Chapter Four
Gavin
“Okay. Thank you.” Charlie hung up the phone on the table beside the bed as I came out of the bathroom, dressed and shaved. “It’ll be ready by eleven. Apparently they’re busy with a couple of trucks first. Should you call the rental company? They’d better be paying us back for this tire.”
“We got the insurance, so I hope so. I’ll call them later. Sorry if I took a long time in the bathroom.”
“It’s cool. Apparently we’re not in a rush.”
“I saw a sign about a pancake breakfast as part of this festival thing. You want to check it out?”
“Sure.” Charlie unzipped his enormous pink suitcase and rooted around, pulling out a bunch of Transformers, weirdly enough. “I’m going to grab another shower.” He tugged out a pair of boxers from the bottom of his suitcase. “You don’t have to wait.”
“I don’t mind. I’m not starving.” I sat on the bed against the headboard and flipped on the TV. Like he said, we were adults now. We could be civil and normal. “Maybe we could build Optimus Prime after breakfast.”
He smiled tentatively. “Those are for Ava.”
I smiled back. “Cool. I’m sure she’ll love them.” I picked at a stray thread on the rumpled comforter. “Is she…you said she’s in remission?”
Charlie had picked up one of the Transformer boxes, and now he spun it in his hands. “Yeah. I gave her my bone marrow, and it worked. She had to do a lot of chemo and crap, but it worked.”
“You donated your bone marrow?”
His brows drew together, his voice small. “You really think I wouldn’t?”
“No, no, of course you would. I just didn’t know is all.”
He exhaled and ran a hand through his messy hair. “Right. Well, yeah, I donated my marrow, and she’s better.” He fiddled with the box again, his gaze locked on it. “For now, at least.”
There were a million things I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead I asked, “You didn’t take time off school, did you? For the bone marrow?”
“Only a day. It didn’t take long. I was just tired and stuff. I slept a lot for a weekend, and then I was fine.”
“Did it hurt?”
“Like a son of a bitch. I had a local, but afterward it ached a lot. Only for a couple days, though.” He turned at the foot of the bed and lifted his tee. “I have a little tiny scar from one of the incisions.” He tugged his boxers lower on his hips. “See?”
My heart drummed as I crawled down the mattress and peered at his lower back. On the left side, I could see the faint line, and I reached out with a fingertip before I could stop myself. As I traced it, I thought I felt him shiver. “Sorry—cold hands.”
“It’s okay,” he muttered in a strangled voice.
“You said it only hurt for a little while? This doesn’t hurt, does it?” I stopped the motion of my finger, but didn’t pull my hand back.
Charlie shook his head, facing away from me.
“They took it from your hip bone?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He stood frozen as I inspected the scar, running my finger over the pale skin.
“You said she’s better for now. Is there a chance it’ll come back?”
“Always a chance. Especially if I—” He dropped his shirt and spun away, rifling through the clothes in his suitcase and not looking at me.
“If you what?” Sitting on my feet at the end of the bed, I watched his jerky movements. I wanted to touch more of him so badly I clenched my hands.
After a deep breath, he said, “I just have to get back soon.”
“Or what? What’s going to happen if you miss Christmas? I mean, I know it’ll suck big time for all of you, but it seems like there’s more to it. What are you afraid of?”
Still not looking at me, Charlie straightened and addressed the jeans in his hands. “It’s dumb. I know it is. But I can’t get it out of my head.”
“What is it?”
His cheeks puffed as he blew out a noisy breath. “I dreamed that I didn’t make it home in time for Christmas and Ava died.”
I winced. “That’s awful. I’m sorry. But a dream doesn’t have to mean anything. I don’t think they ever do.”
Staring at the jeans clutched in his hands, he nodded. “It felt so real, though. I can remember it like it happened. Smell the antiseptic from the hospital.”
I wanted to move closer to him, but I was afraid he’d stop talking. “I hate nightmares like that.”
“Yeah. The only reason I left for school was because she was in remission. I never would have gone otherwise. I still hated leaving her, but they gave me a scholarship, and Mom and Dad insisted I should live my life. But I can’t imagine life without her.
And when I told her I was leaving…” He inhaled deeply.
“That must have been rough.”
Charlie folded and unfolded the jeans, still not looking at me.
“Yeah. She tried to be brave the way she is so much of the time, but I’d always, always been there, you know?
And I promised I’d be back for Christmas since we couldn’t afford Thanksgiving flights too, and Christmas is a longer break.
I know it seems like we should have a ton of money since my dad’s a lawyer, but even with insurance, the medical bills have been brutal. ”
“God, I can only imagine.”
“I promised. I looked her in the eye and I swore I’d be back for Christmas.
The last two years, she was so bad she was in the hospital all the time.
This is her first Christmas back at home, and we were going to open our stockings together in the middle of the night, and then wake up our parents and—” He rubbed his face.
“Just do all that stuff that we did before she got sick.”
“You will. We’ll get there. We still have time. I’ll get you there.” If I had to piggyback him the way he did Ava, I’d make it happen.
Nodding, he exhaled shakily. “Thanks. I don’t know why I’m such a basket case. Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” I got up and chanced a step toward him. “It’s totally understandable.”
“If something happened to her and I wasn’t there, I don’t know what I’d do,” he whispered.
“It’s okay.” I reached for his shoulder, squeezing gently. “It’s okay to be scared. You’re allowed. You don’t have to be fearless all the time.”
He trembled, shaking his head. “Me? I’m afraid of everything.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
Our eyes locked. “Guess I did.”
My hand still rested on his shoulder, and I leaned closer, the vulnerability in his blue eyes drawing me like a magnet. “Charlie…”
He bent over suddenly, grabbing even more clothes from his suitcase.
“I just need to shake it off.” He gave his arms and legs a wriggle as he stood, and then looked at me, his cheeks going red.
“Uh, it’s this thing Ava and I do. When she was going through chemo, it was like our little…
I dunno. Ritual, I guess. A lot of times she was too weak to even stand, so I’d shake it off for her.
All the bad stuff she was feeling. It’s dumb. ”
My chest tightened. “It’s not dumb at all.” I hated that he’d gone through so much with Ava and that I hadn’t even tried to be there for him. I kicked my feet and shook my arms. “Here, I’ll help.”
He smiled then, a beam that lit up his face as he chuckled. “Thanks, Gav.”
Oh God, my heart swelled like the Grinch’s, almost busting through my chest. To hear him call me Gav again after so long, I just… It meant a lot. I managed to keep my voice steady. “No prob.”
“Thanks. Um if you’re hungry now, go ahead.”
Obviously I wasn’t going anywhere. I sat on the bed again and flipped through the TV channels, and when Charlie came out after his shower, we both pretended like everything was fine. Which it was. It was just…weird, but not in a bad way.
We hit the gift shop first, and soon we were outfitted in ridiculously matching Little America fleeces, mitts, and woolen caps with a pom-pom on the top. They were all navy blue with red and white accents. We looked spectacularly lame, but we’d be warm.
After Charlie bought Ava a snow globe, we walked across the complex to the outdoor breakfast. Jaunty Christmas music blared from a loudspeaker near Santa’s village, and we lined up for our pancakes. People milled around in Santa suits and more Christmas sweaters than I knew existed in the world.
The wind had died, so it was nice, even if it was overcast. Snowflakes drifted down, and I found myself humming to “Jingle Bell Rock.” I’d always enjoyed the bright lights and fun songs of Christmas. Adam Sandler had done his best to fill the void, but Christmas totally had Hanukkah beat on music.
We sat at a picnic table covered with a red and green tablecloth and dug into our pancakes and maple syrup with plastic utensils. I moaned. “Mmm. This is good. I haven’t had pancakes in forever.”
“Me either.” Charlie took another bite. “I haven’t had real maple syrup in ages. Ava likes the fake stuff better. Strange, I know.”
I pointed to his chin. “You’ve got…” Charlie’s tongue swept out and caught the stray drop of syrup, and my belly somersaulted.
“What?” He frowned. “Didn’t I get it?” He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Is it gone now?”
“Uh-huh.” I shoved another forkful into my mouth and concentrated on my plate instead of the dexterity of Charlie’s tongue. “Do you still read The Walking Dead?”
“Of course. You?”
I nodded. “The last issue was crazy. I wonder if they’ll go that far on the show?”
“Probably. They already did cannibals, so I don’t think they’re afraid to go there. I just hope they don’t kill off Daryl.”
“Nah. He’s too popular. But I guess I wouldn’t put it past them either.”
“I’ve got a theory about how the rest of the season will go.” Charlie’s eyes lit up as he spoke, and he cut into his pancakes with gusto.
As he spun out his theory for me, I was hit again with a wave of longing for the years we’d missed out on, and all the conversations we could have had about zombies and comics and cannibals.
That summer when we met, we rode our bikes around the neighborhood in a big loop, pedaling side by side on the quiet streets and talking about… everything.
“Anyway. It probably won’t happen, but wouldn’t it be awesome?”
I grinned. “Totally.”