Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
I took my time getting up the next morning. Levi slept next to me the night before, but he wasn’t there now, and I assumed he’d gone back to work. He needed to, especially considering he ran an entire company. But I didn’t mind. Him not being here would make it easier to figure out what to say to him, would allow me to wonder if this was how things were now—him sleeping next to me every night just like we were a real couple.
But as I walked downstairs, I found him making breakfast.
“Good morning,” he said. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine. The same as last night. I think it’s over.”
“You still need to take it easy. I figured we could watch movies all day and try to relax.”
“We? Shouldn’t you be leaving for work?”
“I can take another day off.”
“Can you? Don’t you need to be working on how to deal with everything Calvin is doing?”
He paused, but then he shook it off. “You don’t need to worry about any of that.”
I crossed my arms. “I’ll tell you what I told Nancy. I’m a pro at worrying.”
“So am I. And I want to be sure you’re okay.”
“I can take care of myself. You can take care of you.”
Levi’s eyes cut to me, and for a second, I saw his jaw tic.
And I knew that I’d stepped on a nerve.
But as soon as I saw it, it was gone.
“I know my limits,” he said. His words were choppy, the only evidence of his irritation.
“Really? Do you?”
“Do you ?” he parroted back at me.
Damn it. I’d wanted to ask him the same thing last night.
“Yes, I do.”
He huffed out a humorless laugh. “The last few days have been a great example of that.”
I wanted to be mad. I really did, but I knew he wasn’t wrong. “Okay, fair. I pushed myself too far. Which means I also know when people are pushing themselves too far. Have you had time to process what happened?”
He blew out a breath. “Isra talked to you.”
“No, I heard Isra talking to you. And she’s right. You need to?—”
“I know what I need,” he snapped. “And I’ve got it. That’s not your job.”
“I’m your wife, aren’t I?” I snapped back. “And don’t even give me the ‘this is fake’ excuse. You sleep in my bed. You live with me. And yet I don’t feel like your real wife.”
“How could you still not feel like this is real?” Now he was mad. Really mad. I’d never seen him this way, chest heaving, face set in a glare—I was tempted to back off. But no. I’d held onto this for long enough. “I’ve done everything ?—”
“For me, yes! But you never let me do anything for you . It’s all about me, and fuck , I don’t want that.”
“Why would you not want that?”
“Because if this is real, then I want to be partners . Not just someone you save. I want your help, yes. But I also want to help you , and you keep pushing me away when I know you need me, and that tells me you don’t trust me.”
“I trust you.”
“Then open up to me!” I exploded. “I’ve been here waiting for you to.”
The anger melted off of his face as my words finally sank in. “I—I didn’t know you cared.”
“I spend nearly all of my time with you. Why wouldn’t I care?”
“I figured you saw me as who I was nine years ago, not who I am now.”
What happened nine years ago was my reminder that I couldn’t get too deep into this. And yet I’d slowly forgotten it as Levi had done more and more for me instead of against me.
“It was a long time ago,” I said slowly. “And if you’re serious about this ... about me , then you have to give me something. Anything.”
“I’ll give you whatever you want.”
“Then it needs to be you . Even the parts you try to hide.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t see why you’d want that.”
“Telling me to trust you is hard. You’re asking me to put my faith in you and I want the same in return.”
His eyes met mine. “I didn’t think of it that way.”
“Did you really think this was going to be you doing everything for me?”
“Honestly, yes.”
I shook my head. “Maybe someone else would want that, but I don’t. So, please open up to me.”
He started to speak but then stopped. “I . . . don’t think I know how to.”
“I can help with that. First, we’re gonna talk about how this felt for you . That’s where we start.”
“But it happened to you .”
“Come on, Levi. We’re married. We’ve been joking about the phrase ‘what’s mine is yours and yours is mine,’ but there’s a nugget of truth in that. I’m sure you felt some of the stress too. And I’m okay. I really am. I’ve recovered. So, it’s time to give you space to feel how you do.”
Levi’s hand landed on the counter and he drummed a nervous beat as he worked out what to say. I waited, but he only seemed to grow more conflicted.
“Come on.” I walked over to him and grabbed his hand to lead him to the couch.
“I have something in the toaster.”
“That can wait. We’re talking about this.” I sat next to him. “Isra mentioned that this meant something to you.”
He turned to me. “You heard that?”
“I did. And I heard how you dodged everything she was trying to say.”
“I didn’t want to worry her.”
“Yeah, that seems to be a theme with you,” I said dryly. “Now, why did you not want to open up to her?”
“Isra and I butt heads a lot, but it’s because we’re similar. Too similar. We try to fix things when they go wrong. When Dad died ...” He trailed off.
“You can tell me,” I urged.
“I . . . I think it was her breaking point. And Mom’s. I’d never seen them like that, so I stepped in. I handled the funeral and all of it. I think both of them feel bad, but especially her. She’s been trying to make up for it ever since. But they didn’t do anything wrong.”
“So when did you deal with it? Or did you deal with it at all?”
“I read. And I thought about what I read. Sure, it wasn’t direct, but it was nice to be reminded that people can die and things would be okay. And I am okay. I did eventually process Dad’s death. And I had someone to help me.”
“A friend?”
“Yeah. They were key to it.”
“Do you still have this friend?”
He thought about it, and I wondered if any of his friends did what Ava did to me. “I wasn’t sure for a bit, but I think I do.”
“You could talk to them if you wanted. About this. It doesn’t have to be me.”
“I want it to be,” he said.
“Then tell me. Even about the parts I messed up.”
“It’s not ... I don’t want you to feel worse than you already do.”
“I’m a big girl. I can handle when I screw up.”
He sighed. Was I going to have to pry more? But then he finally spoke. “That’s not the first time I’ve come home to someone being very sick. Dad knew about his cancer before he told any of us. And I didn’t find out until I came home to find him passed out in his room.”
My breath hitched. “Levi, I?—”
“Just let me finish. If I don’t, I don’t know if I’ll ever say it.”
I nodded and gestured for him to continue.
“You didn’t know, but I can’t help but wonder why you didn’t tell me. Or why Dad didn’t. I’ve spent my entire life wanting to fix things for people, and yet they never trust me. If I could take back everything I’ve done to start over, I would. Because obviously, I got it wrong somewhere.”
“Levi, no.” I leaned forward and grabbed his hand. “Even if you did start over, no one is perfect. We hurt each other and make a mess of things ... just like I did when I didn’t tell you about the migraines. I should have. A marriage is no place for secrets.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but I stopped him.
“It’s my turn to talk for a bit because there’s so much I need to say.” I took a shaky breath. “My choice had to do with me . My reasons for not telling you were my own insecurities. I felt like you wouldn’t want to do this once you knew, and I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“We can call it many things, but fine isn’t one of them. I fucked up and I own up to it, okay?”
“It’s not like I don’t understand your point of view. If I grew up with a family like yours ... I’d be in the same position.”
“It wasn’t all that bad,” I said.
Levi gave me a doubtful look. “Are you sure about that?”
“I had Gram,” I reminded him. “She’s the one who got me to the doctor. She took all of this very seriously and she wanted me to as well. Now that she’s gone ... I think I’m forgetting some of the lessons she wanted me to learn.”
“I understand. Dad was always on me for fixing things too much, and yet here I am.”
“We might need to remind ourselves.”
“We can be a team,” I said. “I can remind you if you do the same for me.”
“And that’s what you want? With me?”
Gram’s lessons were still fresh on my mind, and her biggest one was trust. She’d told me never to trust someone unless I was one hundred percent sure they wouldn’t hurt me.
And there were still things I needed to talk to Levi about. There were still questions.
But I wanted this.
“Yes,” I said. “Do you?”
“More than anything.”
A call from Sally was ultimately what made Levi go back to work, despite him insisting he wanted to stay at home with me. Apparently, one of their best workers had interviewed with Calvin, and wanted to offer more intel on what my brother was offering. Levi offered to still stay home, but I told him he should handle it and we could talk later.
He made me promise to call him if I started to feel any worse.
I wasn’t worried about it. The plan was to take it easy, and I did exactly that. I was able to finally style my curls and look more presentable, then I sat on the couch with a book while my hair dried.
At noon, I was trying to figure out if I should have lunch when my phone rang and Emma’s name flashed on the screen.
“My God,” she said when I answered. “Having a reliable car is a lifesaver when you live in the middle of nowhere.”
“I’m glad you have one,” I said.
“But I’ll give it back if Levi didn’t hold up his end of the agreement,” she said. “Did he?”
“Not yet.”
“See, I knew he was lying?—”
“Not because he didn’t want to, but because we got a little busy.”
“With?”
I blew out a breath. Levi’s and his family’s concern was a reminder of how much I didn’t talk about my issues.
And Emma didn’t deserve that.
“The ER. I had another bad migraine.”
“Oh, shit,” she said. “I knew you seemed a little off.”
“It might have been one of the worst I’ve ever had. I was completely out of my medicine and?—”
“Why were you out of your medicine?” she cut in.
“Is there any chance you could not grill me on this? Trust me, I’ve heard so many lectures about this that I can’t take any more.”
“I’ll do my best. What happened?”
“I ran out after Calvin fired me, and I wasn’t on Levi’s insurance yet.”
“But don’t health benefits last for bit? Like the rest of the month?”
“Not when Calvin is the one making the decision.”
“That dick !” she snapped. “Fuck, I hate him.”
“I do too,” I said. “And I made some pretty bad choices. When Levi walked in, he was pretty freaked out.”
“Did this happen before or after you told him?”
“Before,” I admitted with a wince.
“ No. Amy, I told you to?—”
“I know! But it all happened so fast. And to make matters worse, I found out this was a recurring thing for him. His dad did this same thing with his cancer diagnosis.”
I heard Emma suck in a breath. “Seriously?”
“Yeah. Not my finest moment.”
“How bad was the fight?”
“Actually ... He wasn’t as mad as I deserved. Especially since he’s about to get a massive ER bill after this.”
“Why are you worried about money? You married a rich guy!”
“Even if he’s rich, it doesn’t mean he wants to spend that much money on me.”
“I wish I was in front of you so I could smack you. Amy, come on .”
“Mom and Dad were nearly as rich as he is, and they still fucking complained.”
“And they’re shitty people. They wanted to spend their time and money on their worst kid.”
“I know,” I said miserably. “Levi said the same thing.”
“And do you have a reason to not believe him?”
“Not that he’s given me.”
“But the ones Mom and Dad gave you?”
“You saw how they acted.”
“And I wanted to kick them in the shins, but I had a feeling you would hate that.”
“It didn’t occur to me that life could be different until ... Levi. He’s offered to solve every single one of my problems, and I can’t help but wait until the other shoe drops and he’s gone.”
“Please. That’s not gonna happen.”
“And how do you know that?”
“Amy, you’re married to a guy who’s obsessed with you. When I went to the store with him, he wouldn’t shut up about you. I get that you’re protecting yourself or whatever, but it sounds like it’s an excuse to keep him at arm’s length instead of giving yourself the happy ending you deserve.”
“He only talked about me?”
“Yes. And he lit up like a kid at Christmas as he did so. It was so cute that it made me want to throw up.”
“I’m being dumb, aren’t I?”
“Very.”
“And somehow you’re the smart one.”
“I had years of you guiding me to get me to this moment. Don’t worry, in a few weeks I’ll do something else stupid and you’ll have to save my ass. Besides, this is the first time you’ve gotten close to someone. You’re bound to have a hard time. Your emotions are all tangled up in this.”
“I really underestimated how hard it would be.”
“I think he’s a good guy, though. Doesn’t that count for something?”
It did. Emma didn’t see the good in people. My entire life, she told me that our family sucked, or my one-night stands weren’t good enough for me, even for one night of sex.
“One of these days you’ll see yourself as others do. You could ask that woman you had at the wedding.”
“You mean Lily?”
“The one with the brown hair and freckles? She seemed nice.”
“She is,” I said.
“I bet she’d back me up. If she doesn’t, then she sucks.”
“She doesn’t suck.” My eye caught on the window, where the very person I was talking about was walking up. “She’s actually coming over right now.”
“Good. You should hang out with her. I need to go into work anyway.”
I told her goodbye and opened the front door.
“Hey,” I said to Lily. “How are you?”
“With me? Everything is fine. But I haven’t seen you on your walks for a while.”
“You notice my walks?”
She put a hand on her hip. “You’re the one who taught me how fun observing people in the neighborhood is.”
“I didn’t know you’d use it against me so fast.”
“I’m not using anything against you. I’m merely curious.”
“Everything is fine now,” I said.
“But it wasn’t fine before?”
“There’s been a lot. You could come in and catch up.”
“I was gonna walk to the coffee shop since it finally warmed up. We could include Riley in this catch-up.”
I looked at the weather outside. The birds were chirping and more flowers were starting to bloom. I’d missed so much while being inside.
“I want to, but I might need to take it slow. A part of what happened was me getting sick.”
“You got sick?” Lily’s eyes grew wide. “We can drive if you want to.”
“No, it’s such a nice day. I’ll be fine as long as we’re patient.”
“I can do that. And if it’s too much, I’ll come back and get my car.”
The warm smell of coffee hit my nose, and I was relieved to see Riley standing behind the counter. We must have come at a good time because, for once, there wasn’t a line to the door.
“Hey, you two,” Riley said when she saw us. “I was beginning to wonder when I’d see the both of you again.”
“I’m taking a break from writing so I don’t burn out,” Lily said. “But I finally got Amy out of the house, so this is a special occasion.”
“And it’s not too busy, so I can finally hear what’s going on with you and Levi.”
“You can also hear about my last life event.”
“You had another ?” Riley asked.
“Does going to the ER count as a life event?”
Both women’s eyes grew wide.
“What?” Lily asked first. “When the hell were you in the ER?”
“Are you okay?” Riley added. “Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m okay now. I was only there for a few hours two days ago for a migraine. I’ll just probably need decaf today. Too much caffeine might bring it back.”
“Is that why your car has been gone?” Lily asked.
“Um, no. I gave that to my sister, but that was before.”
“So, a lot’s happened. But the migraine—was it your first one?”
“No, it wasn’t. I tend to keep them to myself since it used to bother people that I had them.”
“Shouldn’t it bother you the most since you have them?” Riley asked.
“My family kinda sucks,” I said. “I’m trying to unlearn it since I feel terrible that Levi found out the way he did, but it’s hard.”
“Oh,” they both said at the same time.
“On that note,” Lily added after a while, “I hope you’re ready for me to be really annoying. If you disappear, I’m checking in on you.”
“I’m back on my medicine, so hopefully it’ll lessen them.”
“And I’ll be watching your caffeine intake too,” Riley said. “One a day. Maybe two if I’m feeling nice.”
“Come on, guys. You don’t have to worry too much about me.”
“We’re your friends,” Lily said. “Does this have something to do with Calvin?”
“Who’s Calvin?” Riley asked.
“My brother.” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know if you saw it, but he tried to show up at the wedding ...”
“I saw some drama, but I was dealing with a meltdown from my youngest,” she replied. “Was he not invited or something?”
“No, he wasn’t. But neither he nor my parents listen. Still, a lot of people think he’s the better of the two of us. A lot of people use me to get to him.”
“First of all, that’s terrible. And second, what makes him better exactly?” Riley asked.
“He’s popular. Rich. Everyone loves him.”
“Everyone?” she countered. “How good of a person is he?”
“He’s terrible.”
“Does he have a good sense of humor?”
“Not really.”
“And does he have any close friends?”
“I don’t know. I personally don’t wanna get close enough to find out.”
Riley wrinkled her nose. “Then he’s fake. And definitely not better.”
“Someone tell my parents that.”
“Parents sometimes pick a favorite,” Riley said. “My mom did, and it definitely wasn’t me. Thankfully, she came around, but I’m lucky. And even so, it did a lot of damage. The kind that I tried to hide.”
“I could see you doing that,” Lily said.
“Don’t let your brother make you feel like you’re not enough. Or walk all over you.”
“She doesn’t always let him walk all over her.” Lily turned to me. “You wanna tell her about the house?”
“Oh yeah, I stole a house from him.”
“What?”
“He got it in my gram’s will and he didn’t deserve to have it,” I said. “He was gonna sell it to have the money to build a pool at his place.”
“I need this whole story,” Riley said. “But just from what I’m hearing, I’d rather have you as a friend.”
“Me too,” Lily added.
“Both of you are the first.”
“Then you were around shitty people,” Lily said. “You were so friendly when we met. I didn’t even think you would want to know me because I’m nowhere in your sphere of niceness. You were friends with Riley first.”
“Friends is a strong word.”
“I wanted to be friends,” Riley said. “I figured you had too many, though. You’re so fun.”
My cheeks heated. That’s how people saw me?
Damn it. Emma was right. When I told her, she would never let me live it down.
“I guess I didn’t know that.”
“Do I have explicit permission to force you into friendship?” Riley asked. “I’ll do it.”
“I’ll help,” Lily added.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “You totally do. You have my number.”
“You’re either gonna regret this or love this,” Riley said. “But I’ll start by giving you decaf for free.”
“You don’t have to?—”
“I owe you a wedding present and a you-were-sick present. Shut the fuck up and let me do something for you.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“It’s so nice to be talking to adults,” she said as she stepped to the side to grab coffee. “I can’t say fuck when I’m talking to my kids.”
She handed me the cup and deflated when she looked behind us. I did the same and saw a line had formed.
“I’ll talk to you later,” I offered with a bright smile.
“Life sucks when you have to do your job,” she muttered.
Lily grabbed my arm and led me to a table.
“Okay, so what have we learned today?” she asked.
“That my self-esteem sucks and it’s my parents’ fault?”
“And?”
“That I have friends?”
“Good. You’re learning.”
“I’m trying. Having Levi there really showed me that I need help in those moments. When Calvin fired me, I ran out of my medicine and didn’t see a way to get it. Levi made it happen.”
“You said you were back on it. Why did you go off of it?”
“Without insurance, it’s over two grand. And that’s just one of them.”
“I would have paid for it,” she said immediately.
“What?”
“I have enough money saved up.”
“But I don’t know if I could pay you back.”
“ Oh no , I’m out a little bit of money but my friend gets to feel okay? That’s so terrible.”
“Still, it’s a lot to ask of someone. Would you ever ask that of me?”
Lily blew out a breath. “Okay, good point. But you’d do it.”
“Yes.”
“And I would do the same for you.”
“You also have a good point.”
“Why haven’t you told anyone?”
“It’s hard for me to talk about the things I don’t like about my life. I wanna be happy-go-lucky all the time, but I can’t be. Sometimes, I’m holed up in bed with pain so bad I can’t move. It’s annoying for both me and the people around me.”
“But you can’t do anything about it. And I know for a fact that I care about you. I can help.”
I smiled at her. “I’m getting it. I promise. It’s weird to actually have friends.”
“I know,” she replied. “But we’re gonna make it work. Plus, your fake husband seems to help you.”
“I don’t know if it’s fake anymore.”
“Oh . . . interesting.”
“You don’t sound shocked.”
“I’m not. You kept saying you weren’t gonna fall for him, but it honestly sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than you were trying to convince me.”
I rubbed my neck. “You caught that, huh?”
“Yep. Though, I still don’t know the details, and you better start spilling. And then prepare to tell Riley again once she’s done with that line.”
“It’s March ,” Lily panted as we walked back to the house. “How is it so hot?”
“This is insulting,” I said. “Where did this heat come from?”
She shook her head. When we’d left my house, there was still a cool breeze wafting through the air that made the trek there easy. We’d stayed at the café until later in the afternoon while catching up, which allowed the sun to bake the roads.
“Note to self,” Lily said, “we drive next time, even if it feels nice when we leave.”
“I’m on strict bed rest,” I replied. “So I’m gonna get some water before I give myself another headache.”
“You better!” she said, and with a wave, she disappeared into her own house. I walked into mine and got the biggest glass I could find. I was chugging it when the front door opened.
Levi’s eyes found me immediately.
“What are you doing back?” I asked. “It’s not even five.”
“And what are you doing looking like you just worked out?”
Busted.
“That’s the weather’s fault. Lily and I took a walk to the coffee shop. It was fine on the way there, but it got so hot on the way back. I’m chugging this to be sure I don’t get a headache.”
“Amy . . .”
“I’m okay!” I insisted. “Seriously. I feel normal. And I took my medicine today. Everything is fine. Besides, you didn’t answer my question.”
“I wanted to check on you and be sure you weren’t overdoing it.”
“Ah. Well. I tried not to. The sun betrayed me. Besides, I have to go back to normal living eventually. I know this was scary for you, but this wasn’t my first rodeo.”
“It wasn’t, but I’m not all that sure you have your own best interests in mind.”
“I did have a massive migraine that landed me in the hospital to prove that I was wrong. I’m listening now, I promise. I don’t need you to get all overprotective of me.”
His shoulders slumped. “You know why I’m doing it, right?”
“Because you have a crush on me and I’m the light of your life?”
“You sound like you’re joking, but that’s actually the reason. I want to take care of you.”
“And you have. But I wanted to spend time with Lily and feel a little normal.”
“Did it help?”
“Yes. And I got some surprisingly good advice from Emma when she called.”
“What did she call about?”
“She was checking in to see if you got me the car, and I told her about the migraine and stalled her. I’ll have to get a rental after this so she doesn’t force me to take my old car back.”
“Why would you need a rental? We’re still getting you whatever you want.”
“Are you serious, a whole-ass car?”
“As opposed to what, a half-ass car?”
“I—you know what I mean. That’s expensive, and with the medical bills?—”
“Stop worrying about all of that. I’m paying for it all.”
God, I needed to message Riley and see if her rich husband did this same thing. I had no idea how to respond.
But I did want a new car.
“Fine. Thank you.”
“Are you listening to me now?”
“Only when I want to. What’s my budget?”
“No budget.”
“What? Come on, you have to have something. Give me a number.”
“There isn’t one. You’re getting what you want. So tell me what it is.”
“An SUV is fine. I just want space for gardening. It can be used?—”
“It won’t be.”
“But it could be. Then again, there’s one I’ve always liked the look of.”
“Tell me what it is. A Volvo? A Mercedes?”
“It’s a Toyota.”
“Seriously?” he asked.
“Don’t make fun of me. I like what I like, and that’s practical. Besides, have you seen car prices?”
He pulled out his phone and looked it up. When I saw way too many tens of thousands, I said, “See? That’s so much.”
“Amy, this is nothing. What color do you want?”
“C-color? Why?”
“I’m finding one for you.”
“There’s a gray that looks kinda green. I always do a double take when I see it.”
“Got it,” he said. “We’ll go to get it tomorrow.”
“Are you su—” He gave me a flat look. “Okay, sorry. We’re going tomorrow.”
“Good girl,” he replied. “Now, take your water and sit.”
“Why? Do you have big plans?”
“We’re gonna relax,” he replied. “And maybe read.”
That sounded like the perfect plan, one that I couldn’t wait to get started on.