3. Haze
3
HAZE
I place my phone down on the small round table where I’m sitting in Levis’ office, trying not to be disappointed, and feeling a little frustrated with Imry. I haven’t heard from him in three days. Not since he fucked me. He stopped reading my texts yesterday afternoon.
It was a mistake. Obviously. Part of me wants to show up at his door again and demand that he stop being a dick. So we fucked. Big deal. It doesn’t have to happen again. Apparently, it shouldn’t have happened the first time.
He’s making it a big deal by ghosting me. What a childish thing to fucking do. It’s only going to make this awkward since we literally live on the same property. We’re going to be in the same places periodically because my chosen family and his blood family are very intimately tied together, with my bestie Oakley married to his youngest brother, and another bestie, Briar, married to his uncle, and a third bestie, Honey Bee, finally admitting that she and Imry’s oldest brother are seeing each other.
So what the fuck?
If I knew this was going to be his response, I’d have stopped flirting with him a long time ago. I’m not going to say I’m old, but I’m far too old for games. I lost a lot of years hiding from life and I sure as fuck don’t want to waste time with drama now.
“I can feel you brooding,” Levis says.
I huff. “Sorry.”
He’s standing at his stand-up desk as he works. I glance at him, seeing him at an angle so I don’t quite have his full profile. Though I’m looking at that fine ass.
I smirk and turn back to the computer in front of me. When I’m not required to be at the college for classes, I usually hang with one of my friends at home and work. I can research from anywhere, after all. I have access to all the archives from my computer with my faculty login.
This isn’t the part I don’t like. In fact, I love learning about ancient civilizations. Honestly, I’m not sure why I feel so dissatisfied with my job. I guess maybe it’s a little… repetitive. Boring. Interesting but boring, too. That kind of shit that makes a whole lot of sense, right?
“Hey, Levis.”
I look up at the feminine voice in the doorway. She’s petite. Long, dark hair and brown eyes. She’s got beautiful, flawless brown skin, and she’s wearing a flower in her hair. She’s got a pretty smile, too.
“Hey,” Levis says.
“I’m ordering lunch from off the lot today. Would you like anything?”
“Thanks, but I’m good.”
She nods. “Okay.” She gives him a wave. As she turns away, she sees me and flashes me a smile, too.
Silence fills the room as she walks away. “She seems nice,” I comment.
Levis huffs a quiet breath. “She is.”
“I’m pretty sure I can recognize a flirty smile when I see one.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Really? That’s all you’re giving me?”
Levis looks at me over his shoulder, amused. “I’m not sure what you’re looking for. I can set you two up if you want.”
I narrow my eyes, making him laugh as he turns around again.
“There’s nothing to tell. I’m not going to get involved with anyone I work with.”
“Daddy Jalon says it’s against the rules?” I ask.
Levis shrugs. “No idea. It’s against my moral compass.”
“Levis, you never leave the Estate. How are you going to meet someone?”
He sighs. “Guess I’m not going to for a while. I’m kind of re-evaluating what I want in a partner. I thought Brianna was the one, you know? Before we graduated, I was pretty convinced of that. I’d even been looking for rings. But when we moved here, and it came time for me to invite her more fully into my life… I didn’t want to.”
“For the record, I think we all thought that was weird.”
He huffs again. “Yeah. Maybe I’ve spent most of my life with a girlfriend, so I kind of just… fell into the role of boyfriend when maybe I need to spend some time alone and decide what I really want in a girl. I truly thought Brianna was everything I said I wanted. Then why wasn’t she?”
“I never thought of that. I guess I see what you’re saying. You’ve been chased since we were kids.”
Levis hums.
“That’s what you get for being polite, kind, and charming.”
He snorts.
“Oh, I forgot strong, practice a super-hot form of sword fighting, and have a nice, sexy ass.”
This time he laughs. “Thanks, boo.”
I grin. “It’s not bad to take a break and reflect. I reflect every day. Repetitively, but still. It’s good to know yourself.”
“Nothing was your fault,” he says.
“Anyway.” Definitely not talking about my childhood. I’m good.
“I have been poking around on dating sites,” Levis admits. “I’ve been casually talking to a girl from Ohio, which seems really stupid since she’s several states and hundreds of miles away, but maybe I need long distance right now. Maybe that’ll help me put into perspective what I want in a relationship.”
“Want to tell me about her?”
Levis sighs. I’m surprised when he walks away from his computer and sits at the table with me. “Her name is Angela. She’s almost thirty and has a three-year-old. She’s widowed; her husband died in a snowmobile accident when she was four months pregnant. She’s a paralegal, studying to be an attorney. She also has a pack of senior dogs because she hates the idea of old dogs dying in shelters; it breaks her heart.” He pauses. “She seems really great on paper. Our conversations aren’t lacking. I’m genuinely interested in her life and her daughter, and I think she’s an amazing person. I look forward to talking to her.”
“But…?”
His shoulders sag, and he shakes his head. “I don’t know. I’m not excited. She’s not… I don’t dream of her. Does that even make sense?”
I nod. “It does.” I grip his hand for a minute. “I understand.”
Levis shakes his head again. One of the things I’ve always loved about my guy friends is how they’re not afraid to show affection. Levis turns his hand over and holds mine for a minute. When he releases it, it’s not that awkward, ‘ Ugh, that was too gay ’ reaction. It was a natural, comfortable movement.
“Yeah, I don’t know. I think maybe I should stop talking to her because I don’t want to lead her on.”
“Why don’t you?”
He gives me a smile, but it looks a little sad. “I feel like we’re friends and I don’t want to lose that friendship. Which is probably not what she wants to hear.”
“I don’t know much about girls outside of Honey Bee, but I can imagine being friend-zoned isn’t what you’re looking for on dating sites.”
Levis laughs. “Seriously.” He glances at the door before meeting my eyes again. “What about you? You going to tell me about the guy you’ve been texting for the past several months?”
I shake my head, shrugging. “There’s honestly nothing to tell. He ghosted me.”
Is it too soon to call it ghosting? I mean, it’s been three days. And honestly, it’s not like I won’t see him again.
“That’s shit.”
“Mmm,” I hum in agreement.
“Sorry, man.”
“Meh. I’m irritated, but it’s not a big deal. I feel like he’s making it a bigger deal than it is, but whatever. To each their own.”
I study Levis, trying to decide if he has any idea that I’m talking about one of the Van Dorens. He doesn’t seem to.
“It really wasn’t serious anyway,” I reason, perhaps more to myself than to Levis. “We only ever flirted and sexted and teased. I’m not sure we ever had a serious conversation.”
“That doesn’t make it hurt any less,” Levis says.
His words make me pause. Is that why I’m irritated? Am I hurt that Imry is suddenly ignoring me after we hooked up?
Huh. Who knew?
What a bitch.
“I guess.”
“Want to go out this weekend?” Levis asks.
“Levis,” I say, giving him a flirty grin. “Are you finally coming to the homo side?” I wave a flamboyant hand at him.
He laughs, rolling his eyes. “No. Tempting, but no,” he deadpans. “But I think we could both use some time away from here and breathe a little bit. Maybe get out of our funks.”
“Yeah. That’s a good idea. But you realize we’d go to two different types of bars, right?”
Levis once more looks at me with amusement. “I’m not the hookup kinda guy, Haze. That much I’m pretty damn sure about.”
“You’re missing out,” I say and glance down at my screen. It’s gone to sleep since I haven’t touched the computer in the last twenty minutes while we talked. “A good orgasm does a lot to clear your mind.”
“I can achieve that on my own.”
“I said a good orgasm.”
“I’m sad for you if you can’t give yourself a good orgasm,” he counters.
I laugh. “Touché. But for the record, I still prefer orgasms with people.”
“Why?”
I study his face and, not gonna lie, I have a lot of questions prompted by that one word. “This isn’t meant as offensive, but if you prefer to get yourself off, there are other things about yourself that maybe you don’t realize.”
He raises a brow. “Oh?”
“Are you familiar with the term asexuality?”
Levis grins. “I am. I’m not sex averse or repulsed.”
“I’m not pushing, but have you actually read up on it? More than a basic understanding? Asexuality is a big spectrum, and preferring to get off on your own as opposed to with someone else tends to fall within it.”
He tilts his head to the side as he listens to me, still slightly amused. “Interesting. I’ll read more, but I didn’t say I prefer to get off on my own. I asked why you preferred to get off with a person instead of on your own.”
“I suppose that line of questioning is why I read more into it. But to answer your question… I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. I guess I like to be touched. I like to hear my partner moan and know I’m making him feel good. There’s something more enjoyable about getting off with someone than on my own. For me , anyway. I know there are thousands of people who feel differently in the world.”
Levis nods thoughtfully. “I’ve never thought about it, to be honest. My instinct is to say that I’m indifferent, whether I’m with someone or on my own. What’s the term for that?”
“I… don’t know. The only indifference in sexuality I’m familiar with is pansexual.”
“Gender preference indifference.”
“More or less, yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a term for indifference in orgasming methods.”
Levis laughs. “I’m not sure that’s what we’re going to make the definition, but as you said, more or less.”
“I’m sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way,” I assure him. “Just so you know.”
He shrugs. “I honestly don’t care. It makes no difference to me. I suppose I’m indifferent to that, too.”
I chuckle. “Fair enough.”
Levis gets to his feet. He shoves me teasingly on his way back to his computer. We’re quiet for a while and I curiously begin searching for a term that describes what Levis just told me. Not because I think he needs a label. The world is so stuck on labeling people instead of minding their own damn business.
But I think if maybe I find something, it might help him with his re-evaluation of himself and what he wants in a relationship. I’m a firm believer that if you understand all the facets of yourself, you’ll be a better person. More confident. I think it’ll help him understand why he feels the way he does and maybe it’ll help him move forward.
I’m not convinced he’s happy with this big question hanging over him. I also don’t think he’s unhappy in the grand scheme of things. But maybe he’s like me. Dissatisfied with a part of his life and unsure how he can move beyond it.
I tap my phone screen. Maybe out of habit. Maybe because I’m waiting for Imry to pull his head out of his ass and text me back. Just a fucking acknowledgment. Or even just him saying he doesn’t want to do this anymore.
Anything. Right now, he’s made a dick move and I kind of really hate that about him. I don’t want to dislike him. It feels unsettled and uncomfortable, especially knowing we’re never going to be out of each other’s lives.
“Hey,” Levis says and comes back to the table, this time with a tablet in his hand. “Look at this.”
I take it from him and look at the news headline. I rarely keep up with the news. It’s not that I want to live with my head in the sand, but there comes a point when the outside world is such a gross, negative place that you need to protect your own mental health. Even when the nastiness directly affects your life.
I’m safe here. I know that the Van Dorens have a shield of money around all of us, which gives us a certain amount of protection. It’s wrong of me and I should be fighting the injustices of the world with my community who are affected by it, but I’ve fought my entire life to find peace with the world around me because of my father. Right or wrong, I need some time to live in that peace, even if it’s only an illusion.
However, the headline isn’t some bullshit about legislature stripping rights of people of color, women, or the LGBTQIA+ community. There’s no attack on freedoms right now.
This is something very different.
ZEALOT RELIGIOUS FIGURE, RYAN JOHNSTON, TO MOVE HIS ENTIRE CONGREGATION TO AN UNINHABITED ISLAND OFF THE COAST OF MEXICO TO PROTECT THEIR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM
The article goes on to state that this megachurch, supposedly home to a lot of A-List social elites, the elderly, and the ‘ easily persuaded ,’ will be moving their whole congregation of 5,000+ out of ‘ Toxic America ’ to begin living the way God intended them to live.
On the surface, the article comes across as a simple report, except for some of the word choices. Zealot, for example. Easily persuaded. Yet, that one I understand.
I shake my head. “You know, I’ll never understand how so many people can be so gullible and blindly follow someone like this.”
Ryan Johnston isn’t the first Megachurch minister to rise around the world. He won’t be the last. But he’s the first one to truly capture the public’s attention since Jim Jones in the late seventies. All the pictures show smiling faces. Children playing with the newest toys and laughing in a classroom setting. There are whole families slowly being absorbed into the church.
“I know. I’m not sure why I’m so fascinated with this,” Levis says. “But I can’t stop reading all the shit coming out about it. It’s only a matter of time before it gets deadly.”
I nod as I stare at the faces of a young family. Are those smiles real? Or are they hiding abuse? As someone who smiled to hide the abuse that took place in their home, I feel like it should now be a superpower to be able to recognize it. Sadly, that’s not the case.
Not with smiling faces on a tablet screen, anyway.