Chapter 42
chapter forty-two
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: impermanence
I tried to sit in the back row. Ben wouldn't hear of it. He marched me to the second row, right behind the bride's family. I had Noah and Ben on either side of me, and without a single inch of breathing room to figure out how to not fuck this up.
The trouble was, I didn't know how to do that. Not when I had no idea what came next for us. It wasn't a simple matter of what I wanted, what she wanted. We lived hundreds of miles apart. An eight-hour drive on a good day. There was a kid involved, not to mention his mother's family.
And then there was me and all the things I'd kept buttoned up and under control for so long that I barely remembered what I had hiding in there anymore. But it was all starting to crumble and I didn't know what would happen when it finally fell apart.
The truth was, Audrey wasn't the start of this great inner crumbling. It stretched all the way back to finding out about Percy and the chaos that followed. Audrey was the fine-point pickaxe, here to chisel away those last pieces of stubborn concrete I'd forced into the seams. I just had to let her.
I watched as Audrey walked down the aisle, her gaze flitting to mine but then quickly away. She smiled like she couldn't help it, and I loved that. There was the Audrey I knew. That one right there, she was all mine.
I fixed my attention on her instead of the ceremony. I knew she noticed because she caught my eye several times before turning a pointed stare toward the happy couple. There were those good girl manners again.
Eventually, she gave up on redirecting me and held my gaze long enough for that secret smile to return and pink to fill her cheeks.
It was like stepping back in time, a reminder of why I'd fallen so hard, why she'd occupied so much space in my head for so long.
Why she'd filled my chest with concrete when she left.
The openness in her eyes, the raw vulnerability of it, made it hard to sit still. My hands itched to hold her. I'd die if I couldn't bury my face in the curve of her neck, couldn't inhale the scent of her until it filled every part of me.
She tucked a wisp of hair over her ear and I could almost feel those fingers grazing my skin.
The need to taste her, to feel her shudder against me, was almost too much to bear while she was right there.
I wanted to take my time with her, to map every curve and dip of her body and brand myself on her skin.
I didn't know where she was spending the night but I hoped to hell I was welcome there too.
And not only because I wanted to watch that dress hit the floor.
I needed to apologize for going dark on her after Phoenix, explain all the noises in my head, and find out what she wanted from me, if anything.
But the dress hitting the floor…that was very important too.
The ceremony was interminably long.
At first, I resisted the urge to check my watch because I suspected Noah would shank me.
But after the third poem and second harp solo performed by Ines, the robotics engineer, I was ready to accept that consequence.
It wrapped up not long after and I watched one of the best running backs in the league escort Audrey up the aisle.
She said something that made him laugh and he leaned into her, his hand covering the forearm she'd hooked through his elbow.
I could admit that I wasn't one hundred percent clear which one of them I was more jealous of.
Though it wasn't the first order of business, I was hoping she might introduce us. Later, of course. After I'd had a minute to explain everything.
Ben herded me toward another section of the farm and put a beer bottle in my hand while the bridal party posed for photos.
He had a lot to say about an upcoming festival of some sort as well as the work he was doing on his deck over the summer.
I might've agreed to help him out with that. I really wasn't paying attention.
At one point, he convinced a waiter to bring us an entire tray of the appetizers being passed—little triangles of grilled cheese sandwiches, crispy taquitos, pulled pork sliders, bite-sized chicken and waffles, mini corn dogs.
We inhaled every crumb, barely taking a breath between bites to say These are really fuckin' good and Try those with the sauce.
If I had signed myself up to work on Ben's deck, I decided I didn't mind too much.
"Here's what you need to know about these ladies," he said. "They'd choose each other over us any day, and they won't be sad about it. Actually, there are times when I think they'd prefer it."
"Do I want to know what that means?"
Ben thought about this for a moment, his brows and mustache furrowing as one. "It means that they're fully aware we're a species known for its flaws, not its features. If we turn into more trouble than we're worth, they'll be happy to send us on our way and out of their lives for good."
I cut a sidelong glance in his direction. "Are you asking if I'm that kind of trouble? Or is this another warning?"
He took a long sip from his beer. "For as long as I've known Audrey, she's held firm on having no interest in another journey down relationship road."
"She's been through a lot."
He bobbed his head, saying, "Yeah, well, every time one of these gals gets engaged, Audrey tells them how to protect themselves in case they need to leave. To keep money in their name, to make sure they're listed on all the major assets, to save copies of their documents in places we won't find."
"She's been through it," I said, though I still regretted not stopping in San Diego to waterboard her ex when I had the chance. There would be other opportunities. "She's smart and she's strong, and she loves those women so she's not going to let anything happen to them."
"You're damn right about that," he said. "Don't be surprised if you find out you're not the center of her universe."
Laughing, I tipped back my beer. "What? Come on. You're not the center of your wife's universe?"
"I'm the star that lights up her nights," he said, completely straight-faced. "Her Big Dipper, you might say."
A beat passed before we doubled over laughing.
"That was bad," I wheezed.
"Are you kidding me? That was elite," he said, tears streaming down his face.
My sides ached. "Dude, no."
Audrey chose that exact moment to appear out of nowhere, a raven-haired woman in a bridesmaid dress by her side.
Ben, still cracking himself up and barely able to form coherent words, pulled her into his arms. I moved closer to Audrey, ran a hand down her arm.
When I reached her hand, she twined her fingers with mine.
"Do we want to know what's happening here?" Audrey asked, eyeing us.
"No, ma'am," Ben replied.
"Probably a dick joke, then," his wife said. "They don't stop coming."
Ben nuzzled her cheek. "Neither does my—"
She pressed a finger to his lips. "You're allowed to keep some thoughts inside your head." She held out her hand to me. "Hi. I'm Grace and I'd apologize for anything my husband has said but you seem to be holding up just fine."
"Jude," I said, shaking her hand. "We're doing all right."
"We stole a tray of apps," he said. "They had those little hot dogs, just like the ones from our wedding."
"That's what happens when you get married at the same place and with the same caterer," Grace said.
Audrey shifted toward me, saying, "We have some time before the big entrance."
A brow arched. "Big entrance?"
She squeezed my fingers. "You know, when everyone's seated in the tent and they announce the bride and groom."
I'd have to trust her on that. "Then let's take a walk."
"No one's going to chase after you with a steamer if you get that dress wrinkled," Grace said.
"I can live with that," Audrey said as we broke away from them. "Oh, and could you check on Jamie? She's not feeling great and really needs to sit down for a bit."
"We're all over it," Ben called.
We headed up a narrow path connecting the gardens to the main house.
The roar of the party seemed to fade the minute we reached the Victorian's front porch.
Florists, servers, and security guards still buzzed around the property though it all seemed less chaotic now.
Maybe it was exactly as it'd been earlier and I was less chaotic now.
"Your friends," I started, "they adore you."
She laughed as we passed a pair of tire swings hanging from a tree that looked older than time. "I guess the good news is that not everyone thinks I'm an antacid."
"Those women from the reunion hate their lives and they hate you because you don't." Before she could argue with that, I added, "Your friends' husbands are drawing straws to see which one gets to kick my ass first."
"I'm sure that's a bit of an exaggeration."
"Not as much as you'd think. Ryan Ralston offered to personally rip my spleen out if I so much as inconvenience you."
"He did not say that."
"Strongly implied," I said.
"I know they can be overprotective but they're some of the best people," she said.
I stopped, pulled her toward me and held her close. "I wouldn't want it any other way."
"Really? You're not bothered by low-key death threats?"
"I fucking love that these people would do anything for you.
That's the way it's supposed to be." I kissed her, slow and gentle.
I wanted her to taste the relief on my tongue, the absolute peace that came with knowing she had a family here.
That she'd filled the empty spaces around her where her biological family should've been with people so much better than them.
And that she'd wanted me to join her here.
"I'd do anything for them too," she said. "That's just what people do for the ones they love."
Like flying across the country and pretending to be my fiancée?