Chapter 36
TALLY
Istare at the paper in my hands. Fifty-three percent.
It’s not a fail, but it’s close. And it’s worth twenty percent of my mark.
I should have asked for an extension instead of pushing through.
But I didn’t, because explaining that I’m having trouble focusing because I’m dating a professional hockey player and my life is public fodder isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.
I wanted this, even though I knew this would probably happen. But what if it continues indefinitely? What if I fail an assignment? What if I lose my place on the dean’s list? I fight the rising wave of panic.
I manage to keep it together, but when class is over, I quickly pack up my bag and duck out of the lecture theater.
I pull my hood up and keep my head down.
Reporters have stopped trolling me on campus and at my apartment.
Flip confronted them outside of my apartment, and later gave a very emotional, heartfelt interview. Both went viral.
It’s been more than a week, so I figured it would be safe to check my socials today. I was very wrong. The masses are divided. Half think I should be left alone, the other half still believe they’re entitled to a piece of Flip. We made our beds, now we should lie in them.
My phone rings, scaring the crap out of me.
I’m jumpy as shit these days. And my appetite is garbage.
My mom calls daily to check in. She’s caught in the middle, navigating the impact of this on my sister and brother while trying to be supportive.
It’s a hard line to toe. I don’t know how to be just her daughter and she doesn’t know how to be just my mom.
We’re learning under pressure, and it’s tricky.
It’s my sister calling, which isn’t typical. Normally she texts.
“Hey, Fenna. What’s up?” I scroll through my calendar to make sure I haven’t missed something important.
She hiccups.
“Fen? Are you okay? What happened?”
She sniffles. “Dad came over. I thought he was staying for dinner because Mom made a big chicken pot pie. But I don’t like chicken pot pie.”
“It’s too many textures and flavors at the same time,” I finish for her. If Dad came by, it means the team is back in Toronto.
“But Dad didn’t stay. I was practicing cello when he arrived and I had to finish the piece, so I didn’t even get to see him.”
“Was he dropping something off?” Sometimes Fenna gets hung up on the details.
“I don’t know. They were fighting, though.”
“What were they fighting about?”
She’s silent for a moment.
“Fen? What were they arguing about?”
“You and your boyfriend. I didn’t mean to listen, but they were being loud. People are saying mean things about you, and I don’t want them to be true.”
“Are people saying mean things to you about me?” I ask.
“You can’t tell Mom, Tallulah. Sometimes she’s sad and she cries, and I don’t want to make her more sad.” She huffs. “And I know that Dad always worked, and wasn’t here all the time, but I still miss him. Are you moving home when you’re finished university?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“If you don’t, it will just be me and Mom.”
“Fen—”
“Will you move in with your boyfriend?”
I’m trying to follow her train of thought, but sometimes it’s tough to figure her out. “We haven’t been dating that long.”
“But you have a whole scrapbook of articles with him in them.”
I frown. That scrapbook is hidden in the back of my closet. “How would you know that, Fen?”
“Um… Uh, I was…I was looking for something, and uh…uh…I found the scrapbook. I have to go. I need to get ready for cello. Please don’t tell Mom that I told you they were fighting about you.”
She hangs up.
“Well, that’s great.” I tip my head back and scowl at the sky. “I can’t even rat her out for being a snoop.”
“What?” A girl passing by gives me a funny look.
“Oh my God, isn’t she the one who’s banging all the Terror players?” her friend whispers, loudly.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” I throw my hands in the air. “I’m not banging the entire hockey team, you assholes! It’s AI-generated nonsense. Get a goddamn clue.” There are some new, fun pictures with my face photoshopped all over them.
They rush off, giggling.
It starts to rain.
I want to scream.
It’s pouring by the time I reach my apartment building. I didn’t check the weather this morning. Otherwise, I would have packed an umbrella. Once I’m in my apartment I can have a nice cry, followed by an eye treatment to manage the puffiness.
I keep my head down as I walk through the foyer, heading for the elevators. But the whispers still reach my ears.
“That’s Flip Madden’s girlfriend…”
“…Did you see the photos of her with Madden and Stiles…”
“…Weren’t those photoshopped…”
“…Or maybe not…”
“…Imagine being in the middle of that sandwich.”
I bypass the elevator and take the stairs, so I can start my cry sooner. I’m sobbing and wheezing by the time I get to my floor. I have to wait another two minutes because there’s a gaggle at the elevator, and I do not want to run into anyone right now.
The elevator finally comes, and the hall empties.
I rush to my door, but I can’t find my key fob.
It’s not in any of the usual pockets. I bang my forehead on my door a few times, but I don’t need a bruised face to round out this shitty day, so I dump out my bag and find the key fob stuck inside a textbook.
And because today is the worst, Parsnip escapes into the hall the moment I open the door. I deflate. “I hate my life.”
I shove all my shit inside the apartment, flip the safety so I don’t have to struggle to get back in, and spend the next ten minutes trying to corral Parsnip.
“If Flip was here, you’d be all over him like a freaking catnip toy,” I gripe.
Eventually he tires of being chased and returns to the apartment.
“You’re an asshole,” I tell him as he trots down the hall.
He just meows.
My phone rings again with a call from my dad. I let it go to voicemail. I can’t deal with my own feelings currently, let alone anyone else’s.
But I still listen to the message.
“Hey, sweetie, it’s your dad. I’m sure you already know that.
I just wanted to check in. Your mom’s worried about you.
So am I. I know you’re an adult, but this uh…
it has to be a lot for you. If you need anything, prepared meals, groceries, anything at all, just call.
I miss you. Send me a message when you get this. Love you lots, Tally-Bear.”
I drop into a heap in the hall and let the tears spill over.
My phone buzzes again.
It’s Flip. They’ve been away for four days, and I miss him so much.
I hold the phone up in front of my face to unlock it and read the new message.
Flip
Back in Toronto! Just finished picking up a couple of things and heading to you now. How’s it going?
Tally
Great!!!!
Flip
What’s wrong?
I’m sure the excessive exclamation marks tipped him off.
Tally
Everything is fine. I accidentally hit the exclamation mark four times.
Flip
It’s the thumbs-up that makes me question your honesty. Do I need to video call you?
If he sees my face, he’ll know I’m lying, so I give him some honesty.
Tally
I got a shitty mark on an assignment.
Which would be fine, but it’s worth 20% of the course mark.
Flip
Can you talk to your professor? Can you make changes and resubmit?
Tally
Maybe.
I don’t know where I’ll find the time to revise it, but if I don’t, and I get another crappy mark in this class, I could lose my spot on the dean’s list.
I should stop texting, but now that I’ve started, it’s like a waterfall of worries pouring out of my fingertips. And I keep hitting send.
Tally
Fenna called me crying.
She’s all my mom has, and Ties is never home, and he’s starting university this fall.
She asked if I’m moving home when I’m finished.
What if I don’t finish?
What if I tank my exams, and my final assignments? What if my next performance was like my last one and I shit the bed on that too and I have no job prospects?
Like you’re going to want to be with someone who doesn’t have their shit together.
And why can’t people mind their own damn business?
The social media stuff is a lot. I looked and I know I shouldn’t have, but it’s too late.
Why does everyone need to know everything about our relationship?
I don’t know how you deal with it.
I feel like I’m drowning in all this worry.
I probably shouldn’t have said that.
Oh God.
I’m coming off as clingy and needy.
I don’t want to be either of those things.
Can you just erase all these without reading them?
I feel sick as I read them over. I’m falling apart, and now Flip has a front row seat through text messages. Why would he want a girlfriend who can’t keep it together, not even in text messages? I don’t want to be the kind of person who can’t handle it when things get hard.
Flip
You’re not clingy or needy, kitten.
Everything you’re feeling makes sense.
OMW. Be there soon.
Parsnip comes down the hall and curls up in my lap. I let him sit there for a few minutes before I drag my ass off the floor. Flip pokes his head in the door while I’m sweeping stuff back into my bag.
“Tally?” The rest of his body follows, and he flips the latch behind him, letting the door fall closed. Parsnip abandons me to rub himself on Flip’s legs. Flip is wearing a suit and holding his travel bag, plus flowers and cookies from my favorite bakery.
He sets the bag on the floor, and the cookies and the flowers on the side table and opens his arms. “You have a rough day, kitten?”
I step into them and press my face against his chest. “I’m a hot mess.”
“Sounds like maybe you have a good reason.” He hoists me up.
I wrap myself around him and cling to him like a burr and lose the battle against the tears.
He grabs the cookies and his bag and carries me to my bedroom. Parsnip follows on his heels, meowing loudly.
Flip deposits his bag on the floor and the cookies on the nightstand. Then he sits on the edge of my bed with me still wrapped around him. “Let it all out.”
“I don’t want you to break up with me,” I mumble into his skin.
He takes my face in his hands. “Baby girl, sweetness.” He wipes my tears away, then kisses both of my cheeks. “Why would you think that?”
“Everything feels like it’s falling apart on me,” I whisper.
He nods. “Yeah, I’m sure it does.” His eyes are so sad. “Can I be honest with you?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat and nod.
“I’ve been worried you’ll be the one who breaks up with me.”
I frown. “Why?”
“Because I’m causing you a lot of stress.”
“It’s not your fault everyone wants a piece of you.”
“But it kind of is. My past is haunting both of us, and I hate it.” He brushes my hair over my shoulders.
“But this.” He wipes my tears away. “Where I get to be the one you come to when things are hard, Tally, it’s exactly what I want with you.
I want to be the person you lean on and confide in.
Don’t be brave for me. I want all your feelings.
I want your laughter, and your dreams, and hopes and fears.
I want you to feel safe to cry with me. Okay? ”
“I just want to be able to handle this.”
“Handle what, exactly?”
“This.” I motion between us. “You and me.”
“You’re telling me how you feel and that it’s been hard.
You’re being honest and open, and to me that’s handling things.
Add in everything else, and you’re a freaking superstar, Talls.
I think you’re used to being everything for everyone else.
You don’t have to do that for me. I want to take care of you.
It makes me happy when I can do things for you. ” He kisses me lightly on the lips.
I finger the hair at the nape of his neck. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and it scares me.”
“It’s intense, right?” He runs his hands up and down my back.
“Yeah.”
“All-consuming?” He strokes my cheek.
“It hurts when you’re away,” I admit.
“It’s the same for me. I couldn’t get to you fast enough.” Flip kisses me. “Let me be your solid ground.”
I nod and hug him, and he hugs me back, like he’s holding us together.
I can’t hide from the truth anymore. My heart is already his.