Chapter 59
TALLY
My anxiety melts away with his admission. I’m through the hard parts, exams are finished, my showcase is over, the Terror will start the playoffs at home, and Phillip and I are unpaused.
My family converges on me. I’m showered with hugs and congratulations while Phillip watches wearing a proud smile.
“You were amazing up there. Just so incredible.” Dad squeezes my shoulders, emotion shining in his eyes. “I’m so glad my team pulled out a win so I could be here.”
“Me, too,” I agree. “One of your players had a lot of motivation.”
“It rubbed off on the rest of them.” Dad winks. “They’re all here for you.”
“Like a big, extended family.” My Babes are like sisters, the Terror guys like big brothers, and my Tilton crew are an extension of that.
“You were phenomenal.” Mom steps in next to hug me, followed by Ties and Fenna.
And then I’m pulled into a group hug with my Babes and Tilton friends.
Once I’ve been squeezed and congratulated by all the people I love, Soraya, my dance instructor pulls me aside to speak briefly with the casting director at En Pointe Theater.
“I know you’ve already submitted an application, but we’d like to extend a personal invitation to our first round of auditions next month,” Kenzie says. “You were flawless up there tonight, and we would love to have you with our company.”
“It would be an honor, truly. I’ve followed your dancers for years, and I love how innovative and creative you are with choreography. Your productions have hugely inspired me.”
“Well, you inspire us. We look forward to seeing you next month. I’ll let you get back to celebrating with your family and friends.” She squeezes my shoulder and moves on to another group of dancers.
Soraya beams. “It has truly been a joy watching you grow as a dancer. I can’t wait to see where you go from here.”
“Thank you for always pushing me to be creative and step outside the box. I am so grateful for your guidance.”
We’re called to take a group photo and then we head backstage to collect our things before I return to Phillip, who waits patiently for me in the nearly empty foyer.
Fee took most of the flowers with her back to our apartment, so all I have are the ones from Phillip and his journal.
He links our arms and guides me out into the cool April night to his car.
“My place or yours?” he asks once he’s behind the wheel.
“Yours, please.” Tomorrow is game one of the first playoff series, and his bed is a king versus my double, so it will be more comfortable, plus there’s guaranteed privacy.
“I saw you talking to the casting director from En Pointe. How was that?”
“They invited me to audition for their fall production next month.”
“That’s amazing, Talls. And not a surprise.”
“It feels like everything is falling into place now,” I admit. “Like the weight has lifted and the way forward is clear.”
He laces our fingers. “Sometimes we need to take a step back to gain perspective.”
“I hated the pause, but I needed it,” I confide.
“Me, too, on both fronts. But it gave me a chance to really focus on what I want for us in the future, and it forced me to put all my energy into securing home-ice advantage for the beginning of the playoffs.”
“I’m really glad that happened, and that you could be here for my showcase and I can be there to watch you play tomorrow.”
“The last thing I wanted was to miss it because I had to be on a plane.”
He pulls into the underground lot and parks in his spot. We take the elevator up to his apartment.
He turns to me once we’re inside. “Why don’t you take a quick shower? I have a few things I want to set up, and then you can read my journal and we can talk?”
“That sounds perfect.”
Everything is already set out for me in the bathroom. I shower quickly, moisturize and brush my teeth, pulling one of Phillip’s comfy shirts over my head, excited to be surrounded by him again soon.
The living room has been transformed when I come out of the bathroom. Glasses of champagne and a spread of all of my favorite snacks, including cherry-chip mini-cupcakes, are laid out on the coffee table next to his journal.
He meets me halfway across the room and I let him guide me to the couch, where I tuck myself into his side. Phillip passes me the journal, expression nervous and expectant.
I open it to the first page, which boasts a collection of doodles and a heart with my name written inside it. The pages that follow contain collages of photos, some just of me, others with the girls, and more still of me and Phillip, often caught candidly by whoever took them.
And then the letters begin.
Tally,
We’re on pause.
Even writing those words terrifies me. I understand why you need it, and maybe I need it too.
All I want is to fix things. To go back in time and be honest with you about Fiona, about everything, about the way I feel.
But I can’t, so I’m putting it all down here, and when you’re ready to unpause, I can share this with you the way you keep sharing yourself with me.
It’s time for some real honesty.
I’ve been fighting this attraction since Dred and Connor’s wedding.
I just never believed I’d be worthy of you.
I never believed I’d be able to let someone into my heart again.
But you are everything I could ever want in a partner.
Kind, intelligent, ambitious, supportive, independent.
Adventurous. ;)
You gave me back so many firsts.
Reframed them.
You make me feel worthy of love.
And no matter what happens from here, you will always have my heart.
Yours,
Phillip
Some notes are just a few lines, scrawled in messy cursive, like he had a thought and just wanted to get it down.
Tally,
Today I went to the Pancake House and ordered your favorite meal just to feel close to you. God, I miss you.
Yours always,
Phillip
Tally,
I used your expensive conditioner for not conditioning purposes and I’m not even a little sorry about it. When you’re mine again, I want to make it mandatory that we shower together at least once a week. Also, that we read in the tub together.
Yours until the end of time,
Phillip
Tally,
Today we lost a game and all I wanted was to lie with my head in your lap and feel your fingers in my hair.
I miss you.
Phillip
Tally,
I have watched the video you sent me of you dancing an unreasonable number of times. It’s the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night. I’m wildly obsessed with you.
Obsessively yours,
Phillip
Tally,
Would it be crossing the line to have a 3D replica doll made of your significant other for away games? Asking for a friend.
Seriously in need of therapy and okay with it,
Phillip
Tally,
I’m jealous of my body pillow. The one you’re probably sleeping next to every night.
So I went ahead and had a picture of you printed on a body pillow and then had the brilliant idea to take it with me on away games by putting it in a vacuum sealed bag.
Except I didn’t pack a vacuum in my suitcase so I had to call housekeeping and pay some woman a hundred dollars to help shrink you down again.
I would have just owned it, but the picture I used isn’t fully PG and if your dad saw it I might not make it home with all my teeth.
Best laid plans and all.
Still obsessed and okay with it.
Xx
Phillip
PS. Even pillow you is sexy AF.
A picture of Phillip hugging pillow me is taped to the opposite page, along with another of him glowering at my body pillow.
“Oh my God. How did you find out about the body pillow? When did you find out about it?”
“Remember the day your bathroom was converted into a spa?”
“The one day I forget to put him away!”
“I love that you sleep with it when I’m gone and also that Cammie bought that for you.” He kisses my temple.
“He’s a decent stand in, but he has nothing on the real thing.” I kiss his cheek.
“Pillow Tally is the same.”
I keep reading the notes, some sweet, some filthy, but mostly emotional, until I reach the last one. I climb into his lap, straddling his thighs as I read it aloud.
Tally,
I’m hiding out in the bathroom, writing this. You were magnificent tonight, but I knew you would be.
I’m so proud of you.
You worked so hard for this, and your talent is mind-blowing.
I can’t wait to hug you, kiss you, hold you, and tell you how special you are.
I can’t wait to give you this journal and share all my thoughts and feelings for you, about you, about us and our future with you.
But most of all, I can’t wait to tell you I love you.
Always and forever yours,
Phillip
A tear escapes as I set the journal aside and cup his face in my hands. He looks so earnest and beautiful and mine. I press my lips to his. “I love you too. With all my heart.”