Chapter 13 #4
David’s breathing was coming faster, and I didn’t think it was because he was interested in my proposal.
He looked as scared as he’d been when he was younger.
My feelings about him didn’t seem to be helping my cause.
They were murky, even to me. Had I fallen in love with him?
Or was I only scared of going back to living life on my own?
I didn’t even know if it mattered what the answer to that question was; everything I’d told him was the truth.
I didn’t want to break our engagement. I wanted to be David Tate’s fiancée. I wanted to be his wife.
But I should probably think of a more practical way to explain myself.
“I know I must seem old and unfortunate to you, but because of that, I’m also willing to be humble.
I never thought I would beg for anything, except perhaps food for Mama if life got extremely bad.
But I’m begging you now, David, if you think there is any chance you could come to love me as a wife, to consider my proposal. Consider me.”
“Anna.” David’s eyebrows furrowed so deeply they created a solid V between them, and his voice shook.
Mine shook as well. “I’m sorry I’m not younger or as beautiful as I once was. I’m sorry I have no connections to—”
A hand came over my mouth, and David’s eyes hid some deeper turmoil. It was the closest thing to anger I’d seen in them when he was addressing me. “Stop apologizing for things I care nothing about. I don’t want that.”
I waited patiently for him to remove his hand from my lips, and eventually, he did.
“But do you want me?” I asked, and those blasted tears were suddenly blurring my vision again.
Over the past few days, David had made me think he felt as drawn to me as I was to him.
His kiss had been so tender, and only a moment ago, he hadn’t wanted to let me go without having one more chance to hold me.
Our waltz hadn’t been about checking the last thing off a list. “Or could you perhaps want me if we had more time together?”
One of David’s hands fell from my waist to his side. “Does this have anything to do with Mr. Green and that disgusting bill he gave you?”
I shook my head, my right side missing his warmth.
“A marriage would solve that problem because of my inheritance, but I wouldn’t ask this of you for only that.
Mama and I can find a way to solve it on our own.
I asked you because I think I might want to marry you.
” A sad, soft laugh passed over my lips.
“And I’m foolish enough to ask you even though I thought you would say no.
We aren’t very different after all, are we? ”
“I’m afraid we’re not.” His eyes searched mine. “If you give me a few months, I could have that amount in hand.”
A few months wouldn’t be fast enough, but that hardly mattered. Based on his responses to my questions, David wouldn’t be involved in my life much longer. “And what would our relationship be during those months?” I asked.
David’s jaw moved, sliding to one side and then back into place. His arm shook around my waist. “Anna, I don’t know. I cannot marry you.”
Something deep inside me cracked. I’d put all my cards on the betting table, and I’d lost. I lifted my chin, determined not to show how broken I’d just become.
“Then you need to stop trying to take care of me, David. If we are ending our relationship today, you have no right to that responsibility.”
David’s eyes closed, and he took one staggering step backward, almost as if I’d pushed him away.
When he opened his eyes, they were dull, the bright blue shifted into a cloudy gray.
He took two slow and heavy steps away from me.
“I can’t, Anna.” He rubbed his face with his hands.
“I wish . . . I wish . . .” He stiffened his back, even though the coloring in his cheeks made him look as though he were going to be sick.
His eyes fixed on a spot on the cottage behind me, and slowly, the shaking I’d felt when his hand was around my waist stopped.
“We need to go into the cottage and tell your mother about our decision.” A muscle twitched in his brow. “Now.”
I reached a hand out to him and stepped forward. He caught the movement with hard eyes and stepped away from me. My hand dropped.
I had my answer.
If I’d told him I needed to marry him only so I could pay Mr. Green, would he have done it? My heart sank at my foolish pride, yet I couldn’t manipulate David into marrying me because of his kindness.
He walked me back to the cottage but kept four feet of space between us.
It felt like an insurmountable distance, but it would be the closest I would ever be to him again.
We entered the cottage together and informed Mama of our intention to end the engagement. Somehow, even Mama’s eyes remained dry while we discussed the plans for removing to Lincolnshire. Everything was done in a businesslike fashion, patterned after David’s formal stiffness.
After he left, Mama and I spent an hour packing our clothing into trunks. We didn’t have much. My hands shook only once, when I pulled the lilies David had given me out of the vase and tossed them in the bin.
They were dead now anyway. My engagement had lasted almost exactly as long as cut hothouse flowers.
“It is over, then?” Mama asked when I started up the stairs to go to sleep.
I stopped, but I didn’t turn around to face her. “It is.”
I shut myself in my bedroom alone, grateful the Prestons’ cottage had enough room for me to have this private space to mourn for what I’d lost, even though I’d only ever had shadows of it in the first place.