Chapter 23
Lincoln
A two-day shift was both a blessing and a curse. There was a high about it, the knowing you had to be “on” that whole time. Figuring out the balance between being rested and being too energized to be useful. Sometimes, they dragged on, made endlessly long by the monotony—or worse, by the trauma.
Once upon a time, it was just a matter of throwing out the garbage and the few dishes I had messed up.
Now, each room offered some type of test, a new kind of obstacle course.
Jumping over piles of books, dodging sharp LEGO pieces, trying not to drop any of the stuffies stacked in my arms on the way.
As a reward for surviving my afternoon trials, I got to have Nutella or Fluff and call it a snack whenever Lou was around.
I wasn’t complaining—I loved it. Loved that everywhere I looked around my house, I saw evidence of my girls.
Sophie’s collection of coffee mugs. Lou’s toys and things scattered about the house.
We had her drawings and tests taped to the fridge.
Then there were the fluffy blankets that somehow multiplied and appeared in every room of the house.
They were just more reminders of how much my life had changed.
For years, there wasn’t room for anyone permanently.
I wouldn’t allow it. Mostly because of some poor decisions I’d made in my twenties that resulted in my caution.
A memory washed over me, playing out in front of my eyes as if no time had passed.
My parents, seated at our kitchen table, their faces stoic.
“Now that Lindsey and I are married, we’re ready to start our lives together. We can’t do that here.” Stubborn, full of piss and vinegar, I truly believed what I was saying at that time.
“What are your plans, son? What kind of future are you going to build for yourself?” Dad had asked, not giving away any emotion.
“We’re moving to LA. Lindsey has a friend we can crash with until we find our own place. I’ll figure out work while Linds goes to auditions,” I told them confidently, but I didn’t miss the wary look my parents gave each other.
“That’s a bit risky… Moving across the country with nowhere to live and no job lined up? Just make sure you find what you want and need, too. That your decisions aren’t solely made for Lindsey,” Mom said, and I remembered feeling annoyed. Why couldn’t they just support me?
“We’ll figure it out—together. I’m an adult. This is what we’re doing.” A beat passed, the room growing tense before my father finally spoke.
“We support you, Lincoln. Always will. We just want to make sure you really understand what you’re doing, especially if you insist on doing it so far from us. We love you and want what’s best. That’s all.”
They were right. Of course they were. It took us far too long to find an apartment that we still managed to overpay for. Part-time gigs made up my income as I did not have the luxury to turn anything down. I wasn’t doing anything I loved or wanted as a career. I wasn’t building anything for myself.
When my marriage ended, the hardest part wasn’t necessarily losing Lindsey; it was regretting my poor choices. I felt like I had to go home and start all over again. Thankfully, it was in a place I loved and with people who were important to me.
While my parents and siblings never gave me shit or even whispered an “I told you so” in my direction, I felt my regrets every time I was around them.
My own insecurities and poor decisions kept playing over in my head.
It had taken that long for me to feel myself again, working in a career I love, living in a home I had bought myself.
And I was finally ready to ask another to share my life completely.
Looking at the clock, I saw it was almost time for Lou to get home from school.
It turned out that my neighbor, Sandy, had two kids in the same school, so we now had a rotating carpool schedule.
Using the extra time, I decided to get some snacks together for Lou.
Like a bottomless pit, it was amazing how much food she could put away, but with the amount of energy she constantly had, the fuel was needed.
The front door sounded, and my back was turned. With surprising strength, the door slammed behind Lou, who stormed past me, head down and shoulders hunched.
“Hey, Lou. How was school?” I asked, unsure what to make of the situation.
“Fine. I want to go to my room,” she replied, already climbing the stairs at an Olympic speed.
Usually, she headed right for me. We spent the first hour in the kitchen eating and talking about her day before starting her homework.
This was new behavior. Not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing, I decided to finish her snack: a Nutella and Fluff sandwich.
It had zero nutritional value, but it was Lou’s favorite, and I wasn’t too proud to try bribery.
So I took my time to cut off the crusts and slice the sandwich into perfect triangles.
With Goldfish and a juice box on the side, I made my way upstairs with my bribe.
Awkwardly knocking on Lou’s door, I waited for a response that never came. Pushing it open with my shoulder, I found myself staring at her back as she sat at her desk, staring off into space.
“Hey, Lou. I brought you some snacks. How was your day?” I asked, softening my voice despite the fear rising through me.
“I’m not hungry,” she replied, not turning to look at me. Worried now, I left the plate on top of her dresser before approaching her again, carefully kneeling beside her.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt? You know you can talk to me, Lou,” I said, my concern bubbling over as I looked for answers.
“You don’t have to pretend, you know.” She finally turned to look at me, standing up. Her chin jutted out and she crossed her arms in a move that looked so much like her mother.
“Pretend to do what?” I was struggling to figure out what was wrong or what had made her so upset.
“That you like me. I know you’re just pretending so you can marry Mommy. Then, when you have a new baby, you won’t want me around anymore,” she told me, her eyes getting watery despite the anger in her tone.
“What?” Not the most eloquent response, but I was so taken aback, I didn’t even know what to do with that.
“Don’t pretend! Don’t lie!” Lou was shouting now.
I had never seen her like that. “You’re just like Daddy and Nat.
” Tears were streaming down her face, and it broke my heart.
More than anything, I needed to grab her and hold her close to me, but I didn’t want to scare her.
This was so important; a conversation that was a long time coming, but I hated that it was brought to the surface this way.
“Lou, baby girl. Can you look at me for a second?” I asked, my hands clenched at my sides as I watched her wipe tears off her face.
“Fine,” she said, staring at me defiantly.
“I love your mom. You know that, right?” She nodded, her lips quivering as she fought back tears.
“Do you know that I love you too?” I asked, and she shook her head negatively.
“I love you very much, Eloise Marie. Not because of your mom, but because of everything that makes you … you. If you weren’t here, who would beat me at all the board games?
Who would build forts tall enough so I could fit?
What am I supposed to do when your mom makes meatloaf?
Without you helping me hide it, I’d have to tell her how awful it really is.
And snack time? It’s my favorite part of the day.
I would really miss that time with you,” I told her, my heart in my eyes.
Thankfully, I was greeted by a curious glance before Lou turned her gaze back to her feet.
“But when you get married, you won’t want me anymore.
” My chest seized with the pain of my heart breaking.
Gently reaching for Lou, I was grateful when she didn’t push me away and instead allowed me to pull her into a hug.
She wiped her nose on my shirt as she continued to cry.
Her tears and snot seeping into the tee I wore felt like a minor victory.
She was letting me comfort her. Despite everything, she wasn’t pushing me away.
I hugged her tightly, cursing whoever had caused her to feel that way.
“Lulubear, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
If I marry your mom, that means you get to be my daughter.
Do you understand what a gift that is? I know you have your dad, and I don’t want to take his place.
But I’m hoping, if you’ll let me, that we can be a family for the rest of time,” I told her.
The words were honest, even if they weren’t the smoothest.
“You want me?” She sniffled, pulling her head back from my shoulder.
“Always, Lou. You’re my best friend, and I love you. Never think otherwise,” I told her as she slowly stopped crying.
“Is that Nutella?” she asked, peeking out from my arms to look at the plate I’d left on her dresser.
“Yep. You hungry, Squirt?” I asked, happy to see her eyes were finally dry. She nodded against me, remaining in my arms for a few extra beats.
“Then let’s get you fed.” I brought the plate over and sat back down on the floor, watching Lou eat as she slowly started chatting about her day, her mood getting back to normal.
A delicate peace settled between us as I quizzed Lou on her spelling. She was getting through her worksheet when my phone buzzed with a text.
Mason: Need to talk - when can I come by?
Frowning, I typed a quick reply.
Linc: Once Lou is in bed. Nine-ish.
I wanted to ask more, find out who told her that. Was it Max? His mother? When would they have seen her? But I knew the conversation we’d just had was big, and I wasn’t ready to break the fragile peace we had found in the aftermath.
Enough was enough. It was time to rally the troops.
I wasn’t about to let anyone take the beautiful life we were building and tarnish it.
No one was gonna fuck with my family. No one was gonna put doubt in my kid’s mind that she is wanted.
Lou would never doubt us, and I was ready to go into battle to prove it.
As much as I thought I was hiding my emotions, Sophie could tell something was off as soon as she got home.
She came in, kissing Lou on the top of her head before pausing.
Looking between Lou and me, a questioning expression crossed Sophie’s face.
I tried to shake my head subtly, the tic in her jaw telling me she understood.
Dinner was fine—a bit tense, but Lou seemed far more relaxed than earlier.
When it was time for bed, I left Sophie to it, wanting her girl to have one-on-one time with her as much as possible.
I could only imagine how big of an adjustment it must be on her, having me take up her mom’s time and attention.
I didn’t blame her for having doubts or fears.
I just wanted to know how I could best ease her worries.
Sometime later, once dishes were done and leftovers were put away, Sophie made her way back downstairs. Pouring her a glass of wine, I made my way over to the living room to join her on the couch.
“So, what did I miss?” she asked, one eyebrow raised in what she thought was an intimidating look as she gently took the glass from my hand.
“Well, I don’t really know what to call it? Lou got home from school and was acting weird,” I told her. She took a sip of her wine before waving her hand in my face.
“Weird how? Go on…” She urged, and I had to stifle a laugh at her ferocity.
“She didn’t say hi, didn’t stop in the kitchen for snack time. Just stormed upstairs.” Sophie’s eyes widened at that before looking at me. I hurried to continue before she could scold me.
“I finished making her snack and went upstairs. She was clearly upset at that point, and basically…Well—”
“Linc! Spit it out. I’m growing old over here.” She gasped, exasperated.
“She said I should ‘stop pretending to like her.’ That I was just doing it so I could marry you, and once we had a baby of our own, we wouldn’t want her.” Sophie blanched, and I hated that I even had to tell her about this.
“‘Just like Daddy and Nat,’ she said. I don’t know who told her this. I wanted to ask, but I was just happy she was talking to me, at that point,” I told Sophie honestly. She reached out, cupping my cheek until I looked her in the eye.
“It sounds like you handled it perfectly. When she’s ready, she’ll tell us what brought this on. What matters is that you were here, and you didn’t leave when she tried to push you away.” A knock at the door broke up the conversation, and I cursed.
“Mason said he had to talk to us. I forgot to tell you he was gonna swing by.” Sophie waved a hand as if brushing it away before getting up after me.
As I made my way to the front door, she went to the kitchen to refill our glasses.
Mason’s silhouette cut an impressive form in the windowpanes of my front door.
Letting him in, he wiped his boots off before looking up. His expression was stoic. Not unusual for Mason, but still a bit unsettling.
“Hey, Mase. Thanks for coming by,” I told him. He nodded in agreement before walking slowly down the hall.
“Hi, Mason. You want something to drink? I have the beer you like?” Sophie offered from the kitchen. As if frozen on stage, Mason looked between the two of us before taking a deep breath.
“Why don’t we go into the living room… You guys are gonna want to sit down for this.”
What now?
I’d just had that heart-to-heart with Lou and gotten those questions settled. Do I not get a minute to deal with that? What fresh hell is on the horizon for us next?