Chapter 24
24
Getting ready to meet Casey takes a considerable while and half an hour alone to choose what to wear. In the past, I’d simply grab a pair of trousers and a top. When we first started dating, Lenny used to say it was a joy to be with someone who spent less time in the bathroom than him. Whereas now, I have hair to style and make-up to apply.
After much inner conflict, I choose shorts, a figure-hugging T-shirt and a flowing white crocheted cardigan from a little boutique in Covent Garden. Shorts only formed part of my holiday wardrobe before. For the first time in my life, I shave above the knee and apply moisturiser with just a hint of tan. To my surprise, I could waste hours online studying beauty videos and reading reviews of products. Micellar, pomade, cosmeceutical, slugging; it’s a whole other language.
I glance at my watch. Nine o’clock. I’ve been up since seven. That’s another thing that has changed. On a Sunday I’d often lie in, reading a book after cuddling up to Lenny, who’d feel snug and comforting. These days I am up with the birds doing my nails or cleaning the flat. By taking more care of myself, I somehow feel more efficient and timetable every hour.
There’s a knock at the door. It’s Kath. I haven’t seen her much the last few days. Her smile looks a little forced and her movements are slow.
‘Just checking you’re going to book club this afternoon,’ she says. ‘We’re all keen and want to show you the blog posts we’ve put up.’
‘I’ve been following Vintage Views’ progress online and have read them already. They look great. But of course I am, although is it okay if you get a taxi today? I’m out with a friend and won’t have time to come back here before meeting at the home.’ I hate letting her down by not giving her a lift, as her income is tight. But increasingly I realise Bella is right and I need to put myself first. In fact, I’d thwarted a suggestion that the book club meet again one evening last week. I’ve been feeling shattered after work and it’s always great to hang out with Bella.
‘Okay, see you later then,’ says Kath, and she yawns. ‘Goodness. I slept terribly last night – how about you?’ Her eyes scour my face. ‘Is work demanding at the moment? Perhaps you should ease off your fitness routine for a while. Relax more. You deserve it.’
In slightly clipped tones, I explain that I enjoy exercise, difficult as that might be to believe after her only ever seeing me wear trainers for travelling to work.
‘How about coming around to mine after book club? I’m baking this morning, if my fingers allow it. Your favourite chocolate cake,’ she added in a bright voice.
Trouble is, it’s not my favourite any more. And my life’s getting crazy busy. Slowly, my priorities are changing – and certain people’s inability to accept this is becoming increasingly irritating.
‘That’s really kind. Thank you, but I’ve got stuff to do here.’
Kath’s shoulders drop, but I can’t risk even a mouthful of cake. It might trigger all the old taste buds. I say goodbye more quickly than necessary.
As Bella says, my needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
I head out into the warm May air. It doesn’t take long to get to Tottenham Court Road and when I reach the garden, children are already running around, grateful for a spot of sprawling wilderness within the concrete capital. It’s a community-run green space, a registered charity that strives to encourage urban wildlife. Sometimes Lenny and I would meet here for a sandwich and I’d throw the birds crumbs, whereas Lenny would wolf his bread down in seconds.
I sit on a wooden bench, engraved with the name of a regular visitor who died last year. It’s a quarter to eleven. I take out my phone and am just about to message Casey but stop myself. Instead I admire the different shades of purple of clematis and heather. A vertical shot of yellow forsythia separates the plants and contrasts the subtler blossom colour of the nearby magnolia. I study the different shades and shape of each plant. They look like a group of friends, each of which had maintained their identity, yet together they fit well. I’ve never fitted in. A girl from primary school, Alice, once compared me to a weed. She said I’d put down roots where I wasn’t wanted. And that I ate too much food. Everyone else had laughed.
I direct the thought to a part of my mind reserved for the old Violet who had taken far too long to react to the bullies at school; who’d been na?ve enough to let Lenny hurt her. Also snuck away there were the memories of me making him a packed lunch, ironing his socks and lovingly stroking his brow as he slept off yet another Prosecco-induced hangover.
I squint in the sunshine and wish I’d brought a sunhat, just as Casey looms into view. I roll up my cardigan’s sleeves. He’s wedged my pink sunglasses onto his nose. They almost match his candyfloss-coloured T-shirt. I grin and stand up as he hands them over. We hug. It seems over-familiar but for just a second I don’t want to let go.
‘You smell nice,’ he says.
‘Must be all the flowers.’ I point to the magnolia.
Casey glances at me and smiles before linking his arm through mine. We stroll.
His hairs brush against my skin and the closeness of his chest makes me wonder how he’d smell if I pressed my lips against it. Carefully, I avoid all talk of his manuscript and the publishing world. It’s he who brings up the subject of the Chapter Battle.
‘How did it go?’ I ask with as much disinterest as I can muster as we pass a squadron of sky-blue butterflies battling against the breeze.
‘Need you ask?’
‘No. Although I would ask where you got that confidence so that I can purchase some.’
‘What can I say? All the interest from publishers, people like you… it must have gone to my head.’
‘You were born confident. I can tell,’ I say, steering the conversation away from Alien Hearts .
He laughs loudly and a nearby blackbird squawks and flies away. ‘I’m afraid my mother and sisters would whole-heartedly agree. I recognised very early on that I was the man of the house, and that didn’t frighten me.’ A shadow of emotion that disagrees with those words crosses his face. ‘Not that I’d ever have called myself that in front of my mum and older sisters. And it took a while for me to grow into the role – a role that, I guess, sounds old-fashioned now. They have always been forces to be reckoned with, especially in my younger years. I wasn’t allowed to play out until homework was done. As far back as I can remember, I had lists of chores but as I matured, the roles reversed a little and I began to feel a responsibility for family members. As soon as I could, I saved up for a car and I’d insist on picking my sisters up from nightclubs instead of them risking public transport home. They’d moan the way I used to when they supervised me doing my English or maths but, deep down, we all knew the concern sprang from love. We looked after each other.’
‘My mum was the same,’ I say as we approach a pond. ‘Everything that seemed hard I eventually realised was for my own good.’ Apart from once. But I push those thoughts of Flint away.
We peer into the water at a patch of bulrushes and a nearby cluster of frog spawn. A few tadpoles have already hatched and twist their bodies as they swim. I kneel down and scoop bubbles of clear jelly into my hand.
‘When I was little, I used to imagine these threaded into a necklace – one I could wear as well as my daisy chains. The design label would have been called Mama Nature.’
‘No surprise you’ve become a children’s fiction editor,’ says Casey as I carefully tip the spawn back. He shakes his head. ‘You’re perfectly groomed yet think nothing of sticking your hand in a muddy pond.’
Perfectly groomed? As I try to come up with a witty response, a scream catches our attention and I jump up. Running towards us is a toddler, red in the face and holding his arm. His mum follows, pushing a buggy which jolts up and down as she veers from the path.
‘Stop, Toby! Careful! You could fall into the water.’ She shoots us a desperate look. I dart over to the little boy and crouch down in front of him. His whole body shakes. Casey stands by my side and runs a hand through his hair as if he might find the answer of how to help in there.
‘Ow!’ squeals the boy as his nose runs. His mum catches up. I reach into my pocket and pull out a tissue. I look at the mum as her baby starts to cry and gratefully she nods.
‘Is it okay if I wipe your face?’ I ask gently.
Toby nods too. Job done, I look at the red lump on his arm.
‘Did a bumblebee hurt you?’
Tears run down his face again. Gently I examine the lump. The stinger is still in. If left, the pain will increase. I’d been stung often enough as a child playing in Applegrove Woods.
‘Is it okay if I give your arm just a little squeeze?’ I say. ‘It will help get rid of the pain.’
‘No!’ He pulls away.
‘Toby! Darling. The kind lady is just trying to help,’ says his mum as she lifts up the baby.
His bottom lip quivers. ‘You won’t squeeze hard?’
‘I promise.’
Reluctantly he holds out his arm. With another clean tissue at the ready, I gently pinch the inflamed skin. Toby winces, but thankfully the stinger pops out and I wipe it away.
‘A really big bumblebee stung me once on my leg,’ I say. ‘But I realised that it was because I was flapping my arms. It got frightened and thought I would hurt it. The bumblebee told me it was very sorry but the little sting was its way of keeping safe.’
Toby wipes his face and looks at his arm. Then at me. ‘It spoke?’
‘Yes. It told me not to be scared next time. Just to keep still. It said bumblebees are much more frightened of humans because we’re so big.’ I reach into my handbag and pull out a handful of medication from a zipped pocket. Casey holds his hands out and I drop them in. Ibuprofen, paracetamol, hay fever tablets – I come to a small packet of antiseptic wipes. I look at the mum once more and she smiles. I pass Toby a wipe.
‘Clean the sting gently with this. You are very brave.’
Toby does as instructed and gives the wipe back to me.
‘There. All done. If you look carefully around the gardens, you might find your bumblebee waiting to say sorry. Or sometimes they just make their friends buzz extra loud when you pass. That’s an apology.’
Toby grins. ‘Come on, Mummy.’
‘Thanks so much,’ she says as she pushes her buggy past.
I delve into my bag once more and pass her my business card. ‘I work for a publisher. One of our new authors has just written a book designed to make insects like spiders and bees less scary. The illustrations are fantastic. Email me if you like, and I’ll post you out a copy.’
‘I don’t know what to say. Hey, Toby, listen to this,’ she says, and beaming, hurries after him.
Casey stares at me. I wonder if my make-up has smudged. He shakes his head. ‘Wow, you’re organised and a nurse to boot. Is there no end to your talents? As for talking to insects…?’
I put away the boxes of medication. ‘I… I used to speak to animals a lot as a child.’
‘I used to speak to my Action Men. They gave me advice about fighting. In return I’d set them up with my sisters’ Barbie dolls.’
I grin and throw the dirty wipe into a bin. He catches my hand.
‘We didn’t finish our dance properly at The Olive Bar.’ He pulls me close and I can’t help smiling as a middle-aged couple walk past. The woman shoots me a wistful look as if recalling a scene from her past. Dancing in the park? How my life’s changed. Before I know it, his lips are almost pressed against mine. My heartbeat accelerates as our mouths part. I shut my eyes. I forget Lenny and Beatrix. I even forget Bella. Right now, this is about me and a man whose qualities continue to open up in front of me like a beautiful lotus flower. His humour and kindness, his gentle ways, his ambition, his loyalty and that smile.
Just as our lips brush against each other, his phone rings. After an almost imperceptible sigh, Casey pulls away.
‘Great timing. Mum’s not well. I’d better answer it.’
Have I really nearly been kissed by a man who looks like him? I glance down at my outfit; at the legs that Farah called slender last week and my blonde hair. My new and improved body parts are like a toolkit that makes me invincible now. The sense of power feels more addictive than the creamiest chocolate bar.
‘Sorry, Vi. I’ve got to head off. My sisters are both busy today and Mum sounds confused about her tablets. I won’t be able to rest knowing that she’s worried.’
I meet his gaze and nod. ‘Of course you must go. I hope she’s okay.’
He takes my hand and kisses the palm gently before taking out his travel card. ‘Text me?’
‘I’ll wait to hear from you,’ I say with a fearlessness I’m beginning to feel.
‘Okay. And, Vi? Spending time with you today… it’s helped me come to a decision. I’ll be instructing my agent to submit to Thoth tomorrow. If you in any way represent their values, then I want to be a part of it.’