Chapter 48
chapter forty-eight
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: selective
A glance at my watch told me it was late, later than I'd slept in ages. I stretched a hand out and found the sheets cold. I'd been alone for a while. Staring up at the ceiling, I listened for Audrey's voice or kid commotion or even barking.
The silence caught my attention.
It took me a minute to find my jeans and another to admire the lived-in mess of Audrey's bedroom.
The tote bags hooked on the closet's doorknob.
The skincare products covering one corner of her dresser.
The small pillows that didn't match each other, the bedding, or the room.
A parched-looking plant near the window.
I could almost see her picking out those pillows, knowing damn well they didn't go with anything but choosing them simply because she wanted to and she had no one standing in her way.
The kitchen and living room were empty but I followed soft laughter to the backyard.
There, I found Audrey and Percy sitting in the grass, their heads bent together as they watched Bagel stalking a cat along the back fence.
The cat, it had to be said, didn't give a fuck about any of the creatures involved.
A chipmunk ran between Bagel and the cat, disrupting the whole standoff, and Percy shot to his feet and threw his arms around Audrey's neck. God, it was so good to see him happy and being a kid after spending the past few weeks clinging to me like a scared little monkey.
He noticed me then, signing, "There's a cat who lives on this street and visits all the backyards every day! And the cat looks like a cow. It's white with big brown spots and a pink nose. Like a cow! But Bagel doesn't like the cat at all and has been telling the cat to go away right now."
"Why doesn't Bagel like cats?" I asked.
"Audrey says he doesn't understand their species," he signed.
My heart pinged at the shorthand sign he'd adopted for Audrey.
He did that for everyone—spelling out names took too long—but there was no telling my heart that.
"They're very confusing to him and he doesn't want them invading his yard. Chipmunks too."
"Bagel doesn't understand cats?" I asked her.
She shrugged, her focus on a bowl in her lap. "I don't know Bagel's whole story but I don't think he has much experience with other animals."
Nodding in vigorous agreement, Percy signed, "He's the only dog he's ever met."
In my head, I could hear Audrey saying that to him.
I loved it. Loved all of this. And, with a desperation I truly couldn't get my arms around, I wanted this for the rest of my life.
Our lives. I didn't know how to make it happen or if she even wanted the same things.
But I got the sense she did. Like she felt the strange, oddly shaped puzzle pieces finally snapping into place too. Like she knew.
"When did you wake up? I didn't hear you," I said, running a hand over his hair. "Why didn't you come get me?"
He straightened his glasses like these questions were a real inconvenience, signing, "It wasn't dark out and I wanted to read my book alone with Bagel."
We had a rule that he wasn't allowed to be awake on the weekends unless the sun was up and shining into his bedroom.
He got around this rule by jumping in bed with me and pretending to go back to sleep.
I got around this rule by hanging blackout curtains in his room because he wasn't one to wake up and entertain himself.
"Did Bagel like the book?" I asked.
My son turned into a plume of exasperation. "Daddy, Bagel doesn't know how to read."
"Right. Of course." I glanced to Audrey and—Jesus Christ, that was my shirt she was wearing with her little black bike shorts. As if it was perfectly ordinary for her to steal my clothes and flip the primitive switch in my brain. "And when did you wake up, Saunders?"
"About an hour or two ago. We've just been hanging out and having some blueberries and granola," Audrey said, a berry pinched between two fingers while Percy ran off to gather Bagel's tennis balls. "Come sit with me."
I dropped to the grass and braced my arms behind me, letting my shoulder bump hers. "Thanks for watching him."
She waved me off, busy picking out her next blueberry. "We had a good time together."
"I didn't come here expecting you to babysit," I said. "You could've woken me up."
"I know." She held a blueberry to my lips. I closed a hand around her wrist and snared her fingertips between my teeth as I took it. "But you needed the sleep. You looked like you were dead on your feet last night."
"He's my kid," I said, still holding her wrist. "I want to take care of him. It's never my intention to dump him on anyone else."
"I know all of that too." She offered me another blueberry. Bit those fingers again. "And I would've left a trail of squeaker toys leading to the bed and sent Bagel after them if I had a problem with it."
Dragging my lips over the inside of her wrist, I said, "Thank you."
She arched a brow. "For?"
"Everything." I met her eyes, hoping she saw the brutal, endless truth of it in mine. "For all of it. Always."
Her gaze traveled over my face, quiet and thoughtful. A smile ticked at the corner of her mouth as Bagel and Percy ran past and I knew she was feeling her way around the perimeter of those strange puzzle pieces. Turning them until they met at all the right points.
Then a shadow seemed to pass over her expression. "You're lucky I let you in the door last night."
"I know."
"You left me hanging for a really long time," she said. "Jamie and Ruth will probably kick your ass the next time they see you."
"I would expect nothing less." I ran a hand over the grass. "Getting a little overgrown," I said. "Does your yard service come once a week? Or every other?"
"It's pretty much whenever I remember," she said. "And then once I remember, I have to find the motivation to actually do it."
I peered at the expanse of her backyard, not huge but enough lawn to require an hour or two of weekly upkeep during the peak summer months. "You're mowing this? By yourself?"
A nod. "For the past few years, yeah."
I couldn't stop staring at the side of her face. "With what?"
"Some really big scissors. I started out with regular scissors but it just took too long." A minimum of thirty seconds passed before I realized she was fucking with me. "I have a lawn mower, Jude."
It wasn't that I didn't believe Audrey could do this.
It was that there were moments when I became uncomfortably aware that she'd been on her own for a long damn time with no one to look after her.
She had friends ,and their partners had seemed willing to engage in some light waterboarding so I had to assume they'd also pitch in if needed.
But she was the one to shovel out her driveway in the winter.
To deal with roof leaks and drafty windows and yard work.
It didn't bother me that she had to do all of this; it bothered me that she had to do it alone.
"Where's this mower? I want to take a look at it."
"You're not taking a look at anything," she said. "You'll start that, and the next thing we know, there will be eight million lawn mower pieces spread out across my driveway."
"I think you're aware I can put it back together."
"Yes. Yes, you can. But you'll also tell me why it's a shitty mower or how I should've changed the oil or that you can see I must've mowed over some rocks last year and that's why there's always a weird strip of grass that doesn't get cut.
" She rolled her eyes. It was adorable. "Don't you have better things to do right now than that anyway? "
I considered this for a second. Aside from the fact I'd been forced to clear my entire calendar over the past few weeks and my life was a special kind of shambles, I had plenty of work to do.
There was also a small yet growing mountain of legal issues headed my way.
And school was starting in about six weeks and I was no closer to finalizing plans for Percy. But I asked, "Where's this mower?"
"It's in there." She pointed to the far side of the yard, to where a weathered stack of wood that met the loosest definition of a structure stood under a massive maple tree. Another project, then. "Have fun with that."
"What else is on your to-do list?"
She laughed. "How long are you staying?"
"As long as you'll let me."
"Will you please be serious?"
"I am," I shot back.
"Then, what? You're moving in with me?"
I tucked some hair over her ear, let my fingers linger on the curve of her neck. "We are engaged."
"We are not engaged," she cried, slapping the grass.
"Did you forget about me telling you the ring is real? I'll go get it—"
"You will stay right there," she said, grabbing a handful of my shirt. "The ring has nothing to do with it."
"It has something to do with it." When she only rolled her eyes, I said, "Give me a few weeks to take care of you. We'll figure out who we are now, and if we like it, and if you want to keep that ring."
"I take care of myself just fine." She released my shirt as she motioned to the tidy yard, the house. As if that was all that required attention around here. Turning back to the blueberries, she said, "And anyway, I decided a long time ago that I don't want to be married again. Once was enough."
I stared at her as she sifted through the berries but she didn't glance over, didn't add any qualifications to that statement. Not Once was enough with the wrong guy. Not I've wasted too much time on dickbag assholes. Not Unless it's to you.
I felt her silence like a boot to the chest but once I caught my breath, I realized this limit was no obstacle to me. So we didn't get married. That was fine. Why did we need to get the government involved anyway? We didn't. We'd do whatever the fuck worked for us. Call it whatever we wanted.
"Works for me," I said, "but it's still your ring. Just tell me when you want it back."
"Jude."
Her voice was like steel but I couldn't hold back a grin. "Audrey."
She watched me for a beat, unimpressed and unyielding, before the facade cracked and a smile spread across her face. "I guess you're staying, then."
I took the blueberry bowl from her hands, set it aside. Pulled her closer, settled her in my lap. "Only if you want us to."
"Do you need to head back to see Brenda anytime soon? What happens next with all that?"
Yeah, I noticed her dodging my last comment. Hard not to. "In about three or four weeks. Another court date." I swallowed hard. "Penny's best friend Maddie filed a request to reassign Brenda's visitation to her."
Audrey shifted to glance back at me, her eyes wide. "Is that something she can do? It's not like custody is just…transferrable. Right?"
"You wouldn't think so," I said. "My attorney keeps saying the petition isn't strong but that we shouldn't ignore it." I ran my fingers through her hair, watching as the sun caught the pale gold strands. "She's been angling for this since Penny died."
"But you're his father," she said, as if that answered every question.
If only it did. "To Brenda and Maddie, I'm the sperm donor who won't go away. The majority of the petition details how I wasn't involved in Percy's life until a few months after he was born."
"Okay but he's almost five," she said. "You've been with him for more than a minute. Doesn't that count for something?"
"It does," I said. "But Maddie was there when he was born. She's been an aunt to him his whole life. And that counts for something too."
"I don't love any of this," she said.
I let her hair slip between my fingers, over my palm. Brushed it against my lips. "Yeah, that makes two of us."
Percy came running over, Bagel right behind him, and he hit the grass with a dramatic flop. He panted while Bagel licked his face. Audrey tried to scoot out of my hold but I wouldn't allow it.
I'd never brought anyone home to meet Percy. Never considered it. Not that I'd had any real opportunities. But now…well, everything about this was different. Maybe I was begging for trouble but I didn't mind the idea of my son getting attached to her. I hoped he did.
I hoped we all got attached—and soon.
"I don't know about you," Audrey started, "but I really think Bagel should meet some other dogs.
It's good to go out and make friends, right?
" Percy nodded vigorously. She could've asked him if he'd like a dish of sardines for lunch and it would've been the same answer.
"Would you like to help me walk Bagel to the dog park? "
Percy sat up and glanced to me, his eyes comically wide. He pressed his palms to his cheeks for a long moment before springing to his feet and signing, "This is the best day of my whole forever life!"
While Percy ran wild around the yard, I brushed my lips over her ear, saying, "I think that's a yes."