Chapter Twenty-Seven
I am shattered. A million jagged shards. With every word he spoke, the fractures spread, splintering deeper. I was always worried we were breakable. I never thought I’d be the one to send us crashing to the ground.
I broke us.
“Sadie?” Collin calls to me through what sounds like a train tunnel. “Sadie. Look at me. You’re freaking me out.”
I broke us.
I blink, bringing Collin into focus. I’m sitting on the passenger seat of the Charger inside the garage. Collin is crouched beside me. I don’t know how I got here. Or when it got dark outside.
“Are you back?”
I nod.
“That kinda sucked, huh?”
I nod again.
“What did I do?” I cover my face with my hands. “What. Did. I Do?”
I broke us.
Collin takes my hands from my face and holds them between his. “He’s… vulnerable right now. He just dumped a ton of shit on us all at once, and instead of sticking around to talk it out, he left.”
“On us?” I’m confused. I thought Jonathan was yelling at me.
“He never told me about his dad either. Not about that.” Collin releases a slow breath. “You were right. I’m sorry. I didn’t look close enough.”
“Because we wanted to believe him,” I say in our defense. “Every time he told us it was an accident. Or a fight. Or from football.”
“I think I knew better, really. If I think about it, I saw enough to put it all together, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to.”
“What do we do now? Should we go find him?” There’s a frenetic flutter in my stomach, an anxiety that’s overtaking me. I can’t stay idle and let him walk away from me. Not this time.
“First”—he hands me my phone—“you need to call your mom before she sends the police out searching for you. She’s called at least five times.”
“What time is it?” I open my phone. “I need to go. We’re supposed to be at the tree lighting in an hour.” Then I remember the plan for tonight. “You’re coming with me, right?”
“I guess. I mean, I’m not posing for pictures with the mayor, like you probably are, but I’ll come so we can go to the bonfire after.”
“Where do you think he went?” I’m calculating the night. How much time do I have to spend at the tree? To get Danika? When all I want to do is find Jonathan and fix us.
“If he’s not at my house, then he’s probably with Briar. Or one of the other guys from the swim team. They have a meet tomorrow.”
“They do?” I used to know Jonathan’s entire swim schedule by heart. “How is he going to…” I think of the bruises. How much he must hurt. But I consider all of the other times he’s been injured in some way, probably more than I knew, and he never missed a meet.
“He has one of those full-body suits. No one will know.”
That’s not what I was thinking about, but that’s true too.
“I can’t believe his father did that to him. Has been doing that to him.” I feel sick.
My phone rings. I jump to my feet, nearly sending Collin onto his butt. “C’mon,” I say to Collin, rushing out of the garage as I answer the phone with trembling hands. Adrenaline. Panic. Fear. All of the above.
“Where have you been?”
“I’m on my way. I couldn’t find my phone. Collin had to help me. So he’s with me. I’ll be right there.” My words are a rush as I move on autopilot out of the garage. I don’t remember being able to lie so easily. I usually have to strategize and end up overthinking it.
“Your outfit is hanging in your bathroom. We may have to meet you there. Be quick, Sadie. This is an important night for your dad.”
“I know.” Add lying daughter to my growing list of failures. “I’m not far.”
Ilook like a life-sized doll in this white-fur-trimmed, red velvet coat.
I feel as plastic as one, too, with my perma-smile.
I even have a white fur muff for my hands.
I didn’t even know they existed outside of 1940.
And… it’s snowing. Making everything look pretty and glistening with the lights dancing off the ice crystal flakes.
It will probably go down as one of the best tree lightings for everyone in town, except for me.
And Collin. And Jonathan. And Danika. And… well, Oren if I’m being thoughtful.
Fuck Oren. He deserves to be miserable.
But do I really mean that?
Truthfully, I wish he’d figure out what makes him take his anger out on my best friend. Same with Jonathan. And his dad.
Seriously. Why do people hurt each other? Why is anger so hard to stop from overtaking the people I love?
The violence. The loathing.
It feels impossible to stop a cycle built purely on inertia—like trying to hold back a storm, only to be shattered in its wake.
My father’s spent his life trying to calm the maelstrom, and Jonathan’s still in harm’s way.
“Sadie? What are you doing?” Collin asks from somewhere. “You look like a lunatic, standing there, smiling, staring at the tree.”
I snap out of it. “We’re done?”
“Yeah. They walked away to talk to half the town a while ago. Where were you?”
“How much rage has to build up inside before you punch someone?” I ask, studying him like I can pluck the answer from his mind.
“That’s where you went with that Barbie smile on your face? That’s disturbing.”
“It’s what I do.” I roll my eyes, not about to explain my clutch purse analogy to him. “Tell me. I want to understand what makes guys need to hurt someone.”
Collin shrugs. “Honestly, I have no idea. Whenever I get involved, it’s to stop it.”
“You fight to make people stop fighting?” That makes no sense at all. Maybe that’s the problem. Guys don’t make sense, and they think they do.
“I pull them apart and sometimes have to get a little punchy to do that.”
I shake my head. Still stupid. Maybe I’m naive, but I can’t imagine choosing violence.
“Did you find him?” I’ve tucked my emotions away inside the clutch purse, concealing the tremors and heart palpitations. Doesn’t mean I’m not freaking out. I’m just determined to hide it.
Collin’s been calling and texting everyone he can think of since we left the garage in attempt to find Jonathan. “Not yet.”
I check the clock on the church steeple. “Let’s go to the bonfire. Danika should be there by now. We’ll get her and then find Jonathan.”
We veer down the side streets to the bike path that leads to the lake. It’s not far, but with the snow picking up pace and these ridiculous heeled boots, I can’t walk as fast as I want.
“It’s finally snowing.” Collin says this like it’s a good thing. “We usually have two feet by now. Took long enough.”
I look at him like he’s crazy, but don’t comment. I know he’s trying to distract me because my disdain for winter isn’t a conversation we need to have again. We’ve had it every year.
He waits, expecting me to say something. When I don’t, he takes my hand instead. “We’ll find him.”
We follow others from town heading to the lake. Families with ice skates. Other teens with thermoses of either hot chocolate or alcohol. Or maybe both.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. “Hi, Mom.”
“Did you leave for the lake? I didn’t see you go. Who are you with?”
“I’m with Collin. We’re almost there.”
“An hour, okay? The snow is intensifying, and I don’t want you driving in it. And if Collin’s still with you when you leave, tell him to stay the night.”
“Sure,” I reply. Hoping we won’t be here that long. The thought of going home without finding Jonathan has me blinking back tears.
“And, Sadie,” she says before I can end the call.
“Yeah?”
“Please… be careful.”
I feel the weight of her words beyond just being safe.
This is about the controversy I’ve brought into the house.
I overheard my parents talking when I went downstairs for something to drink last night.
My mother’s concern about how Jonathan’s arrest may affect Dad’s campaign.
Even though he assured her it wouldn’t. That the Reeves situation won’t come back to him.
Until Mom asked, “Even if our daughter is in the middle of it?”
Dad promised, “She isn’t. They’re over.”
I didn’t stick around to hear more.
Why is everyone determining the end of my relationship?
Even after everything shattered earlier today and how horrible it was, I don’t want to believe it’s over.
“You’re here!” Danika exclaims, wrapping me in a hug before we’re anywhere near the bonfire. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“Are you okay?” I ask, studying her with concern. This feels off. She’s wearing a plastic smile worse than mine.
She meets my eyes, blinking like she’s trying to transmit Morse code. “Not really.” She glances at Collin with a manic smile. “Hey, Collin. It’s about to get super awkward, and I want to prepare you guys.”
“Danika! What are you doing?” Oren calls from a distance.
She turns around, and as soon as she does, I know why she’s acting so strange, beyond the fact that she’s about to break things off with Oren.
Collin swears under his breath. “This is why he didn’t respond to any of my calls. Because he knew I’d tell him this was a stupid idea.”
Collin and I follow Danika, who announces, “Look who I found!”
Jonathan’s sitting on a log bench with Livvy between him and Oren.
Livvy laughs when she sees us, a lollipop twirling between her fingers.
Jonathan raises his head, then redirects his focus to the fire.
Livvy bumps his shoulder with her own and gives him a wink.
He gives her the slightest smile in return.
“What the fuck?” Collin mutters. I can’t move. My stomach is as icy as the lake. He won’t meet my eyes even though I haven’t taken mine off of him. Jonathan’s still, a vacant stare reflecting the flames.
“Want some hot chocolate?” Danika offers, pulling a large silver thermos from a bag. I force myself to disconnect and shake my head. Danika’s manic energy nearly knocks me over. “Here, we brought blankets. This is the last one. You’ll have to share.”
I take it from her with numb hands, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the group. My entire body is numb—nothing to do with the temperature. There’s an empty log across the fire from Jonathan, and I take a seat. I think I’m in shock.