Chapter 5
Reluctance and excitement.
Disgust and attraction.
Repulsion and chemistry.
Fear and euphoria.
Everything blurred together in a symphony of feelings from a time long lost.
We sat back on the couch and went on sharing the bottle between the two of us. I hadn’t had anything to eat since that afternoon, and could feel myself getting tipsy by the minute.
I smirked, staring into nothingness.
“Life really is absurd, isn’t it? So much about it is utterly senseless. Us assigning the meaning to life is nothing but a pathetic attempt to escape the reality and the fear of realizing there is no meaning. There really isn’t.”
He rested head on his arm and kept listening silently as liquor loosened my tongue.
“Sometimes I think, if life has no meaning, I’m not going to do anything.
What’s the point? I’m gonna die anyway. Then I remember how much time I’ve still got to waste, and I have to look for the damn meaning.
I have to keep looking for it. I have to do something.
Live my life out of spite. At times like these, it really feels like I have no other choice. ”
“You can make a mark on the world, if you want. That way you can live forever.”
“To me, that’s an illusion. Even if I managed to leave a mark in history, be it a hefty contribution to the world or my offspring, all of it would be gone eventually.
Everything comes to an end. I don’t believe in living while you’re remembered.
What about those living all alone? No one remembers them, and yet, they live their little lives just fine.
Aren’t they living now? They are. And once the die, they’re gone. ”
I could see Justin’s gaze wander deep into the realm of memories.
“I don’t know, what it’s like to lose a loved one.
All my loved ones are alive. Maybe once I do lose someone, I’ll convince myself they’re still alive.
Since memories of them will keep on living in my heart until I die.
And to be fair, what really scares me is not the thoughts of them being forgotten, it’s the idea of them being dead. ”
“Isn’t it liberating?”
“What?”
“To have a chance to find your own meaning. You don’t get a guide, and you don’t need one.
How do you write one guide to a billion of unique lives, compressing everything there is to know into three hundred, or even a thousand pages?
It’s impossible. Okay, fine. Let’s say the book exists.
What kind of life follows some book? What is that life worth?
It definitely wouldn’t have made you happier.
It would have tied you down, and you’re longing for freedom.
Now you can do anything you want. You can choose any path.
Any calling and any man. Doesn’t it make you appreciate life even more for its uniqueness? ”
“It makes me feel scared, because I don’t know, who I really am,” I whispered, “I mean, I appreciate life, but my fear of it is far stronger. The burden of huge responsibility is piled on us from birth. You have to figure yourself out, choose your path, make an insane amount of decisions you are completely clueless about. And it all has to be done yesterday, because today it’s already too late. ”
“Frankly, I don’t give a damn what happens to me after I die, whether anyone would remember me and all that stuff. Right now I’m crystal clear about this: I like this lousy tequila, I like our discussion, I like sharing a drink with you, and I like y-... ”
Loud rumble interrupted us. Three drunk guys stumbled into the greenhouse.
One of them saw us and whistled.
“My bad.”
The guy with blond highlights began to speak, but his speech was slurring bad. His friends stood close by, cackling.
“Do we, wait, do you have any smokes?”
“No.”
We answered in unison, letting me know Justin also wasn’t too happy about the sudden company.
The second guy pointed a finger at me.
“Oh, hey. You’re Oscar’s girlfriend.”
I’m not his fucking girlfriend.
The highlights guy shoved him back towards the house and slammed the door behind them.
All was quiet once more. Awkward tension hung in the air.
Justin opened his mouth to say something, but I spoke first.
“I need a bathroom break.”
I got up and went upstairs.
Walking up the steps, I could feel I was almost drunk enough to be rewarded with bad coordination for the rest of the night. I was happy about it, because that way my shame, embarrassment and self-consciousness would no longer be visible on my face, like they usually were.
Afterwards I went downstairs and was just a few steps away from the door when Oscar suddenly came into view.
All the air got knocked out of my lungs, it felt like a punch in the guts.
He looked drunk.
Off his face.
His glassy eyes were half-lidded. Shirt stained with beer. Hair a mess. He was staggering on level ground.
“Where did you go? I’ve been looking for you. ”
He was slurring, but I could still make out his words.
“I don’t feel so good. I want to go outside, get some air.”
I wanted to walk around him, but he wasn’t going to let me pass. My pulse quickened.
Oscar grabbed me by the left shoulder and slammed me into the wall hard enough for me to bang my head on it.
“I knew something was up.”
He was breathing heavily, looking me in the eye. For a moment, his stare went blank, and then he slammed a fist into the wall right next to my face.
I froze, my feet stuck to the ground. I watched him, fighting off a trembling fit.
Was I gonna be next?
Oscar staggered back, swaying left to right.
He wasn’t a tall guy, but he was bulky. He looked down, and it took me a minute to realize, why.
His gaze began dragging lewdly along my body.
It snaked up my legs, waist, then my chest. I felt a sense of lingering fear, crawling from my pelvis. The fear of what was coming next.
Finally, his eyes reached mine. Fear was clear in my eyes. His gaze showed a complete loss of control.
It’s terrifying to be with someone who can do anything they want to you with no real consequences. People like him and his parents would step over you without a passing glance. They have connections, money isn’t a problem for them. Their problem is a person with an open mouth.
The walls seemed to have grown arms holding me firmly in place.
He broke into a crooked smile.
“Zoe.”
He grabbed my cheeks with his sticky hands.
Let me go.
“Zoe. You know how much I appreciate you. You mean a lot to me. ”
I kept nodding, like a bobble-head doll on a dashboard.
“You’re so beautiful, but you know there are girls much prettier than you. They’re dreaming of taking your place.”
I kept nodding.
“Then don’t fucking ruin it,” he spat.
He was mad, but I couldn’t understand what I did wrong. Had his pals told him about Justin and I, his fist would have landed on my face instead of the wall. That meant, he didn’t know anything.
“Of course. I won’t.”
I said it under my breath, looking into his glazed-over eyes.
His right hand began stroking my hair. Next, he leaned closer and pressed his wet, liquor stained lips to mine.
I didn’t want to return the kiss, but I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.
I opened my mouth and he pushed his tongue in. It wasn’t a kiss, it seemed more like he was trying to devour me. I felt numb and repulsed.
“You’re so hot.”
A drunken grin stretched across his face.
“Oscar! Oscar! Get over here!”
“Coming,” he barked loud enough to make my ears ring.
He stroked my hair and left.
I let out all the air I’d been keeping in my lungs. I stood there, feeling frustrated and disgusted. Disgusted with myself.
Shock was fading away, and the brain was in control again. I ran to the greenhouse, running outside from it. I stopped and looked at the dark forest until my heart stopped racing. Forest at night used to scare me, but not tonight.
I turned back to the house when I heard the door open. Justin was walking towards me, bottle in hand.
I looked down, ignoring his smile. Once he came closer, I snatched the bottle from his hand and gulped the liquor down like I was dying of thirst .
“What happened?”
“Idiot,” I spat.
“Didn’t realize I was making such an impression.”
“No. Not you.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
He clenched his teeth, looking stern.
I bit down my lover lip and shook my head a little, moving the lip under my teeth anxiously.
“You’re all red.”
His cool hands touched my cheeks.
His touch relieved the heat I was already getting used to.
I knew it was the perfect time for us to kiss. But the moment was ruined. I didn’t want to kiss him. Not after what happened only five minutes ago.
I pressed the bottle to his chest and went towards the greenhouse.
“I believe, it’s my turn to ask questions.”
I smiled weakly.
I shouldn’t have gone to the house.
“Did you come here alone?”
Wish I didn’t come at all.
“No.”
I had to say “No”.
“You?”
Why was I standing there like a fool?
“No.”
Shitty day.
“You don’t go to parties all that often, do you?”
Shitty party.
“No.”
Justin got quiet and we kept sharing the rest of the bottle in silence .
I tried to calm down my whirlwind of thoughts. It’s no use, but I didn’t want to give up.
“Wanna play a game?”
“Sure.”
Justin’s smile melted my heart, and his blue lagoon eyes drew all my thoughts back to him.
“Each one of us says three things about themselves, and only one of them has to be true. You go first.”
“I’m on our soccer team. I major in Literature. I don’t drink alcohol.”
I burst out laughing.
“You aren’t even trying. Be serious.”
He reached behind the couch and pulled a new bottle.
Opening it, he said,
“This’ll help me get more serious.”
I laughed even harder.
“Alright. My turn. I’m allergic to red pepper. I dream of living in a large house. I have a boyfriend.”
“Oh. I’d like to believe you no longer have a boyfriend. Otherwise, how do you explain him leaving you alone at a party.”
“Choose faster.”
“The red pepper one is true.”
“No, come on.”
We laughed together.
The second bottle plunged me into a drunken haze. It got harder to think, and everything seemed hilarious. My tongue got loose enough to be dangerous for me.
Once we stopped giggling, Justin’s face got serious.
“You’re dreaming of a large house. And that’s true.”
“Yeaah. You got that right.”
I cried out gleefully. I jumped up and reached out to hug him .
We kept playing, the game ramping up in difficulty as the slur in my speech got worse. Seeing this, Justin would no longer pass me the bottle.
I rested my head on the back of the couch, still smiling at him. He brushed a few strands of hair out of my face and tucked them behind my ear.
My gaze slowly began to slide down his body. He had a fine nose with a slight crook. A small beauty mark over one eyebrow. His light blond hair grew out. Soon it would get in his way.
My eyelids grew heavy. I wanted to let sleep overtake me, but I also really wanted to stay.
“I like you.”
Did I hear that right? Or was it my mind playing tricks on me? What if he actually said that?
I like you, too.
I stopped resisting the tender embrace of balmy darkness and gladly let it finally take me.