Chapter 18
chapter eighteen
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: recognize
I didn't have a lot of experience in sleeping with Audrey Saunders.
We'd shared plenty of nights when her parents were out of town but they'd been the kind where sleep was the last priority.
Back then, it was about gulping down those frenzied, forbidden moments.
I'd been too caught up in the primal, screaming need of it all to slow down and appreciate the simple goodness of being close to her, of sleeping with her.
It wasn't simple anymore.
When I returned to the room last night, Audrey had a small cylinder plugged in beside the bed—a white noise machine or something like that—and a pillow cleaving her side from mine. She'd been asleep, or doing an excellent job of faking it, and I couldn't believe how thoroughly I'd fucked this up.
I really didn't know how I thought this plan would come together for me.
For months, I'd told myself all I had to do was find a way to get Audrey on board and everything else would fall into place.
I dodged the technical details wherever I could.
I did everything in my power to avoid thinking about the reality of being with her again.
But the trouble with Audrey was that she changed me.
It'd always been that way, right from the start.
I hated it at first. Hated the way the back of my neck prickled and blood pumped harder in my veins and my chest seemed to open up, like I hadn't known what it meant to take a deep breath until she ignored the shit out of me in school.
But also, I couldn't breathe at all when she was around.
Couldn't think, couldn't function until I learned everything about her.
And when I knew her, she changed me a little more. She softened the pointless anger I'd clutched tight like a security blanket and smoothed my self-righteous rebellion into something useful. She allowed me all the contempt I wanted because she came armed with her own supply of it.
More than all of that, she gave me a sense of calm I'd never known before and never since. There were days when I didn't trust the memories to tell me the truth. How could I? The only other time I'd felt anything close to that calm was when I had a tooth pulled and the drugs hit me all at once.
But now, waking up in this nightmare of a motel room, I realized the memories barely did it justice.
We'd abandoned our mindful posts on the far edges of the bed and turned toward each other in the night, our heads bowed together on the pillow meant to separate us.
There was a light, gentle scent to Audrey, different from what I'd remembered but I still recognized it as hers.
I stared at the long braid draped over her shoulder and the way her lips pulled together in a pouting frown.
She'd wrapped her hand around my forearm at some point, her fingers pressed to my pulse.
I'd been a fool, all those years ago, to think sex could ever be more important than waking up with her like this.
And I was still a fool because I thought I could pretend with this woman. That I wouldn't bend toward her every chance I got. That I wouldn't let her destroy me all over again.
I stared at her for another minute before prying myself from her grasp.
We'd slept late and there were things to do.
I had to check in with Woody to see about progress on the car, apologize to my mother another fifteen times, confirm that my son wasn't being left to wander the shores of Saginaw Bay on his own, and let my attorney bill me two hundred dollars for a five minute call.
The most important item on that list was getting out of the bed and into the shower while Audrey was still asleep.
If she woke up to find us sharing a pillow, we'd be finished here.
The fact we'd shared a bed was some kind of miracle, but if she realized she'd reached for me in the middle of the night, she'd shut right down.
And I wouldn't blame her. It was fucking with my head too.
The shower was about as awful as I'd expected. Dark and oddly narrow, and the pipes made noises I didn't trust.
I'd been in there about ten minutes when the bathroom door banged open and Audrey said, "Jude, I need you." I blinked water from my eyes as she pulled back the curtain, a towel waiting in her grip. "Now. Please?"
Instinct took over as I turned off the water. "Anything, baby. What is it?"
She didn't glance away while I wrapped the towel around my waist and all the anatomy that sprang to life whenever she was around. That should've raised a red flag about what was to come, but saying she needed me overrode everything else.
She pointed to the door, her other hand looped around the tail of her braid. "There's a lizard on the curtains."
"Slow down, sweetheart, just—" As I brought a wet hand to her shoulder, I finally comprehended her words. "Did you say lizard?"
"Yes, a lizard and it's on the curtains in the room we slept in and I need you to get it. Now. Please."
"Shit."
"Yeah, basically."
I darted out of the bathroom, Audrey close behind me.
The metal bed frame and leak-water barrel stood between us and the window.
I stepped around the frame and focused on the heavy curtains.
The fabric was gray, though I didn't think it'd started out that way.
I could tell from here it was thick and textured.
"Up there," Audrey said from behind me, her fingertips barely pressed to the center of my back. "Near the rod. I heard something—like soft scratching—and then I saw the curtains move."
I spotted the creature then, and while it didn't help anything, I let out a snarled, "Holy fuck."
"Yeah, I know, don't remind me. I've already died several times," Audrey said.
It wasn't one of the little guys that sunbathed in my mom's backyard. It was probably a foot long and I was pretty sure it had horns. In this area, there was a solid chance it was poisonous too.
I didn't have a game plan here. I searched the room but the best I could come up with was ripping off this towel and catching the lizard in there, which was a terrible plan because it left me naked and holding a pissed-off, possibly poisonous reptile.
Then I caught sight of Audrey's scones. I pulled the lid off and dumped the remaining chunks and crumbs on the dresser. "When I tell you, open the door and get out of the way."
I stepped around the bed frame, the container and lid in hand, and kept an eye on the lizard as I went. When it seemed like I had the best angle possible, I took my shot. I felt the thunk of that big boy as he landed in the dish and then held the lid down like her life depended on it.
"Open," I yelled, striding toward the door.
She flung it wide and pressed herself to the wall. I jogged across the parking lot, the pavement like a hot griddle on my bare feet. When I reached a cluster of cactus and scrub brush, I set my friend off on a new adventure.
The motherfucker definitely had horns.
On the way back, I chucked Audrey's container in the dumpster. I had a feeling she wouldn't be using it again.
As I approached the room, I saw her peeking around the edge of the door, her eyes wide. "Taken care of," I said.
She nodded, still clinging to the door as I stepped inside. She shut it behind me and we scanned the room as if we'd find more uninvited guests waiting for us. Nothing jumped out at us—thank god. I didn't think we'd survive that.
Audrey twined her legs together, the bottom of one foot layered over the top of the other.
I knew this wasn't the time, but I followed that bare skin and devoured every inch of her silky pink pajamas.
Tiny shorts and a shirt I could unbutton in five seconds flat.
I could probably run my hand up the inside of her thigh and— No. No.
Fuuuuck. I fucking hated that she did this to me and I hated that I didn't want to live another day without her.
And more than all of that, I hated that I invented this whole stupid situation.
If I hadn't lied to my mother, I could've gone about my life without sleeping beside the woman who broke me—twice—and rescuing her from a small dragon.
And I damn well would've been happy about it. Or something close enough to happy.
"I'm obviously never sleeping again," she said, fully immune to the nonsense running through my head.
"Valid," I replied. "Really fuckin' valid."
"Can we agree we're burning this place to the ground now?"
Best idea I'd heard in days. "One hundred percent. Hand me the lighter fluid."
She laughed but it sounded like a cringe. "How long do you think that thing was in here?"
"I really don't want to know," I said.
"Yeah, the more I explore that thought, the more I want to sit in a simmering pool of acid because what if the lizard was on me last night? What if it licked my ear or—"
"Stop." I held up a hand. "Don't do that to yourself. Or to me, because it could've licked either one of us."
She gave an irritable shrug that told me she didn't like it when I was right and glanced at the discarded bits of scone strewn across the dresser. "Thanks for getting rid of the container."
"I didn't think you wanted it back." I nodded as I picked up the wastebasket and cleaned up the debris. "Sorry about this."
She glanced at the towel around my waist and then quickly away.
"Sorry about barging in on you." Pink rose in her cheeks.
She rolled her lips together, still avoiding my eyes—and towel.
She had noticed her effect on me, then. "I panicked and didn't think about what you were—well.
I didn't think." She ran her foot up the back of her opposite leg and twisted a finger around the end of her braid.
"I should probably let you get back in there. "
I was suddenly very aware of how thin this towel was and how very much my body missed being close to her. "It's all good," I said. "I was just about at the 'contemplating life' stage anyway."
"Oh. Okay." She brushed the end of her braid over her lips and along her jaw. I heard myself swallow. "If you don't mind, I'm going to—" She pointed to the bathroom door.
"All yours." I closed my hand around the towel's knot. Couldn't believe it'd held up through all of that. "I'm going to touch base with Woody and see if he has any updates on the car and then make a few calls."
She swept a gaze around the room like she expected something to jump out and bite her.
I didn't blame her for that but it occurred to me she might not want to be left alone.
Before I could offer a change of plans, she said, "That's great, actually, because I was thinking about walking over to the fair. "
"Yeah. Okay." I nodded as she went on teasing her hair over her lips. If she kept that up, this towel would start telling all my secrets. "I'll message you with any updates."
She grabbed a few smaller bags and ducked into the bathroom. The door snicked shut and then the lock popped into place, and I let out a long groan as I rubbed a hand down my face. "What the fuck just happened to me?"