Chapter 23 #2
After a beat of silence, the three of us burst into laughter, which had nothing to do with hilarity but everything to do with relief and release about everything today had thrown at us.
As the endorphins surged through my system, and all Mum’s revelations settled in my soul, it felt like my brain was rewiring itself.
I’d always known Mum had had a rough time when Joe died, but now I understood that she’d already been through the wringer long before that had even happened.
No wonder she’d always found it easier to bury her feelings – and when I’d arrived in the midst of her grief, having lost the person she’d sacrificed everything for, she’d had no choice but to keep going. And neither had Anneka.
I suddenly felt like the worst person in the world for begrudging them all the small cracks of joy they’d stubbornly carved out for themselves over the years – micro-acts of defiant optimism they’d always tried to involve me in.
Sure, neither of them was the most calming influence on my nervous system.
But, given the chance, they’d always opted to live life to the full, rather than wallowing in any sadness that must have threatened to overwhelm them over the years.
My constant eyerolling must have been tough for them. But never once did they lose their temper or force me to see things from their point of view. Maybe they should have done.
‘I wish I’d said this months ago, but I’m so sorry Will left you like that, Flora,’ Mum said quietly, once our laughter had subsided. ‘Have you seen him since it happened?’
Ha! Well, now they’re gonna lose their freakin’ minds.
‘Funny you should say that, because I saw him yesterday.’
‘What?!’ they shouted in unison.
‘Yep, he’s here. In New York.’
The dim room suddenly became illuminated by Mum flicking on a nearby lamp with her outstretched fingers, spotlighting the bed as if to signify an interrogation was about to occur. A range of single-word questions flew at me from both of them. ‘Where?’ ‘How?’ ‘Why?’
‘I met him in a coffee shop at the bottom of the Empire State Building yesterday. Turns out he’d planned to bring me to New York a year early for a surprise honeymoon.
But when he couldn’t cancel the tickets, he decided to bring his new girlfriend on the trip instead.
Laurie told me he was here after she saw him post on Instagram.
I messaged him and we arranged to meet.’
‘“New girlfriend”?! You couldn’t make this up!’ Mum exclaimed, even more colour returning to her cheeks.
‘Fuck, Flora. Are you okay?’ Anneka asked, resting one of her hands on my knee.
‘Yeah, I think I am, actually. We had a good chat, left on good terms.’
‘But he’s seeing someone already?’ Mum asked.
‘Yep. Her name is Briony and they met on Hinge, if you can believe that.’
‘Will Grewcock! On Hinge?! I didn’t think he had it in him,’ Anneka said. ‘What a sneaky little devil.’
‘Yeah but… he seems super happy.’
‘You don’t have to say that, you know,’ Mum said, frowning. ‘You can be honest with us.’
I shrugged. ‘I am being honest. It feels weird not to be angry at him anymore – I was furious for months, but – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – I’m kind of glad we waited until now to talk things through. And it felt fitting for us to have the conversation in New York, too.’
‘Wow, I’m proud of you, Flora,’ Anneka said. I rested my hand on hers, the charms of the bracelet she’d made for me brushing against her skin.
‘Well, at least one good thing’s come out of this bloody trip, then,’ Mum said, taking another swig of Gatorade.
‘Oh, I’d say on the whole it’s been well worth it,’ I said. ‘For me, at least. Thanks for dragging me out here. And… I’m sorry I’ve always resisted your attempts to fix my allergy to fun.’
‘You’ve never needed fixing, Flo!’ Mum said. ‘We just want you to feel free!’
‘Oh come on, I put a dampener on everything – always have done. You must have wished you’d had a less boring second child?’
‘“Boring”?’ Mum seemed genuinely flabbergasted. ‘When have we ever called you that?’
‘Well, never, but I kind of just assumed that was your overriding opinion of me.’
Mum and Anneka looked at each other, their mouths open in disbelief.
‘Sounds like we need to set the record straight, Mum,’ Anneka said. ‘Firstly, Flo, you were the funniest, cutest baby, ever.’
‘It’s true,’ Mum corroborated. ‘Everyone adored you, and no one more so than your big sister.’
Anneka ruffled my hair in the affirmative.
‘Sure, you had your issues at school, but didn’t we all,’ Mum said. ‘But you never lost your essence, my love. You’ve always been unashamedly you. And I’ve always admired that. We both have. And then you left for university and, well, Anneka can take over from here.’
‘We were heartbroken when we got back home after dropping you off, Flora. Mum locked herself in her room for about two days and I slept in your room for about a month. The place didn’t feel like home without you there.’
‘But you… never told me any of this.’
‘Of course we didn’t! We didn’t want you to feel bad!
’ Anneka said. ‘And then you met Will, and you seemed so settled and you just… never really came home after that. It was hard for us, Flo. But we understood you needed to walk your own path. You always have done. And then we got the call from Laurie about the wedding being called off.’
‘Right in the middle of your cancer treatment, I bet?’ I said, looking at Mum.
‘Well, yes, but… oh, never mind.’
‘But what, Mum…?’ I prompted.
Mum stole a glance at Anneka, who shrugged. Apparently, this was the only consent Mum needed to keep talking. ‘But when I found out about the wedding, I couldn’t help but feel a little… relieved, love.’
‘Relieved?! What do you mean?’
‘Oh, it’s all coming out wrong,’ Mum said. ‘Anneka?’
Anneka took my hands and looked into my eyes intently before speaking. ‘The longer you were with Will, the more your in-built light seemed to get dimmer and dimmer.’
‘So you’re basically saying you’re happy he walked out on me?’
‘No! Absolutely not. We were so sad for you. But we also wondered whether, in the longer term, it might help you find your way back to yourself.’
‘And back to us,’ Mum added.
I wouldn’t be here, with my family, in this faraway city, if the wedding had gone ahead.
Talk about a truth-bomb.
‘Oh. I see.’