14 Kierra
14
Kierra
After the burn to my hand, I did exactly what I did every time Henry had an episode. I went on as if nothing had happened. Though, truthfully, each time something happened, it felt as if a piece of me was fading. Still, life had to go on, and our house continued to be built as the foundation of our lives continued to crumble.
Over the next few weeks, we had concrete poured. A frame of the house was going up quickly. June sped past, and as summertime settled in, I was getting used to the idea of being around Gabriel. Of course, it wasn’t hard to be around him. He made it shockingly easy. From meetings with Henry over the house details to treating Ava like a princess at the mentorship program, Gabriel went above and beyond to make sure everyone felt taken care of.
That even included having a cinnamon muffin and coffee with me at least twice a week. When the bakery was running low on muffins, we agreed to go halfsies with the one that was left. When we met up, conversations always came easily. He’d ask me about myself and my likes and needs. It was nice to talk to someone besides Joseph, Rosie, and Ava. My parents were wonderful, too, of course, but a few years back, they’d moved out to Austin, Texas. But talking to Gabriel felt different than with all those people. It felt like coming home after a long, cold winter. He still laughed the same. Still rubbed his thumb and pointer finger together when he was in deep thought. Still frowned with his eyes before his lips.
Still felt like home.
The guilt I harbored because a man other than my husband felt like home still ate at me, even though Henry wasn’t always the best toward me. Even if my marriage was loveless, I shouldn’t have felt so strongly connected to someone else.
I tried my best to battle those feelings toward Gabriel. I tried to push down the conflicting thoughts that raced through my mind. For me, the best way to do that was to focus as much as possible on my clients, rather than on myself. I liked to push my own struggles as far back as possible with a TBDWAALD sign on them: to be dealt with at a later date.
Claire Dune was having a good day. Those seemed few and far between, but I loved it when she walked into my office with a sense of confidence. She still fiddled with her hands when she talked, and at moments she’d slip into self-deprecating pity, but more than not, she’d catch herself and not let her mind spiral into a mess.
“Peter asked me out,” she said nonchalantly. Her smile stretched from ear to ear as she shook her head in disbelief. “Can you believe it? Can you believe that he actually asked me?”
“Of course I can. You’re an amazing person with a heart of gold.”
“I also have a lot of baggage,” she commented as she sat back in her chair. “Sometimes, I think I’m too much for love. That I’m so screwed up from my past traumas that no matter what, I’d screw up any relationship I get in.”
“Where do those insecurities come from? Are those your own thoughts or the thoughts of another?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Sometimes, in my head, it’s hard to know what my own thoughts are and what thoughts came from my parents.”
“You know the cool thing about thoughts?”
“What’s that?”
“They don’t have to define you. They can come and go without attaching them to yourself and your worth. Not every thought is worthy of a response. You have the power to say, ‘No, thought. You are wrong and you must leave this instant.’ You are the navigator of your life, and you can shut down any person, place, or thought that makes you feel lesser. A good trick is to say out loud the opposite of any negative thought, three times in a row, to cement a better belief into your system.”
Her brows knit together. “So, when the voices in my head are calling me ugly, I’d say…?”
“I am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am beautiful.” I smiled her way and nodded once. “And you are beautiful, Claire. But it doesn’t matter what I think, or even what Peter thinks. It matters what your core belief is about yourself. And if you learn to combat those negative thoughts, you can change your life.”
“I am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am beautiful,” she repeated, closing her eyes. She placed her hand over her heart and let out a small breath. “I am good enough, I am good enough, I am good enough.”
“Yes, that’s it.”
Her eyes fell to the picture on my desk of Henry and Ava. She smiled a little and shook her head. “Your daughter’s lucky to have you in her life. I bet you teach her these kinds of things, too.”
“I do my best to remind her how amazing she is.”
“My parents never did that. I don’t think if I had a daughter before now, I would’ve been able to do that, either. I would’ve been hard on them, because hard was all I knew how to be. It’s good that mothers like you exist. You are saving lives and raising kids who will be stronger than the ones before. You’re really a good person, Kierra.”
I smiled and leaned toward her. “Now, say that to yourself, because it’s true.”
Her eyes flashed with emotion as she nodded and said the words.
We worked through all her thoughts that afternoon, and surprisingly enough, helping her lifted a bit of pressure off my own chest. I felt as if she had given me a reminder to be kinder to myself, too.
Because I was good enough, I was good enough, I was good enough.
No matter what the voices in my head tried to convince me of.
***
One afternoon, Gabriel was stopping by to drop off some paperwork for Henry. Henry was running late to work, which was something that always happened. He’d sent me a text message, instructing me to stay home to retrieve the paperwork. He didn’t have to twist my arm to greet Gabriel that afternoon, that was for sure.
“Hey, come on in,” I said as I opened the front door for Gabriel. “How are you?”
“Good, good. I was just going over some paperwork that Henry wanted, so I figured I’d bring it and get him to sign it before I’m back in two days to check in on the foundation and build.” He raked his hand through his messy hair and grinned. “You look nice.”
I glanced down at myself. I was wearing my oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants. “I look like a slob, but I appreciate the compliment.”
He held the folder out toward me. “Thanks for letting me swing by to drop th—”
“ Mommmm! I have cramps and I hate everything and being a girl is the worst thing in the world, and if I could cut out my insides I would if that meant no more…” Ava froze in place as she stomped into the living room. The moment she saw Gabriel, a flash of horror and embarrassment spread across her face.
Gabriel held up a hand toward her. “Hey, kid.”
Ava’s eyes darted between Gabriel and me before her jaw dropped and her eyes filled with tears. “ Oh my gosh! Mommm! Why didn’t you tell me he was here?” she said as humiliation seeped throughout every inch of her being. “This is so embarrassing!” she screamed as she stormed back to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
Hormonal teenagers were not something I was ready for. Then again, Ava seeing Gabriel as she talked about her period cramps was not something she was ready for, either.
“Sorry about that. That time of month makes her a little on edge,” I said.
“Not a worry. I’m pretty sure if men had periods, we’d start wars to get out our rage. Her slamming a door is nothing. I hope she’s not too embarrassed by it.”
“Oh, she is, and I’ll have to beg for her forgiveness, even though I didn’t know she’d come out saying that stuff.”
He smiled and rubbed his jawline. “Anyway, I just wanted to drop those off.”
“Do you want a drink?” I offered. I wasn’t even certain why. I shook my head. “Sorry, that’s a weird thing to ask. I’m sure you have other things to do, but it felt odd to have you come all this way and not offer you anything.”
He paused for a moment. “I’d take a drink.”
I grabbed him a beer and myself a vodka soda, and we walked outside and sat on the ground in front of the house being built. Our legs were bent as we rested our arms on top of our kneecaps as the sun set overhead.
“I do love this land,” I said as I stared forward. “There’s something about nature that brings me a lot of peace. I didn’t have that at our old home.”
“I’m a nature guy myself. There’s something about sitting in it that makes all my worries fade for a little while.”
“Do you have a lot of worries?”
“Luckily, no. I live a pretty happy life. I do what I love. It just…” His words faded as if he realized he was oversharing.
“It’s just what?”
“Sometimes, it’s lonely. I work a lot. I keep to myself a lot. Most of the time, it’s fine. But then I work on projects like this one, and I see families like yours, and I wonder what it would be like to be…more than just me.”
If only reality was as great as the exterior imagery that Henry painted our family to be.
“I think some people in families are still very lonely,” I told him.
“But you’re not,” he said. “I’ll admit I’m a bit envious of the life you have, and how far from lonely it seems.”
Oh, Gabriel. If you knew the shadows of my realm…
“Yes,” I nodded, “Ava makes it easy to not be lonely.”
“And Henry,” he added.
I smiled and I lied. “Yeah, and him.” I shifted a little and stared toward the build. “Do you think it will feel warm like a home and less like a mansion? It’s very big, and sometimes I worry about a house this big feeling cold and lonely.”
“It is massive,” he agreed. “But it will be warm.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because you’ll be there.”
I smiled at him.
He smiled back at me.
I felt his smile in my chest.
I felt him in my soul.
And then, it happened.
That was the exact moment I began to fall in love again with a man who could never be mine. Then again, I didn’t think I’d ever stopped loving Gabriel. That love for him always sat quietly in my heart and would stay there for the rest of time. Loving him wasn’t simply a choice; it was my destiny. I was born to love him, and for a short period of time, I thought he was born to love me, too.
“Gabriel?” I whispered.
“Yes?” he whispered back.
“I really like the person that you are.”
His smile stretched, and I fell for him more.
“Kierra?”
“Yes?”
“I really like the person that you are,” he echoed.
And just like that, I fell some more. Tripping, tumbling, spiraling for him.
And within that moment, I felt the strongest urge to tell him everything. To tell him about us. To tell him about Elijah. Because when love was real, secrets did not exist.
I swallowed hard and released a weighted breath. “Gabriel, there’s something I have to te—”
“Sorry if I’m interrupting,” a voice said from behind us, making me abandon my thoughts and slip back into reality. I looked over my shoulder to see Rosie standing there with a big, cheesy grin on her face.
I stood, and Gabriel followed.
“Rosie, hey. What are you doing here?” I asked, walking over to my friend.
“Wow,” she breathed out quietly. “Well, I’ll be.”
“Rosie,” I whispered before giving her a stern look. A look that read, “Act as normal as possible and don’t make this a thing.”
Unfortunately for me, Rosie would always make something a thing.
She poked her tongue in her cheek before saying, “My parents were finally clearing out their garage and found some old boxes you stored at their place during college. I just dropped those off with Ava. She told me you were back here with…?” She grinned from ear to ear, arching an eyebrow as she smiled toward Gabriel.
He stepped forward and held a hand out toward her. “Gabriel Sinclair. I’m the architect on the Hugheses’ project.”
Rosie shook his hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Gabriel.”
He laughed. “Hopefully good things.”
“Only the best.” Rosie was staring at him as if she’d just seen a ghost. I didn’t blame her. I, too, was in a state of shock when Gabriel made his return to my life. She placed her hands on her hips and shook her head in disbelief. “Wow, you’re handsome.”
“Rosie,” I said, nervously laughing.
“No, really. You’re damn handsome. And built.” She wrapped her hand around his bicep, because the word boundaries was not in her vocabulary. “Do you work out?”
Gabriel kept laughing and flexed slightly. “Here and there.”
“Here and there,” Rosie snickered, nudging me. “Those aren’t here-and-there muscles. Those are always-there muscles.”
“Rosie!” I shouted, smacking her hand away from Gabriel. I felt my cheeks heating up from the whole exchange as I gave Gabriel an apologetic smile. “Sorry. My best friend has a lack of boundaries and tact.”
“Not everyone can be as humble and sweet as Kierra,” Rosie said. “Some of us are a bit more dickish.”
“I appreciate the honesty,” Gabriel stated. “Honestly, I don’t think most people are as humble and sweet as Kierra.”
“Damn straight. That’s why I always have to cuss people out on her behalf,” Rosie stated.
Gabriel smiled, seemingly unfazed by Rosie’s antics. Which only reminded me of how he put up with her when we were younger. It felt odd standing there with my two best friends. It was almost as if I’d stepped into a time machine and been sent back before tragedy took root in my life.
“You look kind of familiar,” Gabriel mentioned, arching an eyebrow toward Rosie.
Nerves bubbled in my gut as those words left his mouth.
Rosie didn’t seem moved at all and she struck a pose. “Well, you are looking at Channel 12’s weather girl in the flesh.”
“Ah, yeah. You remind me to pull out an umbrella every now and again,” he said.
“Keeping humans dry for the last seven years,” Rosie replied.
“I appreciate it. It makes for better hair days.” Gabriel glanced down at his watch and then nodded. “I should probably get going, though. Thanks again for the drink, Kierra. I’ll see you soon. And Rosie, it was a pleasure meeting you.”
“The pleasure is all mine,” Rosie sang as I rolled my eyes. Gabriel walked away, and Rosie peered at him until he was out of sight. Then she turned to me and swatted my arm. “ Shit! Shit! Shit ! Kierra, you didn’t tell me Gabriel got hot. Like supercharged hot!”
“He’s pretty good-looking, yes.”
“No. Don’t downplay this. It’s like Henry Cavill and Kofi Siriboe had a love child and Gabriel Sinclair was born. He’s like a fine wine: better with age and much more intoxicating. My panties literally almost somersaulted off my body and straight to his mouth from just a hello.”
“Rosie.”
“I almost loosened my jaw and asked him to stuff me like a Thanksgiving turkey with his beef sausage.”
“Rosie.”
“I almost begged him to call me a good girl before he spat in my mouth.”
“ Rosie! ”
“If I wasn’t engaged and your best friend, I would’ve humped his leg.”
I blankly stared at her. “Are you done now?”
She nodded. “Yes, I guess I’m done.”
“Good. And I’m very happy you didn’t hump his leg.”
“I want you to know I thought about humping his leg multiple times within those few minutes.”
“Well, we can stop talking about humping his leg now.”
“Oh.” She nodded. “Okay. But…oh my gosh. He’s beautiful.”
Yes, he was.
It wasn’t only his looks that made him so attractive, though. It was his kindness, his heart. I wasn’t sure how it was possible, but Gabriel was even kinder than he had been when we knew each other all those years ago.
Rosie’s vibrant personality simmered a little as she placed a hand against my shoulder. “How are you handling all of this? Being around him?”
“Fine,” I lied.
“Liar,” she replied, patting me on the back. “You are officially screwed, my friend.”
“He doesn’t know about Elijah,” I whispered, rubbing my hand up and down my arm.
She arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean, he doesn’t know about Elijah?”
“Amma never told him that he had a brother after the accident…and when I saw her, she made me promise I’d never bring it up.”
“Um, that’s insane. What the hell? Gabriel deserves to know that. You have to tell him.”
“I want to, but…I can’t.”
“Yes you can, Kierra. Why do you think you can’t—”
“I killed him,” I choked out, shaking my head as the emotions hit me. “I’m the reason Elijah’s gone. I’m the reason Frank left Amma. I’m the reason Gabriel doesn’t remember… She asked me to do this one thing, and it’s the least I can do after ruining her life.”
“It was an accident, Kierra. You didn’t mean for it to happen. You’re not a monster, and you can’t hold that guilt.”
“But that’s the thing,” I said, “I am her monster. And if I told Gabriel, even though I truly want to, I would be causing her more pain.”
Rosie sighed and pulled me into a hug. “I love you, but I hate this. I hate this so much.”
I nodded as I cried against her shoulder.
Because I hated it, too.
I hated it more than words.