Chapter 17 #3
I stopped in the street and spun around to face her. ‘We were! But then you went and lied about me getting married when I had, in fact, hoped to get married for real this year. Or had you forgotten?’
‘Of course I hadn’t forgotten.’
‘So what makes you think that spinning yet another one of your yarns – but this time about the worst thing that’s ever happened to me – would be a fun way to spend an afternoon?’
‘I—’
But I was on a roll now, and wouldn’t let her finish.
‘I don’t think you and Mum understand how hard this year has been for me.
My whole life fell apart when Will walked out, can’t you see that?
I’ve had to start from scratch. New home, new job, new city.
I’ve only got one friend left! It’s been so hard, but I’ve barely heard from either of you ever since it happened! ’
Anneka swallowed visibly before replying through gritted teeth, as if she was holding back a torrent of goodness-knows-what. ‘We’ve brought you to fucking New York, Flo; what else do you want us to do?’
‘Perhaps ask me how I’m feeling every once in a while? Or maybe even just pretend to be interested in how my life is going without him?’ I fought hard to hold the tears back, but failed miserably, as they cascaded down my face.
‘Oh, Flora…’ Anneka reached out her arms towards me and, as tempted as I was to collapse into them, I shook my head.
‘Please, Anneka, don’t. I know you and Mum thought bringing me here would be a nice gesture and all that, and there’s nothing but kindness in your intentions, but all I wanted to do this Christmas was chill out so I could gear myself up for whatever next year might decide to throw at me.
But here I am in one of the busiest places on the planet and I don’t even have a bed to lie on! I’m sleeping in a bloody bath!’
The edges of Anneka’s mouth curled up slightly. I knew we’d look back on all this and laugh about it in time, but that time was not now.
‘Please don’t turn this into a joke, Anneka.’
She raised her hands in self-defence. ‘Okay! But I guess I’m just confused at the sudden about-turn. One minute you’re talking about having the best night of your life and we’re having a laugh, and the next you seem to be on the edge of some kind of mental breakdown.’
‘You do realise I had an actual mental breakdown a few months ago? Like, Laurie was practically living with me at one point?’
Anneka looked down at her hands and fiddled with her long nails for a moment. ‘I mean, obviously it’s been rough, but this year hasn’t been plain sailing for me and Mum either, you know.’
‘But you didn’t even call me, Anneka! The first time I heard from you after the date of the wedding was when you wanted me to post about your garden waste ad on Instagram.’
‘Mum said you were doing fine.’
‘Of course she bloody did! She’s the world champion of sweeping feelings under the carpet.’
Anneka opened her mouth but shut it again, rubbing her lips together before finally speaking. ‘I think it’s fair to say that none of us are perfect, Flo.’
‘I’m not asking for perfection, I’m asking for just a tiny bit of understanding or empathy from either of you.
It feels like I’ve spent my whole life playing along with yours and Mum’s shenanigans.
But what’s the point of it all? Foraging in Central Park, for fuck’s sake?
It just feels like distraction after distraction so none of us ever has to have a meaningful conversation with each other.
It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. Why can’t our family just be fucking normal? ’
Anneka’s face burned with emotion. ‘Oh, I’m, so sorry that we’re not normal enough for you. Honestly, you know fuck all about all the sacrifices I’ve made for you over the years. Like, did you know I turned down a place at theatre school in London so I could help Mum look after you?’
The fuck?
‘I—’
She wouldn’t let me speak. ‘And don’t get me started on all the shit Mum’s been through that you have absolutely no idea about. Sure, you might not have asked to come on this trip, but I didn’t ask to become your co-parent less than a year after my dad died!’
‘At least you know who your dad was!’
I knew my words were the equivalent of pulling a pin out of a hand grenade, but I couldn’t stop them exploding out of my mouth like shrapnel. I turned on my heel outside the department store and started walking – to where I didn’t know. I just needed to not be looking at Anneka.
The longer I walked, the more the snow falling from the sky morphed into harsh, freezing rain.
Any remaining whiteness that clung to the surfaces of the city gradually gave way to New York’s regular hues of grey.
I took shelter in one of the countless ‘sidewalk sheds’ that Ethan had told me about yesterday – apparently they were the cheapest way to ensure falling debris from unmaintained building facades didn’t injure people. They were incredibly ugly structures.
I leaned against one of the scaffolding poles to catch my breath, glancing in the direction I’d just walked from, expecting to see Anneka.
But she was gone.