Chapter 80 Delilah
DELILAH
Withdrawals are one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced.
Between the sweats, the nightmares, the hallucinations, and Kane witnessing them all, I don’t know how I survived.
But him seeing me at my worst, hearing me beg for another vial to get it to go away, while patiently wading through all the secrets I spilled has brought us closer.
It’s why I know he has questions as we lay in bed, battling our insomnia after weeks of agony. He pulls me onto his chest, kissing my crown, softly asking, “Who’s Luna?”
I make shapes on his shoulder with the tip of my finger, readying myself to tell him everything as his heart slows beneath my ear.
“She was so small,” I whisper, refusing to look at him.
“After we tried to escape the first time, she removed my birth control and injected me with fertility shots so I’d get pregnant.
I didn’t know, so when we were going to run, Helene’s tests had come back and she knew I was pregnant.
Which is why she sent the guards to get me that day. The last day.”
He audibly gulps, his chest barely moving. “Where’s Luna?”
“She was too small.” I look out at the sky through the large floor to ceiling windows. “I couldn’t keep her safe. Sh-she didn’t cry.”
“Fuck.” He wraps his arms around me. “I’m sorry.”
“I couldn’t stay awake to stop Helene from taking her. That wicked cunt stole both of my babies.”
“Ours,” he softly corrects. “She can’t take them away from us. They’ll always be our babies.”
“I know I wouldn’t be a good mother. I’m not stupid, but I could have helped them.”
“I know, Delilah,” he says softly—the old Kane, the first one I fell in love with. It’s that Kane who lets me cry through our shared grief without judging me or blaming me.
It’s hard to escape Helene’s manipulation. Like she burrowed into my brain and carved out a corner for herself. Now she’s always there so I don’t even know if my thoughts are my own.
“I’m sorry,” I beg. “I promise I tried but I get it if you don’t want me anymore.”
“Why the fuck wouldn’t I want you?” He tries to make me look up.
“Delilah, you have never done anything wrong. You don’t give someone a spoon, expect them to dig foundations, then get pissed when they beat their circumstances to create a well.
” My tears continue falling as he kisses my crown.
“That’s what you did. Used the only tools you had for survival.
Nothing and no one can make me see you as less again. ”
I shuffle up his chest and kiss his cheek, needing to feel closer to him than I already am.
I can’t ignore the way he stretches his left arm away from me anymore.
The craving for an escape is still there, shouting at me to take something—anything—but we’ve both been hurt.
Scarlet threatened to lock me in the bathroom if I asked her.
More than that, I don’t want to be the previous version of myself who constantly ran away from my own thoughts in fear of ever perceiving myself or my life for what it really is.
It’s fucking hard though when all I’ve ever known is the need to escape—my thoughts, my family, the memories.
My lips barely move as I ask, “What happened to your arm?”
“I did.” He turns his head to look at the black sky. “I—” Clearing his throat, he restarts, “I’ve lost so much over the years that I can’t talk about it.”
“Why?”
“Because if I lay here thinking about it, if I give those memories a name, they become real, and I won’t move again. I have to keep moving. Move or die.” His eyes are red-rimmed as he whispers, “Those are my options.”
He doesn’t say anything more as the low light from the lamp in the corner of the room casts reflections on his tear-filled eyes.
I press my lips to his cheek. “I love you. I don’t know who we are, but I know I love you.
I’ve loved you through every stage of my life, every emotion.
I’ll keep moving with you.” He audibly gulps as I hold my breath.
“Kane, please don’t shut me out. I’m so scared of everything around me and in my head.
Please don’t leave me alone while you’re in front of me. ”
“I’m disgusting,” he whispers so low I wouldn’t be able to hear him if I wasn’t laid on top of him.
“I hate myself so fucking much. You’re the only thing keeping me here, but now you’re safe, I don’t have a goal.
I’m fucked, pretty girl. Mentally, spiritually, everything I am is fucked to such an extent I’ll always be reminded of what I’ve done. ”
“No, you’re not. You’re human and you’re mine.
I know you. I knew you when you’d hide because you didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with your presence.
I knew you when you were angry, filled with hate.
I know you now while you think you don’t.
All those parts are still right here.” I gently tap his chest.
“Do you still want to get high?” He looks at me without judgement, so I nod. “Do something for me? Every time you do, lay down and I’ll distract you. But don’t ask me for more.”
“That’s not how it works.”
Ruby has made up an entire program for me to follow.
I can’t exactly walk into a therapist’s office, when I’d be locked up after recounting everything that’s happened.
I can’t trust they won’t be linked to my family in some way either, so the mere thought of having to sit opposite someone, navigating the paranoia of someone linked to my parents coming after us to protect their secrets won’t allow me to get peace.
The very profession I’d need to help me are colleagues of the people who fucked me up in the first place.
But Ruby has spent every waking moment studying different therapy techniques with her husband by her side, reading over her shoulder.
“We don’t do things the conventional way, koukla mou.” Kane kisses my temple. “Addiction is about the chemicals, so we’ll switch them. What’s more natural than making my wife come?”
“What do you need?”
“Control,” he says, meeting my eyes as the playfulness drops away.
“I’ll give you power over me if you can do the same,” I offer.
“Done. You’ve always had me.” Curling his fingers around my nape, he pulls me closer so we’re eye to eye as his voice drops. “Trust me, I want to fuck you, make you scream, feel how hard you come, watch your tears drip down your face…but I can’t.”
“Why?”
“If you give me control of you, pretty girl, it’s mine.
Not your body when I want to fuck you or choke you with my dick, but every part of you will belong to me.
If I tell you to eat, you do it. If I tell you to sit, you fucking sit.
And if you don’t, I’m going to hurt you for disobeying me.
Do you understand why I can’t have control of you? ”
“Not really,” I whisper, attempting to be better rather than lie like I usually would.
“I’m exactly fucking like them for wanting to do those things.”
Kane has always come across as intelligent. When we were younger, he’d get the best grades. His time examining everyone from outside made him understand social dynamics through a different lens. Now, he’s an idiot. Sitting up with my hands on his chest, I ask, “Do you want me to be in pain?”
“No.”
“Do you want to hurt me only if I want that too?”
“Yeah.”
“Give me an example of how you’d do it.”
He slowly rakes his pale green eyes down my body then back up to meet my eyes.
His voice is deeper, sending shivers up my spine as he says, “I want to push my dick in your tight ass while you squat, holding my knees so I can stretch your cunt. You’ll scream because you like the pain when I don’t prep you.
I’ll feel those screams vibrate through your body. ”
“If I told you right now I don’t like that anymore?”
“Then I wouldn’t do it.”
“But you’d still want to hurt me?”
“I would. I’d wrap my hand around this pretty little neck.” He loosely holds my throat. “Force you to your knees until those shiny jewels stream down your face while you choke.”
“You don’t want me to be in real pain. You want me to enjoy it. Don’t judge this, us, by other people’s standards when we’re trying to change the world to make sense for us.”
“I want to chase you again,” he groans, pulsing his fingers around my neck.
“You’ve always had a thing about being scared.
I swear you even smell different. The first time I put on the mask, you fell on the driveway.
It was so fucking hard not to push my face between your legs to taste you.
” He grips my throat tighter as his eyes darken. “Who did you prefer?”
“Ghost,” I answer without thought. “He made me feel seen. I wasn’t crazy or confused. I could breathe even though you were chasing me.”
“Who do you prefer now?”
“You.”
He abruptly bucks his hips, flipping me onto my back without letting go of my neck.
Resting his left elbow beside my head, he bites my bottom lip.
I moan at the sting coming from someone who isn’t doing it to amuse themselves with my pain.
He gives me pain because we both need it.
I want to be worthless, so there’s no reason for anyone to use me.
And he needs to feel powerful.
So we give each other what’s missing from every other aspect of our lives.
“I love you,” he whispers against my stinging lip. “I love you so fucking much I’ll kill you before I ever let you go. But I’ll follow you so our last breaths are taken at the same time.”
“Prove it,” I goad. “Show me all of you.”
“You’ve seen it all.”
“No, I haven’t. You’ve been hiding behind your hoodies.”
He stills but I don’t look away from him.
“Show me my husband,” I whisper against his jaw before softly pressing my lips to the spot. “You said I was your god. Obey me, prove your devotion.”
“You remember?”