Chapter 13 #2
“I’m not marrying David.” I waited for the relief that would come at admitting the truth to her, but it didn’t come.
The words broke something inside of me instead.
“He is coming today, and we are going to speak. I’m planning on ending the engagement.
He isn’t in love with me, and he doesn’t want to marry me. ”
Her eyebrows furrowed, but not in anger, in confusion. “Anna, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man more in love with a woman. Don’t think I wasn’t aware of what you two were doing when you left the music room the other day. I’m not naive.”
“No, even that wasn’t real. He simply wanted to help us.”
She leaned forward and put her other hand on my cheek as well. “We often want to help the people we love.”
I sniffed and shook my head. “He is grateful to me. That is all.”
She frowned, the enormity of my words finally sinking in. “Have you asked him?”
“Asked him what? He just returned from Lincolnshire. He’s found a different cottage for us to live in, and he is happy about it. I heard him tell Julia, Mama. The relief in his voice . . .” I broke off, not able to continue.
Mama shook her head, her lips pursed in grim determination. “You can’t let him go that easily. A person can’t pretend that well.”
The unmistakable clacking of a carriage sounded outside, and unless Mr. Green had returned to add to his long list of money we owed him, it would be David coming to speak to me about how we were going to inform Mama. Little did he know, I’d already done it.
His knock came soon after.
Both of our eyes went to the door. “Do you want me to answer it?” Mama asked.
“Would it be so terrible if neither of us did?”
Mama took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. “If that is what you want, I will stay here with you and ignore him.” She wiped the moisture from my cheeks with her thumbs. “But you are going to have to face him someday.”
He knocked again, and I nodded. Mama lifted my arms from her legs gently. “I’ll open the door and give you a moment to gather yourself.”
She pulled me up with her and wrapped her arms around me.
“I don’t understand what happened, but this time, I will leave the decisions to you.
I would have been very happy in Tate Hall, but if we need to remove to Lincolnshire, I shall bear with it better than I would have two weeks ago.
Perhaps Mr. Green won’t be able to find us there.
But please consider what will make you happiest. These past few weeks .
. .” Her arms tightened even harder around me.
“It is like I had my daughter back after a long time of watching you fade so slowly I didn’t even see it.
I’ve been wearing blinders. And I refuse to wear them any longer. ”
Then she kissed my cheek and left.
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing any redness to leave them, then dashed to the mirror hanging above the mantel. I tucked what hair I could back into place and dusted off my skirts. Before I was prepared, David was there.
He hadn’t taken the time to remove his coat, and in his right hand was my old one. Mr. Green must not have wanted to sell it after all.
“What happened?” he asked the moment he laid eyes on me.
“Nothing,” I replied, but at the same time, Mama said, “Mr. Green was here.”
David strode toward me, his powerful legs making short distance of the space between us. “Did he hurt you?”
“No.” I couldn’t look David in the eyes, so instead, I focused on the dark-brown fur lining of his coat collar.
“He did something.” David’s voice sounded dangerous. “Why did I find your coat outside on the steps?”
Mama came up beside him. “Mr. Green must not have wanted it back.”
David dropped my coat as if it were made of hot iron. “He gave you this coat?”
I laughed dryly. “I suppose that depends on what your definition of give is. If by give you mean ‘gifted it to me and then demanded payment years later,’ then yes, he ‘gifted’ it to me.”
David glanced about the room, and his eyes caught hold of the papers Mama let drop to the floor beside the chair she’d been sitting on. One was crumpled, and the others lay scattered about in such a haphazard way that they stood out among the otherwise tidy room.
He marched over to the chair. “What is this?” he asked. When neither Mama nor I answered, he waited a moment to see if we would gather them up or hide them from him. When we did neither, he stooped and picked up a few of them.
His eyes flew down the contents of each page, and his face grew dark. He gathered the remainder of the papers, skimming over the information on each one before turning to me, his eyes brilliant with fury. “Does he expect you to pay this?”
Mama took a deep breath and gathered the papers from David’s hands. “I don’t think this is something that concerns you.” Her voice wasn’t unkind, but it lacked the element of care she typically used with David. “Not anymore.”
His eyes went to mine.
The sharp fury I’d seen in them shifted into something dull and painful. He knew our facade was over. I’d told her without speaking to him about it first.
Mama set the papers on the table and put her hands on her hips. “You two need to have a discussion. Anna tells me you’ve found a place for us that you are very excited about. Thank you. It is very kind of you.”
A muscle in David’s jaw clinched. “I didn’t do it to be kind.”
“Nevertheless, we are grateful. How were you planning on speaking with Anna?”
“I was going to take her on a carriage ride.” David’s voice sounded hollow.
Mama nodded. “Then please do so. The sooner we have this matter settled, the better.”
I wouldn’t meet David’s eyes. I had no choice but to speak with him. I should have allowed him to ride with me last night because at least it would have been a carriage ride of short and finite duration. And I would have had a coat I didn’t despise wearing.
I gritted my teeth and went to pick up Mr. Green’s coat. What was one more humiliation on top of everything else?
But David saw my motion and beat me to it. He grabbed it from the floor and tossed it away from me. “You won’t be wearing that.”
Something inside me hardened. David had no right to interfere with my life anymore. “I haven’t another coat to wear.”
He started to unbutton his, but Mama put a hand on his elbow. “She’s had enough of coats from men. She can wear mine.”
David’s hand paused, then he said something so low I couldn’t make it out. With gritted teeth, he thanked Mama and turned toward the door. “I’ll wait for you in the carriage, Miss Atwood.”
A few moments later, David sat across from me as the carriage rolled away. Mama stood in the doorway of the cottage without anything to protect her from the weather, watching us until we turned the bend. Only then did I face David and find him watching me.
He didn’t look like a man who wanted to get rid of me. He looked at me as if I were a rare gem or, at the very least, a rock with a rare spiral of color splashed across its surface, sitting on the path in front of him. He looked like the last thing he wanted to do was kick me away.
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him.
He’d given me a glimpse of something I could never have, and now that I knew for certain I would never have it, I wanted to move on to the part of my life where I could look back on our time together with wistfulness and omit the part where I had to feel all this pain.
“We need to talk.” David’s voice was low and achingly soft.
“I know.”
“I assume you told your mother about our agreement.”
I kept my eyes closed and gripped the side of the carriage. “Yes. Do you know when the cottage you found will be ready for us?”
“Lord Pippen said it was available now, but if you need more time, we could wait a week . . . you would, of course, be welcome at Tate Hall.”
My eyes flew open. I couldn’t be around David another week. Even this carriage ride was excruciating. “No. Let’s not wait. That would only mean removing our things twice.”
David’s shoulders sagged but after only a moment, he nodded stiffly. “Then I suppose our time together is coming to an end.”
I nodded in return.
His hand went to the side of the carriage, his finger sliding back and forth on the velvet just below the window. After several passes along the fabric, he dared a glance at me. “Seeing you again—being near you—has been a pleasure. One I wasn’t certain I would ever have again.”
I sucked in a breath. “I don’t think you should say such things to me.”
He swallowed hard and pulled his hand away from the window, clenching it at his side. We rode in silence then, neither of us wanting to say the wrong thing.
“I told the driver to take us to Tate Hall and back again. I could tell him to turn around now, if you would prefer.”
I shook my head. It would be only a few more minutes before we turned around anyway.
David’s clenched hands and jaw slowly softened after we made the turn.
I spent most of the time looking out the window, especially when we were in view of Tate Hall.
It was probably the last time I would see it.
I might come and visit the Mortensens when funds allowed it, but I didn’t think I would have the courage to walk anywhere near Tate Hall.
Especially not after David married, which he was certain to do in the future.
We arrived back at the cottage after saying only a few sentences to each other.
David alighted the carriage, turned, and held out his hand to me.
I took it, and he helped me down. My feet landed on the ground, and we both turned toward the front door.
His hand was still warm in mine, and he showed no signs of releasing me.
We stared at the door. The moment we crossed into the cottage and sat with Mama, our short charade would be over. Neither of us moved.