CHAPTER NINETEEN #2
She sets her glass down and rests her head on my shoulder, scooting closer and covering me with half her blanket.
We watch the fire in silence, and it's nice… comfortable. I haven’t felt this comfortable with a woman in my entire life.
“JJ?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want kids?”
“Sure. I suppose.”
“Have you ever been in a serious relationship? One where you wanted to start a family?”
It’s a big question and a heavy topic, but with this woman I find I’m not afraid to talk about it.
“There was a girl. It was a long time ago. I’d been seeing her, then we broke up. Months later, she came to the clubhouse claiming she was pregnant with my baby.”
“Oh.”
“I wasn’t ready for anything like that at the time.
My first reaction was to run, to avoid her.
I later found out she’d been seeing this other guy.
He demanded a paternity test, and the baby turned out to be his.
Back then, my only thought was that I’d dodged a bullet.
Now, with a lot of my brothers settled with ol’ ladies and kids of their own, I’ve thought about what I missed out on. ”
“She was the only one? You never found anyone you wanted to have kids with?”
“Nope. I’d always thought I was lucky that way.”
“And now?”
“Now I think I’ve wasted a lot of years chasing things that weren’t important. Now I feel like maybe I missed my chance.”
“You never know what life holds. I thought my life was all settled. I was married. I thought I was on track for my happily-ever-after.” She shrugs against me. “Life doesn’t always turn out the way you think, does it?”
“Guess not.”
“Sometimes God has other plans for us.”
I don’t reply to that. Until Rebecca, I’ve never felt close to anything spiritual. But lately, I feel like everything has meaning, and I feel like I’m seeing signs all around me. How my life could have been, and just maybe how it still could be.
She yawns and sits up, pulling away from me. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight, JJ.”
We both stand. “Sure. Goodnight, Rebecca.”
I take our wine glasses to the sink, rinse them out and head upstairs to the loft. Changing into a pair of sweatpants, I stack my hands under my head and stare at the ceiling. And for the first time, the brotherhood of the club doesn’t feel like enough anymore.
***
A sound wakes me, and I realize I must have drifted off.
Glancing at my phone on the nightstand, I see it's 1am.
I hear movement in the kitchen, then Rebecca’s soft sobbing. That sound has me swinging my legs over the edge and heading for the staircase.
Coming into the kitchen, I find her in a short nightgown, picking up broken glass, then standing and putting it on a paper towel on the counter.
“Becca, you okay?”
She tries to hide her tears, turning away and nodding. “I’m fine. Just broke something.”
I take her arm and turn her to face me. “Sweetheart, what is it?”
She shrugs, and won’t meet my eyes. “It’s hard to sleep alone some nights. That’s all. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Hey, it’s okay to be lonely, and there’s nothing wrong with you.”
“I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Stop. You don’t need to apologize to me for anything.”
“Okay.”
“C’mere.” I take her in my arms and hold her, stroking her hair and back. “Darlin’, I get lonely, too.”
She pulls back and stares into my eyes. I cup her cheek, and swipe at the tears with my thumb.
Her gaze drops to my mouth, and a moment later, she goes up on her toes and presses her lips to mine.
I take in the feeling of her body against mine and her soft lips, but I keep a tight rein on my reaction.
I don’t want to push for more than she’s offering.
This may just be a thank you kiss. It might not mean what I want it to mean.
My heart pounds in my chest, and everything inside me stills as my pulse thunders. Don’t make a move, JJ. Don’t push.
But God, I want to. I want to back her against the wall and kiss her like she deserves. I want to rip that nightgown over her head and take in her lush body. My dick is hard just thinking about it.
She’s a sexy, passionate woman, and she deserves a man who’ll appreciate her. But does she see me that way? Could she see me as that man for her?
She breaks the kiss and stares up at me. “What are you thinking? I can’t read your eyes.”
“I’m thinking I don’t know what that kiss meant, but I know what I want it to mean.”
“What do you want it to mean?”
“That you want me.”
“I do want you, JJ.”
“You sure, Becca?”
“You know, every time I have thoughts about you—”
“Thoughts?”
“Desires. Every time I feel those things, I make a list in my head of all the reasons this could never work. You’re my brother-in-law. Your home is in another state. You’re a biker—"
“I’m still all those things, Becca.”
“And I want you anyway. Could we put all that aside? Just for tonight? I need you, JJ. I need to feel desired by a man. I need to be held. I need to be more than held. I need your hands on my body.”
She barely finishes her words before I heft her into my arms and her legs go around my waist. My mouth comes down on hers. I carry her to her bed and follow her to the mattress, sinking between her thighs.
“Don’t you ever be ashamed, sweetheart.” I kiss her again.
“We’ve got tonight, and if tomorrow you want to pretend this never happened, I’ll give you that.
At the least, I’ll try. But it won’t be easy.
I know once I have you, you’re not going to be easy to forget or let go. But if you want me to, I will.”
“JJ?”
“Yeah, Becca?”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
I grin and do as she orders. “Yes, ma’am.”