Chapter 24 Sam
SAM
After the flowers, I head back to the cottage despite not wanting to.
Frankly, I’d rather stick around and do whatever Rosie and Maggi are doing.
But the desire to do that is freaking me out a little bit.
It wouldn’t if it was only a matter of wanting to spend time with Rosie, but I don’t find myself wishing Martha or Thomas would show up to steal their granddaughter away so that I can whisk away their daughter-in-law.
Maggi’s a cool kid, which isn’t surprising seeing as her family is all pretty great. Especially her mother.
Fuck, I curse myself as I start a slow jog halfway to the cottage.
I cannot be thinking this kind of shit. And yet, I know exactly what I’m going to do the next time I’ve got Rosie’s ear.
I’m going to ask her to join me at the even more remote cottage I’ve got booked as of Sunday.
I’m going to sell it as a week in her favourite place, doing unspeakable things with me.
I’ve got a couple hours to kill before the dinner, so I decide that a run is in order. Work off this tension that seems to be constant in my body since I got off the plane. What I need to do is put my game face on, focus on the task at hand, and not on anything or, in this case, anyone else.
My plans crumble in front of my eyes when I reach the cottage and see Colin sitting on the low stone wall.
He doesn’t look up right away, his attention on his legs as they swing below him. There’s something small about his body language. Like he’s suddenly an eight-year-old version of himself.
“Col?” I say as I get closer, and his head pops up.
I don’t know what I’m expecting, but it’s not the smile he’s giving me. I’ve seen him smile like that once before, and it was after he met Sarah. But this is the first time I’m seeing it in person and not through a screen.
“Sorry, I know you’re probably coming back for some alone time, but I wanted to, ugh, chat with you about something.”
“Sure, man. Out here or inside?”
Colin looks around and shrugs. “Maybe in the back?”
I lead the way, unsure what the hell he needs to talk to me about. It feels serious, like he’s about to tell me he’s dying or something, but then the smile is clearly throwing me off. No one would smile like that carrying such news. I would know.
“So,” he says, breathing out as he sits in the chair Rosie occupied yesterday morning. “So,” he repeats, rubbing his palms up and down his thighs.
“Christ, Col, just tell me.” He’s making me fucking nervous.
“Sarah’s pregnant,” he blurts out with a little giggle. “She found out this morning. Had me go out and get a bunch of tests while she stayed here and drank loads of water.”
I stand and pull him up for a hug. “That’s amazing, man, congratulations!”
It’s not a surprise exactly. Colin has been talking about having kids since he met Sarah, and since he’s nearly thirty-eight, they didn’t want to wait too long. He still wants to be a youngish dad.
“There’s something else,” he says, sitting back down and gesturing for me to do the same. “Last week I got a call from Inverness.” I watch his expression carefully. See the way his cheeks darken and the way he’s trying to hold back his smile.
“And?” I prompt.
“And, they offered me the head coaching position.”
“Colin!” I jump to my feet, and we hug again.
“Holy shit, this is your dream.” I clap him on the back as I pull away and see him wince because while this is his dream, it was also one of mine.
After being forced to walk away from playing following one too many injuries, I was eyeing a coaching position.
Something that kept me close to the game I loved and more importantly, something that kept me in Scotland. Fate had other plans though.
I’m genuinely happy for him, even though envy scratches at the surface. I tamp it down, letting my happiness for my friend be the only thing that matters at this moment.
We sit again, only for me to jump back up. “This calls for a drink.”
I head into the cottage and grab the ridiculously expensive bottle of whisky Colin gifted to each of the groomsmen. It’s not something I drink much back home, so I may as well open it here and share it with a good friend. Some of it, anyway.
“To things falling into place,” I toast, holding my glass out so he can tap his against it.
“To both of us achieving our dream,” he replies, catching me off guard.
I know we haven’t talked much since I’ve been over here with how many other people are around, but he can’t have forgotten that running the bookstore is far from a dream come true.
“Yeah,” I say slowly, waiting for him to elaborate.
“I may have suggested that Glasgow reach out to you.”
I pause, the glass resting on my bottom lip as I replay what he said. “Why would you suggest that?”
“I was told they weren’t going to be looking for an assistant internally, so I said I may know someone who would be inter—”
“I’m not,” I interrupt. “You know I’m not.”
Colin levels me with a look I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s the same one he gave me before he told me to get my shit together after my mom died.
“Listen, I know you feel obligated to keep the store going, but we both know how much you hate it. Hell, your dad knew. I doubt he ever wanted you to take it on. He thought…” He looks away, clearly trying to be careful with what he says next.
“Everyone thought your mom would be the one taking things on. Probably with your aunt. There is no way he wanted this for you, Sam.”
“You have no fucking idea what he wanted,” I seethe. “Other than to not die, of course.” The words pull down the mask I work so damn hard to keep in place.
Colin runs his hand over his face and groans.
“Are you forgetting how well I knew the man? The guy was like a second father to me, but more importantly, he loved watching you play. He knew what you wanted after your playing career was over, and that wasn’t running a fucking bookstore in your hometown. ”
“Well, that’s what happened. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. Sometimes we have to suck up the shitty hand life deals us and get on with it.” The mask slips all the way off, exposing me completely.
The air between us is heavy, pushing me down until I’m slumping in the chair, unable to look at my best friend.
Rationally I know what he’s saying is right, but when he was with my dad, talk was always about rugby.
He didn’t hear my dad talk about the store or his love of books.
He wasn’t the kid dressed as a literary character every Halloween handing out candy at the store.
Colin can talk about my dad’s love of the game that made us both household names all he wants, but he has no fucking idea what it was like to watch my dad struggle with leaving the three loves of his life.
He wasn’t sad about never seeing another rugby game.
I may not love working there, but it feels like the only way to hold onto my family, and I have control over this one thing. I couldn’t save my dad. I had no idea I needed to save my mom. But I can keep the store going.
Colin downs the rest of his whisky and stands. “I’ve gotta get back to Sarah. I just needed to tell someone the good news. I’m sorry the other stuff came out with it.”
I offer a grunt in return, but I don’t look up or move. The sound of a golf cart starting fills the air, followed by wheels on gravel. And still I sit, staring down at my hands that are still a little sticky from flower stems.
I’m being sucked into a fantasy in this place.
Being shown glimpses of a whole other life.
One where I get to call this place home.
Where I may have someone to come home to.
A longing I haven’t felt for years settles deep in my bones, tethering me to this spot, not letting me go until the sun dips low and the wind picks up.
I check my watch and realize I’ve missed dinner. The lads will be filing into the game room, breaking into teams, and ribbing each other.
Whisky turns in my gut, and I finally head inside and pour myself a glass of water, drinking it in one long gulp.
I know I should be going back to the house, but I’m not sure that I’ll be able to pull myself together and put on a happy face.
Pretending to be fine is something I can do but it has never been something that has come easy to me.
It’s exhausting. So I grab the tin of shortbread that has been sitting unopened in the kitchen and head to bed.
Settling against the headboard I pick up the copy of Emma I’d purchased at the bookstore and turn to where I left off last night.
It’s a good book, but if I’m being honest with myself, it only makes me wish Rosie was here with me now.
It’s not doing anything to quash the desire that keeps flaring up whenever she crosses my mind.
Chewing a cookie, I wonder what she’s probably up to now.
It’s late, so Maggi likely won’t still be up.
Maybe they read a story before bed, or Rosie rubbed her back as she fell asleep.
That’s what my mom used to do nearly every night.
Dad would read me a story, and then Mom would come in and rub my back as I drifted off.
It’s something I haven’t thought about in years, but there is something about the Highlands that invites ghosts and melancholy.
“Two days,” I whisper into the dark, far too quiet cottage. Two more days of socializing and of Rosie. Two more days until I head farther into the Highlands to do an entire week of this. Sitting alone with my thoughts.