Chapter 37 Lili #2
He made sure I’d find his notebook and see that he was trying all these years to find proof for us, but not all the other
pieces that would prove it was all a waste.”
My feelings are still very complicated where my dad is concerned. That pendulum has swung from one side to the other this
summer, and while it’s still swinging, I’m beginning to understand that when it settles, I won’t change my mind about this.
“I’m not going to hide from it,” I say, pushing it all toward him. “The museum can have all of it, every page of my dad’s
notebook, if you want it. It’s something real now, and if you ever want McCleave’s to display any of it and Kezia’s story,
warts and all, I want you to know you can. All the remaining Gardner family are giving you our blessing.”
I hear Wren moving toward me, but he remains silent.
“I know you have your dad and Nerissa to contend with, but maybe it can be a way for McCleave’s to start becoming the kind
of museum you want it to be.”
He’s right beside me now, looking over the items I spread out. “And that’s what you want?”
What I want is to build it all with him, to stay on this island until no one ever confuses me with a tourist again, especially not him, but there’s no point in saying any of that.
“I’d like for my dad to be credited for his research.
I’ve thought a lot about that, and I think it’s right that people know what he did.
He may not have wanted to tell anyone else what he found, but he left too much for me to ignore.
Maybe I’ll find a way to think that he was trying to protect me from his own failures, but even if I never quite get there, the truth is we wouldn’t have found anything without him. ”
When I look at Wren again, I find him staring at the Shelves, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Maybe he’s smiling? I can’t
really see unless I stretch sideways since he’s still not looking at me.
“It’s just that I’ve already been working on a different exhibit, with the harpoons from the wreck of the Essex you commented on the first day you came back. I got the idea from something you said about it being like having the weapon
that took on Moby Dick.”
I stare blank faced at him. “I don’t remember saying that, but you’re turning it into an exhibit? You’re doing it?”
He’s definitely smiling now. “I pitched the idea to my dad to tie it into the inspiration for Melville’s book, and he went
for it. We needed something to replace another exhibit last-minute, and I decided I didn’t have anything to lose from trying.”
“Wren, that’s—” I start toward him without thinking as if I’m going to hug him, only to skid to a stop, realizing that’s not
okay for me to do. I’m grinning though, I can’t control that. “—amazing. I’m really happy for you.”
He nods almost shyly. “Yeah, it was time. It’s not done yet, but if it goes well, I already have a few more ideas.
” He half turns to his desk, inclining his head as if he wants me to follow.
“This is what I was thinking of doing next.” He gestures for me to go ahead of him, even grabs the back of a nearby chair for me to sit in.
I do, but cautiously, since he’s got the oddest expression on his face, almost like he’s nervous, which I’ve never seen him
be before.
When I sit and look down at his desk, I frown. “What is . . .” But I don’t finish the question. It’s incomplete, more so after
everything I just told him, but it’s all our research into Kezia, including my dad’s, only it’s organized and laid out like
a museum display. There’s even a mock-up of what the final exhibit would look like with colored maps and timelines. And there’s
a picture of Wren and me working that I vaguely remember Tate taking one day, and next to that is a photo of my dad sitting
here, at this same desk, reading Kezia’s diary.
I bring a hand to my mouth to hide its trembling. “I don’t understand.”
“I didn’t know the ending yet, but I thought maybe the journey into her life was enough to show the world, or at least as
many people who come to McCleave’s anyway.”
I’m still covering my mouth, and I can feel that my eyes are getting dangerously close to spilling over with tears.
“We can make it better now, more complete, if that’s what you really want.”
I nod, because I do want that, so much I’m afraid of saying it out loud. “Where did you get the picture of my dad?”
Wren’s voice is closer now, right behind me. “I was worried he might turn out to be some kind of thief, so I took it in case
I needed something to show the police later. I forgot all about it until I started putting this together.” He pauses. “I was
planning to show you everything once I had a better mock-up, but despite Tate’s best efforts, you’re seeing it early.”
I close my eyes when he moves even closer and says my name. My heart is already a frantic drumbeat threatening to leap out my chest, and I don’t trust myself to look at him right now.
“Lili.” He repeats my name a second time, but it’s not until he softly says, “Tourist Girl,” that I chance glancing at him.
“I wasn’t who I want to be when you were here last time, and I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you.” He clears his throat and
adds, “And what I said about you leaving because of everything with me and Eryn—”
“Oh, no.” I curl an arm around my midsection and squeeze. “That’s okay, we don’t have to go into any of that.” I stand and
step back from the table and raise my hands toward it. “I’m only here for this. And I can go now. We don’t have to say anything
else about anything.”
“—you were right,” he continues as if I hadn’t interrupted him. “I hadn’t dealt with any part of that yet. I needed to before
I could tell you what I’ve been thinking.” He pauses and looks down at the work we did together. “I never saw you coming,
and I think that’s partly why I fought so hard against you in the beginning. I didn’t understand how I could be feeling the
things I felt for you when I was supposed to already be feeling them for someone else.”
My body tenses, and I start to turn away, but his hand catches mine, warm and insistent.
“No, listen,” he says, his grip tightening slightly. “I didn’t understand because they weren’t the same. And that was the
problem. I grew up with Eryn, and at first it was easy for us to shift from friends to more. But nothing really changed between
us—our feelings never grew past friendship, not the way they should have. I might not have ever realized that if I hadn’t
met you.”
“I don’t want to hear this.” I tug lightly to free my hand, but he doesn’t let go.
“I need you to hear,” he insists, his voice low, almost hoarse. “Because I’m trying to tell you I don’t regret it. Easy and
uncomplicated wasn’t enough for either of us, and Eryn knows that now too.”
I stop halfheartedly trying to pull away. “She said that?”
He nods. “We talked, and she let me apologize for the way I treated her, but she didn’t blame me for realizing the same thing
she was realizing herself.” He urges me closer. “The love that I have for her isn’t the right kind of love. I love her like
a friend, but not more than that, and it’s the same for her.”
His gaze locks on mine, catching every tremor, every quickening breath. He reaches for my face and I cover his hand.
“What exactly are you saying to me?” I ask, my voice barely a whisper.
He smiles as his hand slides over my jaw, his thumb brushing the curve of my cheek with a tenderness that makes my knees weak.
“I’m saying that I don’t want you to quit, not the museum, and not me. Stay here on Nantucket and help me make McCleave’s
the kind of place it always should have been, one with the biggest Kezia Gardner exhibit on the island if that’s what you
want. I know you have more ideas, and some of them might not be awful.”
A shaky laugh escapes me
“And I want you, because nothing about you is easy or uncomplicated, and I don’t want to think about having to watch you walk
away again.”
My heart gives a painful thump in my chest, even as it’s singing too. “I’m supposed to go to school in Maryland. I want to get my history degree and be able to come back here to Nantucket with something real to offer it.”
“I’m not saying don’t get your degree,” he says quickly, his eyes steady and serious. “In fact, I’m thinking about getting
one of my own. I did some research and U of M doesn’t offer just in-person degrees. I could get mine without ever having to
leave here to get it. You could too.”
I just stare at him, my heart pounding harder now. “You’re serious.”
He doesn’t blink. “As a spinal cord injury.” Then his hand eases. “Unless you really want to leave Nantucket.”
I step back, the sudden loss of his touch leaving a sharp ache behind as my thoughts spiral.
His voice is raw, like he’s choking on the words. “I mean, if you do, if that’s what you really want, then I won’t try to
stop you.”
I still. “I’ve never wanted to leave Nantucket,” I admit, the truth tasting bittersweet on my tongue. “Not even when I was
little.”
A slow smile spreads across his face, and I see something close to relief in his eyes.
“But Wren . . . you’re saying a lot of things.”
His smile falters. “Is it me? Did you change your mind?”
I turn away, glancing up and trying to breathe through the lump in my throat. “You had a girlfriend a week ago.”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Eryn and I haven’t had each other in a long time. We just admitted it to ourselves a week ago. There’s
a difference.”
I nod slowly, my back still to him, but the words come out broken. “But to me, you had a girlfriend a week ago.”
He doesn’t have a ready answer to that.
I turn to face him, regret hitting me hard when I see the despair in his expression. “I think I need some time to think about everything.”
“Okay,” he says before his features can smooth into something less dejected. “That’s okay. Summer isn’t over yet. Your family
isn’t planning to leave tomorrow, right?”
“No, not tomorrow.” Thanks to Graham, Mom hasn’t been packing as quickly as she normally does when we’re getting ready to
leave a newly flipped house.
“Will you still be here on Friday?” he asks, and I can tell how hard he’s trying to seem okay in this moment. “You all could
come to the private preview for the new mermaid display.”
“And your exhibit? Melville and the Essex?”
He nods, his mouth lifting on just one side. “It’s not going to be highlighted in the program, but yeah, that’s the goal.”
I don’t know if I’ll be any closer to figuring out my heart in four days, or everything else he’s offering, but I’ll have
to.
Because Mom may not be in her normal rush to pack, but our ferry tickets for Saturday have already been bought.