Chapter 32 Only inside me
ONLY INSIDE ME
VIOLET
When does desire stop being a question and become a certainty?
SilenceInMidnight: When it stops feeling like a risk.
“Wow.” My breath shakes as I finally gather the strength to speak.
For a moment, I just lie there, eyes closed, suspended in the aftermath. And when I finally gather the strength to look, I find Rowan on his knees beside the couch, looking at me like I’ve just given him something rare.
“That was wow,” I whisper again.
His smile only deepens as his heated gaze begins to travel, starting at my face before drifting lower. Instinct urges me to cover myself, but this is Rowan. The one person I don’t want to hide from.
So instead of shrinking away, I stay exactly as I am.
When my eyes finally drop lower, I still at the sight of the bulge of his erection. He’s thick and hard. In the few moments we’ve been close, I’ve felt Rowan, and I know he’s by no means a small man. And now there’s no ignoring it. The sight of him makes me shiver.
When he grabs himself and squeezes his cock, my gaze snaps back up to his.
“I’m ready,” I whisper.
His eyes close for a brief second, like he’s absorbing my words. But he makes no attempt to touch me. Rowan just stays there.
“Rowan…”
“Tonight is about giving you all the orgasms you missed due to the sling.”
He might be smiling, but I don’t miss the hesitation that lingers beneath it.
Is he nervous because of his inexperience? Or does he think I’m not ready?
And he would be so wrong on both counts.
If the last few minutes proved anything, it’s that Rowan is more than I ever imagined. I wasn’t joking when I asked him if he was sure about his virginity.
He touched me like I was his favorite instrument. He knew exactly when to slow down, when to build, when to make me feel everything all at once. Now I’m ready to be loved by him in a way we haven’t yet.
“Ro…” His name slips from my lips.
“Watching you come is enough for me, Violet.”
“But it’s not enough for me,” I whisper, holding his gaze, refusing to let him retreat into that quiet restraint of his. “I want you inside me.”
His eyes flare, almost pained, and his reaction catches me off guard. Shouldn’t he be the one who can’t wait to have sex with me? A small, unfamiliar uncertainty creeps in.
“Do you not want me?”
He doesn’t answer with his hands. Instead, he rises, takes my hand, and places it right above his erection.
“Does this feel like I don’t want you? I nearly came by the sight of you… and that doesn’t happen to me.”
A slow smile curves on my lips. “I told you, tonight you’re coming inside me, and nowhere else.”
“Violet, maybe we wait until—”
I don’t let him finish. I take his hands in mine, stopping him.
“Don’t you think we’ve waited enough?” My fingers tighten around his. “You’ve waited enough, for fuck’s sake.”
That does it. A smile breaks across his face.
“You’re worth the wait, baby. I wouldn’t mind waiting a few more days.”
“Days? Why? You think I’m not ready? Touch me again,” I whisper. “And see how ready I am.”
His gaze drops from my face until it settles on my sex.
“Touch me, Rowan,” I whisper, but my voice catches halfway through.
His reluctance suddenly makes me feel inadequate.
“Is this because of my memories?” I hate how small I sound and how fragile I feel. “You don’t want to be with me until I’m… whole again?”
He immediately reaches for me and cups my face like he’s done so many times now, making me feel protected, safe, and loved.
Keeping his eyes on me, he signs, “You are more than whole. If there is anyone broken here, it’s not you.”
“Then make love to me… please.” My throat tightens and a tear slips free, but it doesn’t fall far.
He leans in, closing the distance, his lips brushing against my skin just in time to catch it. And then his mouth moves along my face, reverent as he kisses every inch. When his nose brushes lightly against mine, my heart swells with too much feeling.
Yes, I want more.
I am so ready to be loved by this man in every way. Tomorrow, I will talk to him about our engagement… about our forever.
My hands move on their own, sliding from his chest, tracing the lines of his sculpted stomach, finally stopping at his hip bones. Rowan’s body is a work of art.
When my pinky finger grazes near his navel, his stomach contracts. I look up, and he’s already watching me.
“Don’t torture me, baby,” he signs.
“I don’t plan to.”
Instead of pushing his boxers down completely, I slide my hands inside the elastic band, feeling him through the soft fabric. When I stroke him from base to tip, he jerks.
I glance up to find his eyes closed.
With me sitting on the couch and him standing in front of me, the position feels almost too perfect. I lean forward and press a kiss against his cock through the fabric.
When I look up again, Rowan’s eyes are still closed, his fists clenched tight, the muscles in his neck drawn taut. I repeat the motion, slower this time, and he exhales sharply.
With renewed determination, I push his boxers down.
For a second, I can only look. Rowan is…
freaking big. His cock is long and hard, jutting upward.
The sheer masculinity of him—strong thighs, hard lines of his body, and the small curl of dark hairs at the base of his cock—leaves me momentarily breathless.
I lean forward again, but before my mouth can reach him, his hand comes to the back of my neck, stopping me.
I look up.
“What are you doing?”
I lift a brow. “What do you think?”
His expression shifts, something vulnerable flickering across it. “I won’t last long in your mouth.”
His admission catches me off guard. Rowan has waited far too long for someone to want him like this.
I reach for his hand. When I lean forward again, I feel his body tense, his stomach tightening beneath my touch.
But I don’t go where he expects. Instead, I press a soft kiss just below his navel.
“Then don’t hold back. I want to feel you. I want to taste you.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I can see it, the quiet war unfolding inside him. Part of him wants to let go, to experience something he never has before. But another part holds back, hesitating, probably protecting me in his mind.
My lighthouse, always looking out for me.
So I take the decision out of his hands. I lean forward, closing the distance without hesitation, and take him into my mouth.
I was not wrong. Rowan is big.
It takes me a while to get used to his size, but I don’t stop until he hits the back of my throat.
His body goes rigid beneath my touch. Rowan tries to pull away, but I don’t let him go. My hands keep him there, gripping the backs of his thighs.
When I look up, his eyes are wide in utter shock.
I breathe through my nose before moving again, sucking him slowly. I can feel how hard he’s trying to hold himself together. His entire body is tense, drawn tight like a wire pulled too far.
I let him go for a second.
“Rowan…” My hands slide up before I rise just enough to meet his gaze, cupping his face gently. “Look at me. Don’t spend all your energy holding back that you miss how my mouth feels on you. Like I said, I want to taste you. Just… let it happen, Night.”
When he’s back in my mouth, his hand is tentative at first, resting at the back of my head before pushing me forward. His other hand cups my cheek, a quiet warning in the way his fingers tighten, right before he comes.
Holy hell, I was not prepared for the amount. I swallow, but he keeps going. When he pulls out, his cum drips from my mouth down to my chin, chest, even onto the couch.
It’s messy.
It’s raw.
And it’s a damn hot sight.
I swallow, brushing the back of my hand against my mouth as Rowan reaches for the water bottle and holds it out to me.
I blink, surprised. When I tilt my head in question, he signs, “To get rid of the taste.”
I’m completely taken aback. The same man who was so sure when he touched me now hesitates when it comes to himself. I ignore the water, rising slowly as I bring my mouth closer to his.
“I love your taste.” I place my lips over his. There’s no hesitation. With him… I don’t feel the need to hesitate.
The bottle slips from Rowan’s hand as his fingers come up to cradle my face again.
I feel everything when he kisses me back. Love. Affection. Gratitude.
When we finally pull apart, his forehead rests lightly against mine, and he signs—
“Thank you.”
Rowan pulls me closer, wrapping the blanket around us both.
“When I said I wanted you to come inside me… I didn’t exactly mean that,” I murmur softly, my gaze drifting back to him from the fire now roaring in the fireplace, its glow flickering across the room and dancing over his skin.
“I don’t know what you mean. I had the best evening of my life.”
“But, Ro—”
His fingers reach me before I can finish, resting gently against my lips, silencing the rest of my words.
“Being able to feel you like this is more than I could ask for, Purple. I don’t want to get greedy in one night. We have time, right? Neither of us is going anywhere.”
“We have all the time in the world. But maybe”—I meet his gaze—“when it comes to you… I’m the greedy one.”
His smile deepens before he leans back, resting against the couch. He pulls me with him, and I fit like I naturally belong there.
Then his gaze lifts and I follow.
Outside, the snow has thickened, falling in soft, endless flurries.
“I don’t think life can be more perfect than this.” I sigh. It scares me—how right this feels.
I lift my hands, ready to try and sign, but Rowan catches them before I can begin.
He brings my hands to his chest, pressing them there against the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, before shaking his head.
“I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you learned this for me,” he signs slowly. “I’ve always hated that phone…”
His fingers pause.
“But I love hearing your voice, Violet. Don’t take that away from me.”