Chapter 43
43
ROWENA
Now
“Rowena,” he says, his voice low and serious. “I need to know. Do you still want to be my wife?”
I open my mouth to speak, but the words stick in my throat, trapped by the warring emotions within me.
At my indecision, his gaze still inscrutable, Adrian speaks again. “How about I go first?”
I shut my gaping mouth and nod.
His eyes bore into mine with a single-mindedness and determination I’ve never seen before. “I love you.” Three simple words that make the ground tremble underneath my feet. “I love our daughter.” Our daughter; he didn’t call Soleil my daughter. “I want us to stay a family.”
Am I losing my sanity? Am I still asleep? Is this a dream? Adrian can’t be saying those things. He can’t mean them. “B-but you served me divorce papers.”
He shakes his head, frustrated. “I arranged everything almost a year ago; we were supposed to stay married six months and then divorce. The firm sent the documents following my instructions last June. I didn’t think they’d just send you the petition without notifying me first.”
“So it was a mistake?” I ask, still incredulous.
“Yes, Rowena. I haven’t slept a full night in three months, I’m not on top of everything.”
The notion that I’m not the only one struggling is oddly comforting.
“And you want to stay married to me?” I point at my chest. “Because you love me?”
“Yes. And also , yes.”
The temptation to just believe him is strong. The me who dated Liam would. Heck, the me of a week ago would take his words at face value. But I’m so tired of constantly living in doubt. “I don’t believe you.”
His eyes widen in shock. “Why?”
“You haven’t so much as tried to touch me since Soleil has been born.” My voice cracks. “I know you find me gross.”
Adrian is up in a blur of Armani. In a few quick strides, he rounds the table, grabs my spinning chair, and turns it so that now I’m facing him. My husband kneels on the floor before me, his hands gripping the armrests until his knuckles go white. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and the thought that I could find you anything but breathtaking is absurd.”
“Then why haven’t you even kissed me in the past three months?”
He glances away guiltily. “I was just trying to be respectful.”
“Respectful?”
“I’ve been keeping my distance because I thought that’s what you wanted, what you needed while you healed. Not because I don’t want you—because, believe me, Rowena, wanting you has never been the issue. But I’ve read everywhere that new moms don’t want to be pressured about sex by their husbands, that they find the stress of more demands put on them overwhelming and then there’s the fact that you’ve been…” He trails off.
This is it. This is when he tells me he finds me repulsive. “Gross?”
His eyes fleet to mine, disappointed almost by my suggestion. “It’s not because of how you look—it never was. But you haven’t been yourself.” Now his gaze turns considerate. “I kept telling myself that you were okay, that it was just an adjustment period to a big change but then the way you reacted to the papers, not even giving me a chance to explain. Rowena, I’m saying this from a place of deep love and without judging, but I think you might be suffering from postpartum depression.”
The words come at me like a needle piercing through a bubble. My ears pop. At once, I know he’s right. I can finally put a name to this darkness that’s been churning inside me. And suddenly, I can’t keep all the fear and anxiety contained anymore. I start crying, full-on bawling. Adrian pulls me up and crushes me into a hug.
Between sobs, I tell him how I’ve been feeling all these months: alone, helpless, inadequate. He cradles me, caressing my hair and whispering he’s sorry for not noticing first, for not offering more help, for not insisting I accept it.
I shake in his arms. “I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”
He tilts my chin up and looks at me. “I never, for one second, stopped wanting you.” And then he kisses me. Nothing platonic about it. He consumes me as if I were the oxygen he needed to breathe. It’s fierce and claiming. There’s fire and there’s need. And there’s love .
My doubts scatter like a deck of cards flung into the air, all my insecurities replaced by the warmth of his lips and the strength of his embrace. I grip him back, matching his urgency, tasting the promise in his kiss—the promise that things can still be good between us, maybe even better than before because now we’re not tiptoeing around each other anymore.
When we pull apart, the room is spinning, or it could be just me, dizzy with the revelations tumbling through my mind like laundry in a dryer. “Okay,” I choke out, clinging to him for dear life. “Okay, what do we do now?”
Adrian’s smile is slow and warm, like honey drizzling over pancakes. “First, we get you professional help, both for Soleil and with a therapist. I’ve already researched the best nannies and psychologists in the city. And once you’re on your feet again, we can pack everything and move to California.”
I blink, not understanding what he’s talking about.
He explains without me needing to ask. “If you’re moving to California, I’m coming with you.”
I vaguely remember yelling at him that I was moving and couldn’t wait to be rid of him in the haze of my rage. “You’d move to California with me?”
“Sure.”
“W-what about your job here?” Dominic still hasn’t given him the promotion but it should arrive any day now.
“I don’t care about it as much as I care about you and Soleil.”
I’m floored. “You’d sacrifice everything you’ve worked for your entire life just for me.”
“Yes, gladly.” He cups my face. “And there should be no ‘just’ when you refer to yourself. Because you’re everything, and you should never discount how amazing, strong, capable, beautiful, desirable, and irreplaceable you are.” He kisses me again then pulls back abruptly. “Did I say sexy as hell?”
I smile. “You did not.”
“The sexiest.”
We kiss again, and he lifts me up and puts me on the table, pushing between my legs and grinding against me in a way that’s not even remotely appropriate for a conference room with glass walls. I couldn’t care less.
I catch my breath and pull back slightly, my fingers still tangled in his hair. “So what would you do in California?”
“I’m sure one of those hippie start-ups could use a good CEO.”
“And you wouldn’t miss New York.”
He hesitates just a second too long for his answer to be genuine. “No.”
“Pity, because I would. All my friends are here.”
His grip on my hips tightens. “But you said…”
“I lied. I was mad at you and I wanted to hurt you. But we don’t have to move. I turned down the offer from California months ago and signed with MC Toys the same day.”
“When?”
I beam up at him. “Oh, about five minutes before going into labor.”
His eyes search mine. “Why have you waited all this time to tell me?”
“The tiny human I was trying to push out of a very private place was a bit of a distraction, and after Soleil was born…” Tears fill my eyes again as I try to explain. “I kept it to myself because I was lost. I felt like I was failing at everything and didn’t want to burden you with one more thing. I felt invisible, like my achievements didn’t matter when I couldn’t even handle being a mom. ”
He hugs me. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice earlier what you were going through.”
I shake my head in the crook of his shoulder. “It’s not your fault. I did everything I could to hide it.”
He pulls back slightly, his eyes filled with determination. “We’ll take it one day at a time, Rowena. We’ll find the right support and get through this. I’m here for you, always.”
I lean into his embrace, the weight on my chest easing a bit.
“You’re not alone. You have me. Every day.”
I nod, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. “I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be honest with you, with myself.”
He smiles, a warm, genuine smile that makes my heart ache in a good way. “That’s the first step. We’ll figure out the rest together. No more secrets, no more hiding.”
I blow air through my lips, feeling lighter than I have in months. “Together. That sounds right.” I sniffle. “Now can we please leave this awful place as our first mature, functional couple act?”
“Actually.” Adrian scratches the back of his head, suddenly nervous. “There is something else I’d like you to sign before we go. It’s the whole reason I made you come here in the first place—well, that and because you refused to tell me where you were living.”
“You had a diabolical plan not to divorce me?”
He nods.
“I hope it was better than my improvised coffee spill?”
Adrian scratches his neck self-consciously. “I had a grand speech prepared.”
Excitement bubbles inside me. “Please tell me you have talking points saved on your phone.”
His nostrils flare in fake annoyance. “I remember things better if I summarize them in a list. ”
“Oooooh, so it’s back to bullet points, you little secret nerd. Show me.”
“Never.”
Undeterred, I place my hand forward, palm up.
With a groan, Adrian pulls up the file and hands me the phone. The list is titled: Reasons Rowena should stay married to me . It makes me grin.
The first bullet point states: I love you .
I look up at him. “Strong start.”
Number two is: I love Soleil as my own .
It follows with a few solid entries like loyal and ready to move anywhere for you. Next, there’s a “good in bed” with a question mark afterward that has me cackling.
I look up at him, beaming. “You can remove that question mark, sir.”
He brushes off his shoulders like the total secret nerd he is.
I’m smiling so hard as I continue to scan the list— I get along with your friends, my mom loves you, your parents adore me— until my eyes snatch on the last point and my heart fractures all over again and comes back together bigger, stronger.
I re-read the bottom line to make sure my mind is not playing tricks on me. But no, the words are there. Black on white.
I want to adopt our daughter.
I take a moment before I lift my eyes to his. And just as well because the way he’s staring back at me—vulnerable, hopeful, and most of all, real —says more than words or a list of reasons ever could. It’s all there, everything I’ve been waiting, dreaming, and hoping to see.
“Oh, Adrian.” I drop my forehead on his shoulder and burrow into him as I sob.
His strong arms engulf me as he smooths my hair down, his fingers trailing through the locks. “Please tell me these are happy tears.”
“They are. Your diabolical plan worked.” I pull back and grab a tissue from my bag and blow my nose. It’s not sexy but it’s necessary, and I’m not afraid to be my true, flawed, unguarded self in front of him anymore. “Is that what you want me to sign today?”
“Yes.” Hands in his pockets, he tilts his head. “The adoption papers are drawn, will you… sign them?”
I smile brighter than I have in my entire life. “Bring all those lawyers back in here and tell them to leave the coffee out this time because I’m not spilling on those.”