5. MAGDALEN
5
MAGDALEN
‘ Ah, Eccola qui! La regina stessa ! ’ Here she is, the queen hersel f !
I enter the kitchen, bracing myself for our neighbours from down the street or the vegetable vendor from the piazza with some homegrown cime di rapa .
I stand by the doorway. The kitchen is crowded with people, my mom sits at the table, chopping away, with Dante and Jo sitting around her. In the corner is my dad, who nurses a glass of grappa , and sitting on the counter is Anika. She is all I see.
‘Anika!’ I yelp, never expecting to see my sister, unrelated by blood but tethered by soul, sitting in my kitchen.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were coming over?’
‘It was supposed to be a surprise! I thought you were sleeping, I never would have come now.’ She wipes her forehead with the back of her hand. ‘I was supposed to change and look better than you!’
‘You idiot, you look perfect!’ I hug her tight, the warmth and nostalgic perfume making me realize just how much I had needed to come home.
‘You look skinny, non sembra magra ?’ She squeezes my hips and I giggle, despite the pang of insecurity at her observation. I make a mental note to introduce Emily and Anika. It seems I am a beacon for the loud and confident – they need someone next to them, to absorb their excess so they don’t drown in it themselves. I breathe deep, a tremor of anxiety surfacing as I take in the fact that I am the empty vessel in this scenario.
‘It was finals, I was stressed!’ I get out, hoping it’s enough to stop everyone examining me. My dad’s eyes flicker to my ankles and I subconsciously press the pad of my foot over the clear outline of my bones.
‘ Lo fa, le ho detto che Oxford era troppo stressante per lei .’ You see, I told her Oxford was too stressful for her , Dante chimes in, the cherub older brother who didn’t see the point in university.
Anika winks and rubs my shoulders, trying to suppress her laughter. ‘You see, perché non hai ascoltato Dante? ’ Why did you not listen to Dante? She tsks mockingly while patting my head, as if making sure I’m really here.
‘Alright, I’m skinny and stupid now, va bene ?’ I roll my eyes and grab an apple. ‘Are you all happy?’
The chatter continues and Anika and I look at each other from across the kitchen, silently agreeing to sneak outside to talk. Our secret code, mastered from years of escaping weekly family dinners. It is an indistinguishable blink of the eye, a short breath in, a tap of the foot. We’ve had twelve years of practice, and by now it’s become a science. I toss my apple in the bin and Anika fills her glass with more wine and we exit through the back door; the chatter doesn’t falter.
‘I can’t believe you’re home. It feels like years since I’ve seen you,’ Anika’s Scottish accent is undetectable compared to the rest of her family. The Sinclairs are treasured in Chivasso, half Scottish, half Italian; they’re the first outsiders to have ever stepped foot in this sleepy town and are protected by the old townsfolk down in the piazza . When they came here, they changed everything. Dexter Sinclair became co-director of the Museo Egizio with my father in Torino, transforming it from a museum you go to on a rainy day to an epicentre of tourism. Foreigners began to flood the city just to see the exhibits that Dexter assembled. My papa never had the knack for marketing, too busy stuck in history.
I stare at the moving pattern of leaves the afternoon shadow has created and breathe in. ‘I didn’t think I would come home, to be honest.’
‘Do I repel everyone?’ Anika groans. ‘First Theo and then you. This last year has been fucking torture.’
‘My poor Anika.’ I squeeze her knee and lean my head against her shoulder. ‘You’re the one who brought us back, babycakes.’
‘Oh jeez, thanks. Only took Theo seven fucking years to miss me.’
‘But only a year for me! Does that mean you love me more than your brother?’
Anika laughs, leaning her head against mine so we’re stacked on top of one another. ‘You’re telling me you’re not even a little excited for Lucia’s big day?’
I sigh, considering her question. ‘No, no, I am. Her and I haven’t ever been that close, you know? It’s not like you and Theo.’
‘Lucia loves you, Maggie. Surely you know that she’d be fucking devastated if you didn’t come.’
It’s easier to talk this way, head to head. ‘Of course, of course.’ I rush to change the subject: ‘Anyway, enough about me. How’s everyone here?’
‘Everyone’s fine. My parents are always at the museum so they’re never home, and I am still a disappointment, so really nothing has changed since you lived here!’
She takes a sip of her wine and then sighs. ‘And as much as I love to have you here, you were supposed to be in Peru.’ She lifts her head from mine, nudging me in the rib with her elbow. So much for the change of subject.
‘It’s Lucia’s big day. I already didn’t make the cut being maid of honour for my own sister, the least I could do is show up. Machu Picchu will still be there next summer.’
‘And maybe next time, you can invite me to meet this Emily girl.’
‘You hate planes! Last time I checked, you only do trains.’
‘Ugh, can you stop remembering everything I say! Your brain is freaky.’
It’s my turn to lift my head. ‘Because I remember that my best friend doesn’t like flying?’
‘You called me your best friend.’ Anika takes another gulp of her wine and wraps her arms around me tightly. ‘I missed you so much, freak,’ she whispers.
‘I promise you, I missed you so much more.’ I squeeze her back, feeling safe in her embrace. ‘I was homesick.’
‘Homesick?’ Anika detaches herself to look at me. ‘You decide to go to university in England and then decide you get homesick? Madonna , you could’ve stayed here with me and Dante! It’s not too late! Don’t go back!’
‘If those are my two options, I’ll go right back to England,’ I laugh. Dante, unlike Anika, is not good company for an extended amount of time. He and I were never close growing up. I think my shyness made him uncomfortable, and eventually he started hanging more around the Sinclairs’ house than ours once Jo and Lucia left.
‘Oh, fuck off.’ She shakes her head. ‘You’ve always been too smart for your own good, you and Theo both.’
She pauses, looking up at the coming twilight, and huffs out, ‘What the fuck happened to me? I put salt in my coffee yesterday, that’s what I did. Fucking salt! Jesus, the gene pool in this fucking family is rigged. So unfair.’
I try to stifle my laughter but it comes out as a snort, and Anika whips around to slap me on the shoulder.
‘Oh, fuck you then!’ She stands up and begins to pace, taking progressively larger sips of her wine between each aggression. ‘Fuck Theo, fuck my parents and, for the hell of it, fuck your parents too! Without you around I might as well run away and join a convent. You know how insufferable Dante is? I can’t do this any more. He made me shave his back last weekend, Maggie.’
She continues but my own laughter deafens her ramble. Finally, she joins too, and I’ve fallen off the bench with one hand on my stomach and the other stretched above my head, fingering the cool grass. Listening to my heartbeat, I take a deep breath in and stretch, feeling a deep, sedated calm wash over me. The wooden gate behind me opens, but we don’t hear it until soft footsteps begin to come up the gravel driveway.