36. Laney
The room is too bright.
Sunlight presses against the backs of my eyelids, telling them to open.
I don’t want to. I hadn’t ever wanted to open them again.
From somewhere nearby comes a steady beeping.
A hospital monitor of some kind. I remember what happened almost instantly, and my heart sinks.
It didn’t work. How could it not have worked?
Did I not press deeply enough? Was the cut not long enough? Had I not taken enough pills?
Before I’ve even opened my eyes, I feel the wetness of a tear slide down my cheek.
A male voice comes from near my head.
“She’s crying. Why is she crying?” His tone changes, directed toward me now. “Laney? Baby-girl? Are you awake?”
It’s Reed. Maybe I should be happy that he’s here, but I’m not. I don’t want him to see me like this. Does he know what I did, or tried to do? He must, if he’s here. Someone must have called him—he’s my next of kin, after all.
I’m embarrassed, humiliated, and the sadness residing deep in my soul hasn’t gone anywhere.
Someone takes my hand, the grip firm and warm.
It’s Darius. “Laney, can you hear us? Can you open your eyes?”
But I don’t want to. More than anything, I just want to vanish. This is even worse than before.
Are all three of them here? I’ve let them down so badly.
Did the press follow them? God only knows what they’ll be writing about us now.
I can’t bring myself to open my eyes because then I’ll have to look into theirs and see the pain and disappointment I’ve caused.
I already have so much pain inside me. I’m not strong enough to bear their load, too.
I hear a doctor or nurse’s voice, speaking in low tones. I pick up on a couple of words. Suicide risk.
Yes, I guess I am, and I can’t even find it in me to care. Why didn’t they let me die? It would have been easier that way.
As much as I might want to, I can’t lie here with my eyes shut forever. I have to face them.
I force open my eyes, squinting against the bright light.
“She’s awake!” Cade shouts.
Reed squeezes my hand. “Christ, Laney. You gave us one hell of a scare. How are you feeling?”
I feel like shit—mentally, emotionally, and physically.
“Water?” I ask. “I need some water.”
They spring into action, probably happy to have something practical to do. Reed lifts a small paper cup to my lips. It’s blissfully chilled and helps to soothe my sore throat and wet my lips and tongue.
I push the cup away and fall back onto my pillow. “Thank you.”
Darius takes my other hand and lowers his head to press his forehead against it. “Don’t ever do that again.”
I don’t reply. Reed and Darius are seated on either side of me, but Cade hasn’t even sat down. He doesn’t even seem to be able to bring himself to look at me.
“You were going to leave us?” Cade paces back and forth past the window. His jaw is clenched, the muscles ticking. “How could you do that to us?”
“I was doing you a favor.”
“No!” he rages. “No, you fucking weren’t. What would we all do without you? You think our lives would be better, somehow? Fuck that. How could you ever think such a thing?”
“It’s true.”
“No, it fucking isn’t. Would you say the same if I tried to kill myself, or Darius? Would you say any of us were better off?”
I shake my head against the pillow. “It’s not the same thing.”
“Yes, it is. I never took you for a fucking coward, Laney.”
“Cade, that’s enough,” Reed warns. “She doesn’t need this.”
“No, he’s right. I am a coward. I’m not brave, or anything else you think about me. The person you’ve built me up to be in your mind is not the same person I am in real life.”
Reed brushes my hair away from my face. “You’re you , Laney.
That’s all we ever want you to be. Just for you to be who you are, one hundred percent.
The good, the bad, and the ugly. No matter what struggles you might be going through, if you’re at your strongest or your weakest. It doesn’t matter to us.
We love you. We will always be here for you, no matter what’s going on in the outside world.
You are the most important thing to us.”
“I’ve let you down so much.”
“No, you haven’t. We let you down. We should have seen how much pain you were in and stepped in sooner. We should never have stayed away.”
“He’s right,” Cade says. “I’m sorry. I’m angry with myself as much as anything.”
The three of them crowd around my bed.
They bury their faces into me—my neck, my chest, my stomach.
I reach for them, making sure to touch all of them, running my fingers through their hair, feeling the solid muscle of the backs of their necks, the breadth of their shoulders.
My chest swells with emotion, and fresh tears slip down my cheeks.
I don’t know what I’ve ever done in my life to deserve these three, but I’m so grateful to them.
“You’re not alone in this world, Laney,” Reed continues to reassure me. “Not anymore. It doesn’t matter if you depend on us, because we depend on you, too. That’s what happens when you love someone, when you need someone. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“What are we going to do about the press?” I ask. “They’re going to keep coming.”
“They won’t,” Darius says. “They’ll get bored of this story soon enough, I promise.”
I choke back a sob. “It doesn’t feel that way. There must be more interesting things going on than us.”
Cade gives me a rueful smile. “Maybe not right now, but there will be.”
Reed sits up straight. “They know now, so there’s no point in trying to hide away.
I’m going to tell the world the truth—that I love you, and we’re both consenting adults who can do what they want.
I’ll stand on the top of the Hollywood sign and shout it to the whole city if that’s what it takes.
No one is ever going to make me feel like I have to hide our love again. ”