36. Sunny
M y palms are sweaty against the steering wheel as I make a left turn past Beachwood High School. The closer I get to my destination, the more jittery I feel.
Maybe I should have gone to my mom’s place first. But she and Luis are both at work, so I made other plans. There’s a conversation I need to have that’s been a long time coming, and I don’t want to avoid it anymore.
Although now, as I pull into the driveway of this house I haven’t been to in years, I’m kicking myself for not stopping to shower or change my outfit. I just drove over five hours from Chicago, after all.
I hope I don’t smell .
I do a quick check to make sure my deodorant’s working, then step out of my car and walk slowly up the front steps to ring the doorbell.
After several seconds, the door swings open, but before I can say a word, Mia hands me a very happy baby wearing footie pajamas .
“Hold this!” she says, and darts back into her parents’ house yelling after Avery, who’s giggling so loudly I can hear her from the porch.
“Well, you must be James,” I say to the six-month-old smiling at me. “Nice to meet you. I’m Sunny.”
James laughs as though I’d just told the funniest joke in the world, and my heart swells to at least twice its size. Then Mia comes back outside with two-year-old Avery on her hip. She’s covered head-to-toe in what I imagine is fingerpaint.
“I’m so sorry, Sunny!” she says, nodding toward her daughter. “If I turn my back for one second, this one starts doing something she knows she shouldn’t. But I can give her a bath later. Come on in! I see you’ve made friends with James!”
“He’s been smiling at me nonstop,” I say. “I even made him laugh.”
“He’s such a flirt,” Mia jokes, giving him a kiss on his big bald head. James squeals with delight and starts kicking his feet.
I follow her into her parents’ home, which looks as cozy and inviting as I remember it.
Not much has changed in the decade since I’ve been here—with the exception of Avery and James’s toys strewn about the living room.
When we get to the kitchen, she puts Avery down on the floor to play with blocks, then moves her son from my arms into a bouncer.
“They’re both precious, Mia,” I tell her. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks! It’s sheer chaos most of the time…
especially since I got promoted. I work longer hours, and I’m not getting nearly enough sleep.
And this little guy’s been teething and keeping us up all night!
” she says, pointing to a beaming, bouncing James.
“Th at’s why Evan’s napping upstairs. But as crazy as our life is, I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” she says with a grin.
Then she moves a tray to the center of the table. “My mom made us strawberry lemonade. She remembers how much you used to love it. She and my dad just left for the grocery store, but they’ll be back in a bit.”
“That’s really thoughtful,” I say as Mia pours me a glass. “Thank you. And thanks for coming to Beachwood to see me. I know it’s not as short a trip now that you guys are back in Columbus.”
She shakes her head. “Are you kidding? It’s barely two hours! Well, maybe a little longer—I drive way slower with the kids in the car.” She laughs. “Either way, it’s no problem at all. We were going to be here this weekend anyway, for?—”
She stops herself.
“For my wedding,” I say, nodding. “It’s okay, Mia. We can talk about it.”
Her eyebrows knit together. “How are you doing?” she asks.
I sigh. “Honestly…I’m fine. And I mean it, this time.
I really dodged a bullet. I would have been miserable if I’d married Jeremy.
I’m sure we would have ended up divorced anyway.
And what if we had children? It would have been a mess.
I think he spared me a lot of pain by showing me what an asshole he is now rather than later. ”
Mia’s hazel eyes are teary. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Sunny. But I’m proud of you for leaving. That must have been hard. Has he tried contacting you?”
I roll my eyes. “He called and texted me for weeks afterward, even though I never answered. And his messages were as hot and cold as he was. First he would tell me how much he cherishes me and how incredible I am; then an hour later he’d say that I’ll never find another man to love me. I eventually blocked his number.”
“That’s awful. Where did you stay after you broke up with him?”
“I found an apartment to sublet for a few months. I could have come back here, but I decided to work at the firm until summer so I could make more money to put toward school.”
“I can’t believe you’re going to be a writer,” she says with a smile.
“I don’t usually read romance novels, but you better believe I’m going to read yours.
” When Mia pauses, her grin starts to fade.
“Until you told me you were switching careers, I had no idea you considered getting an MFA instead of going to law school.”
I look down at the table before I meet her gaze. “That’s actually part of why I’m here. I mean, I wanted to see you and finally meet your beautiful kids, of course. But…I also came to apologize.
“I wasn’t always the greatest friend. I kept so much of myself hidden, because I was afraid to show you who I really was.
Not only you—most people. I had this notion in my head that I had to be this perfect lawyer, with a perfect house, and a perfect family.
But if I’ve learned anything in the past ten years, it’s that nothing’s perfect.
No one’s perfect. And I don’t want to spend my life trying to please others.
The best I can do is stay true to myself and the people I love.
” I look at her through tears. “I love you, Mia. And I’m sorry. ”
Tears roll down her cheeks. “I love you too, Sunny. And I’m so glad you don’t feel like you have to hide anymore. The real you seems pretty wonderful.”
We lean forward in our chairs and hug, both of us crying. When we pull apart, Avery and James are staring up at us with curious looks on their faces.
“I hope they’re not worried about us,” I say with a frown.
Mia shakes her head as she wipes her eyes. “They’re fine. I try not to hide my emotions from them too much. I want them to know we’re all human—even grownups—and it’s okay to have feelings.”
I nod, still sniffling. “Well, they may not know it now, but they are so lucky to have you as their mom. And if they ever forget when they’re older…Aunt Sunny will remind them.”
The next morning, I wake up to the smell of coffee brewing. I open my suitcase, grab the sundress sitting on top of my stack of clothes, and throw it on. Then I head downstairs to the kitchen and find my mom sitting at the table in her robe.
When she sees me walking in, she smiles.
All in all, my mom handled the news of my called-off wedding a lot better than I expected her to. Once I explained what Jeremy was really like behind closed doors, she actually cried. It’s not often my mom shows her vulnerable side. But she’s changed quite a bit since starting therapy.
It took about a year for her to book a session after she first mentioned it. I’d completely given up hope. But this past March, she finally got a referral from her doctor and started going weekly. It was perfect timing, seeing as I’d just broken up with my fiancé and decided to change careers.
My mom still wasn’t thrilled when I told her about the MFA program. Maybe no amount of therapy will get her there. At least she knows better now than to try to talk me out of it. She even offered to help me financially, but I told her I didn’t need her to.
Overall, our relationship is much-improved—and I’m grateful for it.
“How are you feeling?” she asks, tilting her head as I sit down with my coffee.
“Not too bad, considering today was supposed to be my wedding day.”
My mom looks down at her cup. “Sweetheart, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.” She bites her lip. “It’s…about Dex.”
My heart leaps into my throat. “Dex? What about Dex?” I can barely croak out the words.
I haven’t talked to him in months. I have no idea what he’s been up to since the Oscars. I haven’t heard any rumblings about a new film. Haven’t seen any paparazzi photos of him with models, or actresses. He could be engaged—or married—for all I know.
Is that what my mom wants to tell me? Oh god. I hold my breath.
“I was never supportive of your relationship with him, Sunny…and I want to explain why. I’ve been working on this with my therapist, but it’s still so hard to admit. You see…Dex reminded me of your father. In many ways.” She paus es and meets my gaze. “Is it okay if I tell you more?”
My pulse quickens, but I nod.
My mom takes a deep breath before beginning.
“Your father was charming. Devastatingly handsome. He had a brilliant smile too, just like a movie star. He was an airline pilot, and I met him on a flight to Rome. You know how I loved to travel before you were born. Well, the moment I laid eyes on him, Sunny…I was a goner. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I asked him out for a drink after we landed. And it was…instant chemistry, just like you and Dex.”
She sighs. “But he was never around, Sunny. He was always busy, flying across the world. He didn’t want to settle down.
Never wanted a family. He only wanted to travel and have fun.
So that’s what we did. I’d meet him in Paris for a weekend, or London.
It was thrilling , and romantic, and—I couldn’t help myself—I fell head over heels for him.
And, well…you know what happens next. I never imagined I’d get pregnant.
But I also never imagined he wouldn’t want anything to do with me afterward. ”
She pauses to wipe her eyes as I blink back my own tears.
“When I saw you falling in love with Dex—I saw myself, sweetheart. And I was scared. Terrified. I would have done anything to spare you from falling in love with a man who would sweep you off your feet with his dazzling smile and exciting life, then leave you.”
She looks at me, her cheeks flushed with shame. “I said awful things to you about Dex. But that’s not all of it. I…”
“What, Mom?”
“The morning after his cousin’s wedding, Dex came here to talk to you. He said you’d had a misunderstanding, and he wanted to explain. And…I wouldn’t allow it. I sent him away.”
My hand gravitates to my aching heart.
My first instinct is to sob. To yell. To tell my mom I’ll never forgive her.
To ask her if she knows how much pain her meddling caused me.
But…what’s the point?
That was eight years ago. Dex and I got back together two years later, and we broke up again anyway.
I broke up with him. Because I thought I wasn’t good enough.
Even if my mom had never meddled…the outcome would have been the same.
I just…I can’t believe…
“He never told me,” I say. “I was so mad at him because I thought he didn’t fight for me. And he never said it was because you stopped him.”
My mom shakes her head, crying. “He’s a far better person than I am, Sunny. A far better man than I ever gave him credit for. And not only that…” She exhales deeply. “His Oscar speech? It inspired me. He’s the reason I finally went to therapy.”
I take in a ragged breath. “His speech gave me the courage to break up with Jeremy.”
My mom brings her palms to her cheeks. “Oh Sunny, I feel awful. I drove you away from Dex and into the arms of a narcissist. Is there anything I can do to fix this? I haven’t seen the Dexters in years, but I could call them if you want me to.”
I laugh through my tears. “I think you’ve done quite enough already, Mom.”
She laughs first, then sobs. “I’m so sorry, Sunny. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”
“I don’t hate you, Mom. And you’re not a bad person. You lost your parents when you were seventeen. You had no other family. And when you finally fell in love, he left you pregnant and alone. You suffered a lot of trauma— of course it affected you. I’m just happy you’re getting help now.”
My mom gets up from her chair and kneels down to hug me, then says in my ear, “I hope things work out between you and Dex, sweetie. I was blind to it before—but you really do belong together.”
My smile is wistful. “I guess that remains to be seen.” When I push my chair back, we both stand. “I’m going to go for a drive to clear my head,” I tell her.
After one more hug, my mom releases me. I grab my keys and head outside.
Then I drive. Just like the times Dex used to pick me up in his dad’s car, and I’d loop around Beachwood with no agenda, deciding where to turn on a whim.
So much has changed since then and yet—here I am—still driving in circles around my hometown, longing for him.
Loving him with every piece of my heart and soul.
If he were in this car right now, what would I say?
I glance at the passenger seat, half-expecting to see him.
Like that weekend in New York, I’m haunted by his ghost again. Every time I stop at a red light and look out my window, he’s there .
Outside the elementary school where we met in kindergarten.
In line to buy movie tickets at the theater we used to go to.
At the park where we almost kissed in the rain.
I guess this ride isn’t so aimless after all.
If it wasn’t clear before, it’s clear to me now.
I need to talk to Dex.
To get things off my chest, the way I did with Mia.
But when? And how? I’d prefer to speak in person, but I have no idea where he is.
I guess I could ask his parents.
Seeing as I’m parked in front of their house.
I turn into their driveway.
The lights are off. The house is quiet. It doesn’t look like anyone’s here. I get out of my car anyway.
Then I sit on the Dexters’ porch swing. And I cry.
I cry because, after all these years, and after everything I’ve been through, this house still feels more like home to me than anywhere I’ve ever actually lived . And I know exactly why. It’s because Oliver Dexter is my home. But as luck would have it, I don’t know when I’ll ever see him again.
When the Dexters get back, I’ll ask them where he is—and I’ll fly there. I’ll meet him in LA, or New York. I’ll travel across the world if I have to.
I take a deep breath as relief washes over me. I have a plan now. All I have to do is wait for his parents.
Not two minutes later, I’m blinded by headlights.
Mr. and Mrs. Dexter are back.
I stand, not bothering to wipe my tears. There’s no use pretending I’m not still hopelessly in love with their son. And if Dex has moved on, and he’s happy, they’ll let me know and spare me the heartache of hearing it from him.
The driver’s side door swings open.
But it’s not one of the elder Dexters getting out of the car.
It’s their son.