Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“SQUEEZE IT SLOWER,” STONE suggested from behind Sully’s right shoulder, words heating low in his gut, distracting him from the biting cold.
He was talking about the trigger of the pistol.
Not that Sully’s cock much cared, it perked up anyhow.
The frustration of the poor shots he’d been making suddenly less pressing.
He followed Stone’s instructions, tightened his overlapping grip on the handle, lined up the sights and slowly squeezed. The pop of the pistol firing and the empty cartridge ejecting hardly penetrated his concentration; he missed the wooden target again. “Fuck.”
Firing accurately with a pistol was so much harder than with the rifle he was used to. With that he was an excellent shot. Learning to shoot the rifle had taken practice too, but the hope his experience would translate to an ease with pistols was profoundly mistaken.
“It takes time,” Stone said, sympathetically. Which made it so much worse. “You should have seen how awful I was.”
“Like you’ve ever been less than perfect at anything in your whole entire life,” Sully muttered, then squeezed the trigger twice in a row before Stone could respond. One dinged the edge of the target, splinters shattering outward. Oh. Was he actually getting better?
“Try widening your stance, and straighten up, you’re leaning slightly back.” Stone’s voice was cool and calm.
Sully corrected himself, fired again, cursed again.
The slide stayed back as he needed a fresh magazine.
Silently, Stone handed him a new one and took the one he ejected, their fingers brushing.
Even through gloves, Sully couldn’t pretend he didn’t feel a tingling flush of warmth travel up his arm at the contact.
“Keep going. I brought plenty for practice.” Stone didn’t sound the least bit affected, but Sully knew better. An enticing electricity crackled between them. Sully couldn’t decide if he loved or hated it.
In twenty minutes Sully hit the target twice more and winged it once.
Grinning, Stone cuffed him on the shoulder after the last shot struck home.
He seemed so happy and carefree, Sully’s chest clenched.
If it wasn’t for the olive drab uniform and service cap perched on his head, he’d look exactly like he had that night on La Salle with his emotions all there on his face for anyone to see.
Shining like a beacon of light and hope that Sully had been helplessly drawn to. He still was. Inescapably.
Then Stone seemed to remember himself. His smile dimmed, and the joyful bubbling in the air around them quieted, though it didn’t vanish entirely. “Excellent work. See, you are improving.”
Sully lifted a critical brow. His arms were tired from holding them out in front of him and absorbing the recoil, his fingers beginning to cramp with cold and tension. He was an abysmal shot so Stone’s cheery optimism grated. “Wouldn’t call that improvement. Luck more than anything, I bet.”
“I beg to disagree. With some more practice you’ll be in excellent shape. That’s enough for today, however. Much more and you’ll be too sore. We need you in top form tomorrow.”
Sully grunted, flicked the safety on his pistol and slid it into the holster at his waist. He missed the weight of his rifle.
It was familiar, and he was used to reaching for it in a crisis.
Knew if he had it, he could be counted on to make the shot.
He also knew it was impractical for their mission.
Besides, it was unlikely he’d be using a firearm if all went according to plan.
And if it came down to it, he’d just have to hope he would be close enough not to miss.
“Come on.” Stone nodded back down the path they’d trudged down, away from the house, earlier.
The snow and crispy grass beneath crunched under their boots.
“We’ll go over the mission once more before supper, and then everyone can do as they wish for the evening.
Some time to relax should do you good. We’ve kept you rather busy the last two days. ”
“Yeah, okay,” Sully grumbled, lacing his fingers together and stretching them out in front of him to relieve some of the discomfort as they walked.
He needed to respond to the letter he’d gotten from Anne.
She gushed about a boy Edie had introduced her to.
His overprotective first reaction was to warn her to be careful and behave, but saying so would have the opposite effect.
Anne was nothing if not contradictory. So he’d ask questions and try not to worry overmuch. Ha.
Maybe he should write Edie a letter begging her to keep an eye on things.
“Do you feel prepared?” Stone asked as they crested the slope behind the house.
“Hmm?”
“For tomorrow. Is there anything you think you need that we haven’t addressed?”
Sully blinked twice in rapid succession. Commanding officers didn’t ask him what he needed. He was used to being told to make do. Actually, he was used to not asking for things at all because he wouldn’t receive them anyway.
Was there anything he needed?
“I…uh…”
Elliot stopped and faced him, so Sully stopped too.
There was a determination in Elliot’s mood that he couldn’t interpret.
“I realize you’re still angry with me, that’s fine.
I can live with it as long as you know you’re still able to ask me for anything you require.
You cannot do your job if you do not have the things you need, so if there’s anything please ask. ”
Was Sully still angry? He didn’t think so.
His anger never lasted long. It burned hot and fizzled out quickly, leaving him full of regret more often than not.
He was tired, volatile. At night, half-remembered nightmares and memories blended together in gory combination, but he couldn’t ask for help with that.
Couldn’t make himself admit he was wrong, that he needed Elliot to make his bad dreams go away.
Little more than a kid needing to be coddled.
He could handle his own mind. Could power through the exhaustion. He’d done it for months.
Ignoring the tiny voice in his head that pointed out he’d only been able to do so because of the respites Stone provided, Sully shook his head. “Nah, there’s nothing.”
He only despised himself a little for the concern Stone tried so hard to conceal.
* * *
SWEAT ROLLED DOWN SULLY’S spine, sticking his dirty shirt to his back. He wanted to peel off the too-small coat, but it wasn’t worth the hassle. Instead, he wedged a finger into his collar and loosened his tie.
“Now don’t do that, Warren. You’re almost respectable,” Ma said, her bright green eyes shining down at him.
He could almost believe she was happy if he didn’t feel the grief and depression clinging to her and souring the air around them.
Even over the noise and fleeting sensation of passing emotions from the crowd, her pain was so crisp.
The train was huge, dark and daunting. Something stuck in Sully’s throat. He didn’t want to go. Ma stopped just shy of the doors and checked around for him. “Come on, then.”
Biting his lip, Sully shuffled forward sullenly. His stomach tied itself in knots, a cold shiver travelling from the base of his skull down his spine as he hesitated.
Ma’s warm eyes sparkled in the sunlight.
“Don’t look like that, sweet. It’ll be a grand adventure, you wait!
You’ll get to meet your Uncle Thomas. There’s a new baby cousin for you to help with.
Only think of all the times you pestered me for a brother or sister.
Now you’ll have one. I bet she’s lovely and you’ll get along and be so happy. ”
Frowning, Sully examined her face, saw something he didn’t know how to explain in her expression. “You’ll be there soon, won’t you? So we can be together again?”
Ma cupped his cheeks and smiled so soft. Sully’s stomach cramped, his chest aching. “Soon as I can, sweet. We’ll be together again one day.”
A whistle sounded and he adjusted the cheap pack on his shoulder. A few changes of clothes for him and one of the books of stories Ma used to read him tucked in the bottom for the baby. “Promise?”
Something flickered in her eyes, and the ache in his chest grew exponentially. “’Course I do. You’ve got to go now, or you’ll miss it. Please go, Warren.”
Sully didn’t want to, something was wrong. She dropped her hands and jerked her chin toward the train. “Thomas will be waiting for you. Go on now.”
Her most authoritative voice worked on him, always had. “Okay.”
Ma hugged him and whispered she loved him, told him to be good, and Sully started to step onto the train. His foot braced on the metal step to heave himself up—
Everything froze, time skipped.
He was standing back on the platform. Ma was soaking wet, dark hair dangling to her shoulders in sopping clumps, blood climbing up her pale green sleeves, trickling from the corner of her white lips. Sully couldn’t breathe. He wanted to scream.
“You left me,” she rasped, an expression he never saw her make before twisted her beautiful, kind face.
“You made me,” Sully gasped, backing up, tripping over the step and hardly catching himself.
She took a trembling step forward, bare feet leaving a puddle of water in her wake. “You should’ve stayed. Could’ve saved me. I needed you.”
Sully blanched, throat burning with acid.
“You let me die, Warren.” She took another unsteady step toward him.
Sully held his hands up in defense, sidestepping the metal, trying to get away. “No! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know.”
“Liar!” she screamed, voice cutting through him like glass, shards tearing into his flesh. “How could you go? You felt what I was going to do.”
Sully’s heart lurched. “I didn’t know, Ma! I swear I didn’t. You were grieving, we both were. Da…I didn’t know. I was eight! How could I have? ”
“You knew enough.” She closed in on him with another shaky jerk of twisted legs. “You felt my pain, you always could. Always tried to fix it. Always made it worse, didn’t you?”
Chin trembling, Sully scrubbed at the tear tracks on his face. Terror and sorrow crashed over him in pulverizing waves, almost pulling his feet out from under him. “I’m sorry.” His voice cracked. “I’m sorry. I tried.”
She got small and quiet. “I was alone. No one cared, not even you, my own boy.”
Gasping in a choked breath, he tried to explain, to make her understand.
“You were always sad. Even before Da died. Fluctuating, up and down like a Ferris wheel and you left my head spinning. I couldn’t balance myself.
I was just a kid. Didn’t know I was blocking you out.
Didn’t know I was only getting part of it. ”
Her lip curled, eyes fixing hatefully on him. “It was your fault.”
“I know,” Sully admitted in a pained voice, emotion scratching in his throat. He swallowed hard. “I know it was, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Everything was wrong. Someone was supposed to be here, helping him. Elliot. Where the hell was Elliot? Sully needed him. Needed him so much and he didn’t understand why he wasn’t here. Why he wasn’t stopping this.
Please, please, please. Don’t leave me here. Don’t make me do this alone. Elliot, please!
Cold, clammy hands cupped his cheeks, and Sully shuddered, shutting his eyes so he didn’t have to see. Every muscle in his body locked up tight. His stomach dropped.
“Not sorry enough,” she whispered in his ear, slimy hair dragging over the side of his face.
Sully jerked upright in bed on a ragged gasp, shaking violently. Elliot startled next to him, and there was the whisper of a touch on his arm. Stumbling out of bed, Sully bolted from the room.