Chapter Twenty
Ipush the pancake around in the syrup with my fork. Moments from the night before flit through my mind. It’s like I need to keep living them over again so they’re etched in my memory forever.
I learned that Jonathan found the field when he visited it with his dad to scout the land with a developer.
And since the abandoned farmland is so far away from anything, he thought it would not only provide privacy, but allow us to view the stars.
And they were incredible… once we finally focused on them and not each other.
My hair was an orbit of static electricity from the blankets, sticking to everything, including Jonathan. It was ridiculous.
It was a night of firsts even though we never took off anything other than our jackets.
We finally declared our feelings for each other.
Feelings planted years ago that have grown so big, they’re impossible to contain any longer.
Now everyone who looks at us can see it.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s not so breakable.
Jonathan’s foot brushes mine under the table. I look up at him. He has this tantalizing grin on his face that ignites my cheeks.
“What’s happening right now?”
I turn my attention to Collin. His eyes dart between me and Jonathan.
“Oh. We’re in the gooey phase, aren’t we?”
Jonathan raises his brows.
“What does that even mean?” I ask. “And how do you know anything about phases of anything?”
“I know things.” He sticks out his chest in exaggerated bravado. “I’ve been there. In that everything you do is cute and adorable, and I want to lick that syrup off your face phase.”
Ew.
“With who?” Jonathan and I ask at the same time.
“I’m in the I’d rather not talk about it phase,” Collin explains dismissively.
I narrow my eyes. How did I not know he was going through any phases?
We’re supposed to tell each other everything.
“I hope you two get over this phase soon, although the next one is the can’t keep our hands off each other phase, so I’m not exactly looking forward to it either.
Can you just skip to the we’re so good together, we can read each other’s mind phase? ”
I wish. I glance at Jonathan. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to that phase. He smirks back, his eyes never leaving mine, making me feel like I’m an open book.
You forgot these in my truck,” Jonathan says while we’re putting our jackets on to leave. He pulls my gloves out of his pocket and offers them to me.
“They must have fallen out of my coat when…” I meet his eyes, and we grin at each other. Collin groans. “Thanks.”
He leans in and kisses me softly but takes his time pulling away. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says against my lips.
“Hmm,” is what comes out. A purr of a sound. My eyes remain closed for a second after he’s abandoned my mouth, trying to hold on to the feel of him for just an inhale longer.
When we return to school, it only intensifies. Lingering touches. Stolen kisses in empty classrooms. A connection across the hall, each of us reluctant to look away first.
Everything about him stays with me, even after we’ve parted.
I feel like I float on the dance floor in rehearsals.
Glide through the day. Like I’m daydreaming and don’t want anything to disturb it.
I wear this ghost of a smile on my face, replaying every time we touched or spoke or even brushed against the other.
“What happened between you two?” Collin asks on the phone Tuesday night. “It’s more than gooey. And the can’t keep your hands off each other phase is… weird. It’s like you’re both hypnotized or something. Did you have sex?”
“What?! Collin!” I burst out, sitting upright on my bed. “Would I tell you if we had?”
“You would,” Collin says. “And you obviously haven’t because, somehow, I offended you just by asking. So, what is it? What happened?”
“We admitted we love each other,” I tell him, my mouth stretching into a dreamy smile. I sigh.
“Oh,” he replies flatly. “I don’t know that phase. But it makes sense now. How weird you’re both being.”
“We’re not being weird,” I defend weakly. “We’re just… finally being honest.”
“Finally.” I can hear the eye roll in his voice.
“Who was this girl? And when did you date her? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.
” I’ve been wanting to ask him about it since Sunday, but we haven’t had a moment to talk until now.
He and Jonathan have been working for Hal after school, preparing a new job site.
And at school, he’s been distant. Maybe wanting to give me and Jonathan space?
“Someone from another school. No one you know. And it was just a summer thing.” He sounds bored, trying to keep me from asking the million questions I’m bursting to know the answers to. Not gonna happen.
“Last summer? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It didn’t last long. And it was during the time you and Jonathan were having your secret make-out sessions, before you told me. So, I guess we were both hiding something from each other.”
“But I eventually said something.” I still feel guilty for keeping it a secret for the two months that I did. I guess I didn’t want to screw up our friendship if ours was just a summer thing too.
“Mine was over before it began, really,” Collin says quietly. “Anyway, when’s your next ballet show? I have the best idea for your bracelet.”
Reluctantly, I let him change the subject.
If he doesn’t want to tell me who he was seeing last summer, then I can’t make him.
It sounds like he’s still not ready to share.
It sounds like whoever it was hurt him. And that hurts my heart.
Collin deserves to feel all the phases, especially the one that makes him feel loved.
What are you going to do about Danika?” Jaz asks at Just’s after school on Wednesday. We always have a half day before Thanksgiving, and Just’s is packed with Hollis students from middle school to high school. It’s so loud, I can barely hear her question.
“They got into another fight at the party after the dance last weekend. She threw a glass at him. Almost hit him in the head with it,” Darcy tells me. “He carried her out, kicking and screaming.”
She’s looking behind me. I turn to find Sean, Livvy and a couple others squeezed into a booth two tables down from ours, along with Danika and Oren. She’s feeding him a fry. He has a couple scratches on his neck and cheek. I turn, not wanting to see more.
“It was a show.” Jaz shakes her head.
My stomach bottoms out. I need a minute to let this settle.
“Were you able to talk to her?” I ask.
“She’s avoiding all of us.” Jaz glances behind me again before refocusing on her fries, dipping one in barbecue sauce.
“Except Livvy.” Darcy rests her head on Jaz’s shoulder. “I don’t understand Livvy.”
“Neither do I,” I tell her. “I keep feeling like she wants something out of this, but I don’t know what. I thought she might have a thing for Oren. I mean, they’ve always been friends, right?”
“I wondered that too. But, yeah, they’re just friends,” Jaz says. “I don’t trust her though.”
I sigh, sipping on my shake. “I miss her.”
“Livvy?” Darcy asks, confused.
“Danika,” I say with a small laugh. “She doesn’t even look at me when we’re at dance. It’s so weird, being in the same room as her and she’s not really there. More than anything, I’m worried about her.”
“So, what do we do?” Darcy’s brows are pinched in concern, and her lip juts out in a subtle pout. With her freckles and big hazel eyes, she looks like an adorable doll.
“I asked my peer-mentor advisor about it… hypothetically. She said I should be there for her. To support her as my friend even if I can’t support the relationship.
And if I can, offer ways for her to find help.
But it needs to be her decision.” She also gave me brochures for when she’s ready.
Except I’m worried when that’ll be. The last time a relationship took over her life like this, she ended up hospitalized.
A burst of laughter cuts through the buzz of voices. I know that laugh. I miss it. Except the real version of it. This version is too loud. Too forced. Too fake.
“I don’t know how to even be around them,” I confess. “How am I supposed to be supportive?”
“Maybe try to talk to her alone, after dance or something,” Jaz advises.
“I’ll try.” It’s all I can do, right? I keep feeling like I need to fight for my friend. I can’t continue to be a silent spectator to their toxicity—even though I’m an avid conflict avoider. My churning stomach agrees. Before she ends up in a hospital again.
“Tell us about you and—”
“Your luuuv,” Darcy finishes in a singsong voice with googly eyes.
My lips twist together, fighting the smile. I throw French fries at them both when they laugh at me.
Ididn’t realize this thing between you and Jonathan was so serious,” my father says while we dry the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.
We spent the morning delivering meals to families.
And the afternoon eating with a table full of relatives who we only see once or twice a year from both sides of the family.
Except for my brother, who was notably absent.
They’ve all gone now. My mother’s at a movie with her sisters—a tradition of theirs. Magda is with her family in Jersey. It’s just me and my dad, cleaning up.
“It is,” I say, not knowing where he’s going with this. And I don’t want to find out, so I redirect the questioning. “I didn’t know you and his mother dated. Or that you and his dad were best friends. Seems like something you might’ve mentioned… once or twice.”
“It was so long ago. I guess I didn’t think it was relevant,” he sidesteps. “We’re not the same people anymore.”
“What were you like then?” I ask, genuinely curious. He hands me a platter to dry while he leans his back against the sink, toweling a wineglass.
“Well… I guess I was just the typical, clueless teenage boy.” He releases an uncomfortable chuckle.
“Who was best friends with Hal Reeves. You’ve always compared him to Jonathan. Were they really that much alike? Did you get into fights too? Were you a troublemaker, Dad?” I tease, but not really. I want to understand why he’s always comparing Jonathan to his father.
“His temper is why we stopped being friends,” my dad says with a note of remorse, deflating my teasing into something serious.
“Hal and I were closest in middle school, and, yeah, we did get into some trouble.
Nothing serious. Setting off fireworks. Trespassing on abandoned lots.
Nothing that involved the courts or anything. Just dumb stuff.
“I went to Norton Academy, like your brother. It’s where I met Samantha. She’s from Wentworth.”
My eyes widen in surprise.
“Yeah. She’s from a wealthy family and planned to attend USC.”
“Then why’d she stay in Hollis?” I don’t understand.
“For Hal. They met when she and I were still dating. The three of us used to do a lot together. But he had a short fuse and an explosive temper. And as many times as I tried to talk him down or get him out of the situation, he chose violence every time. I couldn’t be friends with a guy like that.
The last straw was the summer before our junior year, when he shoved some guy off the cliffs because he didn’t like the way he was looking at Sam.
The guy hit his head and nearly drowned. I had to jump in after him.”
I stare at my father in shock.
“Sam thought we could help him. She didn’t understand why I gave up on him so easily.
I knew they still talked, even when he and I didn’t.
But I couldn’t get pulled in by him anymore.
It was probably the only thing Sam and I ever argued about, and it changed us.
We agreed to end our relationship halfway through our senior year.
It would’ve happened eventually. We both knew long distance wasn’t going to work with me in Rhode Island and her in California. Except…”
“She didn’t go.”
He shakes his head. “She chose him. Changed the trajectory of her entire future to stay in Hollis with Hal. Her family revoked her trust fund. They were so upset with her; they stopped talking to her. She didn’t have anything or anyone.
Just him. I didn’t know until I returned home after my first semester and found out they were engaged. ”
“Wow.” This sounds like a book I’d read, not true life.
“Yeah. So, you won’t be surprised when I ask you to not follow Jonathan to college, right?
” We stare at each other. He gives me a sympathetic smile.
“I like him. I do. He’s not exactly like his father.
But he is still… a Reeves. He seems to always be pulled in by something, whether he starts it or not.
I’m asking you not to stay in this relationship past graduation.
Discover who you are. Figure out what you want for your life. Don’t allow his to become yours.”
“It won’t.” And I mean it. But I’m not promising anything else except that I’ll make the decision that I believe is best for me, and that may still include Jonathan. “Would you disown me if I stayed with him?”
It’s my dad’s turn to look shocked. “No. Of course not.” He sets his hand on top of mine on the counter. “I love you. There’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.”
He opens his arms, and I let my dad hug me. He kisses the top of my head. “Be smart, okay? Make sure that whatever you decide, you can still look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself looking back.”
“I will.” I pull away. “I’m going to my room, okay?”
I need to process this, and I can’t do that in front of him. Their situation is nothing like ours. This isn’t history repeating. At least, that’s what I’m trying to convince myself. Jonathan isn’t his father. And my family is too important to me to cause a rift.
Before I’m out of sight, my dad calls, “Sadie?” I turn. “Drive yourself to their house on Saturday.”
I give him a curious look.
“I want you to be able to leave whenever you want. If you feel uncomfortable at all, come home. Listen to your gut. Don’t second-guess it.”
I’m still confused. “What do you think might happen? Do you still not trust Hal?”
He takes a breath before answering, “I trust you.”
“What are you saying, Dad?” I study his face, but he’s too guarded.
“I admit I don’t know him anymore. Hal garners a lot of respect professionally.
He’s created a reputable business over the years with Samantha.
But I do know that Jonathan and Hal don’t always get along.
And the last thing I want is for you to get in the middle of their issues.
You aren’t responsible for their relationship.
Leave if you’re uncomfortable. You won’t change things by staying. ”