Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
When I woke up with a symphony of misery in my head, I knew my day was fucked. I couldn’t move, or else I’d start crying, and as Levi got up, all I could do was pretend I was sleeping in while he got ready for work.
Cymbals crashed in my head and every beat of my heart sent pulsating pain to every part of my skull.
This was a migraine, and a bad one at that.
It had been a long time since I’d had one with no medicine. When I was younger, more than half of my time was spent either with one or recovering from one. I was never functioning at one hundred percent.
And I had a feeling I wouldn’t be this time either.
A part of my brain was shut off, too busy dealing with the agony. When I finally heard the front door shut, tears gathered in my eyes as I dragged myself out of bed to find over-the-counter medicine.
It probably wouldn’t work, but it was worth a shot. I was clinging to the hope that this was a normal headache, even as all the signs pointed in the other direction.
I took that and drank water before closing every curtain in my room and falling back in bed. After an hour of no relief, I was fucked .
Both Nancy and Isra wanted to go plant shopping today. Levi had already texted me trying to solidify the plans and I couldn’t .
There was no hope that he wasn’t going to see me like this, but I couldn’t work out what to say. All I could do was take in one breath after another and hope it abated in any capacity.
Tears leaked out of my closed eyes. I didn’t want to disappoint them. I didn’t want Levi to come home and wonder what the hell was wrong and why I hadn’t answered him all day.
I didn’t want him to see me like this and wonder if I was even worth it.
By the evening, I wondered if I could afford an ambulance. I knew that it would be expensive, but the hospital could give me some sense of relief so I could think. I’d made it through pain like this before, but I hoped I would never have to again since I was so religious about taking medicine.
Well, I was until Calvin blew up my life.
All Levi had talked about was wanting to have sex again. He probably would want that tonight after car shopping, and I wished I was able to do all of it. Unfortunately, I wasn’t as reliable as I wanted to be. I’d managed to deal over the years, but even now, a migraine would ruin any plans I had.
And in the haze of pain, there was no time for grieving that. There was only misery, both emotional and physical.
An unsung benefit of living alone was that no one had to witness my darkest moments. I’d gotten good at taking care of myself when these migraines hit. So good that I kept a trash can next to me in case I threw up.
I had no idea what time it was when the front door opened, but I knew there was no faking being okay. My only hope was to pretend to be asleep.
“Hey,” he said. “Are you napping?”
I couldn’t get an answer out and he turned on the lamp next to the bed.
All I could do was yelp in pain as the light turned the migraine up to ten.
“Turn it off,” I begged. “Please, no light.”
Immediately it was shut off. Even talking had pounded on my head, and I curled into myself. God, I wished I had medicine. I could have caught this right when it started and it would have been okay.
“Amy,” Levi said. Dimly, I was aware of how panicked he sounded. “What’s going on?”
“I’ll be fine.” I curled in tighter on myself. “I’m just not well right now.”
But I’d not felt one this bad since the first one when I was a teenager.
“You’re not fine,” he said, his fingers touching my forehead. I let out a hiss of pain and shied away. His hand jerked back.
“Just leave me. I’ll get over it eventually.”
“What’s going on?” he asked. “Please tell me.”
“M-migraine. It’s bad.”
“On a scale of one to ten.”
“Nine,” I said without hesitation.
“We’re going to the hospital,” he replied immediately.
“No,” I begged. “I can’t afford it.”
“I don’t care about money.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but another wave of pain was sent my way, and all I could do was bear it.
By the time the wave subsided, Levi had left. I laid in the darkness, wondering if he was gone for good. Maybe he went to dinner without me.
But he was back before I could finish the thought.
“Put this over your forehead. We’re leaving now.”
“But—”
“No arguing.” His voice was soft yet filled with an unrelenting tension I hadn’t heard. “We’re going to the hospital. And that’s final. Cover your eyes. I’m carrying you to the car myself.”
He was going to regret this the second he saw the hospital bill. I’d gone once when I had insurance and I was still paying it off now.
But the idea of any medicine was enough to let him lift me up. I now had a thing to look forward to, a light at the end of the tunnel. I kept my eyes closed as he put me into the car and we sped through Nashville.
Time always moved funny when I was in pain, but it felt like we were at the ER way too fast.
My pain was worse, and the car didn’t help. The second he parked the car and I opened the door, I threw up. I hadn’t eaten anything, but my stomach wouldn’t stop roiling.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I know I must be so gross right now.”
“Amy, you’re sick. Very sick. Don’t apologize for a single thing.”
The lights of the hospital were awful, and all I could do was sit in a corner while I pressed the washcloth to my eyes. I resisted the urge to throw up again while Levi handled talking to the front desk.
“Come on,” he said. “We’re going back now.”
“Wh-what? Shouldn’t we have to wait?”
“When my wife is sick? You’re not waiting for a single fucking thing. Come on.”
“L-Levi, seriously. We could just go home. This is gonna be so expensive.”
“We’re seeing a doctor now , Amy,” he snapped. “I won’t accept no for an answer.”
Fuck. He was mad. And I didn’t blame him. He didn’t know what was going on, and now I’d ignored him all day, possibly subjecting him to questions from Isra and Nancy, and ruining the other tentative things we’d wanted to do. I hated that I had bad days.
And that it often made people angry.
Lily was good at tolerating the times when I would go quiet. She was so busy with writing and creating her own worlds that I doubted she noticed. But she’d always been such a relaxed friend. Before I met her, people weren’t so chill.
It was why I kept my migraines to myself. Usually, no one needed to know because the medicine worked so well, but I’d flown too close to the sun. I’d gotten too comfortable with not having them and then let one sneak up on me.
And now I’d pay the consequences.
I let him lead me to the back room while my eyes stayed glued to the floor. I nearly fell into the chair and hoped that they would move faster so I could get relief and apologize to Levi.
“And who is this?” the nurse asked as she took my vitals.
“Husband,” I replied. It was all I could say.
“Are you okay with him being here?”
I gave a thumbs-up, unable to nod. He might as well know the full story.
“Your blood pressure is high,” the nurse said.
“It usually is when I get one this bad.”
“Are you on any medicine?”
“Beta blockers ... but I ran out of those a few days ago.”
Levi’s eyes shot to me.
“Why didn’t you get a refill?” the nurse asked.
“My doctor’s office needed to see me in person and I don’t have insurance.”
“Ah, I understand.” A silence settled over the room, as it always did whenever I was at the doctor and mentioned how little money I had. The nurse couldn’t do anything about how expensive health care was in America, and I didn’t blame her anyway. Just like everything else, I sometimes had to go without.
“That won’t be a problem again,” Levi muttered. I winced at the sound. His anger was only growing, and I could imagine what he was thinking right now.
Do you know how mad Isra is because of this?
You should have warned me.
Ugh. It wasn’t going to be easy.
“Dr. Spinel will be in here momentarily. I hope you feel better.”
Once she was gone, silence settled on us again.
“I’m sorry,” I said. Levi only looked at me, his jaw ticked. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer earlier.”
His entire posture was a rigid line, and I looked back at the ground, putting my head in my hands.
Thankfully, the doctor came in right after.
“Ah, there she is. And here is the husband. I heard from the front desk that you were quite worried in the lobby.”
“I haven’t seen her like this.”
“Migraines this severe are very worrying.” Dr. Spinel turned to me. “How long have you had them?”
“Half of my life,” I said.
“And what would you rate the pain?”
“A nine.”
“Have you ever had one this severe?”
“Yes, a long time ago.”
“Do you have any other medicine?”
“I usually have pills for when they start ... but I’m out of that too.”
“You’ll need to see your regular doctor after this,” he said. “But we can give you an injection and some of your beta blockers for now.”
“However little you can give me. I still don’t have insurance, so?—”
“Don’t listen to her,” Levi cut in. “Give her as much as you can, and I’ll make sure she goes to her doctor.”
Dr. Spinel nodded. “Will do.”
“Levi,” I tried. “You can’t?—”
“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do with my money, Amy.”
I could have sunk down into the floor. The doctor looked between us like a bomb was about to go off.
“Now, some things for when you recover: no coffee, and try to eat after this.”
“Yeah,” I grunted.
“Let me go get the injection.”
He didn’t waste time, a welcome departure from how my other ER visits went. The pain of the shot was nothing compared to the pain in my head, and he also gave me oral medicine. I checked my watch. I would need to get some food in my system as soon as possible. Then I could pass out in my room and be mostly okay for Levi to yell at me before he went to work in the morning.
“Don’t forget to avoid stress,” Dr. Spinel added.
I winced. “Yeah, I’ll do my best.”
Levi glared and I looked away. I had a feeling whatever would happen next would be the very thing Dr. Spinel warned me to avoid, but hey, I’d disappointed Levi enough today. I deserved it.
We left, and Levi took me to the pharmacist. Once I had all of my medicine, he also stopped to get me food. I took the beta blockers and slowly ate the donut he got me. I could still feel the nausea, but it wasn’t as bad.
When we got home, I was feeling a little better. The medicine Dr. Spinel gave me worked way better than anything over the counter.
“The medicine is kicking in,” I told Levi. “I’m gonna go to bed now, and you could try to take Isra and your mom to dinner to salvage the night.”
He slowly turned to me, eyes narrowed. “Do you think I’m going to dinner after that?”
“Um, yes? You have things to do.”
“I walked in to my wife nearly passed out in her room. Do you think I give a fuck about anything else?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“You’re pale and you look ...”
I winced. My hair was a mess, as it usually was when I didn’t have the energy to take care of it.
“I look bad. I get it, but it’s mostly the hair. I bet if I styled it, you wouldn’t even notice my paleness. If it had been just a little less intense, I could have?—”
“Do you always have this little regard for yourself, or is this something you’re reserving only for me?”
My jaw dropped. “I ... I take care of myself.”
“You were out of your medicine.”
“Levi, a thirty-day supply of one of them costs more than two thousand dollars out of pocket. I can’t ... Yes, I made cuts, but I had to.”
“You have all the money you could need.”
“But—”
“Amy, what do I have to say to get you to understand, you didn’t need to make cuts. You’re not out of money.”
“Have you seen my bank account?”
“Have you seen mine? I’m rich and you have access to?—”
“And when has that helped me?” I snapped. “I grew up with money, Levi. And it meant nothing, because you know what happens when I get sick? People tell me to get over it. I’m supposed to be happy-go-lucky. It’s the one thing I can be after ... after everything. This ruins me every fucking time.”
“It doesn’t ruin you.”
“Yes, it does. Do you know how much debt I have because of nights like tonight? I have over ten grand in medical bills because of what insurance didn’t cover. My parents were obligated to pay for anything before I turned eighteen—and I still never hear the end of that—but anything from eighteen until now? All mine. And even after ten years of paying it down, I’ve barely made a dent.”
And that was the truth, the one I didn’t want anyone to know. That I was a burden, even when I didn’t want to be.
My eyes fell to the floor. I felt terrible. There were things I wanted to do today. Things Levi wanted to do too. And as usual, it all fell apart because I didn’t want him to know about my condition. I wanted him to think I was fine.
And it blew up in my face.
“Let me get something straight”—his voice was barely controlled— “your family saw you like that and they complained about having to pay for you to feel better? And then let the bills pile up on you the second they could? And then offered you a job barely over the poverty level?”
“They would have offered more if I hadn’t gone to school for English.”
“ What? Amy, stop. Just fucking listen to me for a second. Yes, you can’t control if you have a chronic disease, but it makes you no less of a person.”
I swiped at my face, trying to will away the tears gathering in my eyes. “They’re a burden. One I can’t get away from. One that you’re mad at.”
Levi’s head jerked toward me, his brow pulling low. He opened his mouth to speak, but my heart skipped a beat and I talked over him.
“I’ll go lay down and get more rest,” I offered. “I’ll take my medicine every day and you won’t be bothered again.”
I turned to go to my room. By the time I came out again, I would be fine and this would all be a memory.
But his hand latched onto my wrist.
“Do you really think I’m mad because you’re a burden, Amy?” His voice was dangerously low.
“Is there any other reason you’d be mad?”
He let out a humorless laugh. “I was fucking terrified , actually. Terrified that something was going on that I didn’t know about. Terrified that this could have health repercussions and there was nothing I could do. I didn’t know about the migraines and then I came in and turned the fucking lights on—” He stopped and let out a harsh breath. “And you think I’m upset because I’m inconvenienced?”
“They are an inconvenience. That’s just a fact. You had things to do?—”
“And what about you ? You were the one in pain. I care about that, Amy. I don’t give a shit about anything else when you’re hurting. And then to find out you needed your medicine and you were just going without? That kills me. You’re my wife now, and if you need anything, I’m gonna get it for you. Why is that so hard for you to believe?”
“B-because that’s not how things work.”
“They work that way now. Unlike the idiots who came before me, I care, Amy.”
Tears gathered in my eyes, and I squeezed them shut and turned away. I didn’t want to cry, not when I was the one who’d screwed up.
“Amy,” Levi said gently. “What’s going on? Is the pain coming back?”
“N-no,” I managed to say. “I’m now at the part where I cry like a baby. I fucking hate this. I feel terrible for all of it, and I feel even worse physically. I just ... I want to be normal . I don’t want to live this way.”
“I know, darling.” His voice was soft, and for some reason, it made me sadder.
“And I hate that I need people after these damn things because the only person I had is gone and my family doesn’t care. God, was it too much to ask for a hug when I was sick?”
“Absolutely not,” he said. “It’s never too much to ask for a hug anytime from your family. When Dad died, I wouldn’t have made it without Mom being there. Or Isra. Or ...” He trailed off. “Or my friends. And I can’t imagine what it’s like to have migraines and do it alone.”
“It’s better that way. If I do it alone, then no one can leave when they see me like this.”
“Did you think I would leave?”
“Y-yes.”
“Amy, no . I would never leave because you got sick.”
“But it’s gonna happen again. It always will.”
“And next time I’ll know how to help you. And every single time after that.”
More tears fell. He wanted to help more ?
“Can I touch you now?” he asked. “Please tell me I can.”
“I don’t ... I don’t want sex?—”
His eyes went wide. “God, no. I just wanna hug you.”
“Oh” was all I could say.
“Please?” he repeated. His voice was on the brink of desperation, like he needed this.
And I did too.
“Yeah, you can.”
He let out a breath of relief and pulled me into him. I could hear his fast heartbeat with the way he pressed me into his chest. I closed my eyes.
A desire I’d had for years was finally coming true and it made a different kind of tears brim in my eyes. I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed this. I needed someone to be here, to take just a pound of the burden off of my shoulders so I could breathe for a minute.
“We can wait until I’m finally on your insurance to?—”
“I’ll have you retroactively added. But I’ll pay millions out of pocket. You’re going to your specialist tomorrow.”
“They’re usually booked up.”
“I’ll call, and I’m getting you in. You’re getting taken care of, darling.”
“Thank you,” I managed to say. “For everything.”
“I’d do that and more. Anytime and any day.”
My hands gripped his shirt. I didn’t know why he was doing all of this for me, but I knew I couldn’t tell him to stop. I would take every second of this care and attention up until he decided he was done.
“I want to sleep next to you tonight. I won’t touch you without permission, but I want to be there in case you need me.”
“And if I don’t need you?”
“Then I get to be next to you anyway.”