- 11 -
February 2096
The History of Psychology 2335
Passion has driven our differing opinions apart since our last discussion, and the room has divided into two groups equally convinced that their stance is correct. I don’t actually think it’s that simple. Life is way less black and white than I was raised to believe. It’s a thousand and one shades of gray that appear lighter or darker based on your priorities. Based on what you value.
Last night’s reading briefly reviewed defense mechanisms and self-actualization, topics we studied in great detail in Introduction to Psychology , but it’s been a few years since I’ve thought about the concepts, or Maslow’s Hierarchy, because it always unsettles my stomach.
How do we know when we’ve reached our full potential? Would we know if we achieved it in the moment, or only if we were to lose it and be forced to look back longingly, yearning for that version of ourselves to return?
Is it long-lasting?
To me, it’s always felt like a trap to keep us on the hamster wheel of achievement, change, and obsessing over perfection. It implies there’s a “correct” way for a person to live, but if that’s true, then who is the guidebook’s keeper?
This is what happens when I think too deeply. My thoughts push me down and capture me in the quicksand of facing the fact that I might be ordinary.
I might be average.
Hence why self-actualization scares me—what if I never achieve it?
Mr. Holiday’s entrance silences the class. “Let’s get started. Please open your textbooks to chapter thirteen.”
One by one, the shuffling of backpacks and clunks of textbooks ring out across the room.
“Someone please explain why we’re studying defense mechanisms at this specific point in time.”
The air is split by at least fifteen eager hands slicing through it. Mine is not one of them. I haven’t spoken much since sharing my poem.
I think I would wither away .
My opinion has remained the same.
Without being called on, the freshman answers. “It’s important to know how individuals defend themselves against vulnerabilities and unhealthy behaviors.”
Annoying, as usual. My eyes roll at her dance around the real reason Mr. Holiday asked that question, which was: why now?
The truth is, no one knows.
“Yes, but the important part of that question was, why now ?”
Told you.
An entire minute of silence passes before he shakes his head in disappointment.
“If any of you had been honest, we would’ve gotten somewhere by now. If you let down your pride and admitted you don’t know, then time wouldn’t have been lost to the silence of solitude. We would’ve laughed as a group and further discussed the reasoning.” His tone shifts into slight indignation as he continues. “Instead, you chose fear. Unfiltered, brave vulnerability will change the world, and you all are lacking it. I suggest you find it before our next lecture. Timing is crucial.”
Our sea of embarrassed faces, some blushed and some blanched, all look down, ashamed. Mr. Holiday has never used embarrassment in his lessons before. This has to serve a purpose, but it’s hard not to be angry at him for making an example of us. We are students, after all; we don’t have all of the answers. Even if you aren’t a student, you don’t have them all. We’re forever destined to be a student in the class of life.
My stomach flips as my steady voice echoes through the room. “There are many ways to be brave, Mr. Holiday. Bravery will appear differently in everyone.”
The entire class holds their breath as he nods, gesturing for me to continue, but that statement didn’t have a destination. It was merely an idea. Despite his burning stare, I can’t find the words. It’s the first time he has made me feel afraid that maybe I’m a coward.
Maybe I won’t change the world.
“Silence i—” I stutter, begging my mind to work, and the eyes of my classmates urge me to continue. Are they rooting for me to succeed, or for good entertainment?
“Silence is our defense mechanism against the embarrassment of admitting we don’t know—admitting we let you down.”
A few heads nod and glance back to Mr. Holiday, pressuring him to let me down gently. Luckily, his voice has returned to his commanding calm when he answers.
“You wouldn’t have let me down with honesty, but you let yourself down with fear. It has held you back from powerful knowledge, and I’ll enjoy watching you figure out what you missed over the rest of this course.”
Will I ever feel like I understand it all?
The Experiment . . . this class . . . life . . . ?
“The homework for this weekend is in the syllabus, but unless anyone has anything to add, I have somewhere to be. My time is precious, as is yours. My TA will teach the rest of class.”
Deep down, something whispers that this lecture is one I should remember.