Chapter 5.
‘Christian’
Sleeping as a human is uncomfortable.
It doesn’t smell like Christian.
It’s foreign and cold.
So every day since I arrived, I’ve taken to shifting into a cat and sleeping under the bed until dawn.
With the early morning light now filtering through the room, I stretch and yawn before padding out from under the large bed and shifting back into Christian’s body.
It’s been twelve days since the death of the Adler Squad, and still no sign of this Aster fellow I’m supposed to meet. Every time I ask about him, Reuben just tilts his head and tells me not to worry—that he’ll initiate me soon—but the more time passes, the more nervous I’m becoming.
For the time being, he's allowed me to train with the team and the sparring sessions have been... interesting. I can’t move as well as the old Christian did.
.. but I’m getting the hang of it the more time I spend in his body.
It’s all about watching for minute movements—seeing your opponent’s move before he makes it.
Then from there you can either attack or defend.
I just have to be careful not to mess up like I did in the grocery with Xavier; turns out, identifying the number of men based on the sound of their bullets isn’t… ‘normal’.
And I have to be normal if I want to pull this off.
The door swings open and my heart jumps out of my chest as my attention snaps towards the doorway.
Reuben stands tall over the threshold, and the panic is so strong in my throat, I can't even greet him. Stray strands of black hair escape his ponytail to frame his face, falling across midnight eyes but there isn’t any sign of his usual smile.
No hint of amusement in his face, no strange charm as he watches me.
.. Just a grim expression, that makes it just a bit hard to breathe.
A moment sooner and he would’ve seen me shifting.
A rookie fucking mistake.
I almost blew everything just because of a stupid bed that’s hard to get used to.
From the start, it should’ve been obvious that I shouldn’t shift inside the house—
“Christian.” Reuben steps towards me, and when I refocus, he's watching me curiously.
For a moment, I'm sure he'll come closer, but he doesn't, he only hovers there, over the threshold.
A black tracksuit hugs his body tightly, with a collar that rises to his neck, and a zipper pulled up right beneath his collarbone.
“I’m not here to frighten you, estrellito.” His voice is like soft rain over my thoughts. It’s strange. “Aster wants to see you.”
My assessment.
That means it’s now.
My panic eases, but it's replaced by something else. A new... anxiety?
My palms are sweaty but I’m sure to keep my emotions off my face as Reuben turns away, “Get dressed. Nothing fancy.”
I don’t have time to apply Christian’s usual morning routine, I wash my face and rinse my mouth quickly, before throwing on a long-sleeved shirt, black pants and the closest pair of socks.
Christian’s ring gives me just a bit of comfort around my neck, and I hesitate in the doorway as I rack my brain for anything I might need.
“Do I bring anything?” I ask tentatively.
“You don’t need to.”
“Then I’m ready.”
Reuben looks back at me once, with complex emotions behind his eyes, and it only enhances my nervousness. It’s the first time I realize how much I want to be a part of his team... and not just because of the Adler Squad.
It’d been a short time, so I’d only caught the barest of glimpses… but maybe Dahlia was right.
Maybe this could be my second home.
That is, if I don't make any more ridiculous mistakes.
“Thank you.” The words tumble from me softly, and I don’t break my gaze away from his, “For giving me a chance… and seeing whatever it is you saw in me… Thanks, Reuben.”
Something strange happens then. It’s only for a moment, but he holds his breath just a bit too long. He just—stares at me, before turning away, without a word. My brows furrow, but I brush it off as I follow after him, digging into my resolve.
This is my only chance.
If I want to continue being Christian Adler, then my only option is to live up to this Aster’s expectations.
The morning air is frigid against my skin as Reuben leads me out of the house, towards the inner wall and past the guards on duty.
Their shift must have just started, because I can still see the sleep lines on their faces, but their eyes lock on us intently, until I can feel them against my back even as we walk away.
The paved road to the outer wall cuts through the trees cleanly, but the scents, sounds and shadows of the forest no longer fill me with unease, and my feet almost take me onto the team’s invisible jogging route, until Reuben veers sharply to the right, through a full thicket of shrubs.
He’s following another invisible route in his mind, one I don’t know, so I can only follow after him in silence, mentally preparing myself for an ambush of some kind.
I almost run into his back when he stops suddenly in front of me.
Before I can ask what's going on, unfamiliar men are stepping out of the trees ahead, and my heartbeat quickens.
I’m instinctively backing away to put distance between us and them, when two figures are thrown to the ground in front of me, making my blood freeze over.
Somehow, the morning air becomes even more chilly against my skin, until small bumps are rising along my arms, and there’s a strange sensation pooling low in my stomach for the first time, causing me to pull on that inexpressive mask like a guard.
The two kids from the grocery store huddle together like they had the first time I saw them. The girl is clinging to her brother with wide eyes, while the brother holds her protectively and glares at me.
And I think it’s the first time I recognize dread—a new emotion paralyzing my limbs and making my throat tight.
“‘Stay off the streets and don’t show your faces in the neighbourhood for a while’.” One of the men steps forward, speaking in a deep voice, and I know who he is without being told.
Reuben’s eldest brother, Aster Taiga.
The Underboss of the Taiga family.
“Those were your words when you let the kids escape, right?” Aster asks with a raised brow.
The left side of his hair is slicked back while the right side curls about his face, and a grey suit hugs tightly to toned muscle and tattooed skin, exposed to the air from the undone buttons of his shirt and snaking up to his neck and ear.
But it’s the disinterested look in his eyes and the sheer weight of his presence in the space that makes me hold my tongue and remain silent.
“Because of that, it took me a lot longer than necessary to find them.” Aster puts his hands in his pockets casually but the motion is enough for me to step back to put more distance between us.
The reason the assessment took so long—
Was because Aster had been looking for the kids who escaped.
The kids who’d seen mine and Reuben’s faces.
The kids I’d helped escape.
I want to tell him he could’ve let them be. That they wouldn’t have said anything. That this could’ve easily been swept under the rug.
But that’s not the kind of world Syndicate is.
And that’s not at all the kind of world Christian lived in.
So I say nothing. I say nothing and I keep my emotions off my face, like I’d practiced. Anything to hide the rampaging beat of my heart beneath my skin.
“It also taught me a lot about who you are,” Aster nods to one of the other men, who walks toward me and I have to fight the instinct this time not to step back.
Until he holds out a small gun towards me.
And this time, it’s a feeling worse than dread spreading throughout my veins.
“But now you need to show me what you can be,” Aster’s voice is cold in the air. “What my brother needs you to be.”
I thought Reuben needed a protector… not a killer.
Christian was both. He killed to protect. He was never malicious. Never unjust. The enemies of his friends were his enemies as well… and enemies needed to be killed. I understood that.
But children aren’t enemies.
In my mind’s eye, I can see the children from my home. Our children are precious. They’re our future. They’re meant to be protected.
Were things really that different on earth?
Was it not the same for ‘people’?
I can feel a new, sharp sensation in my stomach for the first time as I stare at the pistol in the stranger’s hand.
Nausea.
That too, I keep hidden. Guarded.
I know what they want me to do, but…
What about Reuben?
I find myself looking towards Reuben, for what I don’t know, guidance? Help? Just moments ago, I would’ve done anything I needed to, to join his team.
Anything but this.
But Reuben has already joined his brother’s side. And now he only watches me. Waiting.
And there’s no way this could be my second home.
There’s no way because the moment I stop holding back I’m sure I’ll grab the gun and shoot him between the eyes right now.
Aside from Reuben and Aster, there are five more men in the space, two on each side of the kids, two behind me to block off my escape and the man before me right now holding out the small pistol.
I’d need seven bullets.
And my gut is telling me this gun isn’t hiding seven bullets.
Reuben’s brow raises, as if he can guess my thoughts, but I ignore him for now.
If I do manage to kill everyone here, what happens then? Do I take the kids and run? How far would I possibly get for killing the Don’s two sons?
And if I make that choice, I’ll be ruining Christian’s name…
And the name of every man on the Adler Squad.
That thought destroys every notion I have of running away.
It freezes me to the spot… reminds me why I’m here.
I’m not here to find a new home…
I’m not here to find a new Christian—I’m not here to save anyone at all.
I’m here to extend the Adler Squad’s legacy.
That thought is what makes me slide my palm over the gun. It drives me to hold the destructive thing in my hands and put my finger on the trigger.
The man who offered it steps back onto that invisible line, closing the wall around me as I hold the gun at my side.
I’m trying to convince myself it’ll be just like when I took that man’s life that night, the driver I’d forced to take me to Dahlia’s place. I’d threatened him by holding a gun to his head then, and to cover up the truth about myself I put a bullet in his head.
This is the same.
“If you hadn’t saved them we wouldn’t need to do this,” Aster offers quietly.
“If I hadn’t saved them, they’d be dead.” The words escape me before I can stop them.
“Exactly,” Aster’s smile makes my blood churn. “Now you’re just putting the world right again.”
“And this proves what?” I ask bravely, but the words sound hollow in my ears, “That I’d do whatever it takes to join the Taiga family?”
“It proves you’ll leave yourself behind to protect Reuben,” Aster’s eyes narrow. “That is the only way I’ll allow you into the main family.”
I don’t see Reuben being much of a leader if two kids are going to be a threat to him—
A new realization makes me pause and my thoughts kick into high gear.
Because he was in that aisle too. He helped me protect the kids during the shooting. If he wanted them dead, he’d have shot them himself.
Reuben’s expression is unreadable for the first time. Usually I can read his thoughts like a book, no matter how crazy or obnoxious, so this time it can’t be coincidence.
Christian’s eyes never failed him when it came to people. He would always boast about them—about how good he was at reading others. Everett was the first and last time his eyes failed him. If I want to avoid repeating that mistake then I need to make sure my eyes never fail me.
It’s a long time before my eyes leave Reuben’s. I’m going through our every interaction. Combing through what I’d come to learn about him over the course of seven days. About what made me want to make this squad my second home.
I can only hope my eyes aren’t failing me as I raise the barrel of the gun towards the kids.
My breath seems to hang on the weight of this moment. My limbs feel heavier than they’ve ever been for the first time since impersonating Christian Adler. I’m clenching my teeth so tightly my gums hurt.
“I’m sorry.” My words are meant for the kids only.
This moment is only for us, because I’m not sure how the next few seconds are going to go.
But the boy’s glare has softened and his voice is braver than last time as he hugs his sister tighter, ducking her head down into his chest, so she won’t have to see, “… You tried.”
I did. It’s a different kind of taste in my mouth knowing that he doesn’t blame me.
And two shots go off in the air, frightening the birds that’d settled into the trees.