Chapter 31 #2
“I never should have.”
“But you did!” I threw my arms in the air, exasperation creeping in.
I believed that he regretted how things happened, but it wasn’t enough.
“I’m sorry if this has been hard on you, but imagine how it’s been for me.
I don’t really care how much you were thinking about me, or how badly you wished you could take it back.
Maybe in another reality, we worked out.
Maybe you figured out your shit, and we ended up together.
But that’s not what happened. Not even close. ”
“Not another reality!” he snapped. “We belong together. In every reality.”
My expression must have shown how much I didn’t believe him, because he pushed himself off the couch and started to pace in frustration.
He stopped without warning, right in front of me. His pleading eyes burned straight through me. “I’ve never had this before,” he spat out.
I fell back a step, surprised by the sudden raw determination in his voice.
“Had w-what?” I stammered.
“What we have!” he exclaimed, like it should be obvious.
“It’s been so easy to shut people out, to never get close.
But then my mom signed me up for that show, and you were there.
And all of a sudden, I couldn’t escape you.
I couldn’t avoid you and throw up my guard like I normally do.
You got in without me even realizing it, until it was too late. ”
He scrubbed his face with both his hands, breathing harder than he had from any physical activity. I waited for him to continue. I still knew him, still knew he’d only move forward on his terms, when he wasn’t pushed.
“I’d never been in love before you. Hell, I’d never even called someone my girlfriend before.
It always freaked me out. Having someone need me like that, mattering to someone that much, I couldn’t stand the idea of it.
My mom—God, I do love her, and I fucking hate to admit this—but I resented her for being so weak when my dad died.
Yes, it broke me to see her like that, but I hated that she couldn’t be stronger, couldn’t move on.
Not only did I not want to make someone else feel that way, I told myself I’d never put myself in a position to lose it like that. ”
He gulped and dropped his gaze, pinning me in place with it.
“But then I met you, and it was all out of my control. I fucking hate being out of control. So, I pushed you away, refused to give us a real chance. I told myself I could get over you. That I could regain control if I just put distance between us.”
He paused again. I dropped my gaze to his chest, watching it rise and fall with each breath. My mind spun with his words, the most honest and vulnerable ones I’d ever heard come out of his mouth.
“How’s that working out for you?” I asked softly.
He let out a short, bitter laugh. “Turns out I’m more out of control than ever. I physically can’t retain my sanity not knowing where you are or what you’re doing. I’m constantly torturing myself over the fact that I let you go—that I hurt you, when that was the one thing I didn’t want to do.”
We stood there in silence for a moment. I wished I could say his words didn’t have a crushing effect on me, but they did. They tore into me, ripped a hole right through my chest, and burrowed into my heart. I had the weakest willpower of all time.
“It isn’t my job to save you, Danny,” I finally whispered.
He took a step toward me. “Trace—”
“No,” I said, retreating another step. “I’m serious. All of those feelings that you don’t quite understand but you’re trying to grapple with? I get it. Trust me, I do, because I feel them, too. I’ve felt them for a long time. And unlike you, I always knew what they meant, and the gravity of them.”
I blew out a breath and walked toward the window, visualizing the ocean just beyond the thick wall. I spun back around, barely able to look at him as I spoke. The pain in his eyes was too much. It reflected my own.
“But sometimes those feelings aren’t enough.
Maybe we aren’t right for each other, or maybe we’re broken.
But the fact is, you’ve left me twice now.
And I see the regret all over your face.
I don’t doubt how you feel, I just…” I squeezed my eyes shut, drawing in a breath.
“I doubt that you can stay. I don’t think that you can face your demons with me by your side, rather than in your rearview.
It’s not my job to force a place for myself into your life.
I need someone who holds on tight, not someone who’s constantly fighting not to let go. ”
He nodded, taking a cautious step toward me like I could bolt at any moment.
“I get that, I do,” he said slowly. “I’ve given you no reason to trust me.
All I can do is fight and prove to you that my mindset has fundamentally shifted.
I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been so afraid of hurting someone, so afraid of the weakness that could come with truly loving someone, that I’ve had blinders on.
It was all bullshit. The weakest thing I ever did was walk away from you.
And I’m never doing it again, no matter how far you run. ”
Wetness cooled my cheeks and I brought a hand to my face, horrified to find a few tears had escaped. “No,” I groaned, wiping them away.
He was in front of me then, placing a gentle hand on my arm.
“I can’t do this again,” I cried.
“It’ll be different this time.”
“How?”
“You have to trust me.”
“I don’t.” I pulled my arm away from my face to look at him then, so he could feel how much I meant those words.
“And that’s my biggest failure to date,” he said calmly. “But I’ll get your trust again.”
“How are you so sure?” I asked, partly frustrated because of the situation he had put us in, and partly because I so badly wanted to trust him again, to believe all his heartbreakingly beautiful words were true.
“Because I’m never leaving you,” he said, eyes studying my face.
I pulled away from his soft grip. He looked like he didn’t want to let me go, but he didn’t stop me.
“Time will tell, I guess,” I said.