Chapter 9
9
Lenny. And Beatrix? In the tight silver and blue dress and with her bright pink lipstick, Beatrix Bingham reminds me of one of my favourite childhood books, The Rainbow Fish . I never wear anything tight. Comfort has always been my top priority. In the past, without wanting to emulate, I’ve marvelled at women like her, willing to put in such effort – although her glamour looks effortless.
‘Violet. Congratulations on a wonderful launch,’ says Beatrix in a well-managed tone. ‘I’ve heard great things about the book. In fact I really must congratulate the author.’ She sashays off.
‘Hi Violet,’ says Lenny. ‘How are things?’
I don’t know what to say.
‘Great party. Sounds like one hell of a story.’
Finally I find my voice. ‘Gary’s a very talented author.’
‘How’s Flossie? Liking the quiet no doubt. Not the liveliest of cats, is she?’
I go to leave. Lenny takes my arm.
‘Look… have you found a new flatmate yet?’ He takes a large mouthful of champagne. ‘I came across a junior editor yesterday who’s looking for new digs. If you like?—’
‘No thanks,’ I say abruptly. I study the face that used to be able to liquefy my insides. The gut-wrenching ache I’ve suffered this last month rips through my body, accompanied by a home-movie of all our best moments playing in my head. Like the day we moved in together when Lenny took my hands and spun me around and around and said he never thought he’d get out of his bedsit. Like walks in the park talking about work and dreaming of the impressive careers we were going to have.
Lenny’s face flushes. ‘There’s no need for all this awkwardness. Things change. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. We move in the same circles so it makes sense to at least be civilised.’
I shake my arm loose.
‘Okay. I get it. I’ve been a shit.’
‘At last, some clarity,’ I say in a tight voice.
‘But we had grown apart. Perhaps I did us a favour, right? Our relationship could have stagnated for years before one of us was brave enough to make the break.’
‘Now you’re the hero? Oh, please.’ I shake my head.
‘Don’t be like that. I didn’t mean?—’
‘How do you expect me to be?’ I snap. I could pretend not to care and make small talk but I miss him. I do. Before this evening, I’d googled how to cope with meeting your ex. I’m not always that good at dealing with the emotional side of things, like when Uncle Kevin… when he… Sometimes it’s best just to carry on as if nothing has happened. One website said to remain poised and polite, to keep it short. I could just about manage that. But as for demonstrating that I’ve moved on, how was that possible? He was the one with a new address and relationship.
‘You’ll meet someone else. Someone who’s a better match than me.’
‘You mean someone loyal, with principles? Damn right she will,’ says Farah, who’s appeared at my elbow. ‘You’ve got a nerve, turning up like this – with Bingham. Haven’t you got one ounce of decency?’
‘It’s okay, Farah,’ I say. ‘Just leave it. Please. I’m okay.’
Farah looks at me and I nod. She glares at Lenny and leaves.
‘Beatrix has a history. She might be using you. Just watch yourself,’ I say to Lenny quietly, annoyed that despite everything, I don’t want to see him hurt.
Lenny drains his glass and places it onto a passing tray. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. If you ever change your mind about being friends, I’m always?—’
Beatrix reappears and takes his arm. She shoots me a pitying look. ‘Jealousy is such an unattractive quality.’ The two of them move away. I hurry out of the conference room and into the toilets. I lock the cubicle door and sit on the loo seat. A sob rises in my chest and I manage to suppress it. I take off my glasses. I don’t really understand how this has happened. Lenny and I were happy.
Night after night I’ve sat on my sofa with Flossie snoring and a book unopened, four weeks on and still staring into space. I miss the things that used to irritate me, like him leaving drawers open or never checking the date on food he purchased. Lenny would leave his socks on the floor and not tidy away dirty mugs. I never thought unwashed crockery could leave such a gap. If I’m honest, at the back of my mind, I’d seen a future with a wedding and children.
Now I just see me in my flat with a feline friend and shelves of typewritten adventures. That used to be enough – more than that, it used to be great – until I met Lenny.
I take several deep breaths, smooth down my jumper and put on my glasses again. As soon as I reappear at the party, Farah heads over and raises her thick brown eyebrows.
‘Irfan’s fuming,’ she says. ‘Lenny has been utterly insensitive. Fancy bringing her along.’
‘I’m okay.’
‘Come around to dinner next week. Help me convince Irfan that quinoa doesn’t actually taste like soil.’
I wish my eyes weren’t drawn to Beatrix. Lenny can’t take his eyes off her. Nor can anyone else, including Gary, who’s never looked at me like that.
Across the room Lenny basks in Beatrix’s popularity. She catches my eye and kisses him full on the lips. Irfan goes to the front and shushes the crowd. He says a few words. I look for Gary, to give him some last-minute encouragement, but it isn’t needed any more. He’s standing next to Beatrix and her hand rests on his shoulder. Gary’s face looks shiny as if she’s somehow polished it.
I about-turn and head up to the office to fetch my coat and bag. I fasten the multi-coloured buttons and pull my bobble hat out of my drawer. Even though the weather is warmer now, it feels like a comfort blanket.
Lenny has moved on. That’s very clear. Now I need to do the same.