9. Haze
9
HAZE
“You’re not going to get rid of your tan lines that way.”
I open my eyes and glance at my porch. I’m lying on the lawn behind my cottage under the hot northern Arizona sun. I imagine that the identical faces leaning over my railing looking at me are Avory and Ellory. Not only are they rarely apart, but neither are looking at me awkwardly, which is how I imagine Imry would look at me given the weird tone of our texts these last few days.
“Fortunately, that’s not my intent,” I answer.
“What’re you doing then?”
“Resting between reps of crunches.”
“Ew,” twin on the left says.
I laugh. “Abs don’t strengthen and shape themselves.”
“I didn’t realize fitness was important to you,” twin on the right says.
I shrug. “Some skeletons are hard to bury completely.”
They look at each other, exchanging some silent twin communication thing. I wonder, since they’re actually triplets, does Imry get their silent messages too?
“You have a minute?” twin on the right asks.
“Depends. You going to tell me which of you is whom, so I can stop referring to you as twin on the right and twin on the left ?”
That earns me laughter from both.
“Ellory,” twin on the left says. He grips Avory’s hand for a minute. “Avory.”
“Noted. You’re not allowed to switch sides since you’re wearing the same color shirt.” They look down at their chests and then at each other. When they meet each other’s gazes with amusement, I realize they hadn’t realized they’d done it, so it wasn’t intentional. “What’s up?”
“We’d like to talk to you about… something maybe a little… sensitive,” Ellory says.
I sit up, crossing my legs under me. Thankfully, the sun is behind me, so I don’t have to look directly into it when I’m looking at them. “I don’t care what you two do. That’s not my business.”
Their eyebrows furrow and it’s clear that’s not what they’ve come here to say. Ellory glances at Avory.
“Uh…” Ellory says.
“Meaning what?” Avory asks.
I roll my eyes. “Really? You want me to spell it out?”
“No,” Avory says, dragging the word out slightly. “Sorry. I mean…” He doesn’t finish as he glances at Ellory again.
I laugh. Obviously, this isn’t something they talk about with words. Maybe I’ll just clear the air so they can get on with whatever they came for. Which, I have a sneaking suspicion, has to do with Imry.
“Maybe you don’t realize how obvious you are, especially now that we’re here where you’re comfortable. But you are. I imagine you’ve spent most of your time together hiding it since the world is loud with people who think they need to give you their unwanted opinions. I’m glad you know I’m a safe person, which I’m assuming you know since you don’t hide quite as much as you used to.”
“I didn’t realize that,” Avory says. “I guess you’re right; we don’t… hide as much here, though I suppose we do a little because you and your friends are here and, you know, it’s not something we’re going to bring up. So… Thanks?”
I laugh. “Sorry. I apparently misinterpreted the reason you’re here.”
“You don’t care that we’re together?” Ellory asks. “Seriously? Like, you have no opinion on it at all?”
“Do you want me to have an opinion on it?”
“Well, no,” he says, frowning. He looks at Avory. “Our stupid mother couldn’t keep her opinion to herself, but he can. What kind of world do we live in?”
Avory wraps his arm around Ellory’s waist, pulling him closer. “Okay, yes. Thank you. Surprisingly, it means a lot to hear that. We’ve grown used to needing to be indifferent to people’s opinions, so it’s a little startling when you don’t have a problem with us.”
“I have a feeling this could be a long conversation, but I don’t have a problem with you two at all. I’ve always been of the mind that you love who you love, and it’s not affecting me or anyone else, so live a happy life.”
“I like you a lot more,” Ellory says.
I laugh. “Thanks?”
He smiles.
“Okay, look. Imry is… less well than I think he’s told you,” Avory says.
“What’s wrong with him?” Once more, I misinterpret his words.
“He alluded to telling you about the douchebag two years ago.”
I shrug. “I know he was in a long relationship that ended badly, and he says he’s still broken over it. That’s the extent of what I know.”
“Imry met Darren in college and they got together rather quickly. I’d like to tell you I never liked Darren and we saw this whole thing coming, but… that’d be a lie. I’d even like to tell you that, in hindsight, there were signs, but that’s also a lie. Everything we knew about them, every time we were around them—which is often because we’re a very close family, in case you missed that.”
“No…”
He smirks. “I don’t think anyone saw it coming. They were together for six years. They lived together. They got pets together. They were talking about getting married. They went on trips together. They talked about kids and had their entire future planned. Even though their engagement wasn’t official, they had their wedding completely orchestrated. Seriously, there was no indication that things weren’t as they seemed.”
“I’m anticipating there’s an affair coming or something,” I say, frowning.
“I wish it was that black and white,” Ellory says.
“One day, Darren is at home when Imry gets back from work and tells Imry he doesn’t want to be together anymore. That he’s taking their pets and has already sold the condo they were living in. He never loved our brother. He hasn’t this whole time.”
“What the fuck?” I say. “Then why?—”
Avory and Ellory are nodding.
“Yep. That was literally everyone’s reaction. Imry says the way he said it was cold and indifferent. Ironically, a lot like Loren would make a statement.”
“Was this Darren guy a sociopath?” I ask.
They shrug.
“I don’t think so. Not in the same way, anyway. I think he’s just a dick. He wanted something from my brother and after six years, he didn’t get it, so he was moving on. That’s how we’ve interpreted it.”
“What did he want—money?” I ask.
Again, they both shrug.
“That’s what we’re assuming. He wanted a piece of the Van Doren pie, and I guess was maybe Imry dragging his feet giving Darren access,” Ellory says, shaking his head. “This is a hypothesis we can’t prove because, as far as Imry recalls, Darren’s never made so much as a subtle remark about wanting to be on his bank account, never mind hinting at wanting to live the rich life.”
“We don’t know,” Avory says. “The why almost doesn’t matter. What matters is what it did to Imry. Unlike Darren, apparently, Imry did love him with his whole heart. He truly thought he’d met the man he’d spend his life with. It seriously broke our brother. Imry was devastated.”
My heart clenches in my chest as anger pulses through me. “I hope someone beat his ass,” I say.
“Imry wouldn’t let us,” Ellory says, pouting.
“While Imry doesn’t know this, so we’d appreciate it if you didn’t repeat it, we did make sure his fucking life ended in shambles. We destroyed his reputation and his credit. We compromised his bank accounts, making that money vanish without a damn trace. We make sure his credit remains deep in the red. Every time he gets a job, we sabotage it until he gets fired. This man is either homeless or living with his parents every time we check in on him five or six times a year.”
“He deserves worse,” Ellory says.
I nod.
“He does,” Avory says. “He doesn’t hurt the same way Imry hurts. He doesn’t carry around the same pain, the same scars. It’s not fair and believe me, we’ve lost entire nights, awake and trying to think of ways to further make this man suffer without putting a hand on him.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Please know that I’d really love to see Darren punished for real, but I’m not sure why you’re telling me this,” I say.
“We’re trying to explain to you why he acted the way he has over the last two weeks,” Ellory says. “And we think the only way you’re going to understand and forgive him is if you know why he’s broken. The truth. Not anything superficial, but the full truth about why he’s reluctant and scared to let someone get close to him.”
“Oh,” I say, and yeah, the words he said three nights ago definitely make much more sense now that I understand them.
“We don’t know how to fix this,” Avory says. “Not between you two, although that’s also on the list of things we don’t know how to fix. But we don’t know how to heal our brother. We try. All the time. And to be honest, we really thought he was finally completely over Darren. We thought it was in the past. Until two weeks ago, when we watched him slowly closing in on himself again.”
“He never shuts us out,” Ellory says. “The only time he’s done that is when Darren first cut him open. Once he numbly told us everything that had happened, he shut down entirely. Including from us, which was the first time in our twenty-five years he’d ever shut us out.”
“The only time he shuts down is when what Darren’s done to him affects his life again. We only just got him to tell us what happened a few hours ago,” Avory says.
“I see. So what do you want from me? Why did you come here to tell me this?”
“Imry is a good guy,” Ellory says. “He’s a great brother and a good person and he has a big heart, though he prefers that most people don’t know it.”
I laugh.
“We want him to have the love and happiness he deserves.”
“We’re not saying that you have to be that person. We’re telling you he’s not going to get to a point where he can trust someone with his heart again easily. He doesn’t trust himself to fall in love with someone who won’t hurt him. He doesn’t believe he can recognize when someone is fucking with him for six years, and… yeah. None of us saw that,” Avory says.
I nod, but a sick feeling grows in my stomach.
“Imry needs someone who won’t give up on him, Haze. Someone who will be patient with him and not let Imry push them away when he gets scared. Someone who will pursue him and make sure Imry knows he’s loved and wanted,” Ellory says.
“If you can’t be that person, then maybe just… don’t get involved with him at all. Build a wall or I don’t know. Just stop the sexy texts, and no more hookups. Just stop getting close to him.”
I nod. “Okay.”
Seconds pass in silence as we look at each other.
“That’s what you’re going to do, isn’t it?” Ellory asks.
“What?”
“You’re going to leave him alone now. Aren’t you?”
My gut twists. I’m surprised that a part of me doesn’t like that option, but… I nod. “Yes. I’m sorry. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have… none of this would have happened.”
There’s no mistaking the disappointment on their faces as they look at me now.
“Well,” Avory says, and that word hangs between us for a minute. “That isn’t what we hoped you’d say. But thanks for being honest.”
“Understand that I’m truly sorry for how Imry was treated. He doesn’t deserve it, but this just… he told me it was complicated, and quite frankly, that’s when I checked out. I’m 1000% not interested in complicated.”
“Nothing is easy, you know,” Ellory says. “No matter who you meet and fall in love with, it won’t be easy.”
“I know. Maybe if this was a few years later than right now, I’d have a different mindset and have made the decision you want me to make. But I’ve spent a lot of my life living under complicated circumstances and right now, I need to not live like that.”
“We followed the shit your father pulled and then his murder,” Avory says.
“How about my brother planting car bombs outside the house where my other brother lived? Did you follow that?” I ask.
They both nod.
“If you’ve seen it, then I’m guessing you probably saw all the bullshit surrounding it. So you understand why I need some peace and to just exist for a while, right?”
Avory sighs. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to hurt him further. I wouldn’t have gotten involved even a little bit if I’d known this might happen.”
“We believe you,” Ellory says.
I nod.
We don’t talk anymore. They remain on my porch for a while, and we stare at each other until it grows too awkward to continue. Then they wave and leave, and I return to my crunches until I’m starfished on my back with my eyes closed.
I hate the sick feeling twisting my gut. I know in deciding not to get involved with Imry any more than I already had, I’ll be hurting him. But what’s the compromise in this situation? One of us is going to end up unhappy regardless of which direction we go from here.
The bottom line is I can’t be what he needs me to be for him. I’m not the guy he needs. I’m not the person Avory and Ellory described. I’m just not.
As much as Imry doesn’t deserve to hurt again—or ever—don’t I deserve to live in peace for just a little fucking while? Am I supposed to compromise my own newly acquired happiness when I’d just begun living it? I spent twenty-one years scared the bullying in my household would turn on me if they found out I was gay, horrified by my family’s words and actions, terrified at the reach my father seemed to have with people in places of power, guilt-ridden that I couldn’t—and didn’t protect—my brother from the abuse he suffered every damn day. I should be able to live without having to think of someone else for just a little while, dammit! Can’t I just be selfish for once in my life and live for me?
So, why do I feel like such a piece of shit for not being the man Imry needs?