Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
DELPHI
Sitting down with Circus and Capone feels a little like waiting in the dentist’s waiting room for a root canal.
I arrive early. Theo is at school, so I can use the apartment for us to talk.
I make sure the coffee pot is on and I have some pastries ready.
I rub my smooth hands down the front of my pants, wondering why I felt the need to dress in business casual today when they’ve both seen me half naked before.
The crisp white shirt, black pants, and high heels make me look professional, but it’s hard to know if they see that or only see the young girl who used to be a free spirit.
I walk to the bathroom to make sure my hair is still in place.
Gone are the wild curls I was sporting yesterday as me, Theo, and Kruger wandered around the farmers’ market, eating far too much and sampling their beers and ciders.
I’d thought Theo might be bored, but he soaked it all up like a sponge, reminding me that he’d likely never even been there before, despite it coming to town every couple of months.
Today, my hair is pulled back in a sleek ponytail, which took me three attempts to get right.
“God, you’re being ridiculous,” I tell my reflection, which is looking pale even under my makeup.
I wish I knew why I was struggling with this so much. I’ve made such inroads with Kruger. You’d think it would be easier with the rest of the MC. I’m not in a relationship with them.
I used to think pain was pain. Regardless of the cause or source, we all feel it, deal with it, and move on.
But the truth is, pain is relative to the weapon used to inflict it.
We’re taught to fear strangers, to develop thick skin to protect us from our enemies, and to use caution with acquaintances we haven’t yet learned to trust. We’re prepared for the worst from the outside world.
But that’s okay. It’s why we build our circles small but tight.
And therein lies the problem. Nobody teaches you how to cope with betrayal when it comes from within. When the people who are supposed to shield you become the bullets that tear you apart.
Mending things with Kruger has pulled him into a whole new category, one that women in the dating world are all too familiar with.
We have our own risk and reward systems because it’s not all men, but it is always men.
And we can’t tell just by looking at them who the good ones are.
And yes, Lee, I’m talking about you. My guard is naturally up with Kruger, even though I’m more open with him in other ways.
It’s complicated and messy, and pretty much what dating is like for most people, regardless of their history.
The MC is at a disadvantage because they’re still stuck in the group labeled “assholes that fucked me over.” And none of them have particularly made the effort to fix that. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
The doorbell rings, snapping me out of my thoughts. I stare at myself for a minute more. “Be the bossy bitch that can survive anything,” I tell my reflection.
With a nod, I leave and head over to the intercom. “Hello?”
“It’s Circus and Capone.”
“I’ll buzz you up.”
I do just that, muttering to myself about grumpy bastards and bossy bitches.
I unlock the door, ready for them, and head to the kitchen to pour coffee.
I doctor mine the way I like it and wait for them to arrive.
A brief knock has me bracing before the door opens.
Circus walks in first, his eyes meeting mine over the rim of my coffee cup as I take a sip.
“Hey, there’s coffee and food. Help yourselves.”
Capone walks in behind him, giving me the once-over before nudging Circus out of the way. He stops in front of me. “If I hug you, will you punch me in the dick?”
“One way to find out.”
He reaches for me. I instinctively step back, then feel myself flush with embarrassment.
“Shit, sorry. Instinct.”
He looks sad at that, making me feel like a bitch. But what’s the point in lying to them?
“We’d love to get this place fixed up the way you want it, but we understand if you feel more comfortable going with another crew,” Circus says, moving into the room.
I sigh, putting my cup down as I grab clean ones for them, as well as the pot of coffee. I hold it up and wait for them to nod before pouring a cup each.
“I don’t think you’ll screw me over…” I drift off, unsure how to finish, but Capone clearly gets it.
“As long as you’re with Kruger. You think if things don’t work out with him, we’ll fuck you over.”
“Not necessarily fuck me over. But your loyalty is to him, always. If we have a bad breakup, I’ll be stuck because I’m unsure if anyone else will finish what you started. You might blacklist me, which would make it impossible for me to get a crew out here.
“Are we really that much of bastards you’d think that?” Circus whispers.
I move away, putting the table between us. “No. I don’t know, guys. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to say you know we won’t do that.”
But I can’t, so I don’t.
Capone scrubs his hand over his face. “How about we talk first? Maybe clear the air a little.”
I’d rather have naked hugs with a cactus. “Okay. Let’s sit in the living room. You guys want any pastries?”
Capone shakes his head. “I’m good for now.”
Circus gives me a thumbs up as he shoves a whole one in his mouth. I snort but grab my coffee and head for the living room, claiming a spot on the end of the sofa. I kick off my shoes and tuck my feet under me.
“Want us to start?” Circus asks when he’s finished eating.
I nod, sipping my drink.
“I know you’re expecting us to excuse our actions.
And yeah, maybe there were contributing factors that made us act in a way we normally wouldn’t have, but it doesn’t matter.
We lashed out and hurt you. There’s no explaining that away.
So much was going on. Too much. If we’d just taken a second, we’d have known we’d fucked up right away.
But all I could think about was Lil, and the kids, and Blade, who was in rough shape himself. ”
“We hadn’t seen you in so long. And then suddenly you were there, demanding answers, acting like you cared when it hadn’t seemed that way lately,” Capone adds, holding up his hand when I prepare to explain.
“I know why now. But Snake kept giving us the runaround. Whether by design or by accident, he made it seem like you had no interest in the clubhouse anymore, and by default, the brothers. Hell, half the brothers were thinking you wanted a divorce but Snake was refusing to give you one.”
I put my cup on the table and pull a cushion into my lap just so I have something to hold on to.
“I don’t know what to say. Because on one hand, I owe you nothing.
My son died, and I was so lost in my grief that just taking a shower seemed like a monumental thing.
The thought of being around the club when you’re all so full of life and laughter was more than I could handle.
I needed to wallow. I needed to lie in the dark and scream ‘why’ at the sky until my throat was hoarse.
I didn’t want people to try to make me feel better.
If I had to hear shit like ‘it wasn’t meant to be,’ or ‘he was in a better place,’ I’d have drawn my gun and straight up murdered someone.
I know you would have meant well, but the frame of mind I was in…
Let’s just say I was in a very dark place and I didn’t want anyone to bring me out of it.
I wanted someone to sit in the dark with me.
” I admit the last part out loud, something I wasn’t planning to say.
As amazing as Lee was, he didn’t know how to deal with my grief any more than he did his own.
He tried, and under the circumstances, I don’t think he could have done any better.
Circus moves to sit on the table in front of me as Capone sits next to me on the sofa, making me feel penned in. The urge to flee hits me, but I fight against it. They won’t hurt me, even if it’s just out of respect for Kruger.
“See, you just flinched. That’s what I’m talking about.”
“What can we do or say to make it better?” Capone asks from beside me.
“I don’t know. I swear, I’m trying not to be a martyr in this. I hate that I can’t just get over it, more for my own damn sake than yours. But the problem is—”
“You don’t believe that it won’t happen again,” Circus finishes for me, getting to the root of the issue.
“Yeah, that. I talked about if Kruger and I break up…but if we weren’t dating, would we even be having this conversation? Or would you just go on pretending I don’t exist?”
“Just tell her, Circus.” Capone sighs, rubbing his hand over his face.
Circus takes my hand and holds on to it, his eyes focused on mine. “You were declared persona non grata. We were not to communicate with you, aid or assist you in any way, or we’d risk getting kicked out of the club and facing the same.”
“What?”
Capone nods. “It was a direct order from Blade. In his defense, he reacted to the situation. A lot was going on behind the scenes that you weren’t aware of.
Hell, not even all of us knew. It went as high up as the White House.
So when I say he had a lot going on, I’m not lying.
Throw in a new old lady and tying another club to us through her, as well as recovering from his attack, and well… ”
“I was the last thing on his mind once he kicked me out,” I finish.
“That’s my guess. It took the club years to bounce back. By then, you were long gone. To some of us, you were a stark reminder of what happened. To others, a reminder of how bad we fucked up. And well, anger is an emotion we’re much more equipped to deal with over guilt.”
I pull my hand from Circus’s and fold my arms across my chest in a protective way. “So all I had to do to gain favor was save a couple of people and almost die for my troubles.” I chuckle dryly.
“To be fair, Delphi, most of us didn’t even know you were back on the scene until G figured out who you were.
None of us had heard a peep from you until then.
Right when we realized there was a stalker in our midst, possibly a female one, we found out you were back.
We didn’t know if it was a coincidence or if you were looking for revenge, but Midas sure as hell didn’t want Legs caught in the middle of it. ”
“And I became the convenient scapegoat once more. I can’t keep being the easy target for the club to blame shit on, while you offer your love and withdraw it again whenever a new problem arises.”
“We know.” Capone sighs.
“Do you? Because I have no doubt there are still club members who blame me for what went down.”
“I don’t believe that—” Circus starts, but I shake my head.
“You ever hear about a man being accused of rape by a scorned woman? How his life is torn apart by the accusations until eventually she admits she lied? Let’s not touch on the fact that she makes a mockery of every survivor who finds the courage to step forward.
But even when people know he did nothing wrong, they still treat him differently.
The damage is already done because people believe there is no smoke without fire.
You believed I was the mystery stalker, five years after last having anything to do with you all, like I’m some plotting criminal mastermind.
All because an assumption was made about me the night Snake lost his fucking mind.
” I’m shouting by the time I’m done, my chest heaving with hurt and indignation.
“You’re right, of course you are. But I want a chance to prove you wrong.
I’m not asking you to just forgive us. I’m asking for a chance to work toward it.
Let us earn your trust again, one day at a time, and independently of Kruger.
If things go south, then it’s nothing to do with us.
We will be club brothers still. But to you, Delphi, just brothers.
Just Capone and Circus, two idiots who messed up with a good woman and who want a chance to make it right. ”
I look between them. They seem completely sincere. God, it’s so hard to be objective when I know just how much it will hurt if they let me down all over again.
But I have Theo and Kruger to think about now, and they are not asking for me to forgive them on the spot. They’re asking for a chance. If I don’t give them one, can I really give the others one?
“Please don’t make me regret this,” I whisper before I find myself at the bottom of a dog pile, squished by two huge, overzealous bikers.
“Get off me, you big oafs. You’re squishing me to death.”
“Well, we wouldn’t want that now, would we?” Capone winks.
Circus gets up and heads to the kitchen, coming back with his iPad before taking his spot back at the table. “Alright, now we’ve got the mushy shit out of the way. Let’s go over what you want, and then Capone and I are going to take you out for lunch, our treat, no arguments.”
I offer them a small but genuine smile. “Okay, I’d like that.”