9. Tian
CHAPTER 9
Tian
If I’m being totally honest, I’ve had such a lovely evening here with Evan, but I haven’t been able to sink fully into little space.
I can’t stop myself from constantly clock watching.
When I arrived, it was just gone five thirty. But knowing that Daddy Sai and Jude were picking me up at ten o’clock has just left me feeling the entire time that it wasn’t enough. Rather than letting go and embracing the moment, I’ve just spent the last few hours trying not to feel like I’m being cheated out of something really good.
But Evan and I specifically said we’d just have one playdate so he could practice being a Daddy again. That way, when he meets a boy he really likes, he won’t be so scared of making big mistakes.
The idea of Evan being someone else’s Daddy makes me want to throw my toys across the room.
Which is another reason why I don’t sink fully into little headspace. If part of me stays big, I can hold on to some logic. If I regress fully, I know I’d just get upset and that wouldn’t be fair to Evan if I promised this was okay then got in my feelings about it.
Still, I think I do a pretty good job of being little for him and enjoying our time together. I’m just playing a role, rather than actually letting go and succumbing to the age play.
If Even realises that, he doesn’t let on. And I genuinely have so much fun with him when I forget that the clock is ticking. We have the yummy dinner he made then for dessert he’s got a dozen cupcakes for us to decorate. It’s doing these kinds of activities that I love the most about age play. When all I have to worry about is piping icing and not getting too many sprinkles on the floor, all my adult problems fade away.
He allows me to eat two of the cupcakes, but then he keeps one extra for himself before boxing up the rest for me to take home. I pretend to pout about not being allowed a third helping, but in truth, I think it’s super kind that he wants me to take the surplus for Sai and Jude.
If I was staying the night, I would have hoped we could have done bathtime together. But I don’t even know if he has a tub in the house, and even though that’s never sexual for me, the idea of getting naked in front of him definitely crosses a line.
So instead, Daddy Evan puts a film on about dragons and allows me to spread out my toys on the floor in front of the TV. I mostly brought my blocks that make a castle with a few of my favourite figures so they can have medieval adventures.
There’s a rug on the wooden flooring where I’ve set myself up. But Evan also grabs a big, flat cushion to sit on so he can join me in my game. He seems very hesitant to play at first, but slowly he starts asking about my characters and what they’re doing. Even if he’s a bit stilted, I can tell that he’s enjoying watching me if nothing else.
It makes me a bit self-conscious in a way I wouldn’t be if I was properly in little headspace, but it’s okay. The whole point of being here is to teach Evan to do some of the things he’s forgotten. I bet he’ll remember how to play kids’ games the more he practices.
All too soon, I catch him looking at the clock as well. It’s past nine, so I’ll have to get ready to go home shortly. The realisation makes me so sad that I almost drop my little Baby Tee persona completely.
But then Evan visibly rallies, beaming at me. “Okay, Tee. How about you help Daddy tidy up, and then he can read you a bedtime story?”
My interest immediately piques. “Storytime?” He does have a lot of books, but all I can see are big boring grown-up paperbacks, the kind with hundreds of words and no pictures. Still…I don’t actually care what the story is. The point of reading with Daddy is cuddles.
We had a nice cuddle at the start of the evening, but it was because he was feeling a lot of big emotions. He said he wasn’t very sad, but I think he was a bit. If I can get the chance to have a happy cuddle, I’ll take it.
Making sure to pick up every single one of my toys, I work with Evan to tidy his living room space. The idea crosses my mind that if I ‘accidentally’ left something here, I’d have an excuse to come back for it. But…no. I don’t want to lie or manipulate him like that.
However, the idea that I won’t see him again after tonight makes me want to cry. I manage to hold it in. However, knowing that still makes me sad.
I guess, technically, there’s no reason why we couldn’t hang out again. The still big part of me knows that wouldn’t be fair, though. We’re not dating. Sai and Jude are my boyfriends. There’s a big difference between having hook-ups and pursuing a new branch to our relationship tree. I’m just doing Evan a favour so that he can go out into the world and find an actual boy to date.
So why would we see each other again?
Thankfully, I’m saved from being overwhelmed by too many complicated thoughts as Evan produces a tablet from somewhere. “I’m afraid I don’t have any real books, Tee. But I’ve got some saved on my little computer here. Will that be okay?”
I forget to be sad as my heart melts. He’s so thoughtful. Why did he think he wasn’t a good Daddy anymore? Sure, he seemed a bit unprepared when I got here. But it’s the way he’s made me feel that matters, not having a bunch of stuff that I was able to bring with me anyway. The fact that he knows how to get a storybook through the power of the internet just proves he’s not just thoughtful but resourceful as well.
“Yes, Daddy!” I cry, leaving my packed bags on the floor to skip over to him and give him a hug around his waist. He stills for a second before relaxing and hugging me back. “What’re the books about?”
“Well, there are a couple to choose from,” he says. “Do you want to come sit with me on the couch and we can pick the best one together?”
I nod and tug him back to the sofa, eager to snuggle. We sit side by side and we’re pretty close. But after a moment of consideration, he takes a small breath that I think makes him feel braver, then he lifts his arm in an invitation for me to tuck under his wing.
Barely holding back my glee, I plaster myself to his side and rest my head on his chest. His arm feels so good around me.
It’s slightly awkward as we navigate the tablet, but I don’t care. I told him earlier—it’s not about being perfect. It’s about trying your best to be good, and he’s certainly doing that.
He gives me a choice between a story about a rusty car and a penguin. I choose the car, and as he starts to read to me in his dreamy, rumbly voice, I pop my thumb in my mouth and feel my eyelids getting heavy.
It doesn’t matter if this is just pretend or for practice. It’s lovely.
I must start to doze off at some point, because when we hear the door knocker sound from upstairs, I jerk awake and almost smack the tablet out of Evan’s hands.
“Sorry!” I cry.
But he shakes his head and places the tablet safely down on the coffee table. “No harm done, sweetheart. But I need to go answer the door as that’ll be your boyfriends.”
“Oh, sure,” I say, mustering a small smile. We untangle, and he jogs up the stairs. Soon, I hear voices, but not what they’re saying. It doesn’t matter, anyway. It’s home time and I need to get myself together.
That means changing out of my jammies. But even though my big boy clothes are in a neat pile right next to me, I can’t make myself move to do it.
I might be in a strange half-and-half head space, but in that moment, I could easily throw a childish tantrum again. I’m not ready to leave. I need more time. If I’m a bad boy, perhaps I’ll have to stay so Evan can give me a spanking.
But I don’t want to be bad. I want to be good.
I need a Daddy to tell me what to do. Luckily, that’s when two of them walk down the stairs along with my Jude.
“Tee!” he cries, nipping past Daddy Sai and Daddy Evan to rush over and hug me on the sofa. “Aww, you look so cute in your jammies. Did you have fun?”
I cling to him and breathe his familiar scent in deeply, feeling myself centre. “Yes, I did,” I say truthfully. I look up at Evan. “I hope you did, too, Daddy Evan?”
His smile is so sweet, and the way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m sparkling. “It was wonderful, Tee. Thank you so much for coming to keep me company this evening.”
“Do you remember how to be a Daddy now?” I ask.
He licks his lips and considers me seriously. “I don’t actually think I forgot, sweetheart. I think I just needed someone special to give me permission to be a Daddy again.”
“Am I the someone special?” I ask, being deliberately precocious. It has the desired effect and makes everyone laugh. I feel so surprisingly at ease.
“Yes, absolutely,” Daddy Evan confirms, his voice soft and warm. “Thank you, Tee.”
For a few seconds, we just hold each other’s gazes. I feel Jude squeeze me tighter.
“I guess we’d better get you home, baby,” Daddy Sai says, almost sounding sorry.
I don’t blame him. It feels wrong for us to walk away from Daddy Evan now. He says I helped, but how is a few hours going to really fix all the things that were making him sad before? We’ve had our playdate, though, and he did such a good job even if he didn’t have any things for age play in the house. Now he’ll know what to buy for next time. He probably doesn’t need to practice how to be with a little again, he can just do it for real.
Wait a minute.
Yes, he’s practiced with me, a little. But…
“I think you need another lesson!” I blurt out. Everyone looks at me.
“I do?” Daddy Evan says, his eyebrows raised.
I nod then look at Jude. “You were a great Daddy for a good little boy. But should you practice with a bratty middle as well? That’s got to be more difficult.”
I study Jude’s eyes to see if I’ve made a mistake and put him in an awkward position. But his face lights up, and he grins at the two Daddies standing over us. “What do you reckon? Are you up for the challenge?”
Daddy Evan blinks at us, then looks at Daddy Sai, who shrugs. “Don’t look at me, they’ve concocted this all by themselves.”
Daddy Evan bites his lip and looks worried. That wasn’t my intention, but I know he likes to think things through properly. “Well…that sounds like a lovely idea, boys. But please don’t feel you have to. You already have your own Daddy.”
Daddy Sai shakes his head gently. “Honestly, it’s fine with me. Tian seems determined to help you get back on your feet.” He rests his hand on Daddy Evan’s shoulder, and he looks away bashfully.
“Uh, thank you,” he says gruffly. “But Jude doesn’t know me. He shouldn’t feel obligated to?—”
He’s cut off by the rest of us laughing. “Oh, believe me, Daddy Evan,” Jude scoffs. “I don’t do anything I don’t want to, ever. Tee likes you, so that’s good enough for me. Besides, I think for the sake of your education you should absolutely practice more than one type of Daddying. And then Tee and I can compare notes and give you a mark out of ten.”
“He’s already ten out of ten,” I mumble as I hug Jude’s side, happiness blossoming in my chest.
I might not be able to have another date with Daddy Evan, but Jude can, and that way he won’t disappear completely from my life just yet. It’ll give me more time to think about how I feel.
Because it’s not actually against our rules for one of us to see someone multiple times or even date. It’s just that before me, Sai and Jude never got serious about anyone else.
I don’t know if I’m serious about Daddy Evan at all. I just know I’m not ready to let him go. I wouldn’t blame him if he was wary of getting involved with us three. We are a lot and already in an unconventional relationship.
But I like the way he’s looking between the three of us. He doesn’t seem put out by the nature of our arrangement. In fact, he seems a little awestruck that I’ve now dragged my boyfriends into this quest to save him.
“I think,” Daddy Sai says using his diplomatic voice, “that it’s getting late, and no one has to make any decisions right now. Evan, why don’t you sleep on Jude’s offer? I’d just ask that you remember that we know ourselves. No one here is cheating or doing anything wrong. If having a date with my naughty boy would help get your confidence up even more, I fully support that.”
The two of them share a look that I can’t quite read, but it feels deep and meaningful. Then Daddy Evan looks back at Jude and me. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this kindness but thank you. Jude…I’d be honoured to take you out on a date. Would you give me some time to plan something?”
Jude squirms against me. “So long as it’s an amazing date,” he says devilishly.
“Behave,” Daddy Sai warns, struggling not to smile at him.
“Shan’t,” Jude fires back. “That’s the whole point of being a brat.”
Daddy Sai laughs and rolls his eyes, holding his hand out to us and crooking an eyebrow at Daddy Evan. “Are you sure you want to deal with him?”
However, Daddy Evan just beams at us. “I’m sure,” he says quietly.
Relief washes through me. This is probably just prolonging the inevitable. Daddy Evan is going to want his own boy and a ‘normal’ couple relationship, I’m sure.
But for now, at least, I don’t have to say goodbye.