Chapter 12
W
“No one should become part of the Tate family. We keep our misery to ourselves.”
The next day, I didn’t see David at all, and he didn’t send a note. Which was understandable, I reminded myself. He shouldn’t be expected to spend every waking moment with me. He probably had things he needed to catch up on after all the time we’d already spent together.
It was, after all, only a temporary engagement.
I’d relived our kiss a thousand times in my head, and every time, a sneaking ribbon of pleasure interrupted my worry over what the kiss had done to drive David away.
After another day passed without a word from him, the thrill of remembering his hands on my waist and my fingers in his hair turned more and more into the worry I’d been pushing away.
I needed to see him. I lay in bed knowing I couldn’t spend one more day in the cottage with only Mama and my own thoughts.
If I did, the carpets would be threadbare from my pacing.
We were engaged. I could visit his home without an invitation, couldn’t I?
The last time I’d talked to David, he’d planned on Mama and me moving into Tate Hall.
With only a few days left until the Prestons’ tenants arrived, I needed to know if that remained our plan.
I would visit with the Mortensens on my way so I wouldn’t appear quite so desperate to see him, and then I’d call on Julia.
It was perfectly reasonable for me to call on Julia.
In the morning, I dressed, then sat at my dressing table, carefully examining the skin on my face in the mirror.
I didn’t feel old. If anything, my time in Breckenridge had made me feel younger than I had in a long time.
But what did David see? He’d once proposed to a seventeen--year-old woman, and at only twenty-three, a seventeen--year-old might still be what he would fancy.
I frowned, twisted my hair into a simple knot and went to breakfast. I shouldn’t be thinking about what David preferred. Young as he was, he most likely preferred no attachment at all.
I greeted Mama and grabbed a hunk of bread and cheese. “I’m going to Tate Hall this morning,” I told her when I sat down. “Would you like to join me?”
“Will Mr. Tate be sending the carriage?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m going to walk.”
Mama grimaced at the sound of the wind against the window. “I’ll stay home, but have a wonderful time, and send both Mr. and Miss Tate my regards.”
After my short visit with Mrs. Mortensen restored my spirits and left me feeling as though anything in the world were possible, I arrived at Tate Hall and told the footman I’d come to visit with Julia.
If he thought it strange that I’d come to visit her instead of my supposed fiancé, he didn’t say anything.
I was shown into the large octagonal drawing room, and I found I could pace here as well I did in the cottage. I’d only asked to see Julia, but if David knew I was here, he would come, wouldn’t he?
It took only a few moments for Julia to enter. She came in quietly but with a smile that showed she was happy to see me. I peeked behind her, and she must have caught the motion.
“I’m sorry, David isn’t here to visit. He is in Lincolnshire, meeting with a school friend of our brother, Garrett. David thinks he might have a position for you and your mother there.”
Any lifted opinions I had of myself after Mrs. Mortensen’s praises fled.
David hadn’t visited because he’d left without telling me, and he’d left on an errand that would hasten our separation.
We’d always known I would have to leave the cottage, but he’d never seemed to feel any urgency in finding me anywhere else to stay but Breckenridge.
It was hard to believe his sudden fervor in finding us a home didn’t have anything to do with the kiss we’d shared.
“In Lincolnshire?”
“Yes, I’ve heard it is a lovely place. I hope, for your sake, his plans work out and you can live there until you turn twenty-seven.”
I blinked, my eyebrows furrowing. “David told you about my inheritance?”
“Yes. I hope you don’t mind. I was worried about you.”
“Of course I don’t mind.” I could imagine how that conversation had played out.
Julia must have been concerned about how much I enjoyed being engaged to David and wondered if, after all her concern over him, perhaps he was the one who was going to hurt me.
David would have reassured her by mentioning all the plans we’d made beyond simply finding me work and a place to live.
Plans that, up until our kiss, had seemed reasonable to me.
I pasted a smile on my face, trying to look unconcerned, when, in reality, the large room had started feeling confining. I shouldn’t have come. “I’m glad you and David can both let your minds rest as far as I’m concerned.”
My smile must not have been very convincing, for Julia wrapped an arm around mine and pulled me to her side.
“You must know both David and I will miss you. I was harsh to you the first time we met, and while I don’t take back those words, I do regret them.
Even in the short time I’ve come to know you, I can see why David thinks so highly of you. ”
I nodded, feeling numb. Somewhere over the course of the last few days, I’d gotten used to the idea that I’d be moving into Tate Hall, and now it seemed as though that might not happen. How was I supposed to help Julia when we’d only just begun to know each other?
I felt hollow, as though I were watching our conversation from a position above us. I didn’t want to go back to being a lonely spinster living with her widowed mother on less money than we needed. I didn’t want to be friendless again.
Julia cleared her throat. “You must be parched and frozen from your walk. Would you like some tea? David rode on horseback, so the carriage will be free to take you home after we visit.”
I nodded again, unable to think of a reply. When had Julia become the one out of the two of us to know how to carry on a conversation?
I’d become lost the moment I’d heard David was in Lincolnshire. In Lincolnshire, there was no David, Julia, or the Mortensens. It was bound to be a dreary place.
“Julia—” David’s voice rang out from somewhere inside the house. “I’m home.”
I closed my eyes to a sudden rush of desire to hear David calling my name in that familiar manner whenever he walked through that door.
It was a ridiculous thought.
The door to the drawing room opened, and David stepped in, disheveled, with his coat half on, and enough stubble on his cheeks to make him look older than his twenty-three years.
He didn’t notice me. “I think I’ve found a place for Anna, and she will be able to move there even sooner than expected.”
His voice bounced off the walls without a hint of sadness. His relief and joy at finding me a place far from here left me suddenly bereft. If I could have disappeared through the floorboards, I would have happily done it.
Julia’s eyes widened, and she tipped her head toward me.
David’s grin disappeared, and with it, so did any hope that he wanted me to stay longer in Breckenridge. Finding me a place to live had been an item on his list, and he was even more anxious to cross that one off than he had been about the stolen kisses.
“Anna . . .” he started, running his hands through his hair. He groaned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were here.”
Yes, he’d made that quite clear when he’d enthusiastically declared how eager he was to be rid of me.
I stood, my legs unsteady. My embarrassment of him finding me in a tree was nothing compared to what I was feeling now. “I can go.”
“No,” both he and Julia said at the same time. David turned to his sister, a strange look of pleading on his face.
Julia took my hand in hers and pulled me back down to the sofa. “You need to have tea first, and it will take some time for the carriage to be prepared; we can’t ask you to walk home. Please, stay.”
David nodded. “I’ll be back shortly.” He rubbed a hand down his unshaven face. “Let me make myself more presentable, and then I’d like to tell you what I’ve found.”
David strode out of the room, and Julia pulled me toward the table. “It sounds as though David’s trip was a success.” She squeezed my hand. “Helping you has made him as happy as I’ve seen him in years. I’m certain he will be relieved to have a more permanent solution for you and your mother.”
“Yes,” I said in response, having trouble finding my voice.
A servant brought the tea, and then a few minutes later, David opened the door again, this time clean-shaven and clothes in impeccable order.
He glanced at me but went first to Julia and kissed the top of her head. “It is good to be home.”
She smiled up at him. “It is always good to have you home.”
I held my breath and waited to see if he would greet me similarly, but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. No one here thought we were engaged.
He sat and turned to me. “How have you been, Anna?”
I forced a smile. At least he wasn’t calling me Miss Atwood. “I’ve been well. I visited the Mortensens before coming here.”
David’s mouth curved into a smile. “They are a great family and an asset to the estate. We are lucky to have them.”
Julia nodded in agreement, and I did as well. A lot of agreeing occurred over our tea, but with no mention of David’s errand, nor of what he accomplished there.
I took a deep drink of my tea and cleared my throat. “Julia said you went to look into a position for Mama and me . . .”
David rubbed his hand along the edge of the table.
“Yes. My brother, Garrett, has a friend from Cambridge by the name of Lord Pip-pen.
He has a cottage sitting empty on his Lincolnshire estate.
I went to visit him to see if it would be a suitable place, and I think it will do quite nicely.
Lord Pippen was very kind, and he seemed more than happy to have the cottage occupied instead of empty.
“When I told him you would be willing to work to pay for your board, he mentioned some nonsense about my brother saving him from becoming a social pariah. He refused to accept your work. He was certain the cottage would be free for at least two years before he may need to do some repairs on it.”
I lifted my chin. “That all sounds lovely.”
David’s head rose. “Does it?”
“Yes.” I raised my hand to set it on his to reassure him but changed my mind and pulled away. His eyes caught my movement, and a flash of pain, or remorse, crossed his features. Our kiss had made me hesitant to touch him, and he knew it. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
He shrugged. “Married Mr. Green, I suppose.”
I wanted to laugh, but lightheartedness didn’t come. “I suppose so.”
“I was in jest, Anna. No one should be forced to marry someone not of their choosing.”
I attempted another smile. He was talking about Mr. Green, of course, but I couldn’t help but feel like perhaps our kiss had made him realize the last thing he wanted was to feel obligated to marry me.
That kiss had sent David to Lincolnshire and cost me weeks of time I could have spent engaged to him. I’d known it was a risk, yet somehow, my foolish heart had garnished hopes over the past few days that perhaps David had enjoyed kissing me enough to want to do it more often.
I took a sip of tea. Although it was no longer scalding, I drank slowly from my cup. Tate Hall didn’t feel dark and forbidding like it had eight years ago. It felt more like home than anywhere else I’d set foot in since Atwood Manor.
And just thinking that made me feel ridiculous.
I abandoned my plan of drinking slowly and instead drained the rest of my tea in a few large swallows.
I placed my cup on the table and caught Julia’s eye.
“If you think the carriage is ready, I should return home to Mama and tell her the good news. Or rather . . . I can’t quite yet, can I?
” I was getting ahead of myself. “I need to break the engagement first.”
“Oh.” Julia glanced at David and then at the door as though it were an escape. “The carriage might be ready. I’ll go check.”
“No,” David stood. “I will, then I can accompany Anna home so we can discuss how to tell her mother.”
He strode out of the room, and Julia and I were left alone. Whatever confidence she’d found earlier was gone, and mine hadn’t returned, so we sat in silence. Every once in a while, one of us rearranged our tea things.
David returned a few moments later, wearing his coat. “The carriage is ready.”
I grimaced. The only thing worse than sitting here drinking tea with David would be sitting in an enclosed carriage with him.
Even as an engaged couple we shouldn’t be alone together.
Not that I was under the delusion that he had plans to kiss me again.
“You don’t need to escort me. You only just arrived. ”
“It isn’t far in the carriage. And we need to speak to one another.”
We did. However, I wasn’t ready to discuss our plans. “Please, stay with Julia. I’m very grateful to you, but I’d like some time to think before we discuss how we are going to tell Mama. Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”
“Today might be better. You will need to start packing, and I was planning on repairing some fence line with Mr. Walker in the morning.”
I shook my head. “We have to pack either way. It won’t make a difference if Mama thinks we are preparing to come here to Tate Hall or to Lincolnshire. Come tomorrow afternoon, and we will speak of it then.”
David looked as though he were about to protest, but Julia laid a hand on his arm and shook her head softly. He heaved a sigh and nodded. “I’ll call on you tomorrow, then.”
It turned out that riding in a carriage just after discovering your world would soon be falling apart wasn’t the best decision.
Covered by the four walls of the carriage, I was completely alone with nothing to distract me, and as soon as the carriage was out of sight of Tate Hall, I slunk down in my seat and covered my face with my hands.
All the energy and zest for life David had started to convince me I had slid away.
My life was once again ruled only by the thought of surviving until my twenty-seventh birthday.
Hot tears formed behind my eyelids. Hope was such a quiet and fleeting thing; I hadn’t even noticed it sneaking up on me until it had been snatched away.