Chapter 22
chapter twenty-two
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: intervene
Another call from Percy came in and then one more while I hunted down some hand sanitizer. With that handled, I grabbed some dry shorts and a shirt. I stepped outside, the rain slowing as the storm moved through, and accepted the next call.
"I called you six times," he signed.
"Nice to see you too," I replied, dropping onto the metal chair I'd found Audrey in earlier. The fresh air blowing in with the storm felt good on my skin. Good for my head too. "And you know that if I'm not able to answer right away, I'll always call you back as soon as I can."
He stared at me, his lips pursed as if he cared very little for this feedback.
If only he knew how little I cared for his timing tonight.
Then, "We went to a water park today and some of it was fun but it was really loud.
There were a lot of big kids and they all ran around a lot.
" He glanced around his dark bedroom. "But I tried a churro and now I like them. "
"That's…" I shook my head. Didn't know Brenda had a water park visit on the docket for today. Didn't know how much I liked that idea, seeing as Percy managed to contract an eye infection from every public pool he'd ever glanced at. "Good news about the churros."
"They're fire."
"Fire?" I echoed, and repeated the sign back to him because I refused to believe my four-year-old understood what he was saying. "Churros are fire?"
He nodded, his chubby cheeks round as he grinned. I still saw a baby when I looked at him. "Miss Maddie came to the water park. She thinks churros are fire too."
"Mmm. Yeah. I bet she does." Maddie had been Penny's best friend. They grew up together. Maddie still lived in her childhood home, a few doors down from Brenda. She adored Percy. Me, she could do without. "How are your eyes? Anything feeling itchy?"
"I'm okay," he signed, his attention shifting to his stuffed animals. "Can we find churros in Virginia?"
"We have churros back home," I said. "What about Grandma? How's she doing?"
"Asleep." He shrugged. "I turned off the TV and checked the doors after dinner though."
God fucking help me. "What about brushing your teeth?"
"Already done." He smoothed a hand over his favorite stuffie, a small, fluffy dog he called Beast.
"Okay. What else is on your mind?"
"Nothing." Another shrug. "How many days until I can go home?"
"Just a few more weeks," I said. "Do you want me to read to you? We could get through another chapter if you want."
"Miss Maddie said I could go to kindergarten if I stay here." His pouty glare sliced right through me. "Why do I have to wait until next year if I go home?"
I almost dropped the phone. If I go home. I wanted my kid to know his mother's family and where she'd grown up. But coparenting with people who kept praying I'd decide to forfeit my parental rights and turn my son over to them was a nightmare.
The last thing I wanted was for my kid to realize he was caught between people who wanted very different things for him. Still, it seemed like I was the only one with that priority.
I cleared my throat and forced myself to exhale as much tension as possible before answering. "I'm not sure that's the way it works in Michigan, buddy. I think you still need to be five by the start of September."
"Miss Maddie says I can."
I felt hard, corded tension locking up my neck as I nodded.
Maddie came in strong with the fun aunt energy.
This often took the shape of Donuts for dinner!
and Of course you can skip your occupational therapy exercises today!
and If you lived here, we could have sleepovers every night!
"I know this is a big deal for you and it's important to me too. "
"I don't want to go to that baby school anymore," he signed. "I don't want to go there ever in infinity."
That baby school cost more than most undergrad tuition and had a specialized program for young children with communication differences. He'd learned ASL there and how to use different apps and tools to express himself.
His main beef with the place was that they didn't have enough books to keep up with his appetite—or much of a plan for working with a kid reading at his absurdly high level. That, and he was barely out of toddlerhood and couldn't form objective opinions on these things yet.
"You won't be going back there," I said. "I'm going to find the perfect place for you. I have a friend who's a teacher and I'm going to get her advice. She'll know what to do. Trust me on this."
He stroked Beast's head as one tear streaked down his cheek. "Okay."
"All right, young man. Listen up." When he met my gaze after a long moment of tending to Beast, I said, "It's really late for me. I'm going to conk out any minute. We better get you into that bed."
He set the tablet down and shuffled around the room, rearranging his stuffies and pulling down the sheets. When he climbed into bed, he propped the tablet between his toys and curled on his side to face me. "Are you at Grammy Jannie's house now?"
"Not yet," I said. "I'll get there tomorrow."
"Are you going to ride horses?"
I shook my head. Another thing we'd missed on Mom's itinerary. "Not this time but we'll definitely do it when we visit her for the holidays this winter."
"Special secret trails only.”
"You know me," I replied. "I don't get on a horse unless it's to ride with my child on unmarked trails in unfamiliar territory."
He gave me a floppy little salute as he yawned. "Remember not to eat any of Grammy Jannie's candy."
I'd learned the hard way that the candy dishes scattered around my mother's place were filled with medicinal treats. I ended up sleeping it off on the floor because the bed felt too porous. Which had been a very real concern for me at the time.
"Thanks for the reminder." I'd have to mention that to Audrey. God only knew what would happen if my mother dosed her with her special blend of psychoactives. "Do you want to watch some videos? Or do you want me to read to you?"
He tapped a finger to his chin. We started watching funny internet videos when he'd been miserably sick with an ear infection.
I scrolled through social media while he dozed in my lap but he stopped me when a panda video came across my feed.
For thirty seconds, the only thing that mattered to him was watching those pandas fall out of trees and roll down hills.
Ever since, I'd kept a folder of bookmarked videos to help him zone out.
I didn't know if using social media to get my kid to sleep made me a terrible parent but it wasn't like I was introducing him to dudes with podcasts. Just goofy animals and some hypnotic cooking videos. Extremely precise cookie decorating clips knocked him out every time.
His eyes almost closed, he shook his head, signing, "Too tired."
"All right, good sir. This is where I leave you. Sleep well." Another yawn slipped out of him. "Call me if you need anything. Especially if your eyes are itchy when you wake up. Love you, Perce."
"Love you," he said, his fingers barely forming the sign.
I let the call linger for a few more minutes as he drifted off. I watched him breathe, just as I did most nights. Hadn't let go of that since the car accident. There was certainty in watching his little chest rise and fall. I didn't have all the answers but I knew he'd be okay. We'd be okay.
I typed a few notes to myself about touring some more schools when I got back home and pulled up the contact for the educational consultant I'd worked with to find the so-called baby school. Maybe they'd be able to steer me in the right direction, if Audrey didn't have any ideas.
It was strange to think about leaning on Audrey that way.
Even when I'd decided to find her and convince her to come on this trip with me, I didn't let myself think about talking to her again.
Not the way we used to talk. Didn't let myself think about sharing a bed or stripping off her wet clothes either.
I ended the call and pushed to my feet, staring at the vast dark stretching out before me. Stars peeked out from behind fast-moving clouds and stray threads of lightning struck in the distance. It wasn't so bad here.
Thinking about it now, under the endless blanket of dark sky and the scents of pinyon pine and rain-soaked red rock, this stop in Grandwood Valley hadn't been bad at all.
As I turned back toward the room, memories of her mouth on mine drowned out the lingering worry about schools and eye infections until all I could think about was the way she'd clung to me as if we hadn't even lost a day.
I wanted to go back there, to that moment when she reached for me, when she chose me.
And when she said I'd abandoned her. When she said I'd given up on her.
Those words hurtled through my mind on an endless loop.
In all the destruction between us, I didn't know what was true anymore—and I didn't know what I'd find when I opened this door.
Odds were high that Audrey had already power-washed the incident from memory and was going to wrap herself up in all that polite, good girl energy to keep the boundaries in place.
But I watched her dance with every cowboy in that dive bar tonight. I watched her smile and flirt and shake her sweet little ass. And then she wrapped her body around mine like she wouldn't be happy unless she stole a piece of me to keep for herself.
Audrey was no good girl—and she wasn't nearly as polite as she wanted everyone to believe.