32. THEO
32
THEO
‘How long does she take to change?’
I tap my foot nervously on the tile. But what I really want to do is storm into the study. Close the door. Drop to my knees and beg. Please don’t let this be for a date. I’m sorry I’m being so rude, but I know it’ll be better if I am. Just don’t go on a date. Go to the cinema, with Anika. Dressed nicely in her second-hand shirt. I’ll sneak in halfway through and sit in the row behind you to watch you watch the film. I promise I won’t speak. I just want to see you in the glow of the screen.
‘Anika.’ Magdalen’s voice is calm but firm as she calls out to my sister.
The little devil snorts beside me. ‘Yes, your majesty?’ Her foot taps excitedly against the tiles, meaning she has meddled.
‘I’m sorry, did you get rid of the clothes I added? Why are these shirts for infants, Anika?’ Magdalen’s voice is muffled, and I almost picture what she looks like trying on clothes. Almost.
‘Oh please, you weigh like, as much as a loaf of bread. Come out, I’m bored.’
‘You are a whore!’ Magdalen groans, and I almost smile but then remember why I’m here in the first place.
Magdalen’s footsteps are silent, so when I look up and see her standing underneath the archway, I’m startled.
‘ Phantasma ,’ I say under my breath, but Magdalen’s eyes narrow on me like I just called her a cunt. Obviously, she’s still upset.
‘Oh, fuck yeah.’ Anika circles Magdalen twice before grabbing her jeans and shimming them lower on her body. ‘And just a little... oh yeah, perfect. Now, one more thing. Gorgeous. I’m wet for you, baby.’
‘Disgusting,’ Magdalen says with false revulsion, but she tips her head back in laughter, exposing the delicate skin of her neck. I see her throat swallow, and it’s so hot that I have to grab the chair to keep myself from getting up.
‘Honestly don’t know why Theo’s even here. I’m so good!’ Anika steps aside from Magdalen, and I try to think of something to say.
She’s wearing dark, low-rise jeans, slightly below her belly button. My mouth goes dry. Focused on how her stomach looks when she breathes in. She has on a white T-shirt with a small pink cross in the middle of the stitching at the collar. Cropped. More stomach. More breathing. Fucking hell. She’s not wearing a bra again, the curves of her chest inescapable. To avoid gawking, I try to find a distraction. A crucifix hangs on the wall above the stove. My mother brought it home from an excavation in Miglionico before I was born. I can see the dust on his head from years of neglect. Magdalen has now slipped on Anika’s little heels, making her look impossibly tall. I drag my hand across my mouth to stop looking.
‘Up or down?’
‘Excuse me?’
Anika rolls her eyes. ‘Her hair. Up or down.’
If she wears it down, he could wrap his hands around her ponytail and tug her towards him for a kiss. I’ve done it before. I would do it now, if I could. If she wears it up, he’ll get to see that pretty little neck.
‘I don’t know. Or really care, if I’m being honest.’ Before I finish the sentence, I know I’ve made a mistake. Magdalen blinks at me for several seconds and then looks down.
‘Sorry, I just mean—’
But she interrupts me before I can apologize.
‘I’m sorry Anika made you endure these five terrible minutes. I can promise you, it won’t ever happen again.’ She musters a weak laugh and turns towards the stairs. ‘Anika, is your makeup in the bathroom upstairs?’
Anika looks at me for too long. I can feel her disappointment, anticipating what she’ll say.
‘Yeah,’ she yells to Magdalen, who’s halfway up the stairs, but keeps her eyes trained on me. ‘You need a belt. There’s one hanging behind my door.’
Asshole. But she speaks slowly. Desperately. ‘What the fuck happened to you?’
‘I told you I didn—’
‘I let you leave, didn’t I? I mean I’m the one that let you go. I told you that if you didn’t, he’d kill you. That you’d kill him. You’d kill each other.’ She pulls out one of the chairs that rests under the island and clumsily sits down. ‘I put the application in your fucking hand, and I sat with you when you cried. I dragged you to the post office. When they said congratulations, welcome to Yale, I stole his credit card and bought you that fucking plane ticket and told you to run. I stayed up with you the night before. I put your favourite pillowcase and the fountain pen with extra ink cartridges in the side pocket. So you don’t get to come back, after seven years, and put this shit on me.’ She takes a gulp of air. ‘On Magdalen. On my Magdalen. Who do you think you are?’
She slams her hands down on the island, and the glasses drying on the counter rattle. For a moment, she looks so much like Mamma it’s freaky. Ferocious, but kind. Too much love for those who don’t deserve it.
‘I won’t watch you do the same thing Papa does,’ she whispers sadly. Her elbows sink down on the counter as if my stupidity physically weighs her down.
It feels like she has stabbed me with one of the dirty knives in the kitchen sink. I take a deep breath in, guilt piercing my body. ‘You just don’t understand, Ani—’
‘Bullshit. I fucking understand everything.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t pretend I enjoyed choosing Maggie’s outfit like we’re at a fucking slumber party. But I don’t see how that makes me anything like him.’
I force my knees to extend and stand. My voice sounds soft, like putty. I slip one finger into my belt loop and tug until I feel the tip of my finger throb.
She straightens her posture, shifting in the chair, so it sits in front of the hallway entrance to the stairs, blocking me. ‘I know everything, Theo,’ she says again.
‘Okay. You’ve made your point.’
‘Ask me what she’s getting ready for.’
‘I don’t really give a shit, to be honest. I’m not a girl and I’m not you guys’ friend. That’s why I didn’t want to fucking do this. And now—’ I sigh, unsure of what I’m even saying. ‘And now you made me look like a dick to her.’
‘You did that way before I got here.’
‘Funny.’ I try to walk to the hallway, but she puts out her hand to stop me.
‘You don’t need to ask me, is that it? Because you already know. You obviously remember.’ Her eyes are bright, focused on me so intensely, I feel like a teen getting caught smoking. Beneath her question is another. She knows what happened. My heart sinks, dread filling my lungs, my ears, the hollow parts of my spine. How the fuck did she find out? I try to imagine Magdalen saying anything, but it’s hard to see her initiating a conversation about me almost fingering her in an alleyway.
‘Don’t do this, Anika. Please.’ Talking to Magdalen is one thing. But having to speak about Magdalen to someone else makes this feel too real... The fantasy I’d replayed alone in the shower ever since is not mine and hers alone any more.
‘Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have given two shits.’
‘I suppose she told you, then.’ It feels like the right course of action. Denial, then blame. Gives me time to stall.
‘You know she would rather cut her arm off than talk about anything remotely sexual. Especially if it was about you. Jesus, this is so fucked up.’ She pauses, staring off at the window, but then whips her head up. ‘Did you fucking threaten her not to tell me?’
‘Can you not be so dramatic for one moment of your life? Of course I didn’t threaten her.’
‘You haven’t seen anything yet, you idiot. You know fuck-all about Magdalen. I don’t bloody care if you fucked! I’d welcome it! She’s as rigid as a board. But I would warn you, I would tell you that she doesn’t bounce back as easily from things. They stick with her. Things hurt more. But she’ll never admit it. To me, to you, not even to God. And now you’ve done something, I can’t help her, or you. And to top it off you’ve driven her to going on this fucking date.’
I mull over her words. Things hurt more. She will never admit it. What could that mean? I want to reach inside Magdalen’s brain and feel how she thinks.
‘What’s the big deal about a fucking date?’ The lie hangs in the air. Both of us stare at each other, arguing with our eyes.
Anika takes a breath. ‘You’re right. You obviously don’t care. Why don’t you just leave.’ She extends her hand to the hallway exit to usher me out, but the growing knot in my stomach pulls taut. When I don’t move, she lowers her hand.
‘What do you want me to say? I obviously don’t like this.’ My voice is whiny and tight, transparent with pain of something lost.
‘Which part don’t you like?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘Everything you do matters to me.’
‘I think about her,’ I confess, my head feeling heavy. ‘I wish it was me she was getting ready for. But I wish I hadn’t—’
‘You regret it?’ Anika asks.
‘I regret it for her ,’ I say too quickly. ‘I haven’t felt that good since... well, a while.’
‘So she’s not as frigid as she seems, then?’ Anika smirks, and I almost want to smile.
‘She’s incredible.’
Anika chews her bottom lip. ‘Will you tell me what happened last week? I can’t help if I don’t know.’
‘I don’t think Magdalen would like that.’
‘Neither would Dante.’ Anika stares at me expectantly.
‘Anika, you can’t say anything to him.’ The words rush out in one breath. ‘He wouldn’t get it.’
‘Of course I won’t. But he’s not stupid. He’s going to find out.’
‘Hopefully I’ll be back in New York by then.’ I grimace. The thought of New York, how easy it is to lose myself in the bustling city. But now it feels like I will spend my life searching for a face I know will never be in the crowd.
‘It really kills you not to be an asshole all the time, doesn’t it.’
‘What now?’ I dip my head, impatient to get away from this conversation.
‘I get you for a few weeks, and you’re already eager to leave me again.’
‘You know it’s not that. But I... things have changed. I fucked up.’
Anika sighs and glances at the stairwell where Magdalen disappeared. Slowly, she turns back to me. ‘You really hurt her feelings.’
‘She seems fine to me.’
‘Then you don’t know her at all.’