Chapter 27.
‘Christian’
That night I dream of Reuben.
I don’t remember much of it, but I know it was the sweetest dream I’d ever had; I’d woken up feeling gooey and sweet on the inside, and I could feel tearstains across my face.
I’ve tried desperately to put space between us these past few weeks… I’ll be ending my time as Christian Adler soon. I don’t want to burrow any deeper into his skin than I already have.
But everywhere I turn, I see him.
My phone buzzes close by and I turn to reach for it, across the table. Last night was another one of Lucia’s attempts to acclimate me to alcohol… yet I feel more broken up than usual.
I’m still half-asleep and trying to gather my bearings when I answer the call, “Christian.”
There’s a single moment of silence on the other line before a familiar voice filters through.
“We need to talk.”
Reuben’s low voice makes me freeze.
He sounds tired. Like he hasn’t slept. The sound of his voice tickles my insides in both a bad and good way. Maybe… even now, I'm dreaming of him.
“Reuben?” I call out to him, still sleep-addled and there’s a long pause on the line before he releases his breath.
“Good morning, baby.” The tenderness in his voice, that nickname—it blends into last night’s dream and overlaps with all those mornings—of waking up beside him, flush against his skin and tucked tightly into his arms, with his lips on the back of my neck.
I shut my eyes tight against the wave of emotion.
“What's wrong?” I try to sound unaffected. Calm. “Did something happen?”
“... Space isn’t working for us.”
My pulse staggers.
No.
No, it has to.
“It is,” I lie. “I'm getting better.”
“No. It’s not.” He sounds so sure of it. His voice is a sudden wave of reason that makes me bite my lip.
“The family is meeting at the mansion today,” he says.
I remember. It’s the day when Reuben’s family gathers from all over—a reunion of sorts and a tradition they keep every year. Everyone with the Taiga name will be there, in the afternoon, to spend time together outside of business.
“But after that…” he sounds tense on the other line. Anxious. “We need to talk. Properly. I'm not letting you run anymore.”
Fuck.
No, I can’t let that happen.
“Reuben, you promised—”
“I love you.”
My breath catches.
My lungs fail and my heart suddenly feels… raw.
“I love you.” He repeats the words slowly, as though he knows it’s unravelling me. His voice is seeping into all the crevices of me that ache for him.
“And I know you love me, baby.” The sound of his smile is excruciating and maybe… maybe I’m still dreaming.
I’d think so if my eyes and my heart weren’t fucking stinging.
“So give us a chance,” he whispers. “A real chance. Talk to me. Help me understand what you’re going through. The Adler Squad. Your goals. Tell me about yourself. What’s hurting you. What’s breaking you… You haven’t once thought about letting me in seriously. You haven’t even tried.”
I blank.
My throat is tight. My chest hurts.
Have I ever once considered… telling Reuben the truth?
Have I really never taken Reuben seriously?
I just assumed… I assumed the worst, but what if…
What if…
No. I shut the thought down quickly, because it’s not just crazy. It’s delusional.
How could I expect him to accept me?
What I am… isn’t something he can understand.
“I want to try.” His words clash against my doubts. Against the most important rule I ever made.
Never shift in front of people.
Never tell them what you are.
Ever.
The silence between us is stifling.
“I know there’s something you’re not telling me.” He’s talking to himself at this point. Trying to convince me. “I know it’s hurting you. It’s why you’re putting distance between us… I want to try… so give us a real chance.”
His words are echoing in my head.
If… if we could be something real… something real…
It’s delusional… but it’s too late. The possibility is suddenly there, taking up every corner of my mind.
“What if…” I finally find the courage to voice my thoughts, “I tell you everything, and you… you can't accept it?” Am I really considering this? I’ve watched enough movies to know how this will go.
“What if you turn on me?” I ask.
“Is that what you’re afraid of, baby?" He chuckles softly, and even that spreads a warmth across my chest, reminding me just how much I’ve missed him.
“That's easy. Then shoot me. In both knees. Fuck me up. Make me regret it."
A surprised laugh makes it past my lips.
It feels unfamiliar. New.
“I should've expected that.”
“You should always expect violence from me,” he huffs but I can hear the smile in his voice and my thoughts are suddenly tinged with hope.
All these days, months, years and I've only ever considered the worst case of my secret ever being found out.
Being shot at. Being run out. Reuben hating me.
I thought I could blend in as people and keep my secret quiet forever.
But I’ve never once considered... the best case.
What if I tell him the truth and he still chooses me?
What if I don’t have to be anyone else?
What if I can just be… myself?
The thought is like a flower of hope blooming in my chest. It’s like I opened the door to something precious—something possible. Something I’d never once dared to consider since coming to this world.
Maybe it's okay if I stop living as and for Christian Adler…
Maybe... I can finally live as me.
And we can be together.
“I'll do it, you know,” my voice sounds small. “I'll really shoot you if you piss me off.”
“It'd be long overdue, I think.”
Reuben, you…
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of all the things that could go wrong.
But... but if it goes right? I didn’t know I could want something so much. Could yearn for it so desperately, I feel it through every pore of my skin, ringing through my nerves and vibrating my insides.
“... Fine.” I give in with a soft voice, but the beating of my heart is wild and loud in my ears. “After the party. We'll talk.”
It's a soft promise; one that could either end really well… or really badly.
But he’s right. If I keep running, if I don’t try… I'll never know what we could have been.
I’ll always wonder if it was possible.
“Fuck,” the breath he releases is so full of relief, my spine tingles. It’s as though he was at the edge of a cliff with my gun to his head, and I finally decided not to pull the trigger.
“Fuck, baby,” the sound of his breathless voice is unbelievably sexy in my ears. If he was here, I would’ve kissed him.
I would’ve begged him to fuck me making that sound.
“Yes. Okay. Okay,” he says finally, “I won’t let you take that back.”
I release a breath through my nose, “Just this once… I’ll let you cuff me if I try to run.”
“I'll walk with two—three,” he corrects himself, “three cuffs.”
Crazy bastard.
We both hover on the line, neither of us wanting to go, and it’s so... crazy that the world feels brighter. That I could be so hopeful.
My emotions are on my tongue, and it takes every ounce of effort not to let them spill out. Not to ramble.
“I'll see you soon,” my goodbye is gentle. A single splinter holding back the tide threatening to spill from my lips and his response is just as hopeful. Just as tender.
“Soon.”
When I hang up, I feel… anxious. Like a thousand bees are buzzing around inside me.
No, never mind I feel nauseous.
Fuck, what did I just agree to?
I hear the shuffling of feet, and when I look around, Lucia is waddling into the living room to collapse onto the couch opposite me, wearing long pajama pants and a baggy, long-sleeved shirt.
I ignore her morning groaning before gathering my courage.
“Lucia,” I start slowly, “realistically speaking. If I weren’t human, how freaked out would you be?”
Lucia turns her head, squinting at me with an expression that says, ‘what fuckery are you really asking me at 7 am?’.
“Are you still drunk?”
“I'm not,” I growl.
“I'm not awake enough for this kind of question.”
“Then wake the fuck up.”
She groans as she slides from the couch to the floor dramatically, but I'm used to her shenanigans by now.
These past few weeks, she's really gotten better.
“So what,” she finally answers, still half-asleep, “like a monster? A demon?”
“... A shape-shifter. From a different planet.”
I didn't think her face could contort even more, “The fuck?”
I ignore her confusion, “Would it scare you?”
“… Who the fuck wouldn't be scared of a shape-shifting alien?”
... Good point.
“Personally though,” even with her eyes still closed from sleep, she grins at me, “I’m not afraid of any bitch who gets drunk on white wine.”
I grab the nearest pillow and throw it violently so it smacks her in the face. “You passed out too, dumbass.”
She snorts, “I don't kill people for a living. You should be ashamed.”
I throw another pillow.
I never would've expected Lucia to be... my door of normalcy.
The time I spend with her is a breath of fresh air after stepping out of Reuben’s world.
No guns. No knives. No people to kill. No people trying to kill me.
No one to protect—though once or twice when we've gone out, some guys suddenly find the nerve and I have to step in front of her and tell them fuck off.
Granted, she can do it herself.
It's just faster when I do it.
Christian’s build isn't something you choose to fuck with.
“I have to get ready to go meet the kid,” I tell her.
She hums, having gathered up both pillows now to rest them under her head, eyes still closed.
“The Taiga party is today, right?”
“Supposed to be,” I confirm. “Kai’s mom asked me to meet with him and take him out for a few hours so he can relax beforehand. Apparently, he gets really tense.”
“… So you’re babysitting today?”
“… I’m babysitting right now, aren’t I?”
It’s her turn to throw a pillow at me, and I let her have her win. For now. During breakfast, she senses how jittery and nervous I am, but she doesn’t pry.