Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
KRUGER
The drive home is a quiet one, but it lacks the same comfort it once had.
Now every breath I take feels laced with panic.
Like I can hear a clock ticking somewhere in the background, reminding me that time is running out.
She gets her cast off tomorrow. The insurance company has told her to expect her payout within the next two weeks.
And well, she’s getting stronger and more determined every day to get back to her old self.
Only, her old self hated me, so where does that leave us?
After tonight’s bombshells, am I kidding myself that we ever had the chance at more?
I’ve heard time heals all wounds, but not when it’s fatal.
Make no mistakes, Delphi might be walking and talking and the embodiment of courage under fire, but part of her died when she dragged that blade across her wrist. Her heart might beat, her lungs continue to expand, but her soul is playing peekaboo behind clouds with a baby boy who was taken far too soon.
I don’t believe she wants to die now, but that doesn’t mean I believe she’ll fight for the life she deserves. She’s more than happy to settle and wait. Wait for her time to end, wait until she’s reunited with Samuel and the other babies she lost along the way.
Maybe she’s even waiting to join Snake.
My hands clench on the steering wheel, making it creak. She looks over and frowns.
“You okay?”
I grit my teeth and nod. I feel her eyes on me, but I keep mine on the road, feeling like a fucking failure. By the time we pull up at the house, I’m ready to crawl out of my skin.
I jump out and walk around to help her out. I walk with her hand in mine to the door, fumbling my keys to unlock it. I push it open and usher her in, flicking the lights on for her before locking the door behind me. I lean against it and take her in as she moves into the room.
I watch the way she moves—the quiet confidence that’s in every step and sway of her hips.
She’s comfortable in her own skin, but it’s misleading because it hides the damage to her psyche.
To sustain the catastrophic damage she has, and still have the strength to stand there and just breathe, has me in awe.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt as unworthy as I do right now.
She turns to look at me, the frown still on her face, when she sees me pressed to the door. She moves closer, but I shake my head, needing a moment. Needing a whole lot of fucking moments to pull my shit together.
“How can you even look at me?”
She dips her head, shuffling a little closer before she looks up. “What do you want me to say? I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t right now.”
“Would I be a complete prick if I told you I needed to ride? I need to clear my head a little so I can give you everything you need. If I stay here, I’m going to make it about me, and that’s fucked. You deserve better than that.”
Her expression softens as she crosses her arms, looking more vulnerable. “I get it. Will you come back?” she whispers.
I close the distance between us in a second, one hand going to her hip, one hand going to the back of her head. “I will always come back for you.”
She blinks back tears before pressing her head to my collarbone, her hands fisting the side of my T-shirt.
We stand there for a moment, in the broken shards of all we could have been, unwilling just to give up and walk away, but neither of us able to figure out how to put the pieces back together again.
She pulls back first and looks up at me. “Should I not have told you?”
“Why? So you can keep carrying this pain alone? Fuck that. I figure what I’m feeling now is a fraction of what you deal with daily. How the fuck do you withstand so many blows and keep getting back up?”
“You’d be surprised what you can do when you have no other choice.”
I smooth my hands down the side of her face and tuck her hair behind her ears. I cup her face and kiss her, pouring into her the words I can’t seem to say out loud.
This time, I pull back first. “I’m going to call a prospect to come over. I want him inside—not because I think you’ll leave, but because I’m still worried about you having a seizure without me here.”
Whatever protest she had dies on her tongue. “I’m going to a nap anyway, but that’s fine. Can you see if Con is free?”
“I’ll ask.”
“Thank you.”
“Go get settled. I’ll get you a drink, and your meds, and bring them up.”
“Okay.” She turns and leaves. I stand there watching her, wondering how many times I’ve watched her walk away from me, wishing she’d run to me instead.
When she’s out of sight, I call Con, who tells me he’s off tonight, but more than happy to chill with Wonder Woman. Not sure if that makes me feel relieved or pissed. Nothing new there when it comes to Con.
I make Delphi some tea, grab a bottle of water and her meds, and head upstairs to her.
She’s sitting in bed waiting for me. She smiles when I enter, but it looks forced even from here.
I walk toward her on broken eggshells. Leaving now, while everything is up in the air, is a dangerous move.
It could unravel the tenuous thread that holds us together.
But I can’t do this on my own. I need an outside perspective because all I’m good at is fucking things up.
“Con’s on his way.”
“Okay.”
I hand her the pills and the water bottle before putting the tea on the bedside table. I sit down on the bed beside her and wait until she’s finished before taking the water and putting it next to the tea.
“We’ll talk about everything. I want to hear it.
I need to, and you can’t be worried about telling me because of my reactions.
I won’t lash out at you. I can promise you that.
I’m more of a shut-down than overreact kind of guy.
I’m not great at processing shit,” I admit, tracing my fingers across the back of her hand.
“Sometimes I need to take a step back so I work through it and come back clear-headed. That’s all this is.”
She nods, still looking unsure. I lace my fingers through hers.
“I’m so sorry about Samuel.”
Her eyes flutter closed for a second as the pain hits her, but she lets it roll over her before opening them again. “It’s hard not to picture what he’d be like now. Would he be into dinosaurs or toy cars?”
“Bikes, obviously.” I smile softly.
“Maybe. Maybe he’d like dolls and tea sets. I wouldn’t care either way. I’d sit and watch him play for hours.”
“And now he gets to watch you.” I squeeze her hand as she takes a shuddering breath.
“Do you think he’d be disappointed in me?”
“Why would he be disappointed, baby?”
She flips her arm over, exposing her scars for both of us to see. “I tried to mess with something precious, something he was denied. Then sometimes I worry he’s sad I didn’t join him and he’s all alone.”
I swallow around the lump in my throat. “He’s not alone. He has his brothers and sisters with him. A mini-MC watching over their mama.”
She bows under the weight of my words, a sob breaking free that she tries to swallow down. I climb up beside her and pull her to me, holding her tight as she cries.
Once her sobs taper off, her breath hitches as she carries on. “If I believe in heaven, I have to believe in hell too, right? The universe has to have balance.”
“I’m not sure what I believe, but it makes sense, Delphi.”
She nods. “I know Lee went down. He earned his place in hell. I’m not disputing that, but—” She blows out a harsh breath, trying to keep her composure. “But part of me is so fucking pissed at him because he should be up there making castles in the sky with our babies.”
She’s quiet for a minute, wrestling to get her demons under control before continuing.
“I hope it was worth it. I hope whatever the fuck he got from Bear that he couldn’t find in me, or the MC, makes the fires of hell more bearable.
Maybe one day I’ll forgive him for abandoning me.
But I’ll never forgive him for abandoning them. ”
I don’t know what the fuck to say to that.
What is there to say? There were so many versions of Snake, I’m not sure which was real.
I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter.
Whether the version he showed her was fake is irrelevant because he was real to her.
Flesh and blood, love carved in bone, that she feels even now, like an ache on a cold day.
I hold her until she falls asleep, brushing away the stray tears before kissing her temple and easing myself away.
When I walk out, my cell phone pings, letting me know Con is outside. I jog down the stairs, head to the door, unlock it, and nod for him to come in. I swap out my truck keys for my bike’s and put my boots back on.
“Hey,” Con calls out as I finish lacing them up.
“Hey. I need you to wait and watch her from inside in case she has a seizure. If she does, text me SOS and I’ll come right back.”
“No worries. I’ve been reading up on what to do if she has one.”
I lift my head and look at him. Yeah, I get what Delphi says about him. None of the other prospects would have done that. Hell, I don’t think any of the brothers themselves would have. I walk over and slap him on the back. “Appreciated, Con.”
He nods, dipping his head, but not before I see the faint blush on his cheeks, reminding me that this kid ain’t much older than Theo. Jesus, either I’m getting old or it’s starting to feel like a fucking daycare around her.
“I’m off. Make sure she eats if she wakes up.”
“I’ve got it covered, Kruger. Don’t worry.”
“Can’t help it. It’s been a rough day.”
He looks at me but doesn’t ask questions. Maybe the kid has the makings of a brother after all.
I head out, relishing being on the back of my bike again. I ride for an hour, needing a little wind therapy before I make my way to the clubhouse.