Chapter 34
Does the end always justify the means? It always mattered to me.
I overcame all obstacles and moved on forward.
I knew I’d make it. I believed in the idea.
I worked towards it. But sometimes you can put all you have into it and end up with nothing.
No one will support you. No one will lend you a shoulder.
I slowly opened my eyes and immediately closed them because of the light peeking through the gap in the poorly drawn curtains.
The sunlight was shining straight into my eyes and I squeezed them shut, turning my back to it.
I pulled the blanket over my head and couldn’t understand why it smelled so good. The smell was familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.
I took a deep breath of the enticing aroma. I wanted it to fill my lungs. I wanted to take a bath with this scent.
Why did my bed smell so good?
The realization hit me like a thunderbolt.
My eyes shot open.
I looked at the blanket clutched in my hands and quickly flung it back.
It was his scent and I was still in his bed.
My pulse picked up.
I turned to the left and didn’t see him there.
Did he sleep next to me?
No. The likes of him sleep under the entrails of the earth .
I got out of bed and was about to leave, but something stopped me in my tracks. I was naked.
I turned my head and saw my white T-shirt on a chair. I pulled it on and felt liquid running down my inner thighs. I ran my hand over it and realized it was blood mixed with his semen.
Memories of yesterday flashed through my mind like beacon lights. His dirty talk, his hands, the slaps, his deep voice. I stopped the intoxicating flow of memories dead and headed to my room.
While I was taking a shower, I tried to fight off the shame and self-loathing.
I blamed myself for enjoying it. I wasn’t supposed to like it. It had to be almost mechanical. I should feel disgust towards him, but I could sense a different feeling. It changed.
Hundreds of questions ran through my head, but I was only truly curious about one.
Why did he want me to cum?
He knew it was just a regular deal. I was the product, he was Mr. Moneybaggs. He could have done anything to my body. Could have mutilated me. Could have raped me all night. But he didn’t.
He made me cum and crave him even now. He made me savor the memories, dreaming of having another chance with him.
Yesterday I realized that there was no way back not only because of the tainting of my soul, but because of the addiction he plunged me into.
I knew those weren’t my desires. It’s what my body wanted, and body is mindless. He couldn’t be trusted.
Once I was done with the shower, I got dressed and went downstairs, to the dining room.
With every step, memories developed like frames of a film. My hands were sweating and my heart was beating wildly in my chest.
I opened the door and walked in like a puppet. My eyes stared at my feet. I could feel his eyes on me. It was like he was calling me. Wanted me to see him .
Sitting down at the table, I cursed under my breath again at how small it was.
The freshness of his alluring scent hit me hard.
I looked at the food. I took the yogurt and added fresh berries to it. I mixed it slowly and brought the spoon to my mouth.
I kept staring at my plate as if nothing had happened while a war was raging within me. My thoughts fought like rabid dogs, ready to rip each other’s throats out.
I fought for what’s right while my mind screamed that I’d betrayed everyone I loved and cared for.
I convinced myself it wasn’t my fault and that I did it for my mom, not because I wanted it.
Another voice was screaming how I enjoyed every moment of it.
I responded that I was glad I could enjoy it and that the experience didn’t traumatize me.
The voice said it’d have been better if it had left me traumatized, rather than turning me into a rat and a slut.
It asked how I’d ever be able to look my parents, my mom in the eye after this.
And I told it I was never going to see them again.
The voice said it served me right that I wouldn’t get to see them, because murderers didn’t deserve to see their loved ones.
My throat felt tight and my stomach started to curdle.
The voice wouldn’t stop.
It asked, what about Justin? He killed Justin. What’s it like, to sleep with a murderer? What’s it like to know pleasure at the hands that took the life of your true love? What would Justin have said about it?
The voice punched me in the gut. I felt the aftertaste of my ugly actions and feelings in my mouth.
I wanted to reply that I didn’t know for a fact if he was the one who killed him. But I knew I was fooling myself.
If you choose to touch the darkness, don’t forget you’ll become a part of it. I was so nasty, I could be placed alongside the reaper himself.
My appetite was gone, but I kept stuffing the food in my mouth .
A hard feeling bore heavily on my chest. I couldn’t change the past. And I truly was sorry.
“Did you sleep well?”
I glanced up and immediately lowered my gaze back to my yogurt.
“Yes. I did,” I said under my breath.
We had to get back to our normal interactions.
I hated the stench of this gross awkwardness.
“What about you?”
“Usually I don’t sleep much, but your naked body pressed to mine made me stay in bed a bit longer.”
Shame crushed me from within.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“For what? For sleeping peacefully while your body was pressed to mine?”
“You should’ve woken me up and kicked me out.”
“I will, next time.”
Was there going to be the next time?
No.
I took a sip of my tea and burned my tongue right away.
“Eric. You owe me money.”
I stared him down confidently.
“Do I? Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think so, Zoe.”
He took a sip of his coffee.
“We had a deal, and we settled it yesterday.”
“The thing is, there was no deal yesterday.”
I was about to open my mouth, but he beat me to it,
“Did I tell you I took your deal? That I was going to pay you? Did we sign any papers?”
I rolled the ring anxiously.
“So you just used me? ”
“And you liked that.”
A smile lingered on his lips, and I hid my hands between my thighs to keep from splashing boiling water in his face.
“But I need money. I really do. And you know it.”
I tried to keep my voice flat.
“I’m willing to pay and will gladly do so if you give me a good offer. Do you have anything I might want, Zoe?”
“Yes. And I’ve already given it to you. Sex was the deal. You got what you wanted. Now give me what I want.”
“So, you’re a whore?”
He clenched his jaw.
“Excuse me?”
“Only whores get money for sex. So tell me, are you a whore, Zoe?”
He said this with such ill-concealed anger, as if it wasn’t he who had just spat in my face, but I who had insulted him.
How could he be angry?
“I’m not a whore,” I replied through gritted teeth.
Anger was boiling within me.
“We made a verbal agreement. I gave you my terms and told you why I need the money.”
“Do you want me to treat you like a whore?”
“Aren’t you doing that already when you give me away to the likes of Roosevelt?”
“Sixty grand is a lot of money. I’m willing to give you one grand every time we fuck. Now, tell me, Zoe, are you going to be my whore?”
Anger was seething inside of me, trying to find a way out. I wanted to break a plate and drive a shard deep into his black heart.
“I will be a whore,” I hissed.
“Not just a whore, but my personal whore. One I’d fuck every day, whenever and wherever I want. I’ll do anything I want and you can’t tell me no . Now ask me. Nicely. ”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“May I be a whore?”
“No.”
I frowned.
What the hell was wrong with him?
“You didn’t say your . Try again. I know that sweet voice and those pouty lips of yours can do much better.”
“May I be your whore?”
“Take your clothes off.”
“What?”
“I could change my mind.”
I stood up and took off my shirt, then pulled down my pants.
I was about to slip my hand out of the bra strap when he said,
“You can keep the underwear on.”
How noble. What a true gentleman.
Marta entered the room, and I quickly sat down at the table, covering my chest with the shirt.
He looked at me with a wide grin on his face.
He was having fun. Of course. Why else would he do this if not for fun? Money no longer brought him as much joy as holding power over people’s lives would.
Not looking up once, Marta poured us coffee, cleared the plates and left.
“Does it have to be here?” I whispered.
“Oh, I want it right here.”
He took his coffee cup and pushed the table to the side.
“I want to watch you touch yourself.”
I could not believe the words I heard.
I wanted to sink through the floor and never lay my eyes on him again.
Noticing my hesitation, he took out his wallet, took a wad of bills and threw them on the table.
“Motivating enough? ”
He raised an eyebrow.
I didn’t know where to begin with this. What was I supposed to do?
I did touch myself, but it’s been a long while. And I’d never touched myself in front of others before.
My eyes fell on the door. Was Marta going to come again? What if she saw me like that?
I stopped thinking and slid my hand into my panties.
With a trembling hand, I rubbed my clit through the lacy underwear.
He watched me, sipping his coffee, as if it was a regular morning of an ordinary day.
“Need a hand?”
I quickly looked up at him and grabbed the bottom of the chair with my left hand.
I wanted him to stop my torment, but I didn’t want him to join in.
I closed my eyes and tried to imagine he wasn’t there.
But who should I think of, if not him?
His steamy kiss at the gala, his gaze filled with wild lust, him kneeling in front of me, his naked ripped body, his strong hands, his groans, the dirty talk, the slapping of our bodies, his fingers circling my clit.
My mouth opened, I began breathing heavily. My pulse was racing. I could feel myself blush. My panties were getting wet. Everything down below swelled up and throbbed in anticipation.
Longing for him.
“Open your eyes, vita mea .”
I opened them, still touching myself.
He clenched his teeth, eyeing me with a hungry look. He got hard. I could see it through his pants.
This sent a new wave of pleasure down to my wet folds .
He pulled the chair closer so that our legs were touching each other.
“I want you to look at me every time you cum.”
He leaned closer and ran his hand over my cheek, neck and chest. His hand reached under my bra, caressing and feeling my breasts. He played with my nipple and I let out a loud moan.
His warm hand sent waves of heat throughout my body.
“You’re all flushed, and so damn gorgeous, Zoe. If you don’t cum right now, I’m gonna pop it in and fuck you right on the chair.”
My hand pressed even harder and circled over my slick panties. I wanted it to happen. My body was screaming for it. My wanton pleas were ready to fall from my lips, but I held them in.
He leaned in and said,
“Cum for me.”
His words made me let out a loud moan. It echoed off the walls of the room. I came for him.
Ecstasy was spreading through my body, but it wasn’t as intense as it was yesterday. It was soft, gentle.
I quickly pulled my right hand away from my underwear, not waiting for the afterglow.
He smiled as he looked at me, and I looked down at my knees sandwiched between his.
This was so shameful, so embarrassing.
I got up and got dressed quickly.
My gaze fell on the money. I grabbed it, squeezing the cash tightly in my hand, and headed for the exit.
This wasn’t anywhere near enough. How many times would I have to sleep with him to get the sixty thousand?
Sixty times.
I’d have to sleep with him sixty times .
Two months and a day. That’s how long it would take me to earn sixty grand, provided he slept with me every day, which didn’t sound feasible.
Damn.
I needed a new plan.