7 Kierra
7
Kierra
The next morning, I tried to dismiss all the anxiety that had built up within me over the past few days. I felt beyond exhausted, due to a lack of sleep. The problem with being a parent was that when you were in the middle of anxiety attacks, you still had to take care of someone beside yourself. So, while my body wanted to fully shut down and curl up into a ball and sob for seventy-two hours straight, I had a whole human to keep alive and fed, and a job to attend where people poured their struggles out on me.
Therefore, my own problems had to take a back seat for a good while. I’d just keep pushing said breakdown deeper into my system. That seemed healthy enough. That was until Tuesday morning when the smallest inconvenience made me crack.
“Sorry, Kierra, we’re all out of cinnamon muffins,” Claire said as I stood at the front of the line of Florence Bakery the morning after Amma reminded me of the worst moment of my life. The last thing I needed was a punch to my spirit that there were no more cinnamon muffins. I knew it was ridiculous, but I almost broke down into tears from the mere idea that a freaking pastry was out of stock.
“We’re actually out of dark roast, too,” Claire stated, “But I can get you a light roast.”
When it rains, it pours.
“Yeah, okay. That’s fine,” I said, feeling defeated. After she rang me up and handed me my coffee, I turned around to run straight into a body, spilling my coffee all over the hardened chest that I hit.
“ Fuck !” he shouted, hopping backward.
I looked up to find Gabriel standing there with a brown paper bag in his hands and scalding coffee covering his cashmere chesterfield coat.
“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry,” I blurted out as I began to rub his coat.
“You did say you weren’t always clumsy, but I’m starting to think that was a lie.”
“Oh gosh, yeah, I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The tears that were sitting at the back of my eyes pushed their way to the forefront and began to fall down my cheeks as I kept swiping at his coat. “I’m so, so sorry and—”
Gabriel grabbed my arm and paused my excessive wiping. “Kierra. It’s fine. I was just teasing.” I raised my head to meet his stare. The moment our eyes locked, true concern appeared in his eyes. He placed a hand against my shoulder. “Are you crying? Are you okay?”
“No,” I said, then I shook my head. “I mean yes, I’m okay, and no I’m not crying.”
He arched an eyebrow. “I see the tears streaming down your face.”
“It’s allergies,” I lied.
“It’s not allergies.”
“It’s totally allergies.”
“Kierra.”
“Yes?”
“You’re a bad liar.”
I burst into more tears and covered my face in embarrassment. The buildup of the past few days was finally catching up to me, and I didn’t know how to handle it. “I ruined your coat!” I blabbered, having a full breakdown in the middle of the bakery.
“Oh, no. No. Hey, it’s okay.” Gabriel wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to the side of the bakery. “It’s fine. Actually, I hate this jacket. I’ve been waiting days, weeks , for someone to spill scalding-hot coffee all over it just to give me a reason to get rid of it,” he joked.
I cried even harder because he was being so nice to me. Because that’s who Gabriel had always been—so freaking nice. He began rubbing my back to try to get me to calm down. I felt so embarrassed by my whole meltdown, but Gabriel seemed more than okay handling it.
“I’m so sorry,” I muttered, wiping away my tears. “This is humiliating.”
“Actually, I know what the real issue here is. I know what’s going on.”
I raised an eyebrow as my heart dropped to my stomach. He knew? Did Amma tell him? “You do?”
“Yeah.” He grimaced. “I do.”
Oh my goodness. “Gabriel—”
“I bought all six cinnamon muffins, just so you’d feel how I suffered in the past.” He held up the paper bag and shook it. “Though I didn’t think it would make you sob like that. I didn’t know how much these muffins meant to you.”
He didn’t know.
I didn’t know if that made me relieved or depressed.
I pushed out a chuckle. “You’re right. That’s exactly the cause of my breakdown.” I tried my best to shake off my nerves.
Gabriel held the bag out toward me. He frowned slightly. “I feel like shit that I made you cry. I was just hoping to tease you with the full intent of giving you the muffins.”
“Yeah, well, you should feel awful,” I joked.
He frowned.
I slugged his arm. “I was kidding, but you do owe me those muffins. I’m willing to share one with you, too, if you buy me a new coffee.”
“Only if you take fifteen minutes to drink said coffee with me and help me look over the blueprint that I’m going to send to your husband later today.”
I smiled. “Deal. Grab a table and I’ll run to the bathroom to freshen up so I don’t look like a hot mess.”
“You look remarkable.”
Oh, Gabriel.
Why did you have to grow up to be so…great?
The flutters in my stomach shook me slightly as I tried not to appear too flustered. “I’ll only be a second.”
“Sounds good. How do you like your coffee? Other than scalding hot on my coat.”
I smiled again. He made it so easy to smile. “Preferably dark roast, but they only have light. So light roast with heavy cream and two sugars.”
“You got it. I’ll be at the table in the corner waiting.”
I hurried off to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. “Everything’s fine, and you’re okay, Kierra,” I told myself. Most of my life was spent inspiring others to be their best selves. Every now and again, I had to give myself a pep talk or two. “You are strong, you are smart, and you can deal with hard situations.”
I fixed my makeup and shook off the discomfort I felt. I could handle the situation before me. Gabriel didn’t remember me. I could sit with him, eat a muffin, and go about my day as if everything was perfectly fine.
After I refreshed myself, I headed back to the table where Gabriel was sitting. I slid into the chair across from him and smiled as I looked at the coffee and muffin sitting in front of me. “This makes things a lot better,” I said.
“I’m glad.” His lazy smile was back, and I couldn’t help but realize how much I’d missed that smile. “How are you?”
“Oh, I’m good. Thanks for asking.” I smoothed my moist hands against my thighs. “How are you?”
He rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. “Do you always do that?”
“Do what?”
“Lie about being good.”
I bit the corner of my lip. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I doubt you were really crying over a cinnamon muffin, Kierra. Listen, I get it. I’m nothing more than a stranger to you, but you don’t have to lie about being good if you’re not good. I won’t tell anyone the truth. Our little secret.”
I let out a nervous laugh. “Are you the therapist, or am I?”
He held his hands up in surrender. “I’m just a guy asking how you are. But forget it. Cheers,” he offered. He lifted his muffin into the air. “To the blueprint changes being approved by Henry tonight.”
“Cheers,” I said, bumping his muffin with my own before taking a bite of it. And just like that, life didn’t seem as bad as before. All thanks to cinnamon muffins and Gabriel Sinclair. The rest of the interaction went to Gabriel pulling out the blueprints and showed them to me. He talked in architect talk that I didn’t understand, and it was a lot of me just nodding and agreeing with his plans.
“I’m sure you’ve already seen all of this, but it helps to pick your brain,” Gabriel mentioned as he rolled up the plans and placed them back into his briefcase.
“Actually, I haven’t. Henry likes to keep all this stuff to himself, since it’s more of his dream than my own.”
“You haven’t had involvement in the planning? I was under the impression that Henry was coming to me on behalf of you both.”
“Yes, and he was. That’s why my meditation room is included. I told him that’s all I really cared about. I wanted that and a sewing room, but he said he’d only go with one. Everything else was his choice. Between you and me, I don’t really care about a big mansion or things like that. I just want comfort and my family under a warm roof.”
Gabriel’s mouth parted as if he was going to make a comment, but instead he pressed out a grin. It didn’t seem genuine, so it made me wonder what thoughts were in his head.
“Well, talking to you helped me realize a few changes I’d like to make. So, I appreciate your time.”
“I’m glad. I’m sure Henry will love all of this. Our daughter, Ava, will love it, too. She dreams of being an architect someday.”
“No way,” Gabriel replied with a raised brow. “It’s not every day you hear about someone wanting to go into architecture.”
“Well, she’s been of that mindset ever since we bought her first Lego set when she was a kid.”
“How old is she now?”
“Fourteen going on forty,” I joked.
“No way… You have a fourteen-year-old?” he questioned, amazed.
“Yes. Henry’s about nine years older than me. When I met him, he had a five-year-old. I instantly fell in love with Ava, and well, she’s my daughter. Maybe not by blood but—”
“By heart,” he finished. “That’s the kind of love that matters most. I love that you have her, and that she has you.”
“Me too. She’s special.”
“Well.” He tossed his last piece of muffin into his mouth. “If she’s ever interested, I’m more than willing to have her shadow me at the office this summer if she wants to take on an internship of sorts.”
“Are you serious? She would lose her mind over that opportunity.”
“Yeah, for sure. We can even set up a payroll to pay her to get the experience and she can help around the office.”
“Wow, Gabriel. That’s…more than kind. Thank you.”
He pulled out his wallet and handed me one of his business cards. “You can call me to set it up. Then you have a direct line to me, outside of Henry.”
“Thank you. I’ll reach out later this week to set something up.”
“Wonderful.” He glanced down at his watch and nodded. “I guess our time is up, and I should get to work.” He stood. “But I actually really enjoyed this, Kierra.”
“Me too,” I confessed. Guilt hit me from the realization that I’d enjoyed his company. Guilt attached to enjoying another man’s company when I was a married woman, and guilt for going against Amma’s request. A wave of discomfort washed over me as I rose from the table.
“Have a great day,” he said as he turned to exit the bakery.
“Gabriel,” I called out.
He looked over his shoulder, his brown eyes piercing my heart. “Yes?”
“Can you ask me again? Ask me how I am.”
He turned completely toward me. “How are you, Kierra?”
“Overwhelmed and a little sad.”
He slid his hands into his stained coat pockets. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Thank you.”
He took a step toward me. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No,” I whispered and shrugged, feeling the tears building back up in my eyes. I didn’t know the last time I’d told someone the truth about how I was feeling. I was so used to being the strong one. To being the one who was always good, that I didn’t even know I was allowed to say out loud that I wasn’t okay. Until Gabriel gave me that freedom. “I just needed to say that out loud.”
“I understand.” He stepped closer. His brows lowered. “Is it okay if I hug you?”
My mouth parted and I wanted to say yes. I wanted to wrap myself in his embrace and hold on to him tightly as he told me everything would be okay someday. Because I knew who Gabriel had been in the past, and I was quickly learning who he was in the present: comfort. He was and always would be comfort to me.
But I wasn’t the same girl I’d been when I met Gabriel. Holding on to another man when I had a husband of my own felt wrong. I even felt bad for the coffee and muffin.
“It’s okay. I’ll be fine. Thank you, though. Thank you for asking me again.”
He brushed a thumb against his chin. “Thank you for being honest. It takes a lot of guts to be that honest.”