13. Haze
13
HAZE
I open my eyes. The water is remarkably clear for a homegrown lake. There are fish swimming around. Oakley said that they’re part of the ecosystem to keep the lake clean and fresh. There’s also a maintenance crew who tends to it monthly like you’d hire for a pool.
My body feels weightless, surrendering to the gentle movement of the water as my friends swim around me. The longer I stay under, the more aware I am of my own heartbeat. I think I can feel it in my chest. The need for breath. When my lungs burn, I glance toward the surface and propel myself toward it with my feet.
I break through and take a deep breath. The sun is hot in the cloudless sky. Even though my head has been out of the water for no more than three seconds, I’m already sweaty. It’s just one of those super-hot days.
Taking another breath, I let my head fall under the water, but this time, I stay close to the surface as I swim for the dock. It’s a floating dock in the middle of the lake. Half of it’s covered with a canopy. We’ve moved towels and a cooler of drinks under there.
I pull myself up, using my arms and torso to twist so I can set my ass on the wood. A shake of my head sends water droplets spinning. It’s so hot I feel a little sluggish. Like my blood is too thick to move through my veins properly. I might be dehydrated. Yep, I need a drink.
The cooler is close, and I pull out a bottle of water. We’re using the kinds of water bottles you refill. I was surprised by the Van Doren rule of no purchased plastic (or glass, metal, etc.) disposable/recyclable water bottles on the property. It’s a rule that’s enforced. The entire office building is outfitted with water coolers and there are dozens of reusable bottles with the Van Doren logo that can be borrowed without needing to ask permission in case you forgot or don’t own your own.
Though I haven’t taken a close look, I’m told that the big house operates the same way. So do the sheds, barns, and garages where other staff members do their thing.
I think it’s a really cool concept. It also instills a habit in people without calling attention to the fact that you’re doing so. If you know you can’t bring a single-use bottle of water onto the property that you work at, you’re already conscious of facilitating a life change since you work five days a week. Speaking for myself alone, I haven’t bought a single bottle of water since I moved to the Estate. Not even at school when that option is completely open to me.
I’ve changed my carbon footprint in this one small area of life without making a big deal of it or really realizing that I’ve done so. It’s kind of a remarkable movement. Especially since the Van Dorens provide bottles to borrow as often as you need, my understanding is there’s been very little push back from anyone. VD has given you all the tools to be successful at this one thing they’re enforcing with zero cost and effort needed on your part.
Sometimes I wonder how else they can do that in other areas.
Once I’ve taken several sips of cold water, I move to the side where Levis is lying half in the sun. I let myself fall perpendicular to him, and while I intended to lie in such a way where I wasn’t crowding his space, I end up with my head on his thigh. I sigh.
Levis’ hand runs through my hair for a minute, and then it stills. I close my eyes as a smile settles on my face. This is the kind of masculinity that should rule the world; unafraid of showing your friends affection. Not terrified that another man being close to you is ‘ too gay ’ or some bullshit. Just peace and comfort with your friends, regardless of their gender or sexuality.
What kind of world would we live in if everyone were this way?
It isn’t long before the rest of our friends join us on the dock. We huddle somewhat close so everyone has a piece of shade provided by the canopy.
“We should do this more often,” Honey Bee says.
“Swim?” Oakley asks as he snuggles up to my side. Damn boy acts like it’s cold and not 108°.
“Well, yeah. The lake is right here. Why the hell is this the first time we’ve swum in it? But I meant hanging out, all six of us. It’s been a long time since we’ve managed to pull that off.”
Brek sighs but doesn’t comment. He’s calmed down a lot since moving to the Van Doren Estate. Change still bothers him. While he took Briar and Noaz’s BIG change seemingly in stride, I see every time he looks for Briar.
Oakley’s around more often, but Briar doesn’t just have a spouse, he has a baby. Bigger and different responsibilities take him away from us. Something that really bothers Brek. I think he’d prefer it if I lived under the same roof too.
“We will,” Levis says. “We just need to make a concentrated effort to do so. I think we’re so used to taking being together for granted since moving to Arizona that we didn’t allow space for personal growth, and it’s all snuck up at once.”
“We’re together now,” Oakley says, “and I have a confession.”
“Ohh,” Honey Bee says. “It can’t be that you’re planning a wedding. We already did that.”
Oakley laughs. “No. But we’re talking about having kids.”
Silence fills the dock. After a few seconds pass, Oakley laughs. “You’re taking it better than I thought you would.”
“Please don’t take this as me being a dick,” Brek says.
“If you have to begin with a precursor like that, maybe you shouldn’t say it,” Briar points out.
Brek doesn’t continue until Oakley sighs in exasperation. “Just say it.”
“I just wanted to ask if that’s a good idea,” Brek says.
“Because Loren’s a sociopath?” Oakley asks.
“Yeah. You have every right to take offense. I’ve been an ass concerning Loren and his sociopathy has been one of my driving forces in justifying it, which I’m sorry about. But I’m genuinely asking if that’s a good idea,” Brek says. “Putting all personal reasons aside, I’d ask anyone the same question if they’re saying they were thinking about having a child with their sociopathic partner. Is it a good idea?”
I nod. I suppose he’s not wrong. Brek’s voicing the question that had us all silent at Oakley’s announcement.
“We don’t know,” Oakley admits. “We’re going to talk to Daddy Jalon and it’s not going to be right away, anyway. But we’re talking about it and… I’m excited.”
“Yeah?” Levis asks. His hand moves from my hair to Oakley’s briefly.
Oakley sighs. “Yeah. It’s no secret that I don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life, and before you suggest something dumb, like I think having kids will give me some purpose and drive, I’ve already considered that. And maybe that’s true. I don’t know. Maybe having kids and spending every day raising them won’t make me feel fulfilled. And maybe it will. But I’m excited for other reasons—like having a family. Raising babies with my husband. Making memories together. Seeing you with my kids. Seeing my kids with your kids. Built-in best friends, just like we always promised each other. It was kind of an abstract thing, you know? But it feels real now.”
“Especially with Emerson being here,” Honey Bee says, and I can hear the smile in her voice.
“Exactly,” Oakley says. “It’s one of those fairy-tale future pieces we always talked about, but wasn’t something that truly excited me. Until now. I can’t wait for that future.”
“You and Myro talking about kids, too?” Briar asks.
“What—no! Slow down, bitches,” Honey Bee says, making us all laugh. “Things between us are really good but we’re not there. I don’t know if this is a forever relationship. I don’t hear wedding bells, and I certainly don’t see my babies in his eyes.”
“Huh,” Brek says.
“What now?” Honey Bee asks with a huff.
I grin.
“Nothing. I guess I’m just surprised. You two look like one of those red-carpet couples. You’d make perfect little babies.”
“That’s sweet and all, but I don’t think that’s a reason to have babies with someone,” Honey Bee says.
I snort. “There are worse reasons,” I point out.
“Anyway,” Honey Bee says, ending that line of conversation. I know I’m not the only one grinning. “How’s work, Brek? Meeting any cougars while showing houses and living a secret, dirty lifestyle you’re finally ready to get off your chest and tell us about?”
“Wow,” Levis says.
“How long have you been thinking about that?” Oakley asks.
I don’t have to see Honey Bee to know how she responds. We’ve all been friends for so long, I’d wager a guess I could play out this entire conversation in my head and get every detail right. That’s how well I know my friends.
“Just came to me,” Honey Bee says.
I’m not the only one who snorts this time.
“No cougars,” Brek answers, “though I’ll definitely keep it in mind. That could totally be fun. Otherwise, work is going well. Like I imagine of most jobs, there are parts of it I like better than others, but all in all, it’s not a bad job. The money is good when you’re able to sell something.”
“I’ve been watching your ShareIt feed. Seems to me your sales are doing pretty well,” Levis says.
Oof . I should be doing that. That’s how a friend supports their friends. Of course, Levis is on top of his shit.
“I mean, I’m not the number one realtor in the world, so it’s not impressive to my family, but yeah, I think I’m doing pretty well. I have a decent nest egg.” He pauses for a second. “I suppose I could get my own place at any time.”
“Or,” Oakley says, “and hear me out. You stay here with us forever.”
“I second that,” Briar says.
Brek hums. “I don’t know. It makes sense that you two are staying here forever. You married Van Dorens. But I’m not sure it makes the same sense for me. There will come a point when I’ve outstayed my welcome.”
“There won’t be,” Briar says. “I promise. I’m sure Daddy Jalon will even let you build your own house somewhere on the property.”
“I bet he’d even sell you a little plot of land on this property, so you owned it if that was important to you,” Honey Bee says.
“You think so?” Brek asks skeptically.
I’m not the only one nodding.
“We’re all family,” Oakley says. He shifts to reach for Brek’s hand. “I’m pretty sure Daddy Jalon knows exactly how important we are to each other when it became clear that if one or two of us moved here, we’d all be going. Just like they do when Loren moves somewhere. More than anything, they understand the importance of family.”
“Even found family,” Levis says, his fingers gripping my hair slightly.
“Chosen family,” I correct.
“Thanks,” Brek says. “But let’s talk about something else. Haze or Levis? Take the focus off me, please.”
I laugh.
“There’s not a lot to tell,” Levis says. “I work—which, yes, it’s going well. I think I’ll apply for my master’s degree to start courses in the spring.”
“Engineering?” I ask.
“Yes. Otherwise, I enjoy working here. I like my bedroom here and have no interest in going anywhere else at the moment. That’s it. Very mundane.”
“I think this is the first time since you were ten that you haven’t had a girlfriend,” Honey Bee says.
Levis huffs. “You’re probably right, but I’m perfectly content not having one. My options are coworkers or staff and both of those feel very morally gray.”
“Okay, so morally gray isn’t Lev’s kink. Good to know,” Honey Bee says.
We laugh.
“What about you, Haze?” Oakley asks. “You’re so close and yet I swear, I hardly see you.”
I nod. Ain’t that the truth? “Same as Levis. Just chugging along. Nothing new since we last caught up.” Do they hear the lie in my voice?
“Work’s good? How’s your brother? Are you enjoying the hook-up scene?” Brek asks. “We need details.”
“Work is fine. It’s boring, which I suppose I didn’t truly anticipate. I’m not sure what I want to do about that, so I’m trying to excel at what I do while I consider my options. Starting over seems really stupid, but maybe it’s worth it if I find something I’m passionate about, you know?”
“Definitely,” Honey Bee says. “Always do what makes you happy!”
I smile. “So yeah, work is work. It’s fine. Oren’s good. I think he and Adak are still coming for Christmas, though we get sidetracked when we talk, so I’ll have to check on that again.”
“You guys talk often?” Levis asks.
“I’m not sure how often siblings usually talk, but yeah, I think so. We try to catch up online once or twice a week and we call once a week.”
“That’s more than I talk to any of my siblings,” Honey Bee says.
“Same,” Briar says.
“I think I’m relatively close with my sister and I don’t talk to her that much,” Levis adds.
“So does that mean we talk too much?” I ask, frowning.
“The VDs live together and see each other daily. I think you’re good, bro,” Brek says.
“He’s right,” Oakley says. “Also, I talk to Dylan once a week, too. I just talked to him yesterday.”
I sigh. “Good, okay.”
“There’s no one right way to be family,” Levis says, his fingers scratching my scalp for a second. “I think it’s really good for both of you that you’re able to connect. I’m sure it’s healing in a lot of ways.”
I nod. “It is. We can go weeks without talking about our past and it feels really good not to let it be a thing that settles like a chasm between us. Likewise, I’m relieved it’s not the only thing we’re able to talk about. I also love how we can talk about it without getting… triggered? Is that the right word? It’s nice to be able to reflect on it together. I think we offer each other perspectives that we hadn’t thought of and it’s also nice to be able to validate what we went through and how we suffered.”
Oakley rolls back toward me and wraps his arms around mine. I grin. He’s always been quick to hug whoever needs a hug.
“That’s really great to hear,” Honey Bee says.
“It is,” Levis agrees.
“What about the single life?” Brek asks.
“I’ll tell you my dirty secrets if you tell me yours,” I tease.
He laughs. “Believe me, if I had any, you’d already know. I guess my only secret is that I… might be asexual. Maybe aromantic too.”
Once again, silence surrounds us as we listen to his fucking mic drop. Well, damn.
“Yeah?” Briar asks.
Brek sighs. “I think so. I think that’s why I’m so fucking indifferent to everyone except you guys. I love you guys with everything in me, which is why changes in our relationships as you get partners and start families are so damn hard for me. But even that, I don’t know if it’s like… a romantic feeling or…” He sighs. “I’m doing a lot of self-discovery.”
“That’s good,” I say. “I’m glad you have some answers, even if there are more to find.”
“I do,” he agrees. “It feels good to know why I freaked out so fucking bad when Oakley started seeing Loren. The panic and heartbreak and…”
“I’m sorry,” Oakley says.
“No. I’m sorry. I didn’t understand why it felt like my fucking world was ending. I’m sure there’s some deep-rooted psychosis that goes back to daddy issues—which we all know I have—but these two little words have helped me settle a lot of unresolved emotions in me. There are still a lot of questions I don’t really understand, but I think I’ll get there.”
“We’re here if you need support,” Honey Bee says. “Even if you just want to read with someone beside you.”
“I know. Thanks. Your turn, Haze. I just shared a secret. Now you tell one.”
“That backfired,” I mutter, earning myself some more snickers. I sigh heavily. “I might be seeing someone but… we’ve agreed there are no expectations involved, though I’m also pretty sure we both know that’s a lie.”
“Which brother?” Honey Bee asks.
“Or uncle,” Oakley points out. “Although, I think only Uncle Kairo is left and… hmm… you could totally tame that asshole.”
“Ohh, double meaning!” Brek exclaims. “Nice.”
I laugh. “Yeah, no. Thanks. Also… I’ve been kinda, sorta seeing Imry, but please, please don’t make a big deal about it. We’re talking seeing each other on the DL. Like gay boys pretending they’re straight, kind of DL. You know, but you pretend you don’t. Cool?”
I appreciate the chuckles that surround me. “Cool,” Levis agrees.
Conversation moves on and I sigh. It actually felt really good to share that with them. Maybe next time, I’ll be ready to tell them why I’m not sure it’s such a good idea to get involved with Imry.
Levis’ fingers continue to move through my hair periodically as we spend hours on the dock chatting and laughing. I think I agree with Honey Bee. We definitely need to do this more often. It’s good for my soul.