32 Kierra
32
Kierra
“Amma, what are you doing here?” I asked, staring at Gabriel’s mom yet again in my office lobby. The moment I saw her, I felt defeated. I was too tired to defend myself to her. I was too tired to listen to her tell me what an awful person I’d been.
I was running on an empty tank of emotions and had little of myself to give. And any juice that was left in my tank had to be given to my clients. They didn’t deserve to suffer simply because my life was in flames. I’d been spending time with lawyers, making an exit strategy, making sure I had all my ducks in a row before filing for divorce. Tamera had mentioned how I should gather video footage of Henry attacking me over the past few weeks. With our home being a smart house, there would definitely be footage of Henry being violent toward me. So while Henry was gone, I’d go into his office and try to find any files that I could. I also had my own cameras set up for when he came back into town, just in case he became enraged again.
But I couldn’t focus on that with Amma in my office. I needed her to know I didn’t have time for whatever it was she was going to say to me.
“Listen, actually, don’t tell me why you’re here. I don’t have the time for a talk. Or for you to tell me how awful I am,” I blurted out. “Frankly, I can’t really take much more of hearing how terrible a human I am, and I don’t need you to—”
“I’m sorry,” she cut in, making me pause and shake my head in confusion.
“What?”
She stepped toward me. “I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry for being so cruel to you all those years ago. I’m sorry for blaming you for the accident, because it wasn’t your fault, Kierra. It was tragic, and painful, and traumatic, but it was never your fault.”
“I…” My words caught in my throat. I shook my head. “It was my fault. I should’ve been more careful on the road. I should’ve—”
“It was an icy street. You couldn’t foresee it, and you weren’t even the car that slid out of control. You loved my Elijah so much. I know you did, and you would’ve never wanted a hair on his head to be out of place.”
It was true.
Elijah felt like a gift not only to Amma and Gabriel, but also to me. He was the little brother I never had and always dreamed of. Everything about him was magical. From his unique imagination to his ability to make people laugh. From his kind, gentle heart, to his welcoming smile. Elijah was the definition of a perfect pure soul, and the world was a darker place without him.
“I loved him so much,” I whispered.
She nodded. “He loved you, too. And I’m sorry I put that on you. I’m sorry I let my own heartbreak crash into your life. I’m sorry I allowed you to carry that burden of blaming yourself for his death. It was an accident. You didn’t kill my son. It wasn’t your fault.”
It was an accident.
You didn’t kill my son.
It wasn’t your fault.
Three sentences that I’d dreamed of hearing from Amma were now rolling off her tongue. And just like that, small pieces of my own heart began to heal.
I rubbed my hand up and down my forearm. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just…I realized how much harm I’ve done. Seeing how heartbroken Gabriel is…I should’ve never sent you away.”
“You did what you thought was best.”
“That doesn’t mean it didn’t have dire consequences.” She moved in closer to me and placed a hand on my arm. “Kierra…my son’s in love with you. He’s been in love with you for a very long time. And I’m sorry that I interrupted your love story. But if you give him a chance…I know he’d love you, and love you right, for the rest of your life.”
I believed her. Not because of her words, but because I knew who Gabriel had been. I didn’t need him to tell me he loved me because I felt it in his actions. I saw it in his eyes. The only good thing over the past few weeks, other than Ava, was the fact that my dreams took me back to him. Some nights, I’d close my eyes and dream of his lips, of his arms wrapped tightly around me. In my dreams, we were everything we deserved to be. We were in love, we were happy, we were forever intertwined with always.
I hated when I woke each day, because that was the problem with dreams—they didn’t lead to reality. They just remained within the darkness.
“I love him,” I told her.
“Then go after him. He’s waiting.”
“I can’t,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I want to, Amma. Trust me, I do. But first, I have to make sure my daughter and I are safe.”
Her eyes that matched her son’s blinked a few times. “He’ll wait for you.”
“I can’t ask him to do that.”
“Oh, Kierra… Don’t you see?” She shook her head. “He’s been waiting for you for over twenty years. I have no doubt that he can wait a little bit longer. I can tell him—”
“Please don’t,” I urged. “Don’t say a word, Amma. I don’t want it to be that way. I want him to live as I try to figure out my life. I don’t want him waiting for me until I know I’m able to give him all of me. And if I’m too late, well…that’s something I’ll have to live with.”
That was the thing about love, real love, that is. One had to be willing to let it go in order to not hold the other back from finding their joy.
***
After work, I headed home to begin my search for documents and files in Henry’s office. I wanted to find a password to the videos of him abusing me in the home. Knowing how much of a smart house we had, I knew something had to have captured Henry’s abuse toward me. Those videos would go far in court.
My stomach was in knots after I got into the office and began to thumb through his things. The only issue was that everything was password protected and next to impossible to get into. It shouldn’t have surprised me that a tech mogul had a high-level password system set up. Still, I was hoping that I was able to break through something. Anything.
“What the hell are you doing?”
I startled, looking up to find Henry standing in the doorway of his office. The look of shock on his face was heavy as he held a stack of paperwork in his hands. The divorce papers I’d had drawn up and left in the living room. I was going to read through them that night and mark down any changes I needed for my lawyer.
“Henry. What are you doing here?” I nervously asked as I stood from his office chair.
“What are you doing?” he repeated. “And what are these?”
I slowly walked toward him, uncertain of how he’d react. “I didn’t know you were coming home so soon. I was hoping to have everything put together for us to go over after you came back and—”
“We already talked about this. We aren’t getting a divorce.”
“Yes, we are.”
He narrowed his eyes and glanced around his office. “What were you doing in here? Trying to find ways to fuck me over in court?”
“It’s not that… I just…” I sighed as my stomach knotted up. “I can’t lose Ava, Henry. She’s my world.”
“She’s not yours. She’s mine.”
I shook my head. “She’s not your property. She’s a human, and she wants to be with me.”
The anger that flashed through his eyes made my skin crawl. His nostrils flared with his deep breaths. “You’re trying to ruin me. I bet you want my money, too.”
“No,” I said. “I want nothing from you. You can keep everything. I just want my daughter.”
“My daughter,” he corrected. “Not yours.”
He was blocking the door, my way out. I tried to stay calm because I knew if he saw a moment of fear in me, he’d lean into that even more.
I grimaced as I tried to casually walk past him. “We can talk later. I’m sure you had a long flight and—”
He gripped my wrist and shoved me against the doorframe. I yipped from the pain of my back hitting the door so hard.
“Ouch, Henry!” I murmured, trying to untwist his grip from my wrist. “Let me go.”
“You’re trying to ruin me,” he said, his brown eyes packed with hatred and fear. He smelled like whiskey, and it was becoming clear that his trip to China hadn’t gone the way he’d hoped. Now I was the one who was trying to ruin him. Now I was his enemy because he couldn’t attack those who truly let him down. He could only try to hurt me in the shadows.
“Henry. You’re tired. Please, let me go,” I whispered.
He pulled me closer to him and pressed his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes, feeling the level of danger building in my chest from his tight embrace. He rubbed his cheek against mine and brushed his mouth over my lips. “I fucking hate you,” he whispered. He said the words as if they were soaked in love, in such a passionate way. “Do you hear me, Kierra? I fucking hate you.”
I hate you, too.
I couldn’t say that, though.
Because I was certain that would make him spiral more.
He forced a kiss on me, gripping my neck, and I didn’t move. I was too nervous to do so. His kisses tasted like hatred. He kissed me like I was his greatest enemy and he was marking me with his disgusting taste.
Then he grabbed my cheeks with one hand and shoved me backward to the floor. I fell with a hard thump. He smirked down at me and shook his head. “Get up, Kierra. Stop being so weak,” he said as he chuckled.
As I went to stand up, he whipped his leg out in front of my feet, making me fall back to the floor. My heart pounded rapidly as the panic began to grow in my chest. I began to crawl toward the front of the house. His laughter as he watched me crawl made me nauseous. I wanted to just make it to the front door. To get out before he could hurt me. Before he could do something to me that couldn’t be undone.
As I made it near the kitchen, I gripped the doorframe and began to stand up. As I stood, Henry shoved me from behind, making me trip forward. My head slammed against the kitchen island, and I felt the blood begin to trickle down from my forehead. I felt dizzy, sick, embarrassed. Weak.
He kept snickering behind me.
“Get your footing, Kierra. You’re so damn embarrassing,” he hissed as he walked over to me. He grabbed my arm and began to yank me in his direction. “Let’s go up to our room to talk,” he said. “We should sit and have a heart-to-heart.”
“Please, Henry. Stop this,” I begged as tears began falling down my cheeks, mixing with the blood from my forehead.
He slapped me. Hard. Then he punched me in the face, splitting my lip open with his wedding ring. The ring I’d given to him all those years prior. Then he laughed again. “Be strong, Kierra. Stop sounding like a weak bitch.” He then dragged me by my arms toward the stairs, forcing me up each one to our bedroom.
He kept dragging me until he shoved me against our wall.
I curled up into a ball, uncertain of when his next hit might come. I covered my head as my heart began beating faster and faster, reality beginning to settle in. ’Til death do us part. He was going to kill me. He was going to kill me, and Ava would have no one. He was going to kill me, and Ava would get the message that her mother was gone. He was going to kill me, and I’d never see my daughter again.
“Please stop.” I sobbed into my hands as my body shook violently from fear of his unhinged actions. “Just leave me alone,” I begged.
I didn’t look up at him. I couldn’t. Because if I did, the joy in his eyes would terrify me even more than I already was.
He began ripping up the divorce paperwork, and he threw the pieces at me. He then picked up the vase with the dead roses I hadn’t gotten around to throwing away and dumped it over my head, soaking me and the paperwork. He bent down and cupped my face in his hand once more. “Before you even made it to court, I would drain you of every cent you had. Then I would ruin you in the courtroom, you crazy bitch. Don’t test me,” he ordered. He took a few steps back with the vase in his hand and threw it just over my head, where it hit the wall. Pieces of glass shattered all over me as my body trembled nonstop from the terrifying fact that I was stuck in a house alone with a complete madman.
He’s going to kill me.
He’s going to kill me.
He’s going to kill me…
I kept my head down as he walked around me. He kept laughing as I stayed in a ball. “You’re so pathetic, Kierra. This is embarrassing. Pull yourself together.”
I didn’t say anything, and he kept laughing.
“I’m going to get a drink and to meet with a few clients. Clean this mess up. We’ll talk later.”
He left the room, but I didn’t believe that he truly left. My husband was a liar. A psychotic, monstrous liar who would probably be waiting around the corner for me to feel safe enough to get up, only so he could shove me down the staircase. He’d tell people I tripped, too. That I was so clumsy. That I was so unstable. That I was the issue.
I was always the issue.
I heard the front door slam closed, and a car pulled away.
A short breath fell from between my lips.
When I found enough courage, I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my cell phone. I sent a quick text message. Then I waited. And waited. And waited.
How did I get here?
What had I become?
Blood trickled down my cheek as I stayed balled up beside my nightstand. The water seeped into the carpet while glass pieces sat scattered around me.
That would be another argument. Or, more so, him yelling at me, reminding me how disappointing I’d been.
“Why did you upset me so much that I had to throw that at you, Kierra? Why do you push me so much when all I do is love you? Now, look at that mess.”
Mess.
Such a mess.
I shuddered as I heard the front door open, thinking Henry was back for more. I hadn’t moved in the past twenty minutes. My phone was gripped in my hands as my nervous system stayed in overdrive, making it impossible for me to physically stand.
“Kierra!” was shouted, the voice alert and stern.
Within seconds, my troubled soul soothed from the sound of the voice packed with bass. Henry’s voice didn’t do that—soothe me.
“Here,” I choked out. I felt a certain amount of shame as I glanced down at myself. My T-shirt was stretched out and ripped from when Henry’s hands had twisted around it to toss me around like a rag doll.
Concern for my safety should’ve been the first thing to cross my mind at that moment, but truthfully embarrassment showed up first. I felt ashamed that another would see me in my current state. Especially him.
I didn’t want him to see me like this. Broken. Battered. Bruised.
Damaged.
I frantically wiped at my tears, but still, I couldn’t stand. Why wouldn’t my feet move? Why was my body frozen? Why did I not fight back?
Weak.
“You’re such a weak bitch.”
So many of my thoughts weren’t even my own anymore. They all belonged to him. He’d spent the past few years reprogramming my thoughts to match his voice. Thoughts that fed me insults at rapid speeds, drenching my soul in self-doubt.
They started out so small, harmless even.
“You’re not going to eat another piece of bread, are you?”
“That’s an interesting hair color choice.”
“Have you considered starting at a gym to up your energy more? We can go together and make it a couple’s thing.”
I never struggled with my energy. Still, I signed up for a membership.
Stop , I begged my own brain. There was such a small part of me that remained after what he’d done to me. Yet it still fought back, even though it was tired, even though it was hurt, even though it wanted to quit time and time again. It was that same part of me that managed to make the call that would take me away from here.
The footsteps were fast paced and then they reached the bedroom and found me.
Me.
In the corner.
Balled up like a coward.
I looked up and met his eyes. The kind eyes I’d hadn’t seen in days, weeks.
Gabriel.
He came.
Reality set in that he came back for me.
Even after how everything went down.
He hurried over, his hand rested against my cheek, and I shut my eyes. Comfort. I missed that most of all.
“Kierra…” he choked out with palpable heartache.
I opened my eyes and saw the hurt in his stare. I shook my head. “Just a few bruises, that’s all,” I half-joked.
He didn’t laugh. I didn’t blame him. Nothing was funny.
“Where’s Ava?” he asked, alert, his eyes darting around the space. “Is she…?”
“She’s okay. She’s at her grandmother’s.”
Gabriel pulled me closer to him. “I’m going to murder him,” he growled, his nostrils flaring with a rage I’d never seen before. “I’m going to fucking murder him.”
“No. It’s fine.”
“This isn’t fucking fine,” he growled, his voice dripping with desire for vengeance.
“I know. But we have to leave before he’s—”
The front door opened again, and I tensed up. Gabriel glanced toward the doorway of the bedroom, then back to me. “Stay here,” he ordered. Not an order from control, yet one from protection. Those orders were very different. Henry controlled; Gabriel protected.
Gabriel stood and marched out of the bedroom. I covered my ears and rocked back and forth as the commotion in the other room intensified. It sounded like a war zone with things being knocked over, things being shattered. I trembled from fear, uncertain what was going on in the other room. Seconds felt like minutes, and minutes felt like hours as I waited.
When the commotion came to a halt, the silence terrified me more than the noise prior. Footsteps grew closer. My anxiety shot higher. Then he appeared.
Gabriel.
He walked over to me, with a busted lip.
I placed my hand against his face. “Are you okay?” I asked.
A tiny curve raised his lips. “Just a few bruises, that’s all.”
Gabriel.
My Gabriel.
My very best friend.
“And Henry?” I questioned, a crack in my voice.
“Don’t worry. You’re safe.”
He lifted me into his arms. I burrowed into his chest. “Keep your eyes closed until you’re in the car, okay, Kierra? Don’t look around.”
I agreed. He carried me to the vehicle and unlocked the door. As he placed me in the passenger seat, I kept my eyes shut. He hurried over to the driver’s seat and closed his door. The second he drove off, I opened my eyes and I allowed myself to breathe.