21. Haze
21
HAZE
Briar steps through the front door just as Oakley drops onto the couch beside me. “Did you know Avory and Ellory are gone?” he asks.
“Gone where?” I ask as I scooch to make him room.
“Dunno. Loren shrugged when I asked him which isn’t Loren-speak for he doesn’t know. It means he can’t or won’t say.”
“That’s weird,” Honey Bee says, taking some folded up piece of baby furniture from Briar. She kisses the top of Emerson’s head and then Briar’s cheek. “Shouldn’t your husband tell you everything? I’d think keeping secrets would be bad for the marriage.”
Briar gives Oakley a wary look as he steps further into my house.
Oakley just laughs. “The Van Dorens have a million secrets. I don’t need to know them all.”
“Besides, they’re allowed to leave,” Levis says from my other side. “People take trips and vacations or whatever.”
“It could be a business trip,” Brek says as he joins us from the kitchen. “The office is talking about sending me to a conference. I didn’t know realtors had conferences. I’m not sure I want to go, but it’s kind of cool, right?”
“I only mention it because I thought it was strange they’d leave without saying anything to anyone.” Oakley looks at me. “Does Imry know they left?”
“I would imagine he does, but he hasn’t said anything.”
“Voss isn’t here right now. He’s been gone for a month or more,” Honey Bee points out.
“Yes, but he said he was heading out on a job for a while,” Oakley says. “I’m not trying to make a big deal about it. I just thought it was interesting when Loren casually dropped that they weren’t here.”
I’m distracted from the conversation when Briar sets Emerson in my lap. I stare at the baby for a second before looking up at him. “You’re the only one who hasn’t held him,” Briar says, a little smile on his perfect face. “He’s not a newborn anymore.”
“He might still throw up on me,” I point out, but carefully put my hands under him, so he’s properly supported. “Then there’s what comes out of the other end.”
The room laughs, but I’m entirely serious.
“One end has a diaper to catch it. He doesn’t projectile vomit. Just juicy burps.” Briar drops a cloth on my knee. “Just wipe it up, sweetheart. Cuddle my son.”
I wonder if maybe I’ve hurt his feelings by not holding Emerson. That wasn’t my intent, and I adore this baby, but… holding him feels far too big. Except now that he’s in my hands, I feel a little foolish for thinking that way. He’s small, so beautifully peaceful in my arms as I carefully bring him against my chest to cradle him.
“Okay, he’s kinda perfect,” I admit.
Briar rests his hand on my head for a second and walks away. I smile, staring down into this tiny human’s face. My best friend’s kid. It was hard to believe the entire time the baby was growing and then when he was rescued from a fucking nightmare. His being here felt like a miracle.
Not in the stupid religious ways people want to call childbirth a miracle. It’s fucking biology. But this little one survived some bullshit. He was rescued right before he could be sold into fuck knows what. That’s a miracle.
Holding him feels… like reality finally caught up around me. I’ve seen him a whole lot over his short four-month life, but holding him makes him substantial. I can see him breathing. I can feel his soft skin and his heartbeat through his back.
“What happened to you?” Levis asks.
I look up, unsure who he’s talking to. I’m surprised when he’s looking at me. Not at me. At my hand. Oops.
And now everyone is moving to look at my hand. More specifically, my rope-burned wrist. My cheeks heat, even as I try to play it off. “You’re not the only one who may or may not be into some kinky shit.”
Briar chokes on his water, which he just happened to be taking a sip of. Oakley bursts out laughing.
“Sweet, innocent Briar,” Honey Bee muses, shaking her head. “I think we’re going to have to have a conversation about non-vanilla sex with you, aren’t we, love?”
The red in Briar’s face is starting to subside as he gets air back into his lungs. He glares at Honey Bee, though the rest of us are trying hard not to laugh again.
“I’m not talking about my sex life, so if you want to believe it’s vanilla, that’s fine,” Briar says.
“You always seem so scandalized when someone brings up kink, is all,” Honey Bee points out. “Last time, you choked, too.”
Briar continues to glare at her as he crosses the room to take a seat in the empty chair. “Again, not talking about my sex life. Think what you want.”
“I am kind of curious about your sex life,” Oakley says, and this time, I can’t stop the quiet chuckle that escapes me.
Briar sighs. “Why?”
“Because you’d only had a vagina before. How is it not having one? Are you enjoying it as much as a vagina? Do you miss vaginas?”
“Ohmygod, stop saying vagina!” Honey Bee says, scrunching her face.
“Pussy sounds… gross,” Oakley says, his nose wrinkled. “What else do you want me to call it?”
“You don’t need to call it anything,” Honey Bee says. “I’m with Briar on this; we don’t need to talk about his sex life.”
“Are you offended by gay sex?” Oakley asks, crossing his arms. “We’ve listened to you talk about your sex life.”
“Fuck’s sake,” Briar mutters.
Honey Bee rolls her eyes. “Sex is hot regardless of what private parts are involved. I love all sex—girl/boy, boy/boy, girl/girl, all genders, no genders. I don’t care. Sex is hot. Period. But we can seriously stop talking about vaginas.”
“How is your sex life?” Brek asks. Honey Bee shoots daggers at him. “I’m just saying, you’re very defensive today when that’s not usually your M.O. As you pointed out, you love sex and usually love talking about it. So what’s up?”
“Let’s talk about yours,” Honey Bee shoots back.
Brek shrugs. “Okay, but that’s a short conversation since we all know I don’t go out, and I’m not seeing anyone.”
“All right,” Levis says. “How about we change the subject entirely?” He looks at me. In a question that sounds much like the echo of Imry’s from a few days ago, he asks, “You bored at home yet? Excited to get back to school next week?”
I shrug. While I’m not thrilled to talk about this, it’s better than the weirdness that was just taking place. “I don’t know. I admit that I enjoy all the breaks I have built in that comes with working at a university, but…” I shrug again. “I don’t know if I want to spend my life in this career. Which is fine and all. I’m all about following your dreams, no matter what your age is. But that’s the problem. I don’t know what I want to do. I think that’s part of what leaves me so unsettled about other things in my life, you know?”
“Yes,” Oakley says in exaggerated enthusiasm. “That’s why I’m a stay-at-home husband. I just don’t know what I want to do with my life! I want to do something , but how do you choose?”
“Same,” Briar says, chuckling. “I didn’t think this was the path my life would take. Don’t get me wrong—I have zero regrets, but did I ever imagine being a stay-at-home husband and father? Not in a million lifetimes.”
“What I’m hearing is that I need a rich husband so I can take my time to determine what I want to do with my life,” I muse.
“Well… how are things going with Imry?” Levis says. I know it’s a tease, but it feels like a very heavy question.
I chew the inside of my lip, my eyes drifting to the fading rope burn on my wrist. “Oren says I need to give myself permission to see where this relationship goes,” I confide. “I think he’s right, but… I don’t know how to do that.”
“What does that mean? I think we need to start at the beginning of that thought,” Honey Bee says.
“I feel like I’m holding back. Keeping distance. Decidedly not committing to him. I get that it’s kind of a formality since we’re definitely exclusive and we do things that don’t include sex—hanging out without orgasms and all.”
Oakley snorts.
“I guess… I think it’s a mental block, you know? I spent twenty years carefully creating a neutral identity so I wouldn’t gain my family’s attention. I’ve only had a year and a half of trying to figure out who I am. What I want to do with my life. I feel like that’s a journey I should be making on my own. And how can I explore it on my own when I’m in a relationship?”
“That’s a lot of pressure,” Brek says. “Unnecessary pressure. You make the rules, Haze. You don’t have to do it on your own or with others.”
“Even in a relationship, you don’t have to let that relationship influence that part of your growth,” Levis points out. “You aren’t obtaining another limb when you commit to a partner. You get to keep your individual identities. You can live separate lives as well as parts of your lives together.”
I nod as I let their words sink in. I’m relieved to feel something like a weight lift from my shoulders. Those might be the combination of words I needed to hear. “Maybe. Keep talking. This is helping.”
Levis chuckles, and his hand falls to my leg, squeezing it gently. “Contrary to what some people would have you think, you don’t dump the life you’ve been living before your partner. You don’t have to orbit your entire existence around this new person. You’re allowed to have your own friends, your own hobbies, your own thoughts.”
“Even my obsessive husband, whose brain works vastly different from ours, understands that we can have separate parts of our lives that are all our own,” Oakley says. “Yes, he likes to hang out with us sometimes when I’m with you, but he’s not always here. Like he’s not now.”
“I bet Imry will understand that too,” Honey Bee says. “In fact, I bet he already does.”
“Thanks,” I say. “This makes me feel a lot better. Not sure I want to commit to anything because I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of relationship, but all the anxiety around this feels lighter.”
“Good,” Levis says. He pats my leg. “But really. These marks on your wrist. That’s just play? You’re not seriously hurt, right?” I meet his eyes, and he grins. “Okay. Just asking.”
“Just play,” I agree. “If you must know, apparently, I have a chase kink that happens to coincide with being tied up and fucked.”
“Thank you for saying so when I’m not drinking something,” Briar deadpans.
I wait for him to bring his water to his mouth and add, “I also like being choked.” He manages not to inhale his water, but I receive a glare all the same. So I give him a wide grin. “You’re awfully cute when you get flustered, boo.”
Briar gives me the middle finger. With a grin, I turn back to Emerson. He yawns, his eyes blinking open. Oakley leans against my side, placing his head on my shoulder, and gently runs his fingers through Emerson’s hair. On my other side, Levis leans in to take Emerson’s little hand. His whole hand fits around Levis’ finger.
Emerson’s eyes close again, and he settles back into sleep. “Yep. Definitely perfect.”
“He’s going to be so damn spoiled,” Honey Bee says.
I smile because she’s absolutely right.
I’m not sure why this suddenly comes into my head now, as I’m staring at Emerson and thinking about how we’re going to turn him into a spoiled rich boy, but I look up. “Oh! Did you guys know the Van Dorens have a fallout shelter?”
“What?” Oakley asks.
“No way!” Brek says. “That’s so cool.”
“Cool?” Honey Bee says, making a face. “Why would they have a fallout shelter? I didn’t realize they were doomsday preppers.”
“I guess some great-grandparent was a little paranoid back in the day. Then with WWI, WWII, and then the Cold War, it got expanded since there were constant threats on the horizon,” I say, shrugging.
“That’s understandable,” Levis says. “Everyone everywhere was terrified of nuclear war.”
Honey Bee nods thoughtfully.
“Anyway. When I tell you they have a fallout shelter, I’m not talking some little cement hole in the ground. It spans under this entire property and has three levels, going deeper into the earth. It’s massive—an entire damn city.”
“I’m not surprised. As we saw over the holidays, the Van Dorens are a very large family,” Oakley says.
“No, you don’t understand. They have a massive field that will be an actual field if the place ever needs to be used seriously. It has an incredible amount of grow lights. There are frozen seeds and shit. Then there’s the pasture that, again, will come alive if needed, and the animals will be brought underground too. There are streets! I even saw a damn swimming pool, and I only looked at one level.”
“Imry brought you into it?” Brek asks.
I nod. “We were headed to some other extravagant shit when I spotted a tube coming out of the ground. There are probably a dozen entrances.”
“I bet that’s why they have such a huge lake,” Honey Bee says. “Granted, if the water gets irradiated, it’s no good, but it’s a pretty big lake for a desert estate.”
“There might be an aquifer under there,” Levis says.
“Maybe. Maybe they’re controlling the water flow to keep the lake filled, but run it through the systems,” she suggests.
I shrug. “I didn’t ask how it works. I do know they have it maintained, and all the systems checked monthly.”
“Wow,” Oakley says. “I’m definitely curious. Maybe we can take a field trip down there.”
I hope we never get to a point in life where it’s needed. On the other hand, what an adventure that would be!