Chapter 46
chapter forty-six
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: omission
Audrey's pulse hammered under my fingers and the tangible truth of her made me feel whole for the first time in weeks. Fully formed. That final piece slotted into place.
But also— "Who the fuck was that?"
"Excuse me," Audrey said, wrenching her hand from my grip, "but under no circumstances are you welcome to show up at my home and demand anything after you've spent the past two weeks ignoring my calls."
The dog at her feet started barking—howling—and that was all the encouragement my son needed to wrap up his overtired tantrum and tune into the situation.
He rubbed his tear-stained face into my shirt and lifted his head.
His eyes went wide and happy at the sight of the pup, and he signed, "Meet the dog? Please?"
I straightened his glasses. "You know the rules."
With a sniffle, he turned his gaze to Audrey. I'd meant to watch him sign but my attention hooked on her quiet gasp and then the way she brought a hand to her neck, up to her parted lips. Her soft gaze stroked over him like she just couldn't believe he was real. The same way I did.
I cleared my throat, saying, "Percy, this is my friend Audrey." I rubbed a hand down my son's back. "Audrey, I'd like you to meet Percy. He says he likes dogs a lot and wants to meet your dog if that's okay."
She nodded for a second, her lips pursed together as she continued staring at him.
Then she seemed to snap out of it, sucked in a rough breath, and let a bright smile transform her face.
She waved to him as she crossed into the living room, saying, "Hi, Percy.
This is Bagel. He has some big feelings and doesn't always want to be close to people, but if we sit down on the floor with some of his toys, he might come visit. Do you want to do that?"
He wiggled right out of my arms and bolted toward Audrey as soon as his sneakers met the floor. He plopped down next to her on the rug and took the toy she offered.
Percy launched into an endless series of questions about Bagel as the dog took slow, cautious steps toward them.
I interpreted as he signed to Audrey and something about watching them together grabbed me by the throat and dug its claws in tight.
He wasn't one to warm up quickly, and I was sure the dog had a lot to do with it, but standing here now was like the first breath after being underwater too long.
This was all very inconvenient because I needed some information about the guy who'd walked her to the door and touched her like he knew her in a way that was mine.
I'd held it together for two and a half hellish weeks. I knew I couldn't do it much longer, and I lost a little more control every time I thought about watching that asshole go in for a kiss. Which was constantly.
Beyond all of that, I needed to be with her tonight more than I needed anything else in the world.
To apologize to every inch of her perfect body for the way I left after the wedding.
To serve my penance any way she wished. To tell her I knew I didn't deserve another second chance.
To confess that this scared the hell out of me, that the power she held over me was raw and overwhelming and the only thing that'd ever felt right to me.
To beg her to take me as I was, stretched too thin and not nearly enough of anything for anyone, and show me how to make this work.
I heard a sharp, excited inhale and blinked down to see Bagel licking my son's hand. I expected him to look up at me with a huge, toothy grin but it was Audrey on the receiving end.
She'd said something once about a heart beating outside my chest and—yes. It was that.
"I think he likes you," she said. "Try rolling a tennis ball across the rug. He likes to play fetch but only if he doesn't have to go very far. I'll be right back."
She pushed to her feet and into the kitchen with zero acknowledgment that I existed. That was…exactly what I'd expected after seventeen days.
I found her leaning against the sink, her arms crossed over her chest and her gaze fixed on the floor. I stood on the other side of the island. If I sat down—if I stopped moving at all—I'd crash. Fall asleep right here on the granite countertop.
Eventually, she said, "What the hell happened, Jude?"
I pushed a hand through my hair. Swallowed hard.
"There was a fire. Brenda forgot about a pan on the stove, and when the alarms went off, she fell getting into the kitchen.
Broke her hip and a few bones in her leg.
Burns on her chest and arms. And half the house is gone.
" I dipped my head to meet her eyes but she wouldn't give me that.
"Percy was there when it happened. He tried to get her out of the house.
That was the call I got at the wedding. That's why I had to go immediately. "
She swung a glance to the living room. "Is he all right?"
"He caught some very minor burns on his leg and inhaled a bit of smoke.
He needed some breathing treatments though he's doing better now.
The burns are fully healed, which is great, but we have bigger problems." I rubbed my forehead as an exhausted breath rattled out of me.
"Brenda didn't recognize him. Told him to stay away from her and get out of her house. "
"What? Why?"
"The doctors think she's been having a lot of small strokes for months, maybe longer, and that's caused her to develop a form of dementia.
" I shifted back toward my boy. It was good to see him smiling again.
Even better to see him this far away from me without a trace of panic.
"They're recommending an assisted living placement. "
She nodded slowly as she took this in, her arms still crossed and her gaze still evading mine. Then, "Why are you here?"
The past few weeks had been an endless slog of one decision after another.
Treatment plans and custody amendments. Doctors and lawyers, therapists and insurance agents.
Packing up what was left of a home that wasn't mine and selecting a long-term care facility for a woman who liked to tell the nurses I was stealing from her.
All this time, I hadn't been able to think beyond the next minute, the next step.
Holding Percy through the nightmares, the panic, the separation anxiety.
Waiting for the court to catch up with all this.
The only moments I'd had to breathe came between doctor visits and claims inspections and nightmares, and even then, those breaths were shallow and inadequate, like I was sprinting up a mountainside.
All I could say was, "I didn't know where else to go."
She lifted her gaze to mine, her pale brows pulled tight and her mouth firmed into a rigid line. "Your mother would've welcomed you with open arms, as you're well aware."
I dropped my hands to the countertop, leaned forward. "And you're well aware I'm still waiting for some answers about the guy who was all over you at the door."
"I'm free to spend time with anyone I want and obligated to justify none of it to you." She made a tart little expression that I wanted to bite off her lips. "Last I checked, I'm a single woman and the statute of limitations on whatever the hell we had going on has lapsed."
I didn't have the energy to pretend that I didn't want her back.
Need her back. That I wasn't prepared to fight for her.
"The last thing in the fucking world you are is single.
You've been mine since the first time you rolled your eyes at me when you were fifteen, princess, and I've been yours even longer. "
She held my gaze for a beat, fire burning in her hazel eyes. I figured there was at least an eighty percent chance she was about to throw me out. A tragedy, considering my kid was already in love with the dog.
But then she asked, "How much longer?"
If this was what she needed, I could do it. Confess my deep secrets, unburden my mortal soul. No problem. And that was what I wanted her to realize. There wasn't a rung too high for me to climb. Not then, not now.
I circled the island, stopping beside her at the sink.
"You were in the pew ahead of me on the first day of school.
Your hair was up in a bun but you had a little braid around the bottom of the bun.
I spent the entire service wondering how you did that.
" I brought my hand to the back of her neck.
"I knew my entire life would change if I could kiss you right"—I swept her hair over one shoulder, pressed my lips to her nape—"here.
I had no idea what it meant to crave someone that way but I knew I wouldn't be complete without you. And that's never changed."
A shiver moved through her as I kissed the slim column of her neck, the line of her jaw. "But we didn't talk until—until—"
"Until second semester. Mmhm. You ignored the shit out of me for months.
It was brutal." I wrapped her hair around my palm, gave it a tug to tip her head to the side as I mapped her neck.
"I don't think you've ever truly known how much power you wield over me.
That you can destroy me and I'll still come right back and ask you to do it again. "
"I'm not the one who disappeared and didn't bother to return a text."
I ran my lips over the shell of her ear. "Awful, isn't it?"
"We're not doing that anymore." She elbowed me away but I didn't go far. "Either stop punishing me for the past or get the hell out of my house. There's no in-between."
"There was nowhere else for me to go." I kissed the corner of her mouth. "Because the only place I belong is with you, and you fucking know it."
Her chin wobbled as she dropped a hand to my chest, her fingers slipping under the placket of buttons and connecting with skin.
"You have more explaining to do," she said, those fingertips pressing into me.
If she only knew how much there was to explain.
About the latest disaster fucking my life.
Fuck. I layered a hand over hers, trapping her there. "And you're not forgiven. Not yet."
"I wouldn't expect it," I said, folding her into my arms.
"I haven't decided if I'll let you stay."
"Decide tomorrow," I said.
A laugh vibrated through her. "You should know my guest room is barely bigger than a closet and only has a small daybed."
"Lucky for us, Percy's a small kid and I'll be sleeping with you."
"I never said you're sleeping with me."
I stroked a hand down her hair with a laugh. "No, baby, I did. Now, be quiet and let me hold you unless you'd rather give me the long-form account of who the fuck that guy was."
She rested her forehead on my chest. "No one you need to worry about."
"That's my girl." I kissed the top of her head. The tension in my body was slow to unwind but I felt my jaw loosen, my shoulders soften. "I've missed you so fucking much."
"Sorry, but I didn't miss you at all. I was too busy being annoyed that you couldn't find a second to answer even one text message. Very time-consuming these past few weeks."
"No, not since this clusterfuck," I said. "I've missed you for—for fucking years, Audrey. I don't want to do that again."
Before she could give me anything more than a sudden inhale, Percy bounded into the kitchen, Bagel hot on his heels. He skidded to a stop at the island, pointing at a tiered stack of pastel cake stands where she displayed her baked goods.
"I see that," I said to him.
He climbed onto a stool, making himself right at home in Audrey's kitchen.
She freed herself from my hold and opened the fridge.
"You two must've had a long day. Are you hungry?
Do you need a snack before bed?" She retrieved a glass container, saying, "One of my favorite snacks is my version of an apple crisp.
It's warm, cinnamony apples with oatmeal crumble and—"
Percy slapped his hands on the counter as he nodded. "I want the apple crisp," he signed. "Yes, please, the apples, yes!"
"I think I know the answer," she said, laughing.
Audrey went to work scooping the crisp into bowls while Percy signed, "Are we going to stay here?"
"Do you want to?" I signed back.
She set a bowl and spoon in front of him. He dug right in, his eyes drifting shut as he dramatically savored the first bite. When he opened them again, he signed, "I want to stay here forever infinity."
I gripped the edge of the countertop to keep myself from signing Me too.