Chapter 9. #2
Still, Reuben’s presence—his silence—comforts me as I cry, silently. His hand never leaves my face—his thumb never tires from trying to wipe away my tears… and it is a warmth I didn’t expect. A warmth I may or may not have leaned into, in my moment of weakness.
It’s hard to tell when the agony finally eases into something bearable. I’m still on the job, so I can’t exactly spend all night crying down here… but though the tears dry up prematurely, I still do feel lighter. Less fractured.
“Tell me about them,” Reuben’s words break the silence after a long time.
I still don’t feel like forgiving him, so for now I remain silent.
“Your team,” Reuben urges me quietly. “Tell me about them.”
I’m not certain if it’s a request or an order, but I know somehow, I’m not ready. He can push me to the brink—get me to cry and grieve… But he can’t get me to talk. Not yet.
“Christian.” His voice is sharper. More insistent. More desperate. “It's been more than a month. I've been waiting for you to tell me about them... we all have.”
In my mind's eye I can see Tobias and Xavier. Even Gabriel had become less of a boar over the weeks... but somehow, I hadn't really noticed until now.
“But you just keep going and going and going,” he huffs a bitter laugh. “I’m almost convinced I'll be sending you back to them in a few days... back to the Adler Squad.”
I close my eyes tightly against the mention of them.
The Adler Squad.
A squad I can’t even call mine.
How would I even begin to talk about them?
“Most people who survive a tragedy like that can't even hold a weapon,” Reuben continues hesitantly, “I’ve seen it. It builds up until an expert marksman can’t even look at a gun without freezing up…
But Christian I've never seen you cry. I've never seen you get angry or raise your voice. 6 weeks, and no one knows what you like, what you hate, or the names of the people you love, the people you lost.”
There’s a sad smile to his words, “We like you. You’re good for the team, I see how you’re pulling them along… making them better. But the more you pretend you’re okay… The more I’m watching you break.”
I’m not even sure if I’m breathing anymore.
“So tell me about them.” There’s an emotion in Reuben’s voice I’ve never heard before... a worry that has never been reserved for me, the outsider. “Tell the team. Talk to us.”
The pain bleeding out of my chest has lessened. For weeks, there’s been a wound there I can't see. A wound I've tried to physically find over and over again. One that’s only been getting bigger and bigger, forcing me to find Christian's face in mirrors and hear their voices in my memories.
And for the first time, it's making me open my mouth, “I've never once... lost anything.”
Reuben is quiet as he listens.
“Because I’ve never had anything in the first place. The Adler Squad was the first and only thing I had.” My eyes blur again. My voice a crushed whisper, “But now they're not here. Now… I'm back to having nothing.”
It's like the world is spinning and I'm the only constant. The only one standing still.
1,323 days, and suddenly I'm right back at the start, further away now more than ever from my dream of living as one of them.
Of living as myself.
“But even though they're gone, I see them. Lingering in memories and corners and wide open spaces and reflections. I can't tell if they're screaming or raving, or cursing or hating or blaming—”
Reuben pulls my head into his collar as I begin to ramble, trying to steady me, and the world tilts on its axis for a single moment.
His scent is soothing to my senses. A mix of coffee and… I’ve finally recognized the second scent that clings to him. It’s the scent of the trees around the Taiga estate—the scent of pine.
I feel ashamed for burying my head deeper into his neck. For allowing him to see such a broken side of me.
“Reuben, I'm all that's left,” my voice breaks, my fingers are gripping his shirt tightly, “and I’m…”
I’m…
Nothing.
No one.
An impostor with Christian’s face.
“Eres mia,” Reuben’s voice carries a tone of finality, though I have no idea what he could be saying.
“You’re my people now,” He says firmly, pulling me away to grab my chin with his palm and pull my eyes up this forcefully.
“Maybe you’re all that’s left, but I didn’t get to know the people you love.” There’s an unwavering glint in his dark eyes that makes my eyes widen, “so to me, you’re all that matters. You’re one of mine.”
His words cut straight through me, into that place that hurts the most—injecting a warmth into my invisible wounds that I never expected.
“We may not be your Adler Squad,” he gives me a comforting smile, rubbing his thumb across my cheeks again, “but we’re something. So don't say you don't have anything.”
I would never have thought you could be so… gentle.
But Reuben… “If you're all I have left, then it doesn’t matter if I break.” I pull away from him, avoiding his gaze as I get to my feet. The warmth he’s given me, even though it’s comforting, it’s frightening. It makes me realize how much of me he’s seen.
And it’s all the pieces of me that aren’t Christian.
I’m so exhausted emotionally, that it’s easier to put on the mask I’m used to. To hide the remnants of my grief deep inside me.
He stands, reaching for me, but I smack his hand away before he can, instantly putting distance between us. He starts, “Christian—”
“I have to show you why it was me.” I cut him off solemnly, rubbing the tearstains away from my cheeks, with a hard expression. “I won't make a mistake. And I'll use my life to show you and this team the worth of the Adler Squad.”
I turn to open the door, before hesitating with my fingers on the handle.
“But if you insult them again, it’s me who won’t hesitate to shoot you between the eyes, Reuben Taiga.”