Chapter 19 #2
Will sighed loudly, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.
‘But can’t you see how even that was hard for me?
I felt under so much pressure in our relationship, Flora.
You constantly used to say how I was the only person you’d ever been able to rely on or trust – and at first that felt amazing to me, it really did.
I’d spent so much of my life being pitied and mollycoddled that being on the other side felt like freedom.
But I can see now how I – well, both of us – let that imbalance go too far.
And, I hate to say it, but it sometimes felt like I was your parent, not your partner. ’
I opened my mouth to defend myself, but no words came out.
Will kept going. ‘When things went to shit in June, I figured a clean break would do us both some good. I felt awful, I really did. But I wanted you to see that you are more than capable of standing on your own two feet.’
Little did he know that, ever since he’d left, I’d spent most of my time horizontal.
Until this week.
I inhaled and exhaled slowly before replying.
‘You need to know that you broke my heart that day. If you’d told me how you were feeling at any other point in our relationship, I would have listened, and tried to understand.
’ Would I have done? ‘But we were two days away from getting married, Will. It was practically our wedding day! I lost the person I needed the most at the very time I thought I could rely on them. It felt as if you’d died. ’
He looked up at me, eyes flashing. ‘You could have unblocked me at any time. You didn’t. That’s on you.’
Every part of me wanted to shut down, just like I’d done in the summer.
Instead, I sucked in a deep lungful of air through my nose, squeezed my eyes shut and tried to see the bigger picture.
Blocking Will had been about survival back then, so even though he was right to call me out on it, I didn’t regret how I’d handled our separation; I simply hadn’t been ready for this conversation.
Perhaps I still wasn’t ready all these months later.
But I guess if I didn’t try, I’d never know.
I opened my eyes and spoke as clearly as I could.
‘I never wanted you to see that speech, Will; you have to know that. I just had to get it out of my head. There was some really heavy stuff in there that must have been so hard for you to read. Writing it was the biggest mistake of my life, and I’m sorry. ’
‘I know you are. But thanks for saying it anyway. But none of this was about the speech, Flora. You must know that? That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.’
‘But I didn’t even know there was a camel! We could have talked it through, figured it all out!’
‘I really don’t think we could have done.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I know you too well, Flora! You’d have been devastated the moment I even hinted I was questioning our relationship, and then I’d have felt awful and minimised it to make you feel better, too terrified to ever bring it up again.’
‘You really believe that?’
He nodded as he spoke. ‘When you blocked me, it felt like a pretty clear message that you wanted some breathing space. And then it turned out that I needed that breathing space, too.’
‘Jumping into a relationship with someone else sounds like the opposite of “breathing space” to me, Will.’
He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. ‘I know.’
‘It just seems so… soon.’
‘I know,’ he repeated.
We slumped back in our respective chairs, the silence between us completely at odds with the bustling café full of excited tourists about to see – or having just experienced – one of the most iconic views in the world.
After a minute or so, Will spoke first. ‘You don’t need me to have a happy life, Flora. You are so fucking smart and funny. And you’re way less shy than you think you are. In a way, I always felt like you were destined for something bigger, like I was holding you back.’
I took his hands, just like the cellmate in a prison reunion scene would do, competing trails of tears making beelines for my chin. ‘That’s not true, Will.’
‘I think it is. I mean, look at you – you seem to be doing pretty well to me. Navigating New York with fancy shopping bags, painting your nails new colours, hugging random guys in Brooklyn bars…’
My mouth dropped open. ‘What random guys? What are you talking about?’
He removed his hands from under mine, tapped his screen a few times and passed his phone to me. ‘This guy. Who’s he, hmm?’
The photo of me and Ethan from a couple of nights ago stared back at me.
‘How did you even find this?’
‘Everyone always forgets about the “tagged” tab on Instagram.’
‘True.’
‘So? Who is he?’
That’s my Ethan.
‘He’s just someone I met a few days ago. I’ve been working on a speech with him.’
‘He’s a client?’
‘Kinda…?’
Will nudged my arm playfully with his fist. ‘See? You’re doing great!’
I could have taken his words as patronising bullshit, but I couldn’t help wondering whether he was right.
‘You really got to work when I unblocked you last night, huh?’ I said, sliding his phone back to him.
He flashed a tight, downward smile. ‘Where are your mum and sister, by the way?’
‘I’m meeting them here in about half an hour.’
‘I bet they freaked out when they found out I was here.’
‘I haven’t told them, actually. You know what they’re like.’
‘Yeah. But… you know they love you, right?’ He reached over the table and squeezed my forearm. I withdrew it into my lap.
‘Please, Will. Don’t.’
‘Don’t what?’
‘Fall back into that old habit of comforting me, or going into psychoanalysis mode. Like, I’m sure what you’re about to say is probably super-insightful and all that, but you’re the one who just said I’d become too dependent on you.’
‘Well, yeah, when we were a couple, but…’
‘But now we’re… what, exactly?’
‘I dunno, Flora! You asked me here, remember? I don’t have a clue what people are supposed to say to each other, or how they’re meant to behave, in this absolutely insane situation. Would you prefer me to yell at you; is that what you were expecting?’
‘Of course not. This is just… really hard.’
‘I know.’
Will glanced at his shiny new watch. ‘Look, I’m going to have to get going in a sec.’
‘You don’t want to stay for a drink or anything?’
‘No, I’m good – I’ve come straight from brunch. Wasn’t expecting the staff to jump up on the table and start singing, to be honest. It was all a bit much, but Briony seemed to enjoy it so…’
‘Briony.’
‘Yes, Briony. For what it’s worth, I didn’t go out of my way to fall in love with someone, you know.’
He’s in love with her.
‘You signed up to Hinge, Will! What did you think would happen? You’d meet up with people to swap DIY tips?!’
‘I was just trying something new. I was only looking for something casual.’
‘You’ve never been casual about anything in your whole life! Jesus, you wore a three-piece suit to your first university lecture!’
‘But that’s exactly the point! I needed to see where the wind took me for once in my life.’
‘The wind brought both of us here, as it happens.’
‘Yeah, what a crazy breeze. I’m glad it did, though.’
My eyes flicked up to his in surprise. ‘You are?’
‘Yeah. We needed to talk, didn’t we? And it feels oddly apt to have this conversation here, in New York.’
‘Oh. You mean, our last ever conversation?’
‘No! You’re so dramatic sometimes, Flor. Of course we’ll talk again! At the very least, we’re both Noah and Nancy’s godparents. But is this our last ever conversation about… us? Probably.’
I took a sip of my hot chocolate – now cold – allowing the sweetness of it to distract me from my sadness, which – I couldn’t help but notice – was no longer all-consuming devastation.
‘Were you ever in love with me, Will?’ My question took me by surprise, but Will didn’t seem shocked by it, clasping both my hands with his.
‘Flora. When we met, I cared about you more than anyone else I’d ever met in my life – and I knew for sure that you felt the same way about me. That meant so much to me. And our relationship had a lot of love attached to it.’
‘But how you feel about Briony is… different?’
Will opened his mouth and closed it again. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘The truth. Please.’
‘Okay. Yeah, how I feel about Briony is different. I’m sorry.’
I wiped away another tear. ‘Does she know about me? About the wedding?’
‘She knows everything.’
‘Right. This is going to sound strange but… can you tell me how it’s different?’
‘Jeez, Flora, are you sure you want to know?’
I nodded, because I wanted him to confirm what I already suspected.
‘Okay. Well, I guess the point is that I can’t tell you how it’s different, because the way I feel about Briony isn’t something I can easily summarise. Like, you know how you and me used to dissect every little thing about each other?’
‘Yeah, Anneka used to say that our relationship reminded her of how the characters in Dawson’s Creek used to talk to each other.’
‘Right?! Well, I’ve never done that with Briony. The feelings I have for her are just there. Like, they don’t need to be intellectualised into existence and there’s been no trauma-bonding or anything like that. Being with her just feels completely…’
‘Easy?’
‘Yes, that’s exactly it. She… likes the same games as me. We play them every night.’
I didn’t know it was possible to feel disappointment and an undeniable sense of release at the same time, yet here I was.
‘I understand.’
I really did. Because the words he used to describe being with Briony captured precisely how I felt about being with Ethan.
Even though I’d only known him for a few days, every second spent in his company didn’t make me feel safe and grounded in the way that life with Will had once felt.
Instead, being with him made me feel alive. It made me feel like me.
And that was the moment I knew I was in trouble.