Chapter 6
Max
I can’t believe I’m having this discussion with my son, of all people, and the disbelief that registers on his face breaks my heart. I’ve never felt more ashamed than I do in this moment.
He stares at me, unblinking before he gives a slight nod. “I know what that is.”
I hand him my glass. “Could I have a refill please?”
He takes the glass to the bar he and Natalie keep out of the reach of little hands. When he returns, he brings the gin bottle and puts it on the coffee table, probably realizing we’re going to need additional reinforcements. He looks different to me, as if he’s been through something traumatic.
What would it be like, I wonder, to hear such things from your father, the man you’ve looked up to all your life? I’m disgusted with myself, the same way I was way back when my first wife told me I was a sick fuck who had no business associating with polite society.
I take another drink, hoping the gin will take the edge off my nerves while Flynn waits to hear what other bombshells I might drop that’ll change how he views me forever.
“Back in the day, when I was young, I… Well, I enjoyed that lifestyle. I know that may sound outrageous to you, but it was fun and exciting and?—”
“Dad. Stop.”
“I’m sorry. I hate this. You must be disgusted.”
“I said to stop not because I’m disgusted, but because I understand.”
I gasp as I look at him, feeling as if I’m seeing him for the first time or some crazy thing. “What do you mean you understand?”
“I’m a Dom.”
“You… You’re…”
“A Dom. I have been since my twenties. It ruined my marriage to Valerie, so when I say I understand, I truly do.”
“I… Well… Wow. I didn’t expect you to say that.”
“Likewise. Must be in the blood or something.”
For the first time since I arrived, I have cause to smile, which gives me hope that I might survive this day. Whether or not my marriage will survive remains to be seen.
“Tell me what happened and then we’ll figure out how to handle it.”
This is the very last thing I want to talk about with anyone, let alone my son. I love all my children passionately, but he’s been special to me from the start—and not just because he’s my only son. We’ve shared a bond that transcends the parent-child relationship, especially since he became an actor. How he handles a blockbuster, award-winning career, balancing professional and personal with extreme grace, is a source of tremendous pride to me. Being Flynn Godfrey’s father is one of my favorite things in life.
“It would crush my soul if I ever disappointed you,” I tell him.
“You couldn’t.”
“I could, and that’s one of my greatest fears.”
“Believe me when I tell you, there is nothing you could say or do that would change my opinion of you.” He tips his head and looks at me with love, affection, respect and admiration. I see all those things expressed on his world-famous face. “You have no idea, do you?”
“Of what?”
“Of what you’ve meant to me, to the girls, to all of us…” His voice breaks ever so slightly, and his eyes fill with tears. “We love you so much. There’s literally nothing you could do or say to change that. Please believe me when I tell you that.”
“Even if my sexual predilections come to light? Some of the grandkids are old enough to read what’s said online. The thought of that makes me sick.”
“They love you as much as we do.”
“I’m not sure I’d survive any of this becoming public.”
“Yes, you would. There’s nothing we can’t get through as a family. We’ve proven that time and again.”
“This is different, son. Tell me you see that.”
“What I see is a vindictive woman out to destroy someone she hasn’t talked to in more than fifty years. Who’s going to look bad here? Not you.”
“I don’t even know for sure that she’s coming for me, but I can’t imagine she wouldn’t if her goal is to sell books.”
“Emmett and I agree that we need to prepare for the worst, and the way we do that is by having all the information we need to be ready for anything.”
I refill my glass, needing all the liquid courage I can get to tell my son a story I never expected to share with anyone, let alone him.
“I was twenty-four, coming off the biggest year of my life after Sandman was a huge hit. Everyone wanted to work with me, to be close to me, to capture some of the pixie dust that comes from having a big hit. You know what that’s like.”
“Yes, I do.”
“And the women… They threw themselves at me. It was like an all-you-can-eat buffet, and I was the main dish.” God, I haven’t thought about any of this in years. Why would I when I was happily married to the greatest woman on earth? A deep sigh rattles through me as I force myself to press on, to put words to my greatest shame so my son, of all people, can help me to keep that shame from ruining everything I hold dear.
“I did things I’m not proud of.”
“We all have. I hope you know that’s not uncommon. Celebrity is nothing more than insanity on steroids.”
“It was uncommon for me. I kept thinking about what my mother would have to say if she knew what I was up to.”
“I’m sure she knew. Not much got by her.”
“No, it didn’t, but in her wildest imagination, she wouldn’t have put me at orgies… It was sheer debauchery, and I loved every bit of it.”
“Most guys would,” Flynn says with a wry grin. “Oh, they’d act appalled until they were offered the chance to participate, and then suddenly, their staunch ethics desert them and they’re all in. I’ve seen that happen so many times, it’s become comical.”
“You’re right, and I’ve seen it a lot, too, but the whole time I was cutting loose, I was also a bit ashamed of myself.”
“Was everything consensual?”
“ Always. ”
“Then there’s no reason for shame.”
“I come from a different time, son. People didn’t run around having group sex and partying like the apocalypse was coming and we all had to get as much as we could before time ran out, until the seventies in Hollywood.”
“People have always done that stuff. It was just new to you.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“It’s one hundred percent true. When I was new to the lifestyle, someone told me to never act like I was inventing this game. It’s been played from the beginning of time, he said, and there’s nothing more off-putting to longtime practitioners than some cocky new guy thinking he was the first to wield a flogger.”
I grunt out a laugh at the way he phrases that. “That’s good advice.”
“I took it to heart.”
“I wish someone had said that to me as I was indoctrinated into the lifestyle in the most decadent of ways. I might’ve avoided this whole situation we find ourselves in now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m getting ahead of myself. So after Sandman , things were crazy in all areas of my life, personal and professional. I had a girlfriend for a year before Sandman hit. I’m not proud of how I walked away from that relationship like it meant nothing to me so I could run around and feed my ego and show my suddenly famous face everywhere I could. She was disgusted by me, and rightfully so.”
“Remember what you said at the outset. You were young. We all do stupid things when we’re young. I swear the twenties are all about stupid things.”
“I was stupider than most. I let it all go to my head. I was so full of myself, there was no oxygen in the room for anyone else. My management team quit me three months after Sandman . I couldn’t believe they’d walk away from a rising star. I was outraged. But they saw handwriting on the wall that I couldn’t read yet because I was blinded by my own self-importance. I became insufferable. I lost some of the close friends I’d come up with in the business.”
“You talked to me about not letting that happen when I first hit the big time. You said don’t forget where you came from and who was on the journey with you.”
“I can’t believe you remember that.”
“I remember all your spot-on advice. You made me who I am today, more so than anyone else in my life.”
His words bring new tears to my eyes. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”
“Same goes, Pops. I’ve always been proud to be Max Godfrey’s son, and I always will be.”
“I hope so.”
“Some things you can count on to never change. That’s one of them.”
His assurances give me the courage to continue my story. “The more I learned, the more I became obsessed by the lifestyle. I couldn’t get enough of the rush, the power… all of it. I was hooked on the high of it, the most natural drug in the world, the one that made me feel like I could conquer kingdoms rather than leaving me feeling like shit the way actual drugs did. But more than that, I felt like I’d come home to a place I’d always been meant to be. I know that sounds ridiculous…”
He puts his hand on top of mine. “It doesn’t. I get it. I’ve been there, and I know that feeling all too well.”
“It helps that you get it, as surprised as I am that you get it.”
Flynn laughs. “The surprise works both ways here, but it also explains a few things, such as why it felt so natural to me from the start. It’s in my DNA.”
“I suppose it is. Anyway, because of my aforementioned big opinion of myself, I let the power go to my head and ended up scaring off a few early partners with my intensity.”
“That happens.”
“It never should’ve. I look back at that now with a sense of disbelief that I was ever that foolish or cavalier or stupid. That’s one of my greatest shames in life, that I scared women who’d entrusted their pleasure to me.”
“That’s also far more common than you’d think. It happened to me, in fact. With Val.”
I gasp. “Seriously?”
He nods and diverts his gaze, as if he understands the shame, too. “I was new to it when I was with her, still testing my own limits. I freaked her out, and she got even by cheating on me and making sure I found out about it. It ruined everything between us, not that we were that solid to begin with, but it never should’ve gone down like that.”
“Wow.”
“Everyone makes mistakes. The hope is that we learn from them and don’t repeat them.”
“Took me a while to learn the lessons. Too long.” I take another sip of gin. The tonic is long gone. “I met Vivian at a party at Bobby Scott’s and was instantly dazzled by her, the way every man alive was at the time. I lack the vocabulary to express how big of a star she was then. She was the most famous woman in the world for a time, eclipsing Queen Elizabeth and the stars of Charlie’s Angels and anyone else you could name from that era. She was one of the first true superstars of the modern era, and I wanted her fiercely.
“The most shocking thing to happen to me, in an already shocking year, was that she wanted me, too. Bobby introduced us and offered to represent me. In fact, the minute she latched on to me, I got more new offers than I could handle. They didn’t know we were together romantically, but if Vivian asked for a favor, it was granted. That’s how powerful she’d become—and she was all of twenty-two years old.
“In private, we were on fire for each other. There’s simply no other way to describe the attraction, the heat, the madness of that relationship. If we weren’t working, we were, you know…”
“I know.”
“It was sheer gluttony. We got married on a whim, with a justice of the peace called to her home and forced to sign an NDA before they were even a thing. She gave him twenty-five grand for his discretion, and surprisingly, he kept the secret when he probably could’ve sold it for millions. Even before the twenty-four-hour news cycle, the Hollywood press machine was ravenous—and Vivian getting married would’ve been a huge scoop.”
“Did she know about the BDSM before the marriage?”
“God no. I kept that part of me on lockdown out of fear of driving her away. I was enthralled by her—and a little bit afraid of her, to be honest. Even as young as she was, she wore her power like chain mail, even if she was surprisingly innocent beneath the facade.”
“So you tried to live without the lifestyle?”
“I did, and for a while, I was successful. And then, after a few months, I started to crave more, and that was the beginning of our undoing.”
“How so?”
“We dressed up in disguises, and I took her to a club to show her what I wanted. That didn’t go well at all. Where I was hoping she’d be intrigued, she was appalled. She said, ‘ This is what you really want?’ I’ll never forget the disgust in her expression as she said that. It was devastating, and when I look back at it, that question was the end of us.”
“So she never even tried it?”
“Oh, she tried, but it wasn’t happening. Vivian Stevens was no one’s submissive, and she couldn’t get past the fact that I’d kept my true desires from her or the feeling that she’d never be enough for me without the rest of it. I tried to convince her that wasn’t true, but nothing was ever the same after we visited the club. We tried getting our groove back, but it was gone, and soon she was, too. After we divorced, she had our marriage annulled as if it’d never happened. I’m still not sure how she did that without my involvement, but she was Vivian Stevens. Anything was possible for her.” I glance at Flynn. “Do you see why I’m so terrified? If she tells the world we were married, she might also disclose what caused our breakup.”
“Not necessarily.”
“Why wouldn’t she go there? Can you even imagine the headlines? Max Godfrey Ruined Marriage to Vivian Stevens With His Sexual Dominance. And PS—His Wife Has No Idea He’s a Dom .”
“So Mom doesn’t know about the BDSM?”
I shake my head. “I like to think I learned my lesson with Vivian. I put that part of me on lockdown after that and never went near the lifestyle again.”
“You just walked away from something that made you feel like you’d come home?”
“I’d seen the downside and was afraid to ruin another relationship. Didn’t you feel that way after what happened with Val?”
“For a while, I did, but the BDSM was a symptom of a larger problem with Val. I didn’t love her, and when she freaked out about the dominance, I cut the cord with her. She thought it was because of the sex, which is why she did what she did, but it was so much more than that.”
“I hesitate to ask about how you handled it with Natalie.”
“Badly. I kept it from her, assuming that because of her past as a sexual assault survivor, she wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
“Totally understandable. I would’ve done the same thing. How’d she find out?”
“Valerie told her.”
“ What? ”
“Yep. She had the unmitigated nerve to confront my new wife in a ladies’ room at an awards show and fill her in about my proclivities. At the time, Nat had no idea what to make of it. Then she discovered Hayden’s room when we were staying at his house. When she asked me about it, I lied and said I didn’t know about it.”
“Cripes. Hayden, too?”
“All of us.”
“Oh. Wow. Well…”
“Valerie called her and told her where to find proof in my house. It was my bad that I hadn’t gotten rid of the room in the basement before Nat moved in, but needless to say, I wanted to kill my ex-wife for doing that, especially since Natalie left me for a time because I lied to her again when she confronted me about what she knew. Not my finest hour, to say the least.”
“And on top of everything else you two were dealing with at the time.”
“Exactly. That’s how Valerie ended up on a reality TV show on a fishing boat in Alaska.”
I laugh hard for the first time all day. “Brilliant.”
“Hayden and I thought so, too. We made sure it was the only offer she got.”
“And now she’s hawking kitchen tools on QVC.”
“Which is more than she deserves.”
“Truly. I never would’ve suspected her of being so evil.”
“I would, but you know what’s funny? In a way, what she did sort of saved me with Nat. Her actions forced us to talk about it, to figure it out, and let me just say… That was well worth the time and effort.”
“Was it now?”
“Oh yeah. She’s my perfect partner in every way.”
“You’re a lucky man.”
“And I know it. Believe me. Not that we have much time these days for anything more than the regular fun and games, which is more than fine.”
“I can imagine it’s hard to find time for yourselves with four little ones underfoot. I remember what that was like.”
“I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but has it ever occurred to you that Mom might be into it?”
“God no. She’s not submissive to anyone. You know that.”
“Would you have guessed that Natalie would be? That Addie, Aileen, Leah, Marlowe and Sebastian are? Although Mo and Seb switch.”
I’m sure my face is blank with astonishment at hearing that list. “ All of them?”
“Yep. Of course, you know I’m trusting you with other people’s private business.”
“I understand and will never breathe a word of it, but my God, son, how do such famous people keep a secret like that in this day and age?”
“Very, very carefully.”
“I couldn’t bear to be where you’re at in this time in our culture.”
“I try to ignore the noise and focus on my family and the work. What else can I do? If someone wants to blast me for being a Dom, then so be it. It’s not going to change anything that truly matters to me.”
“You’re very evolved on the matter.”
“I’ve been keeping this side of myself private for close to twenty years. My entire adult life, for the most part. It doesn’t faze me the way it would have earlier in my career when I was less established. These days, I’m fresh out of fucks as to what people I’ll never know think of me. The people who matter… Most of them know all my secrets, and the ones who don’t… Well, they don’t need to know.”
He’s referring to his mother and me, as well as his sisters.
“So if by all of us , you also include Jasper in the lifestyle, does that mean…”
Flynn laughs. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.”
I definitely can’t think of my Ellie in this context.
After sharing my sordid story with my son, I’m completely spent. I feel as if I’ve run a marathon over the course of this day.
“What can I do for you tonight, Dad?”
“You’ve already done so much by inviting me here and listening. I’m sure it must be so shocking for you to learn this stuff about me at this point in your life.”
“Is it shocking for you to learn what you did about me?”
“Surprising but not shocking.”
“Same goes for me. Do you think you could sleep?”
“I suppose I could try.”
“Nat made up the guest room for you.”
“That was nice of her.”
“She loves you as much as I do. You’ve been the father she never really had. I hope you know that.”
That brings tears to my raw eyes. “Will she still love me when she hears all this?”
“Without a doubt. The way you and Mom stepped up for her and made her part of our family when her life blew up… She’ll never not love you both with all her heart. No matter how terrible this gets, the people who love you and Mom always will because you’ve been there for us through everything. You can take comfort in that.”
“I hope you’re right about that.”
“When have you known me not to be right about something?”
That makes me laugh, the way he knew it would. I’ve been telling him his whole life that he’s too smart for his own good—and mine.
“Let’s get you settled for the night. As you used to tell us, it’ll be better in the morning.”
“That was bullshit. You know that, right?”
We share a smile that goes a long way toward soothing my battered soul. My son knows the worst of me and still loves me. Perhaps the others will, too. Perhaps even Stella will. The possibility that she won’t is more than I can bear to consider after this hellish day. I follow Flynn to the guest room, which has an adjoining bathroom.
“Thank you for everything today.”
He hugs me. “I know it’s hard not to think the worst at a time like this, but I refuse to believe there’s anything my amazing parents can’t get through together. Our room is across the hall if you need me for anything during the night.”
“I’ll be all right.”
“Come get me if you need me. I mean it.”
“I love you, son.”
“Love you, too. Get some rest.”
“I’ll try.”